If you wanna crown 'em, then crown their ass

Mt. ESPN SUCKS

2009-02-06T20:13:00.000-08:00

So Bill Simmons is mad that ESPN took his Mt. Rushmore idea, and turned it into this year’s “Who’s Now.” I have to imagine he’s completely pissed off at the execution, ‘cause now if they ever build any actual sports monuments as sets for Nic Cage movies it’s just going to be targeted for domestic terrorism.

Let’s look at Florida. Bobby Bowden, Dan Marino, Don Shula and… Tim Tebow.

TIM TEBOW? OK, you’re kidding me right? This is just some mistake, like when FOX said he played right tackle for Utah. Right? I mean, he’s closer to me than he is to Mt. Rushmore of sports figures who played, coached, was born in, or -in the case of a state like Idaho - peed in at a Stuckeys.

No, they’re not kidding me. Apparently, I’m kidding myself. Tim Tebow is all things to everyone. At least those disillusioned souls who put “Gator” in front of their name and claim they have a nation. But that’s another complaint, and starts with Raider fans.

So here for you, Gator Bill, Gator Laura, Gator Ted, Ted Gator, Gator Gator, Fred Gator, Lilly Gator, Gatorick, I’m going to assume that Tim is everything to every one, and just willed his way to the top of the Florida list.

Anyway, if he’s top-4 all time in Florida he should be able to beat anyone right? Here’s lists of people from Florida who, despite my much harsher standards in list-making still beat Tebow on the general list of “Florida sports figures”

Also, thank God that we’re pretty much a flat state, and have no mountains to actually carve his likeness into (of course, that’s assuming he doesn’t put a mountain on top of my house for doing this).

Mt. Rushmore for Pensacola: Emmitt Smith, Roy Jones, Jr., Derrick Brooks, Don Sutton. Tebow couldn’t make the Mt. Rushmore for the 8th largest area in the state.

Mt. Rushmore of Former Dallas Cowboys from Florida: Michael Irvin, Bob Hayes, Deion Sanders, and of course, Emmitt. Again, who is claiming Tebow is bigger than ANY of these?

Tebow’s left-handed, so could he crack the list of Mt. Rushmore for Floridians in the 10-percent of the population who are left-hand dominant? Let’s see: Steve Carlton, Chipper Jones (left-handed enough), Rafael Palmeiro, Boog Powell (see Chipper). Nope.

Hmm. What else? Oh, how ‘bout sports chicks? Chris Evert, Doris Hart, Dot Richardson, Nancy Hogshead. Yeah, he can’t even beat the CHICKS from Florida - yet he’s top 4 EVER? I’m also inclined to put Erin Andrews on this list.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on! I did it! I found a Florida-sports Mt. Rushmore for Tebow. Let me tell you the other members - see if you can guess the category. Ready? OK! Herb Score, Jim Courier, David Duval, Tim Tebow.

Give up? Sports guys from Florida who got a ton of hype, and were considered among the all-time greats after a few years only to largely be forgotten for anything other than disastrous falls from grace.

Congrats, ESPN. You’ve done it. By putting Tebow on the “Florida Mt. Rushmore,” you not only invalidated another of your stupid-ass segment killers, but you’ve proven once again you’re the Four-Letter Devil. You just did the equivalent of inducting Marilyn Manson into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame in 1999. Assholes.

How many Rushmore’s of random qualification can you come up with? Here’s an equally putrid list from SI back in 2004 to get you started (Really? Roy Jones, Jr. isn’t top FIFTY?)

Really, 31 Straight

2008-05-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

I really can't get over how astounding the feat is for the Texas Rangers to run up a streak of 31 scoreless. To put it in perspective, here are five things involving 31 that I'd have given better odds than this (yes, I know the list should be 31 items long. It's really not that popular of a number and the three I removed from the list were terrible.):

1. Baskin Robins makes "Saltalamacchia" one of it's 31 flavors
2. Roy Williams looks effective in man-to-man pass coverage (yes, I know he wears 38 now, though I think that only makes my point stronger)
3. Jeff Burton decides he needs to emulate Kyle Busch on the track
4. The Southern Baptist Convention accepts Halloween as "harmless fun"
5. Jason Jennings throws one shut out inning for the Rangers (OK, this one is obviously a stretch)

Joy in Rangerland

2008-05-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
-Ted Theodore Logan, 1989

At this point, I'm more prepared to meet my future self in the Circle K parking lot than I am to realize that Texas Rangers pitchers have thrown 31 innings without allowing a run. The AP story about Friday night's victory against Oakland says that the team did it once before. Once, 27 years ago.

Just for perspective, that streak started against the Red Sox who turned in a lineup card with Yaz and Jim Rice. The winning pitcher was Doc Medich, who'll turn 60 this year. The next day it was Fergie Jenkins. Don Zimmer was a spry young manager. Future Managers Glenn Hoffman and Buddy Bell were active participants, as was future Red Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy who led off for Boston. Future manager Hal McRae played for the Royals in the final game of the FOUR game streak.

It was a long time ago. OJ Simpson was a beloved figure. 2Pac was alive. Al Davis, too. Roger Staubach was still an active NFL Player and we'd yet to have a Clinton or Bush in the White House.

OK, at the risk of belaboring the point, current Rangers manager Ron Washington looked like this:

See? Do you see? THAT'S A LONG ASS TIME AGO!

There's also no way that it should have happened now. It defies logic. I'm a Ranger fan, and we know this better than anyone. Sure we've seen good years from Ryan Drese and Roger Pavlik. We thought maybe, just maybe, Chan Ho Park was going to elevate our rotation. When you make jokes about Ranger pitching, we know the joke is on us - after all, Ranger fans saw Chris Young being traded for Adam Eaton.

Pretty much every day in the life of Ranger Fan is 9 innings of waiting for the pitching to fall apart, followed by 21 hours of wondering if it will be tomorrow. Yet tonight, the Rangers didn't allow a run for the 3rd straight game. I'm generally happy with 3 innings.

I'm not going to sit here under a delusion that these last few days represent something more grand than three games in the tragic comedy that plays itself out in 162 separate acts over the course of the summer for virtually every team.

Chances are, the runs not allowed during the streak will be scored next week and the streak will become a memory slightly less blurry than last week's dinner menu once another trip through the rotation is complete.

Tonight, though, I'll sit here and take it all in. Forgetting the abysmal seasons past, forgetting April. Wearing the proverbial blinders to get an image as sunny as the generic family in matching sweaters you see in every Olan Mills photo.

Yes, baseball is cruel, but only because we let games like the last three build us up. We live for it. So bring it, Oakland...because the way my team is going, "it" won't be runs.

Bill and Ted inspire one last question...So if you're really us, what number are we thinking of?

THIRTY-ONE, DUDES!

Will and Buzz agree on something

2008-05-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Writers and bloggers both hate me. Actually, writers is a misnomer, it's not like a blogger poops out posts. So let me rephrase, bloggers and members of the traditional written media hate me.

The traditional media... Notice I said traditional, not “mainstream media” which is the catch-all phrase that’s floated by everyone from Will Leitch to Bill O’Reilly, used to convey disdain with the established practices of people who are paid to tell the stories of others that evolved since we stopped giving those in power the ability to determine what stories were fit for consumption. (Wonder if Leitch has ever been compared to O’Reilly before…)...hates me for the same reason that they hate bloggers.

They feel that I have a voice that I didn't earn through years of dues paying. They hate me because my career arc didn't have me spending a year spell checking obituaries. Writers generally hate me, because while they spent years toiling in obscurity writing 200 words about what neighborhoods are first up for repaving, I earned my voice in under a decade.

I am a sports radio host.

To writers, I'm the kid who got the BMW for his 16th birthday while they worked the night shift at Burger King. The guy who walks out of college without a student loan payment (which is true).

I'm Sue Ellen Mischke, recipient of large breasts who cares not that the gawking of people on the street may effect the Oh Henry candy bar fortune (where the candy bar fortune is some kind of public trust.... it's a stretch, I know). I'm Spider-Man at the wrestling match, who uses his abilities for capitalist gain. Still unaware that with great power comes great responsibility.

It's essentially the same argument they have against bloggers.

Sure, some of the anti-blogger sentiment is rooted in fear. Fear that their future earning potential is being limited.

There's no doubt a jealousy that also exists. It's not that they hate bloggers because they aren't scrutinized and are free from the fear of recourse. They hate bloggers because the subjects they cover for a living can take action against them, denying access, and making it near impossible to make a living.

When Buzz calls it "shit," he means to say "shit I wish I could say." He made his name uncovering corruption in courts, and he expects me to believe that there's some sanctity in Matt Leinart beer-bonging and Jeff Reed doing whatever the fuck it is Jeff Reed does that can only be disseminate after asking Matt Leinart for a comment and getting the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball? How the hell is that belief derived? An earned public trust? My ass, his name is Buzz! "Big Daddy Balls" is a more trustworthy name than Buzz, no matter how many books he sells.

Buzz wishes he could watch the game as a release, like bloggers can. It's hard to keep the fan experience in a professional endeavor. Hard as hell. I fight to do so, Buzz gave up. It's not fun for Buzz.

That's half the story, because Bloggers hate me, too. Please note, by the way, that I use "bloggers" to mean the authors here, not the commenters which have become a pseudonym in this argument due to a fundamental lack of understanding at the basis of the writer argument...hate isn't strong enough to explain commenters feelings.

Strangely enough, on the wider scale, they hate me for the same reason that the writers hate them. Sure, they hate Colin Cowherd for being a dick. They hate Paul Finebaum for being a dick. Tim Brando...dick. Jim Rome...dick. Mike and Mike... dick and dick (Though, in some cases it's not a false belief.)

But more so, when I make a mistake on my show, it shows my lack of qualification. When I provide cursory analysis of a game I didn't watch, it shows my lack of understanding. A lack of depth, a lack of preparation. I don't understand that with the bully pulpit that I stand behind for three hours, I have the obligation to talk about whatever they want me to at the depth with which they think it should be talked about. They think I'm paid by the hyperbolic thought and dogmatic diatribe.

Radio hosts are hated because we don't understand the charmed lives we live, with increased access, a paycheck and the endless stream of free meals. We don't grasp that our biases affect their experiences of sports. Because we DON'T have the same fun with sports as they do.

Oh, and because Cowherd plagiarized from a blog, we all do.

They hate me because I'm Spider-Man at the wrestling match, who uses his abilities for capitalist gain. Still unaware that with great power comes great responsibility. (I really wish I had come up with a better metaphor).

Again, this isn't the only thing they hate, as each blogger has a more diverse experience and different biases than your run of the mill journo, so they hate us all for different reasons.

But each side is damned to their convictions, considering the other parasitic, leeching the life from the experience. Yet somehow, radio tries to be symbiotic. I've heard Will Leitch on SNR, Mike Florio talk to Todd Wright, and Jay Busbee from Sports Gone South has been my most frequent guest over the last year. I comment on Awful Announcing. Tony Kornheiser, SAS, and Finebaum are among the many writers quick to capitalize on their newspaper fame to branch into radio.

There's a place for us all. A need. A demand. But hatred is an easier relationship to foster, especially when we're so passionate. So I'll keep reading deadspin and renewing my subscription to SI, all the while wondering how many more people we could bring into our fraternity of sports fans if we only helped them experience the game in a way that bred our passions.

The Mascot Matchup - Final Four

2008-03-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. Here's the 5th and final post, the Final 4

FINAL FOUR
Tennessee Volunteers vs Clemson Tigers

If those two German fairies can tame some tigers, I'm going to guess that a dude with a gun can as well. After all you don't get a coonskin cap without killing a coon. And skinning it. Though Smoky might not be so lucky, the Vols are eating tiger chops. Then washing it down with some malt liquor from a jar.

UCLA Bruins vs Michigan State Spartans

Bears are smart. They aren't going to run into a stick. And for all the talk about how good those 300 dudes were in that one fight, they did lose. So I'm going to go with a historical perspective on this one, and say that as the Spartans get near the end, they lose. It's what they do. Spartans are losers. And history says they were more than likely gay and illiterate. Seems to me like they should have been eliminated long ago.

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
UCLA Bruins vs Tennessee Volunteers

The Final 4 is in San Antonio. So I'm going to go by the old saying, “Remember the Alamo.” Here's the basics. Almost half of Los Angeles is of Mexican descent. The Mexicans won the battle, but Sam Houston and the Texans still ended up winning their independence before later being illegally annexed despite being a sovereign nation. Oh, and remember how we were talking about Davy Crockett? Yeah, did I mention he died in the Battle at the Alamo?

The UCLA Bruins are your 2008 Mascot Matchup Champions!

The Mascot Matchup - West Region

2008-03-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Last up, it's the West Region.

WEST FIRST ROUND
1 UCLA Bruins vs 16 Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils

Last year, it took an alligator home-swamp advantage to defeat a bear, this year I have faith in their ability to advance deeply into the tourney again. First up are the Delta Devils, who are actually blues artist Robert Johnson. Johnson sold his soul to the devil, and you probably heard of him in the Clapton song “Crossroads.” It was also the inspiration for the Daniel-San movie Crossroads where he battles Steve Vai for his and another man's soul. It's inspirational really, however, bears are not music lovers and would eat Ralph Macchio. Bears win.

8 BYU Cougars vs 9 Texas A&M Aggies

Some teams that call themselves Aggies have a dude that rolls with a gun, others roll with a rope. Texas A&M rolls with a collie. Not even a mean dog to match the uniforms. A collie named Reveille. Lassie or a Cougar? Really not much of a match considering I could kick a collie's ass.

5 Drake Bulldogs vs 12 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

What is a hilltopper you ask? Red Grimace. Yeah, a red version of the purple jackass that rolls with Ronald McDonald. Given my choice, this might actually be the first round game that I'd most like to see take place in Mascot Arena. The bulldog running up and taking giant hunks of Red Grimace, green blood flowing everywhere as Red Grimace progressively gets slower and slower, falling down and taking frantic swipes with his stick arms only to have the bulldog rip those free from the gooey Red Grimace Sockets. That match would be awesome, and the bulldogs win.

4 Connecticut Huskies vs 13 San Diego Toreros

A husky is a good dog, a Torero is a bull fighter. But bullfighter is a rather misleading name. It's really a bull-dodger. He stands there with a table cloth and gets out of the bulls way. A husky is much more agile, and therefore won't be fooled by silly table cloth shenanigans. Give me the Huskies in a romp.

6 Purdue Boilermakers vs 11 Baylor Bears

A second bear in the same region. Again, I ask what the hell was the committee thinking with some of these seedings. That said, if there is anything that can beat a bear, it's a train. A big train going fast. Sure, hitting a bear could derail the train. But then again, it might not. If we fought this match 50 times, the bear would die 50 times.

3 Xavier Musketeers vs 14 Georgia Bulldogs

A 3 Musketeer is a mighty tasty candy bar. The fluffy stuff inside is a pretty tasty complement to the chocolatey outside. However, everyone knows that dogs can't eat chocolate. Much like the earlier match where the mighty wildcat died of heavy-metal toxicity, the dogs are felled by their inability to metabolize a chocolate bar. Dig up another spot between the hedges, because Uga's coming home in a body-bag.

7 West Virginia Mountaineers vs 10 Arizona Wildcats

I don't know much about what a Mountaineer does, but I do know that weird stuff happens in them hills. I also know that a West Virginian is much more likely to be rabid than a wildcat. I think the combination of rabies and altitude-thinned air give the Mountaineers what they need to advance to the weekend

2 Duke Blue Devils vs 15 Belmont Bruins

OK, three bears in one region. Really committee? There are four regions, and three bears. And all three bears are in the SAME region? Nuts to you. A blue Devil and a bear. Obviously this fight is happening because being all blue and sad, Duke is a suicidal devil. So while technically a fight, Duke is just there to end it all. A bruin is more than happy to accommodate such a request.

WEST SECOND ROUND
UCLA Bruins vs BYU Cougars

Remember last round when we had a bear lose to a train? I don't think a bear would lose to a Mercury product. Even the 6-cylinder version. Yeah, the bear would be injured after a head on collision with a car, but whoever was driving the car would be calling David Palmer asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness and a check to replace the totaled Cougar.

Connecticut Huskies vs Drake Bulldogs

Well, you know what they say. It's a dog-eat-dog tournament. My money is on the dog from Siberia instead of the one from England. It's used to the elements and whatnot.

Purdue Boilermakers vs Xavier Musketeers

Well, other than a train, a boilermaker is a drink. While a Musketeer is French, I still think he can hold his alcohol. That's all the French do. Drink, smoke and complain about how much America is better than they are.

West Virginia Mountaineers vs Belmont Bruins

You know what would have been cool? You remember the American Eagles back in the first round? I'd have liked to have a mascot matchup with them against West Virginia. I could have made tons of John Denver Jokes, but instead I have another man challenges beast. I thought about gerrymandering something here to have the Mountaineers get the win so I garner more points. But then I'd just have to do the same thing when they faced UCLA.

WEST REGION SWEET SIXTEEN
UCLA Bruins vs UConn Huskies

This is becoming much less fun. I can't even think of a way for a Husky to even be competitive with a Bruin.

Xavier Musketeers vs Belmont Bruins

A Musketeer has a musket. I think a Bruin could be felled by a musket

WEST REGION FINAL
UCLA Bruins vs Xavier Musketeers

That is, as long as he has time to reload. A musket doesn't come with a clip. It comes with one shot. This is like a handicap elimination match. So while the musketeer was reloading, the bear would pounce. That is if the musketeer didn't just go all French and run away. But bears are surprisingly fast and agile for their size.

The Mascot Matchup - South Region

2008-03-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Here's the third edition, the South.

SOUTH FIRST ROUND
1 Memphis Tigers vs 12 UTA Mavericks
A maverick is a non conformist. Probably a bad idea. Conforming to what most people do would keep the Mavericks from being in a situation to fight a tiger. That's right kids, conform. It keeps you from being eaten by a Tiger.

8 Mississippi State Bulldogs vs 9 Oregon Ducks

Oregon's mascot is pretty close to Donald Duck. Like, lawsuit close. Speaking of Donald Duck, why didn't he wear pants, yet when he got out of the shower he'd have a towel around his waist? Wait, back to the fight. I guess Donald Duck against Hector the Bulldog. Hector was the dog that would always take out Sylvester to protect Tweety. Oregon, prepare to be a turducken.

5 Michigan State Spartans vs 12 Temple Owls

Remember that movie with Brad Pitt and the guy from Blackhawk Down? I think Brad Pitt was a Spartan in there. I'll take him over the animal that couldn't even resist a stupid tootsie pop. Also, as someone who racked up a couple grand in dentist bills as an adult, it does not take three licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop. No, that's how many it takes to bite the sucker, crack a tooth and need a crown. Stupid owl, I hope the sword through your chest hurts.

4 Pitt Panthers vs 13 Oral Roberts Golden Eagles

You ever watch the show House? They always think it's cushings. Always. Run the test, it's cushings. It's not cushings. Then at the end it turns out to be something else. Well, after the panthers ate the golden eagles, they'd go to the vet. The vet would then say the panther has cushings. Then, after that wasn't it, they'd determine that eating a giant metal eagle leads to heavy metal toxicity. Then the panther would die.

6 Marquette Golden Eagles vs 11 Kentucky Wildcats

You ever watch the show House? Blah, Blah, Blah, heavy metal toxicity, dead wildcat.

3 Stanford Cardinal vs 14 Cornell Big Red

OK, so let me get this straight. Two teams who's mascot is A COLOR are fighting in round one? The committee says they don't consider mascots, but I call shenanigans. How the hell does red fight red? The gum versus a tree? A gum Tree? Why's Cornell represented by a bear? A brown bear? Why no fire ants? Or Doublemint Twins? Still better than a tree. Trees aren't red. However, in a bear versus tree fight, the only reason I can even think there would be a fight is if there was a hunter in a tree stand. In that case, give me the hunter.

7 Miami Hurricanes vs 10 St. Mary's Gaels

Pretty sure that St. Mary's spells their mascot wrong, but that's neither here nor there. But who would have thought we'd ever have a matchup of two windy weather systems? That's why we do this people. That's why we do this. Anyway, hurricane-force winds are stronger than gale-force winds. That's why we don't have gale warnings.

2 Texas Longhorns vs 15 Austin Peay Governors

Really? The Governors? Hmm, Elliot Spitzer or a thousand pound piece of livestock. Depending on his tastes, he might pay 5000 dollars for that. Peay becomes a cow pie, ironic huh?

SECOND ROUND
Memphis Tigers vs Mississippi Bulldogs

How come there are no Giant Dogs? I mean, there's wolves, but you don't go to the jungle and worry about getting eaten by a Great Great Dane. And how did regular cats become such sissies while being related to a Tiger? I think it'd be awesome if there were giant dogs, like instead of miniature schnauzer, there was a super-giant schnauzer with teeth the size of hotdogs. But since this is the bulldogs, not the bull-sized dogs, the tigers win.

Michigan State Spartans vs Orel Roberts Golden Eagles

OK, who knew there was actually an animal called the golden eagle? Certainly not me. Apparently, they are quite vicious birds. Dedicated hunters and what not. But if that golfer guy could take out a bird with a golf ball, I don't think the savages from 300 would have much trouble.

Stanford Cardinal vs Marquette Golden Eagles

I think that birds are color blind, but I didn't pay attention in school. So bird versus color is a tough one for us to pull off. But since a bird would make it's nest in a tree, I think that's like making the tree your bitch. Even if it doesn't, I think that eventually the bird would poop in the tree, and that's definitely a loss for the tree.

Texas Longhorns vs Miami Hurricanes

Most visuals you have of hurricanes on TV are Jim Cantore standing by a stop sign near the beach watching it twist in the wind. So I don't know that I've ever seen the actual cow versus hurricane fight. However, I did see a cow fight a tornado on that movie twister. The cow definitely lost that one, I'm going to assume the hurricane can win that fight.

SOUTH SWEET SIXTEEN
Memphis Tigers vs Michigan State Spartans

If a lion is king of the jungle, does that make a tiger the king of the grasslands? This is actually quite intriguing for a fight. The only historical reference I have here is that movie 300 where he killed a tiger with a stick. I guess the Spartans advance with their use of a stick. A pointy one.

Marquette Golden Eagles vs Miami Hurricanes

Birds have an uncanny ability to avoid the weather. After a hurricane you'd really expect to see the ground littered with birds who died in the storm. But some how there aren't. I guess they fly north, or something. So I'm not sure HOW it happens, but somehow the birds would come away with a victory. Somehow.

SOUTH REGIONAL FINAL
Michigan State Spartans vs Marquette Golden Eagles
The Spartans again are forced to face a golden eagle. I see no reason the outcome would be different here.

The Mascot Matchup - East Region

2008-03-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Here's the second region, the East.

EAST REGIONAL FIRST ROUND
1 UNC vs 16 Play-In

Tarheel isn't a very good mascot, but since they don't have an opponent yet, they'll advance. (Ed. I did this Sunday, because I couldn't wait for the play-in to be played)

8 Indiana Hoosiers vs 9 Arizona Razorbacks

Even people from Indiana aren't sure what a Hoosier is. I know what a Hoosier racing tire is. The razor backs are pigs with razors on their backs. I'm no expert in tire slashing, but I think a razor would do at least an adequate job at flattening the Hoosiers, and therefore advance. I know it's far fetched, but then again we're talking about a tire fighting a pig, so we're not exactly dealing with a lot of reality here.

5 Notre Dame Fightin' Irish vs 12 George Mason Patriots

Back 100 years ago, this match probably ends up different, but no longer can a patriot hang up a sign that says they don't hire Irish people. In fact, it's quite the opposite now, as anyone who loves this country loves Irish people for everything they do. Much like Finkle was Einhorn, Irish people are Patriots. So I'm sure it'd be all like the departed and have someone working on the inside. Irish set up the patriots for a bloodbath.

4 Wazzou Cougars vs 13 Winthrop Eagles

I can see no way for an eagle to beat a cougar. Not even wasting my time.

6 Oklahoma Sooners vs 11 St. Josephs Hawks

Sooners suck, but if you've ever had the unfortunate circumstance of having to travel through Oklahoma to get to somewhere good, you'll definitely remember one thing.... those sooners are sure good at shooting birds. Sooners win.

3 Louisville Cardinals vs 14 Boise St. Broncos

Horse vs Bird? This one really isn't a contest. So far, birds haven't been too successful at this. It makes me question the student bodies that selected them as representatives lo those many years ago.

7 Butler Bulldogs vs 10 South Alabama Jaguars

A bulldog isn't a bad animal in most fights, however, another of the BIG CATS is going to win here. I guess there's a reason so many variations are mascots.

2 Tennessee Volunteers vs 15 American Eagles

I've flown American Eagle before. They have stale pretzels. Also, why is it that they give you 8 ounces of drink from 12 ounce cans. Can't I just have the whole can? Anyway, in real life, no one would volunteer to fly on American Eagle, because they use those small puddle jumpers. But in a matchup, a Volunteer doesn't want money, American Eagle needs the government to bail them out. Self sufficiency wins.

EAST SECOND ROUND
UNC Tarheels vs Arkansas Razorbacks

A Tarheel is a term for a native of North Carolina. I got some kinfolks up there out in the country, and they have a farm. It's nothing for them to kill a pig for dinner. Somehow, I don't think this matchup would be much different. They're bacon in the second round.

Notre Dame Fightin Irish vs Washington State Cougars

As an Irishman myself, I'll tell you, in a fight, I think a cougar would eat me rather quickly.

Oklahoma Sooners vs Boise St. Broncos

This is another match where smarts outsmart stupid. Well, basic human intelligence outsmarts a dumb horse. Here's several ways that this could play out. First, in Oklahoma, all the students eat paste. Horses become paste. So, Oklahoma would win there. Another potential scenario comes from Seinfeld. Remember when Kramer gave Rusty all that beef-reeno? Well, all they eat in Oklahoma is Chef Boy R D... Well, Chef Boy R Dee and Paste. Therefore, the bronco would be all jacked up on fake hamburger meat – that was probably horse to begin with. Oklahoma wins.

Tennessee Volunteers vs South Alabama Jaguars

The name Vols actually comes from the Volunteer army. A Volunteer army with guns. And a desire to wear fur coats and hats. I'm not really down with the whole men in fur thing, but as quick as a jaguar is, it's not faster than bullets.

EAST SWEET 16
UNC Tarheels vs Washington St. Cougars

Well, so far, we've used the actual cat, and the car. That leaves only one other type of Cougar for our mascot matchup. That's right, a rather attractive old chick. While, I don't condone physical harm to women, they're now in a fight. Presumably, UNC would send a female native of the state to the fight. But being a college, she's probably going to be younger. That gives her the drop on the old chick. We all slow down as we get older. North Carolina advances.

Oklahoma Sooners vs Tennessee Volunteers

Hey, it's the rare person versus person mascot matchup. Davy Crockett vs some dude in a covered wagon. Davy Crockett is the King of the Wild frontier, place where the wind goes something down the plains. Tennessee advances

EAST REGIONAL FINAL
UNC Tarheels vs Tennessee Volunteers

It's back to the old standby for this person versus person regional finals. I also try to come up with different reasoning for all these matches. Tennessee has lucked out this far, so they still have their guns locked and loaded. Tarheels have turpentine. If we were repainting a house, I'd give the Tarheels the edge, but since its a fight, give me the inventors of the tree stand.

The Mascot Matchup - Midwest Region

2008-03-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Here's the first region, the Midwest.

FIRST ROUND
1 Kansas Jayhawks vs 16 Portland State Vikings

On the surface, a Viking is indeed a more menacing mascot than a Jayhawk. But what is a Jayhawk? According to Kansas, it is a combination of “two birds-the blue jay, a noisy, quarrelsome thing known to rob nests, and the sparrow hawk, a stealthy hunter. Therefore, a Jayhawk is ACTUALLY a mythological creation. Vikings believed in mythology, and lived in fear of myths like Thor. Therefore, it's obvious that Vikings are stupid, and would bow to a mythological creature.

8 UNLV Running Rebels vs 9 Kent St. Golden Flashes

This is a simple one to diagnose. The Rebels are obviously consumed by a quest for gold, which is why they ran out west. Now there's the Mandalay Bay, Venetian, and Montecito on the strip in Vegas. So history says that Rebels and their little pans were actually targeting flashes of gold and since they got unbelievably rich, they therefore win.

5 Clemson Tigers vs 12 Villanova Wildcats

The bane of this Mascot Matchup are the so called giant cats. Seems like about one out of every three of these games has some kind of ferocious cat-like creature. Now with two of them facing off, how would one propose a winner be determined in a fight? I guess we go with home-field advantage. Big city cat goes into the country? Sure, this classic fish out of water tale would normally end with the Wildcat bringing a cool urban flair to normal country values if it were a movie. You know, the Wildcat would earn teammates respect, and show them what a cheese steak is while getting them all to buy Rustlers that are too big. But this ain't Hollywood. This is real life. Life or death mascot fights. In real life, the wild cat would get into the country and see a snake for the first time ever, get bit on the snout and die 2 minutes into the movie. Tigers advance.

4 Vanderbilt Commodores and 13 Siena Saints

A saint is a particularly good, holy person. Mother Teresa was said to be a saint. And for all the good she did taking care of kids and stuff, I don't suspect she'd be too hard to beat to a pulp. Therefore, Commodores win.

6 USC Trojans vs 11 Kansas St.

Yippee another Wildcat. I don't recall what part of greek and roman history a trojan was. I think Brad Pitt was one in that movie against the dude from Black Hawk Down. I do remember though a fight between some old greek/roman dude and a cat. In Gladiator, River Phoenix's brother was trying to kill Maximus, and he had a tiger in the pit to sneak attack him when he wrestled Lord Humongous. But he put a sword through that tiger's chest and won. Give me Maximus

3 Wisconsin Badgers vs. 14 Cal St. Fullerton Titans

OK, a Titan is a moon and a pickup truck. I don't know how you'd stage a fight with a MOON. A badger a furry woodland creature. As the higher seed, it would be fought in badger territory. That means water, I think. Badgers, Beavers, woodchucks it's all the same. Though I may have made this error before. Every time there's flooding anywhere, we're reminded not to drive through puddles. I think that would apply to this matchup. Sure, the truck COULD run over the badger on the interstate, but in a river, it would get silt in the air intake, and die. So really, all the badger has to do is stay behind it's dam and advance.

7 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs 10 Davidson Wildcats

Really, three wildcats in one region? Was the selection committee high? To me, this is a bigger issue than having two conference schools in one half of a bracket, or Tennessee being in UNC's region. This is THREE Wildcats together? I have to eliminate them before trying to fight Wildcat vs Wildcat in the next round. In the cartoons dogs chase cats, and Gonzaga just chased Davidson out of the mascot matchup.

2 Georgetown Hoyas vs the 15 UMBC Retrievers

While, a Hoya isn't even a real dog, it's hard to dress a kid up as a word. Or fight a word. So we'll go with the mascot more so than the nickname. So, now, NCAA Selection committee , we've had three dogs in a row, in addition to our over abundance of big cats. Now I remember why I didn't want to do this again. Anyway, the first Hoya mascot was a dog named Stubby. Stubby went to France in World War I and was a pretty good dog as he came back a Sergeant. So while retrievers are generally my favorite dogs, I've never met one that was an officer. Georgetown wins.

MIDWEST SECOND ROUND
Kansas Jayhawks vs UNLV Runnin' Rebels

A Jayhawk isn't actually a bird, the bird is a mere pictorial depiction of what a native Kansan looks like. The term came to describe Kansans at a time in their history when the area was known as Bleeding Kansas because there was all kinds of fighting going on in the area with Missouri over the border or something. Either way, they're blood-thirsty, UNLV is simply money hungry. Motivation leads Kansas to a second round victory.

Clemson Tigers vs Vanderbilt Commodores

While the Commodore 64 was a fine computer in its' day, the Commodore 32 never really did much of anything. I think a tiger could eat a computer, especially one that doesn't even have the internet.

Wisconsin Badgers vs USC Trojans

OK, apparently a badger isn't a water animal, but one from the grasslands. Oops, my bad. That's fine, Trojans aren't exactly afraid of water or grass. An epic slaughter.

Georgetown Hoyas vs Gonzaga Bulldogs

OK, so a bulldog versus a bulldog. Not exactly sure where to go here. Where's Michael Vick when I need him? Oh, jail, yeah. But his kennel was in Virginia, and seemed to be pretty good, so when it comes to fighting dogs, I guess the east coast has a leg up on the west coast. Especially since they said dog fighting was a country thing, and I don't know of that much country out west. Georgetown wins, but their prize is a trip to the Bad Newz Kennel. Oops

MIDWEST SWEET SIXTEEN
Kansas Jayhawks vs Clemson Tigers

So far, Kansas has advanced based on it's mythological properties, then due to it's more literal definition. However, I don't care if it's a mythological resident of Kansas combining all the powers of both, it's going to run into trouble when it comes to a fight with a Tiger.

USC Trojans vs Georgetown Hoyas

While represented by a bulldog, a Hoya is actually some kind of old Greek exclamation meaning “what?” that the students used to yell at baseball games. I guess you could say they were the early WWE fans to the Hoya baseball team being early “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Trojans were from Greece... or somewhere over there anyway. So we know that Trojans actually yelled “hoya!?” back in the old school days. While that's some cool info, I don't know what that says about a fight, but in the old-school days their armor didn't include cups. I wore one to play baseball, they didn't wear one to war. That's how they lost. I guess “hoya!?” actually outlasted the Trojans in real life, so what the hell, they win.

MIDWEST REGION FINAL
Clemson Tigers vs Georgetown Hoyas

I should have had the Commodores shoot the Tigers when I had the chance. But I guess in mascot fights, this region was really laid out for them. Even sissy Tony the Tiger probably could beat up a dog, and “They'reeeee GREAT!!!!” is a better exclamation than “HOYA!?”

Daily Deuce 10/30

2007-10-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

I read lots of good things today, but for some reason little of it stuck. I even had a few good ideas for regular posts.

But laziness wins out, and I even failed to take notes about what they were. Other than great, of course.

I ask for forgiveness with this bonus video - though I hope you've seen it by now.

Remember 4 years ago, when the baseball-punditry was all unanimous in their appraisal that the Yankees were the right place for Alex Rodriguez? How the pitiful Texas Rangers didn't deserve a talent like A-Rod, because, by God, they were the Texas Rangers!

Well, my how the times have changed. I don't expect retractions saying that Texas was ahead of the curve and lucky to rid themselves of a self-centered, purple-lipped cancer destined to have his physical abilities limited by his character flaws.

But this article from Scott Miller at CBSSports.com is a good start.

Then, there's Cowboys receiver Patrick Crayton doing his best Les Miles impression with ESPN's Jeremy Schapp.

Daily Deuce Tony Romo Edition

2007-10-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

I have a ton of things to say about Tony Romo's new contract with the Dallas Cowboys.

That will have to wait, however, as there's currently OT in the Monday night game.

In the meantime, enjoy these stories about America's Quarterback getting a contract extension.

First, the Dallas Morning News' Rick Gosselin says that Jerry knows what he's getting in Tony Romo.

Meanwhile, Tony Romo knows what he's getting from the Cowboys. Hint, it's a large amount of Ro-Money.

Daily Deuce 10/25

2007-10-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today's edition comes with a special non-Sports video. In the words of Brian Fellow: "THATS CRAZY!"

Line of the day comes from Deadspin, regarding some crazy bitch calling herself "Super Manny:" We didn't realize it was possibly for Manny Ramirez to have fans more detached from reality than he is.

As for your links, how's about some college football?

Clay Travis from CBS Sports thinks that Les Miles is an idiot and some Florida fan thinks bad Michael Vick Joke should happen to Georgia fans.

Daily Deuce 10/24

2007-10-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

One of these day, I'll figure out a calendar. -ed.

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

Short and sweet today.

I'm a cliché, but Ohio St. is who we thought they were.

Daily Deuce 10/22

2007-10-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

Wow, I almost forgot to do this tonight. I spent most of my sports-time this evening trying to irritate people I know by making sure they know that Tony Romo is "America's Quarterback." It worked.

So I almost forgot that I have obligated myself to a pair of links a day.

Seems that I'm not (that) crazy after all. One in five of us sports fans have some kind of rituals to keep our team from being jinxed. Yeah, yuck it up, regular-ass fan.

Us ritualists...ritualizers....good fans also MAKE MORE MONEY. Suck it.

Of course, no shirt, underpants, or actual Wolverine mascot locked in a cage in your parents basement living off Pop-Tarts can save you if Heath Shuler is your quarterback.

(Note: I have no idea if the first story made any kind of headline on ESPN.com, because I'm one of the brilliant many who use RSS. RSS bitches, RSS!)

Daily Deuce 10/20

2007-10-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

There's been lots of solid things out there today, but nothing truly inspired me to say “I have to share this.” But since I don't like breaking every promise I make, here's a pair of items that I found interesting.

Here's a moderately unsuccessful attempt to add visuals to a “Real Men of Genius” ad about jorts. It comes to you courtesy of the Tennessee (or West Virginia, or something, hell if I know.) fan(s) over at Losers with Socks.

Then we're back to the Awful Announcing well for this one. Manning v. Kornheiser. We need Nick Bakay – ok we really don't – to break down who's forehead is larger. Manning wins. And doesn't even have the bald excuse.

I'm holding out hope that he's really taking a shot at Berman - because that battle of forehead would be closer.

Daily Deuce

2007-10-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

I know it's almost cheap, but considering it's my damn blog, your first link today is Awful Announcing. When going through everything I thought to almost be link-worthy, I noticed today I had about 4 things from there in the running. So rather than choose, you get them all. Today on AA:

-FSN is renaming The Best Damn Sports Show Period to “The Best Darn Sports Show Period” in order to get Herm Edwards to come on the program. He apparently has a thing about profanity?
-The Yankees are mad at ESPN
-Someone up the food-chain is making the calls on it's latest experiment to fill the vacuum that has always been the afternoon drive, because the radio people there can't stand caller-driven radio. I can't imagine message-board-driven radio to be an idea taken seriously at their programming meetings.
-Plus, it seems like Dan Patrick is the new Steve Rushin.

EDIT: Check that, the new Rick Reilly, who per The Big Lead (link on left), has agreed to go to ESPN.

We'll stay along the same lines to direct you to a mail bag by Dr. Z from Sports Illustrated. He's been ranting about the lack of starting lineups on FOX broadcasts all week. He keeps it going today. I don't mind that, but his story about trying to swat the FOX BOX from the screen makes you laugh at all old people.

Honestly, I've heard complaints about a lot of things FOX does, but bitching about the score on the screen is rather lame. Here's the deal: If you want to watch coaches film, do it. I also bet the guy who bitches about the fantasy stats, wouldn't be bitching if they were showing who's covering and who ain't.

Complaining rather than offering solutions – especially when you've got the ability to get to FOX – leaves me with little simpathy for your cause. Hows about requesting that FOX just scroll the lineups? But then again, that's just logical. Old people don't understand logic.

Jacked up, Jerked around!

2007-10-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

Like many of you, I had wondered what happened to JACKED UP! on Monday Nights. I figured it just aired during one of the 9 hours of pre-game that I wasn't watching.

According to a memo obtained by Deadspin, ESPN has only gotten 14 complaints about it's absence. That's compared to 200+ complaints about it's presence last year. I don't know who the 200 douches are that try to ruin everything for the rest of us, but it's time to strike back.

I know that most of us have succumbed to general apathy in regards to the Four Letter Devil, but, a letter writing.... ahh screw it.

ESPN is... JACKED UP.

The Daily Deuce

2007-10-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

Does this headline in the Al-Jazeera-Constitution – I mean, Atlanta Journal-Constitution - ring a bell: S.C. Inmate files suit against Vick

At first I thought the AJC was just, you know, months behind everyone else. Which would not have been shocking in the least, but it seems like another inmate is suing Vick.

Matthew Stephan McCormick says that he gave Vick a dog, “Clubber,” for breeding, and never got the dog back. He wants 106k, and the dog.

The only logical motivation for the suit is that he knows of the run that Mr. Riches has gotten on the internet, and wants some of that for himself. But I suspect Mr. Riches will be suing Matthew Stephan McCormick for stealing his gimmick.

I bet Mr. Riches feels like Ziggy at the complaint window.

UNLESS he put McCormick up to it. That'd be awesome.

Oh, I guess, that maybe Vick actually stole his dog. So there’s THREE logical motivations.

-------
Also, Alabama fans are a bunch of thievin' fools according to the Tennessean

Florida Fans Be Crazy

2007-10-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

From drunk on the porch, to The Big Lead, to me, to your friends - I'm sure.

HELL YEAH!!!

I want my 63 Billion-Billion DOLLARS!

2007-08-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

You may remember ~~Jonathan Lee Riches~~ the White Suge Knight (pictured left) from lawsuits such as Riches vs. Snitches, Batman and Identity Robbin, Holding My Life Hostage and Fraud in Sports.

But it’s not the lawsuits against the Snitches, Skittles, Guantanamo Bay, LeBron et. al., or even Barry Bonds that has made Mr. Riches our almost-friend. It was when he first burst (busted? Bust?) onto the scene for his lawsuit against Michael Vick entitled “Theft and Abuse of my Animals.”

Chances are, Mr. Riches will never rightfully be compensated the $63 billion-billion he’s requested. He’ll never get his dogs back, convince the Supreme Court that Michael Vick has Iranian missiles, or have his credit restored from the Doggie Warehouse account Ookie opened under his name.

Mr. Riches, on behalf of society, I wish I could make everyone stop physically hurting your feelings and dashing your hopes. Your hopes are the hopes of a nation, no, the hopes of a civilization. Or I could at least pony up the missing fees that keep getting your complaints bounced by Judges who don’t serve Justice.

For it’s not the system who’s wronged Mr. Riches, it’s not even the 3 thousand-thousand defendants who have refused to feed you in jail, bench pressed you to impress ballpark buddies, forced you to eat live rats and roll around in kitty litter for punishment, and, of course, repeatedly subjected you to microwave testing. It’s society for ignoring this man at the center of a vast conspiracy to illegally use his name for shirts, Mr. Riches Hats, and Jonathan Lee Riches Bibles.

But, Mr. Riches, don’t fret. There is an ultimate justice that we all face. All things eventually work out.

In the case of Mr. Riches, there is but one suitable outcome.

By now, the news that Michael Vick has agreed to plead guilty on several federal charges that include jail time is, well, not news, since everyone knows it. He also didn’t commit any white-collar crime, and therefore won’t be getting conjugal visits. Michael Vick is going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

If there is kharmatic justice, then that federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison must be FCI Williamsburg. Yes, the same FCI Williamsburg where Michael Vick was supposed to deliver $63 billion-billion backed by gold and silver to Mr. Riches.

The FCI Williamsburg where Mr. Riches is paying his debt to society.

Mr. Riches may never get to face his accuser in court. But if our system is not broken, Mr. Riches will get to face his accuser in the yard.

So get ready Michael, because now you too are going to be locked in the same holes where you microwave tested on Mr. Riches. Ezekiel 25:27. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. Mr. Riches is our brother, and you shall feel that vengeance.

That $63 billion-billion is going to be taken out of your ass one nickel at a time (figuratively) at FCI Williamsburg. Enjoy Michael.

For More on Mr. Riches, see Jonathan Lee Riches Central.

Sociologial Experiment

2007-08-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

INNNNNNNNN West Philadelphia, Born and Raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days

If you are:
1. Able to read those two lines without singing the entire theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

and

2. Between the ages of 18-34

Please drop me an email at iconogrill@aol.com , because I'm pretty sure you aren't American. Much like Pigman in PCU where he was trying to prove his Caine-Hackman theory, this is my greatest thesis. I don't think I'll get any emails.

*does little hop-step like Will after he got out of the cab*

Blog Keeping

2007-08-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Just doing a little house keeping here on the old internet.

First, I’ve learned how to use this RSS. I now no longer visit any sites, I let Google do it for me and then let me know if they’ve been lazy asses or steadily pumping away the words.

This has led to two developments.

1. I have an RSS Feed. That way, you don’t have to keep typing in this address to find out if my lazy ass has been typing away (Note: This is post 4 in the last 24 hours, with one or two more on the way - a random college football observation post, and a complete analysis of the latest legal genius to hit the US court system.). I don’t have any friggin’ clue what it is, but if you have an RSS machine, then you can figure out how to add me.

2. I have more sites that I’m able to look at and read, and thusly will be adding more sites to the sidebar, they include:

www.EverydayshouldbeSaturday.com
www.loserswithsocks.com
www.dawgsports.com
http://thesportingorange.blogspot.com
www.rockytoptalk.com

I find it hard to believe that there’s a better Georgia Site than the one posted, which might just be the best written of the college blogs that I’ve read. T. Kyle King has him one of those lawyer names, and a habit of being wordy, but even when reading way too much about Georgia, I don’t feel like I’ve had my time ripped from me.

If you have a good blog that I’d enjoy - keeping in mind I hate pretty much everything - drop me a note. I need something that challenges the conventional wisdom and actually spurns me into looking at a topic in a different way.

But beware, don’t have a Florida blog, and then make 38 posts about the Yankees between anything football related. That just pisses me off, since I’ve already always got more than 100 new items in my reader.

NOTE: I chose the title so that I could put up a picture of a chick in a maid outfit, but a google image search left me with far too many choices of scrupulous intention to click

Maddening Plaguirism

2007-08-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

So Rick Reilly bitched earlier this year to Gelf Magazine, complaining that his intellectual property is jacked by ESPN more than a house owned by a baskeball player in Chicago. He said that, “[he’s] flat-out handed them five or six Emmys.”

See, he put in all the the effort in coming up with these ideas. Everyone is always looking for a new angle, and well ESPN took Reilly’s angle and didn’t link back to him.

(Now they could have saved a ton of hassle by just having a real-journalist roll on the side of the page. Then Rick and ESPN could be ~~RSS~~ BFF. Well, ‘cept for that douche Simmons, real journalists hate him, too. But that’s a tangent.)

Rick, beware though, Ethan Albright is going to (long) snap your damn neck. You stole his idea. You took his angle, and didn’t mention him.

Actually, it’s Juan Turlington’s angle from The Phat Phree where he wrote a profanity filled tirade on lowly rated Madden players funnier than any of your imaginary conversations with golf gods, draft picks or cheerleaders. There was more humanity in Albrights plea for Madden’s acceptance than in any of your tear jerkers that serve as an allegory to an Aesop fable.

Juan is flat-out handing you another National Sports Writer of the Year award.

With Madden gaining main-stream acceptance more and more each year, with every player thinking his rating is too low, with every reference to Tecmo Bo Jackson, you decided that people who had ignored video games thus far needed you to show the human side of the PS3.

I’m shocked you didn’t make this about NCAA 08, then you could have talked about how these were just amateur athletes trying to get an education who were being subjected to quantification by some computer dorks in the Valley. Could have tugged at the ol’ heartstrings.

You ripped off Turlington. You went and talked to several crapily-rated players and presented it as an original idea.

You shouldn’t be throwing rocks when you live in a glass house. You need to save those rocks for Courtney Brown, the player you asked about being the least aware in the game, to eat for breakfast.

Or perhaps save them for your readers, who you appearantly give a 12 to in awareness for thinking this is another original Riff of Reilly.

My copyrighted name has been used illegally in many ladies room stalls

2007-08-17T23:09:00.001-07:00

You may remember my ripping of PETA for using the Michael Vick thing to make money by pushing shirts? (If not, it’s like 3 posts ago, just scroll, lazy-ass.) I’m not sure if this is the same thing, but I know that I expect a process server any day.

Among the many accusations of one Jonathan Lee Riches was that Michael Vick was using his copyrighted name to make T-Shirts. Fuck it, I did.

FRONT
BACK

Now you too can make a statement about Michael Vick, with your own. They’re not for sale, per say, but I could make available to you your very own Jonathan Lee Riches shirt for ~~63 Billion-billion dollars~~ reimbursement of my cost and effort.

The interesting thing about the shirt though, is that it’s a rather ambiguous statement. I have heard from people who consider it a statement of support for Michael Vick with it’s outlandish accusations. Then others think it’s just dog-piling. I say it’s just a hilarious reminder of a modern day Socrates.

This shirt stemming from some comments of Matt Vasgersian reminded me that I had been meaning for a while to make a post about the shirt.

Buy them before you physically hurt my feelings and dash my hopes any more.

UPDATE: I’m not prone to expletives, but HOLY SHIT! Remember when Ziggy went back to the complaint window to talk about the New Yorker ripping him off? Well, Mr. Riches is back at the prison law library. He’s now suing Barry Bonds, Bud Selig and Hank Aarons corked bat for 42 million-million, and 83 billion-billion from LeBron, Tony Montana, et al. This place is ~~Jonathan Lee Riches~~ The White Suge Knight central.

More On This as it Develops

If 3 is good enough for Dale, it's good enough for me

2007-08-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

In April, my instant reaction to the Cowboys sending Cleveland the rights to waste a draft pick on Brady Quinn was, “Wow, McFadden first, Manningham 32nd.”

But now in retrospect, I ask myself, do I really want the first overall pick? Seems that it just doesn’t work out for the teams lately who sit atop the draft board. I’m not really talking about the talent level of the guys who have been first picks, but the headache they bring. Finding the right guy performance-wise is just as important at 3 or 6 as it is at 1.

The guys who have been taken at the top of the last couple drafts have brought with them a sense of entitlement. One that’s seemed to grow ever since Daddy was able to dictate what team took the Manning Family version of Jeb Bush. Now, the number one picks all think they are John Elway with a baseball career to pursue.

Jamarcus Russell threw the ball 80 yards and led LSU to several narrow defeats before Al Davis said he’s the guy. Now Russell sits at home presumably getting fat while waiting for the fat check.

His ego has to be a big part of why he’s waiting for an extra million guaranteed. He IS that damn good, remember he was the number one overall pick.

Reggie Bush wasn’t. He wanted too much money. He wanted a house for his parents. He wanted 63 billion-billion dollars to sign. So he fell. Vince Young did, too.

Instead, Houston found the guy happy to be the top pick and take top-ish pick money, Mario Williams.

Next April, the Cowboys could be facing a similar situation with the Cleveland pick. They take someone who starts to buy the crap that’s spoon-fed to him for four months, and then he’s at home. Or they pass on him because of that same ingested feces.

PR disaster either way.

But at third? He’s too busy trying to find Ashy Larry’s cigarette hookup for his family, because he’s RICH. The third pick is too damn happy he didn’t play the role of Brady Quinn to have Daddy coming out moaning and whining.

The third pick won the lottery, but lost it too because he wasn’t good enough, wasn’t smart enough, and ahh hell, I was just going there for a gratuitous Vince-Young-is-dumb joke.

So c’mon Cleveland. Suck. Just don’t suck the most. Take the McFadden decision out of Jerry’s hands.

An unproductive day at work

2007-08-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

...leads to a very productive day on the ol' blog.

The New York Daily News put Barry Bonds on Trial.

Now, after getting all semantical on this bitch a few minutes ago, I decided to put Barry on trial. But I'm not talented enough to summon 12 baseball greats, just George Mitchell.

Transcript Follows.

Bonds: You want answers?
Mitchell: I think I'm entitled.
Bonds: You want answers?
Mitchell: I want the truth.
Bonds: You can't handle the truth.

Son, we play a game that has records, and those records are beaten by men with bats. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Bob Costas? I have a greater responsibility to this game than you could possibly imagine. You weep for Hank Aaron, and you curse BALCO. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That these homers, while tainted, made history. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, made the rich richer, kept ESPN on the air and helped keep this game in the forefront of the public conscious despite every other option.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places that you don't blog about, you want me in the batters box, you need me in that batters box. We use words like gate receipts, ratings, merchandise. We use these words as the backbone of a career spent entertaining someone. You use them as a criticism. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who cashes in on and capitalizes under the blanket of the very entertainment that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat, and take a swing. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Mitchell: Did you take the cream and clear?
Bonds: I played the game the way...
Mitchell: DID YOU TAKE THE CREAM AND CLEAR?
Bonds: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

So yeah, NY Daily News, what I do want is for you to stand there in that faggoty white uniform and with your Harvard mouth extend Bonds some fucking courtesy.

Parody is much more difficult. That's why Weird Al Rules.

Sadaharu Oh, wait

2007-08-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

Humans are filled with inadequacies. Constantly worried that we might not be enough of this, or too much of that. We also HATE how inadequate we feel.

That's part of why we like to tear people down. We build them up, and then knock them off the pedestal we've placed them on. It's jealousy and it's OK. I sit here today and tell you I am not and never was a great baseball player. I know people who are better husbands than I, better employees, better people. But I've got excuses for every one.

People who put baseball players on pedestals - the people who enabled Barry Bonds to do whatever it is he's done - they are the ones who let their inadequacies take over. Those who shred Barry to take him OFF the pedestal. We impart moral answers to questions we've never been asked.

People do it because they need to "defend baseball," because they need to defend Hank Aaron." BECAUSE BARRY DID IT THE WRONG WAY!

I understand the need to make Barry not so great. To make it seem like he's no better than you or I.

The most inane of these arguments is the Sadaharu Oh is the real home run king because of his 868* professional homers.

While he's no doubt great, don't sit there and tell me that they are THE record. His 868* are no more THE record than Clint Dolezel is the touchdown king because of his 800+ in the Arena League. Hey, it's PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL. Rationalize away.

That doesn't matter. You're going to gerrymander records to suit your desires, but if we're changing the definition of professional to suit your argument, then you need to get the facts right. Barry is not 112 homers from Oh. Barry is 82 92 91 homers from Oh**. He hit 13 with Prince William in 1985 and another 7 in 1986 with the Hawaii Islanders.

* 868 were accomplished against lesser competition. Any league where Tuffy Rhodes is a star is not the equal of MLB. (see how I worked an asterisk into the post?)

**Not very good at math either, I guess. That or typing. Don't remember which.

Do they have rape stands at Phish concerts?

2007-07-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

I pooped this morning. Nike stopped selling Michael Vick merchandise. Therefore, my chocolate dragon is responsible for the redirection of Air Zoom Vick V shoes from Foot Action, USA, to Foot Action, Mozambique.

Wait, both PETA and the Humane Society of the United States are taking credit for Nike dumping Vick, what about me?

The cause and effect relationship of the events is just as faulty, whether the cause you are considering is fecal matter or my launching of brown submarines. Well, maybe not AS faulty, but still.

Everyone who once marketed Vick like, oh, lets say a piece of meat, stopped promoting Michael Vick because Michael Vick was bad for business. Millions of Americans weren’t going to buy Michael Vick jerseys, shoes or anything else because they decided he wasn’t someone they wanted to be associated with. This decision was made without any peer pressure from the Animal Nazi’s.

In fact, Nike doesn’t make Birkenstocks or hemp-based athletic wear so these were protests by people who weren’t even consumers to begin with. That leads to the question, why then would these passive terrorists even bother attacking Nike, the football league they don’t watch, and the team they don’t root for?

Well, if Nike, the NFL and Falcons are set to lose money due to their association with Vick, it would then be rather safe to assume that someone would stand to benefit. You can’t get a Toyota Prius or paint to throw on innocent people for free, so PETA and the HSUS put themselves in a position to capitalize through increased donations from increased visibility.

They’re exploiting these dogs more than Michael Vick ever thought of doing. Vick had only the most animalistic and barbaric of interests in the dogs, but with his contract it obviously wasn’t the monetary interests motivating his disturbing behavior. They get free product placement in all forms of media, become a more well-known brand.

PETA’s website first proclaims victory in pressuring Nike (perhaps I need to mail them a bag-o-doogan?), then the fourth link is a solicitation for donations. They have also apparently figured out Café Press, because through their site you can buy a variety of clothing items that exploit fighting dogs for profit.

The sad thing is, saying they want to fill the coffers is giving them the more benevolent of motivations. The other would be to taint a potential jury pool by casting guilt upon him. Then they’d be denying Vick his right to a fair trial.

Links and Spinks

2007-07-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

The one thing I don't do is put 800,000 links on the side of the page. I put a link there because it's something I enjoy, and figured you might as well. But then again, I figure I'm never going to be a part of the "blogosphere" because - well, what the hell's a blogosphere, anyway? I also don't belong to any team "nation."

Though I think we're getting close to having a Texas Rangers City-State. I might join that, but just cause olives kick ass.

Anyway, I'm adding three links to the site. One is for The Big Lead - the place that ESPN felt the need to sabotage earlier this year. I was told they linked to me for something, and it's one of the sites I actually read. I was told by a guy named Kasey, and his site is pretty interesting, so he goes up, too.

And finally, with no corelation to the others, the dude at Awful Announcing gets in as well. Don't know why he wasn't up there before, after all, I am an awful announcer.

Oh, and I just thought "Links" was stupid by itself as a title, and I couldn't make an interesting story about Barq's so Michael Spinks gets a pic.

I want my sanity back, back, back

2007-07-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

There’s an old joke about a suicide hotline mis-printing a phone number directing those contemplating taking their own life to the Nike HQ, where the phone was answered “Just Do It.”

Fortunately, after the derby last night people weren’t dialing up Nike because three hours of Chris Berman’s impression of the Chili’s rib song, interspersed with references to Magglio and Stitch Ordonez would be enough to make anyone think that a beer bottle to the skull was a suitable end to the night.

I was smart enough not to punish myself, but my colleague on the show, Rebecca wasn’t (not entirely out-of-character, either). So as she subjected herself the mind drubbing that was Boomer, she kept count of how many times he broke into his signature call.

First round: 46 (including swing-off)
Second round: 68
Finals: 7 (not including discussion about what type of homer constitutes which type of backiness).

So in a three-hour broadcast, that makes the total 121 utterances of insanity. 11-squared repetitions of retardation.

That’s 40 times per hour. Including commercial time, that’s once every 90-seconds. If you happened to tune out during commercials, you’re closer to once every minute.

It’s not a signature call, Chris. Not every 90 seconds. Every 90-seconds, it’s annoying. If someone was playing the “Berman Drinking Game” they’d make Pat Summerall and Mickey Mantle look like owners of healthy livers.

If Berman were directing the Electric Slide for just one person, the static electricity generated by the person taking a step back every time Berman said the word would have ended California’s energy crisis.

I’m less tired of hearing bad-Bill-Clinton-sexual-relations imitations. I’m less tired of seeing stories about Paris Hilton and Jail. I’d more readily sit and watch “Quite Frankly” for three hours than the Home Run Derby with Chris Berman.

ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE TIMES.

If you cut one John Kruk hair every time Berman broke out into BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK, he’d look like Dr. Evil before the finals even started.

Allow me, Chris, to address you for a moment in your own terms.

KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF.

Did Tiger Tank?

2007-06-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Formerly in this space was a post about our buddy Tiger Woods and his TANK JOB at the US Open.

Well, it happened to be up to the somewhat higher standards of our buddy Jay Busbee's site Sports Gone South, so you can now find it at that link.

It's not deadspin, but his 50ish(?) readers are more that our two-ish. It's also full-text instead of just a link. Booya!

I'm taking over the Intrawebs - One blog at a time.

Blogservations - Print Edition

2007-06-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

It’s been a big week for us here - we’ve been recognized by deadspin, and we’ve nearly wrapped up negotiations with our first corporate sponsor. On top of that, we’ve done a lot of work perfecting the blog-voice, where we refer to ourselves in plural pronouns, despite the fact that we are a singular entity. We may have some trouble with it, I tend to have trouble with change (Awwww, crap!).

Here’s the latest installment of blogservations - the print version. We call it that, because it’s not very timely. Some of these are weeks old, but both of you reading this will forgive me (awwww, crap!), we’re sure:

Alex Rodriguez caught a ton of flack for shouting some phrase or primal noise in a game against the Toronto Blue Jays, thus causing Howie Clark to spaz and drop the ball.

We’re shocked, not so much because A-Rod would do something that is against “The Code,” but that A-Rod’s lisp didn’t give away the fact that he wasn’t John McDonald.

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The media loves to report, and the people love to hear/see/read, bad news. So it’s not shocking that when the NCAA granted every member of the Duke lacrosse team an extra year of eligibility for the missing season it wasn’t headline news - anywhere but North Carolina, that is.

It was another day of vindication for the boys on the team, one that was met with great jubilation. In fact, it was worthy of a party. Lots of booze, lots of strippers, we're told.

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Reds outfielder Ryan Freel isn’t quite ready to get back on the field after suffering from a concussion.

I’m shocked that (Awww, crap!) the dude with the imaginary friend is having trouble getting a clean bill of mental health. Shocked, we tell you!

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Cowboys linebacker DeMarcus Ware is the latest athlete to sign on the dotted line and become a spokesperson for Chunky Soup.

No punch line, we’re Cowboy fans, so the joke is on us.

Bud's Big Day

2007-06-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

When you take a little Bud Selig ingenuity, combine that with a touch of four-letter devil overkill and a hint of college football signing day, you get MLB Draft ‘07 - Live on the Deuce!

I thought about typing out my observations as they came to me, forming sort of a stream-of-consciousness post of chronological thoughts (I know that makes NO SENSE!), but that’s work. Listening to the radio is already work for me, if watching TV becomes an exercise in critical thought I might as well just become a Gigolo on the weekends so that I can make everything fun into work.

That’s not to say I didn’t pay attention, I did. Sorta. On deadspin.com, Will Leitch made a big deal out of watching ESPNs for 24 straight hours earlier this week. Hell, I did it for about 38 hours on NFL Draft weekend, and that’s when the entire family of networks was showing the same thing.

With that experience in my background, I came up with a few ideas for ESPN/MLB to make the draft broadcast into something worth watching again. Hell, they’ve produced the NFL Draft for the last 2 decades, you THINK they would know what they’re doing by now.

1. The Draft Board - Where in the meetings to make this broadcast a reality did someone suggest ripping off the Family Feud for the board? Mr. Tony and Wilbon’s board for making lists on PTI features greater technological advancements.

2. We do care who’s being drafted - ESPN decided to devote about 60 percent of the screen to some sort of graphics, yet as soon as the supplemental picks hit they decided that showing which team was on the clock is the most overrated part of draft day. That draft logo really did need to be showcased on the upper left.

3. We do care who’s BEEN drafted - If you were watching this without the benefit of some sort of internet tracking device you had real trouble finding out who went where. The “bottom line” scrolled through the picks during each run through. Of course, that meant waiting through the French Open results, Arena Football transaction report and various other insignificant items.

Then you had to devote a half hour to seeing the picks scroll through, but that’s a problem with ESPN’s general operating procedure for bottom line graphics when something takes up more than 13 letters.

Is it too much to ask that you take SOME part of the screen to constantly scroll through the picks that have been made, and who’s due up?

4. Invite all Scott Boras clients to the draft - All we talk about any more with the NFL Draft is the guys sitting there watching the women calculate how many pairs of shoes they can’t buy with each pick that isn’t him. I don’t know what would have been better. Watching Rick Porcello (Dubbed Mr. Mushroom by yours truly) plummet down the boards would have rivaled watching Rick Porcello react to getting millions of bucks, but having to spend all summer in Detroit as the best moments of the day.

It’s also possible that Matt Harvey would have gone nanners on a camera man for getting to close.

5. Take advantage of Jim Callis - The Baseball America guy predicted the first 18 guys right in 2005. Read that again, and then think of Mel Kiper. He’s way more accurate, and he sorta looks like John Clayton minus 30 years and plus 80 pounds (that is to say he’s of average weight). He’s got everything the 4-letter devil needs in a draft guru.

After the Toronto Blue Jays used their second pick of the day to draft Jonathan Arencibia, one of the ESPN guys (Probably KR) talked about how this was unexpected and a bit of a reach. Callis then laid the smacketh down and said that he was fairly certain of the pick the night before.

Callis should have been on the set instead of Gammons, who allegedly “pumped his fist” after Billy Beane’s first rounder. Asked by KR why, Pete said because he saw the guy pitch in college. Spot on, Pete, spot on. I bet when the WWE goes to Boston Gammons cheers every time someone says “Boston” into the microphone.

6. Be less reactionary - Honestly, it’s not draft day that makes the NFL draft so good, it’s all the different mock drafts and speculation leading up to it. That’s how the baseball draft got a little bit of internet foothold as well letting it get on TV in the first place.

But I heard no one talk about what was going to happen with the current pick until the pick was made. Have I mentioned that Jim Callis was on the broadcast and had the first 18 right in ‘05?

SPECULATE!

7. Change the Day - Suggesting moving it to Saturday is obvious.

8. Replace Bud - Look dude, I know you’re the commissioner. I’ve even softened up on you lately because you’ve not been all bad since “The Tie,” but honestly, when you look down at the card we have to see the top of your head. Not very flattering. Then you read the picks with all the enthusiasm of Ben Stein taking roll. “Beaven, Beaven, anyone, Beaven?”

Get Cal Ripken Jr., to man the podium. He’d be competent. Or if you want to get crazy, get Ted Kennedy. You’d pass the NFL Draft in viewership if you can make that happen. “With the First Pick in the 2007 First-Year Player Draft, The Tampa Bay Devil Rays select, David Hyde Pierce, Vanderbilt.” Seeing him demolish names like a car on - too easy. Seeing him obliterate names like a drunken. It’d be funny alright, funny as hell.

That, and hearing him pronounce Los Angeles hurts my brain.

9. Replace the Card - Honestly, the whole Nick Schmidt pick sticks out I my mind as the lasting memory of the broadcast.

Quoth the Bud: “Nicholas Schmidt, Left Handed Pitcher, University of Arkansas-Fayetteville, Fayetteville, Arkansas.” I remember as the pick was made, I heard that he pitched at the University of Arkansas-Fayetteville and wondering to myself where the hell THAT school was.

Did I miss anything?

The Best Defense is a Horrible Offense

2007-06-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, one of my mom’s favorite sayings was, “There’s no need to make a Federal Case out of it.” Mom never met Michael Vick.

Federal investigators reportedly descended upon Vick’s Virginia dog-fighting compound (Crimes always happen at compounds, not at rural Virginia homes), looking for evidence of dog fighting. The AP reports that more than a dozen vehicles entered the compound, as they injected themselves into an investigation nearly 2 months old.

Vick has been silent about the development, but he’s found an unlikely champion in the fracas. The prosecutor who was investigating him. Per the AP, Surrey County Prosecutor Gerry Poindexter said, "What is foreign to me is the federal government getting into a dog fighting case." Keep in mind they only did this after a search warrant given to local investigators expired.

Further comments from Poindexter, again per the Associated Press: "I know it's been done, but what's driving this? Is it this boy's celebrity? Would they have done this if it wasn't Michael Vick?"

I’m not a genius, but I’m thinking it’s being driven by Poindexter’s slow-to-react “investigation.” I don’t know if they would have “done this” if Ron Mexico weren’t involved, but I’m sure they wouldn’t have if Poindexter had instructed police to execute the search warrant rather than sit there doing nothing.

Reading the comments of Gerry, it’s possible that rather than defending Vick, he’s simply trying to cover his own ass, since he didn’t want to make a federal - errr local - case out of it. That is, until he goes there.

“There's something awful going on here. I don't know if it's racial. I don't know what it is,” Poindexter concluded. Poindexter, who’d black, didn’t specify if the racist acts of the federal government were directed at Vick for fighting dogs or himself for being an incompetent prosecutor.

If I were Michael Vick, I’d be sleeping pretty well tonight. After all, it’s not that often that the prosecution in a case goes on the offensive for the defense.

(Note, I use the pic of Jack because he's a "FEDERAL AGENT!" There are more of these Jack Bauer Motivational Posters)

EXCITING TITLE DRAWING INTEREST FOR SUBSTANTIVE CONTENT

2007-05-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

Andy Roddick lost for the second straight year in the first round of the French Open.

I know, it’s not really news. Anyone not named “Federer” (or Nadal on the clay at Roland Garros) losing at a men’s tennis tournament isn’t exceptionally shocking, but rather expected. Yet listening to Sporting News Radio the news of Roddick’s defeat was able sneak into the Flash.

It got me thinking of the athletes who make news despite being not-news. The guys who get play in the media despite not being able to play. So I started thinking of some guys, and with the help of the most intelligent listening audience in the world, we came up with a list.

First some rules: The list is fluid. After game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, Lebron may have made it, but the last two games have gotten him off the list. For now.

A guy may also find himself on the list despite being pretty good, the list is determined by disparity between how hyped he is and performance. The greater the hype, the more that’s expected of you. If this were a hype-list about TV Shows, for example, you’d find Lost right in the middle. While it may be good, it’s not THAT good.

For simplicity, we also eliminate guys who were draft busts. That’s based on projection, so there’s obviously some room for error. That’s how Ryan Leaf avoids the list, because he was hyped coming out of Pullman, but no one actually believed he was good once he got on the football field.

This list is about the right now. Yes, at one point Bill Simmons was hilarious, must-read material. Now, unless you care about the NBA or eat clam chow-dah you spend most of your time reading his columns saying, “Hey, I remember when he played at Duke,” or “crap, more about The Real World, seriously?”

Finally, to quote Jackie Childs, the list is capricious and arbitrary.

We present the list to you beginning with number 1. Why? Because if we tried to build anticipation throughout the list, we’d just be adding to the hype of:

1. Michelle Wie - Playing with women, we mention her as often as Si Ri Pak. Her marketing team thought it’d be a better idea to have her lose to men. Her marketing team = no hype, all substance.

2.. Andy Roddick - Seriously, the only thing this guy has done in the last 3 years is steal Alex Rodriguez’s nickname. He’s tennis’ “Great White Hype.” Hey Andy, Jim Courier called, wanted to know what you’re bringing to the Nick Bollettieri washed-up pot-luck.

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - He’d probably deem his appearance on the list as “bullshit,” but we’d just dock his performance score.

4. Anna Kournikova - Not only could she not play tennis, but she wasn’t even hot enough to live up to the hype. She’s good looking, but she’s not violate-the-law hot like Sergei Federov thought she was. She was even out-Anna’d by Maria Sharapova, which has her down on the list. In 1999, this is her list.

5. David Beckham - I know 2 soccer players: Beckham and Pele. If I know who you are as a soccer player, you better be the best who ever lived. Otherwise, you can’t possibly live up to the hype that’s brought you to my attention.

6. Tony Romo - This one is personally painful, but deserved. You guys broke out the anointing oils, and look what you did. The NFLN broke out a special called “Who is Tony Romo?” On one hand, it says the hype isn’t all that, because people apparently didn’t know. Then again, I didn’t see a special called “Who is Samkon Gado?”

7. Roger Clemens - Ever notice how every time he loses he walks off the mound holding his groin or his hammy or some other fake injury? That’s just a side note. He is going to pitch half a year for a team with little playoff hopes, and his minor league rehab starts make TV. Michael Jordan, Izzy Alcantera, Delmon Young and Roger Clemens - The only people who’ve EVER gotten MiLB on TV. He still performs decently when he decides the fawning and begging has been enough to take a teams millions, but his hype is so great it’s allowed an obvious steroid user to have his name virtually untarnished by the scandal. Side note: Ever notice how since testing became mandatory in spring training, he’s not gone to spring training?

8. Brett Favre - He had trouble living up to his hype in 1996. Now 11 years later, he’s just a drug addict that used to be good and complains too much. I think he had more concussions than Steve Young, because he still thinks it’s 1996.

9. Tim Tebow - Chris Leak did 95% of the legwork in taking Florida to an undefeated MNC, but yet Gator fans clamored for Tebow. LaRon McClain was better on 4th-and-short than Tebow, yet Tebow gets all kinds of pub. They’ve even bastardized Tom Seaver’s nickname for him. I’m sorry, a tip-up touchdown does not earn you the rights to “terrific.”

10. Danicka Patrick - I guess for women we have to start comparing their hype to their breasts, because that seems to be the determining factor. Now, she’s borderline, because if we make this list in October, we probably don’t even think of her. She enters the conscious for about 10 days in May.

Honorable Mention: Daisuke Matsuzaka ($103 Million? Really.), Eli Manning (If his hype was his own, he'd be #1), Devin Hester (Remember Dante Hall?), Reggie Bush (Hey, his hype = rent), Nick Saban (Should that be Nick "Bear" Saban?), Chuck Liddel (see Soccer, but without the disdain)

Quoth Mr. Tony, THAT’S IT, THAT’S THE LIST!

Blogservations

2007-05-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts from a litany of sports-like items:

Clinton Portis has caught some flack for recent comments that several viewed to be supportive of Michael Vick.

"It's not that big of a deal, Cold sores are herpes, too," Portis didn't say, "It's his wang, if she's who he wants to do, do her."

The Redskins later appologized for Portis, saying they don't support STD's except for those that Jack Kent Cook had.

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Convicted killer Robert Comer was put to death earlier this week, and his final words before lethal injection were: Go Raiders.

Boy, Al Davis must be proud. It's my understanding that the comments were eerily similar to Davis' last remarks before dying in 1989.

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A Steelers employee recently sent a hardcore pornographic video out to pretty much everyone in authority in the NFL. Through my connections, I was able to obtain a copy of the video.

My review: The rocking of the boat made the camera work unsteady.

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I’m not going to say that baseball teams have been knee-jerk in response to Josh Hancock’s death, but since Hancock’s dad filed several lawsuits this week in the wake of his son‘s drive-and-talk-at-twice-the-legal-limit-while-rolling-a-spliff accident, the Cardinals have taken the unprecedented step of banning tow-trucks from the clubhouse.

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Actual headline from four-letter devil.com: Angels jump on Wang early.

Actual response from Leon Phelps: Yeah, um, those guys are bastards. I don’t think 8 is too early for the wang to be jumped on by anyone named Angel, as long as there’s Courvoisier on hand.

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Ruby Young plead guilty that she tried to extort millions from Bart Starr.

Actual response from Leon Phelps: Oooooh, a story about a lady.

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Phoenix Coyotes assistant coach Rick Tocchet plead guilty to charges that he ran a gambling ring. Tocchet knew that if the case went to trial, the odds were against him.

One gambling rink had acquittal at 10-to-1.

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Thank you, thank you, that’s all for me! You’ve been great!

Outside the Texas Rangers - May 17

2007-05-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

I know it’s been a few weeks since I took the time to look at Evan Grant’s Inside the Texas Rangers and answer questions that I wasn’t asked.

I know I fell behind my goal for 7 posts in 7 days. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a pair of them in today. It’s not like I’m lacking for ideas – I added 2 more half-posts to my documents yesterday.

If you don’t know, here’s the deal. Someone asks the Dallas Morning News’ Rangers writer Evan Grant a question. Without reading his answer, I provide one myself as I try to maintain my critical thinking skills.

His answers can be read here.

Q: Given the Rangers' disastrous beginning to the 2007 season, will they have the strength to stay the course and continue to try to build a team around pitching and defense or will they waffle like they have many times in the past?

Bob Womble

A: Bob, I don’t think the Rangers have a choice but to dance with the one’s who brung em – even if it means getting their toes mangled, backs thrown out and, um, calves strained.

There’s not really much they could do to try and reinvent the roster. Some bullpen arms, Ian Kinsler, Mark Teixeira and (for the time being) Michael Young are desireable commodities, but you can’t say that much for the rest of the team. Sure you could try to deal Brandon McCarthy, but you won’t get near what you gave up. The rest of the guys aren’t being asked about too much, I don’t guess. The farm is near barren, so you can’t even raid the silos for magic beans.

This team hasn’t hit, pitched or fielded well thus far, so if Jon Daniels wants waffles, he has to buy milk, flour and a waffle iron. I don’t think he has the budget to do that mid-season. The question comes after the year – when Tom Hicks has to determine if being pancaked in the standings is enough reason for him to look for a different chef.

One last thing to mention however, we know that Ron Washington has been with under performing teams at this point in the season. He’ll be a steadying force for the team, and history tells us the players will play better. It might be a reach for Michael Young to get 200 hits, but I don’t think he’s going to be a top of the order albatross all year. It COULD get better.

Q: I know Nelson Cruz hit the game-winning home run on Mother's Day. But am I the only one who thinks that even John Mayberry Jr. could post those same numbers, if not slightly better? A batting average of .193, with only one home run?

Josh and Tom are always raving about his power displays during batting practices, but obviously that hasn't transferred into any game display. Are the Rangers looking at the trade market to see if any other options are available, or is Victor Diaz gonna have to do if Nellie continues to struggle?

Michael Botello, Jacksonville

A: Who would you have them trade? As discussed before, there’s not many pieces to disassemble in a fire sale. Trading Eric Hurley for an outfielder is stupid, trading Ian Kinsler for an outfielder is stupid. The only thing they can do is make stupid trades unless we’re talking bullpen arms or finally telling Mark Teixeira good-bye.

But if you trade Akinori Otsuka you’re left in a position where even if the outfielder you get hits, and the other guys on the team follow suit, you still don’t have any assurances that you’ll win games 7-5 when the bullpen (as witnessed in the series opener versus Tampa Bay) can’t get a lead.

So they’re looking at the market – I’m sure Jon Daniels has called Omar Minaya about Lastings Milledge, but you don’t have much to give up for him and there’s no guarantee he’d be better than Cruz or Diaz at this point.

With Wilkerson on the DL, the Rangers brought up Kevin Mahar who could hit, but more than likely becomes bench fodder who’ll then be optioned down after batting below the Mendoza Line in about 18 at bats. Then they’ll try to clear him from the 40-man roster to pick up a spot starter off the scrap heap.

The only thing you can do, and this is solid advice, is pay more attention to Cowboys mini-camps and OTAs. It’s looking like a long, hot, swealtering, long, long summer in Arlington. Right now, the only thing worth the trip there is seeing construction progress on Beyond Jerrydome.

Q: Based on the season so far, the Rangers will not contend for the division, therefore players like Eric Gagne and Kenny Lofton will be available to trade. What can they get in return in the form of top prospects? What teams would be interested? I would like to hear your input on other possible scenarios.
Jose Orozco

A: In terms of top prospects how do the names Ricardo Rodriguez and Edwin Jackson sound? Lofton is less than worthless in trade now, and Gagne might want to remain off the DL for a month if he’s looking for a ticket north (or west, east or south).

For those guys you’ll be lucky to get much, and in terms of top prospects you might get another team’s Edinson Volquez, who’s had his fastball closer to the plate than his name to any prospect lists recently. That’s really not a complement.

Then again, sometimes top prospects who don’t get playing time and get lost in one organization’s shuffle end up amounting to something, so it never hurts to pick up talent that one team has given up on. The Rangers have done this in the past. Remember when Todd Hollandsworth was getting at bats? OK that didn’t work out for them, really. As hard as it is to believe, one team gave up on Travis Hafner and Adrian Gonzalez. Though, I suspect that doesn’t make you feel better.

Also, at some point, they’ll start talking about moving Mark Teixeira, and he’ll bring in some top prospects in return.

Q: Do you think what we are seeing with the Rangers is the product of a system change? Do you think that the skipper is trying to change mind-set and showing he believes in these young guys? Like Nelson Cruz? Also, I see Mark Teixeira as not being clutch. Am I mistaken?
John K., Cleburne

A: Lets go from bottom to top here, John, and start with the Teixeira question. I believe I agree with you. With the team in the middle of a battle for the division in April he looked horrid.

Last September, with a pennant on the line, he wilted as well. Let’s not pretend he’s been futile in games that count, because, well, he hasn’t been in many games that count.

The idea of “Clutch” is hard to quantify, but Mark Teixiera is usually hitting, or he’s not. In April he was never clutch, because he was never hitting. As he heats up he’ll be clutch because he’ll be getting hits.

I wouldn’t necessaraly say you are or aren’t mistaken, I’m saying it is still a question.

As to your question about change – there are definatly things that have changed. In 2004, there were no expectations on the club. They went out for most of the year playing like Kenny and 24 kids. This year there was talk of playoff runs and resources (money, prospects and draft picks) put into free agents. These things led to increased expectations.

Ron Washington came in and told the players it was their team. Perhaps what we’re seeing is THAT change – from Buck Showalter’s team to the players’ – is one that these guys weren’t ready for.

More than game decisions, that’s the effect of the Washington regime. It’s not young guys who aren’t hitting. It’s young guys, guys in their prime, and the over-the-hill gang that’s stinking. He doesn’t have a ton of veteran options to turn to, he has to win and lose with the guys he’s got.

Q: Anybody besides me starting to see a similarity in Ian Kinsler and Alfonso Soriano/ Steve Sax? In the words of Barney Fife, Ian better "nip it! nip it! nip it!"

Dick Barron, Fort Worth

Steve Sax got baseball’s version of the yips. Couldn’t clear his head to make throws, and then his body followed. Seems that Kinsler’s errors are because his mind isn’t getting his body in the right place. Not to say he’s disinterested and watching bugs in the lights, but he’s not getting himself to the right spot. .

When he starts thinking about what he’s thinking about – then we’ve got a problem. As it is, he’s still gaining experience. While looking for reasons the team has played as it has, it’s easy to look at Ron Washington and question. But no one will question his reputation as an infield instructor. I’d expect Kinsler to start fielding his position better; Washington will get that much out of this team.

Q: A few years back, Tom Hicks was going to create a new regional TV network with the Rangers. Then Fox Sports drove a dump truck of money up to his house, and that idea was forgotten about with the FSN contract. My question is this: What is the status of that TV contract – when does it actually expire, and has there been any talk of Hicks revisiting this idea now that he owns a third sports franchise?

Joe Siegler

A: Tom Hicks played the media game before merging his AM/FM radio group with Clear Channel, so he’s shown he can be successful. Though he’s also won a title with the Stars showing he can be a successful owner, but it hasn’t translated to the diamond.

Contracts like that one are exceedingly hard to break, and it was a long, LONG term deal if I recall correctly.

I’d suspect that the talk from Hicks was done to make sure FSN didn’t try to low-ball him on the new contract. He did the TV Contract version of a parent counting to three, and Fox backed down at 2 and 7/8ths.

Fox knew that prime realestate like baseball teams was the only way to stay viable in the market, and when there was a potential alternative they came back to the negotiating table. So the talk served it’s purpose.

Unless I missed something, Hicks’ third team is a soccer franchise. I think he’s smart enough to see that creating a network out of a futile baseball team, a hockey team and a soccer team would be a little bit like starting a beauty paegent with a midget, an amputee and a girl with no teeth.

Q: I read in a blog recently that Ron Washington is already a washout, the gap between Buck Showalter's heavy hand and Washington's "no hands" is too great for this mediocre team to bridge. I don't think so, but I am interested in your thoughts on the matter.

David W. Motley, Chicago

A: I’m willing to write off the season as a loss. I’ve done it in prior years, and I’m close to that point now.

But there’s no way that I’m willing to sell Washington down the river yet. He’s managed less than half a year, and there’s certainly a learning curve. His has been steep, sure. His top pitcher has gone on the DL, his top slugger stunk, and pretty much everyone fell below expectations. Part of that goes on him, sure, but the majority goes to the players.

It’s up to the manager to push the right buttons on a team, but so far one button has released a hungry bear, and the other a tiger. There’s not been much he could do.

There’s also growing discontent with Rudy Jaramillo and Mark Connor, but if you look across sports the most successful teams are the most consistant teams. Right now, the only thing that will help long term is for the entire organization to make a committment.

Look at Bill Cower – one year his Steelers were in the bottom 10 of the league, then they had the best record, then won a Super Bowl, then they missed the playoffs. Was he any worse of a coach during the bad years than the good years?

Q: Is there truth to a Tom Hicks-Ron Washington meeting after Monday's loss? Is Hicks about to give the dreaded vote of confidence?

Chris

A: This is a question I don’t think I can answer without ripping off Grant or one of the other writers who are with the team every day. So I won’t field it.

I will say that if a hypothetical meeting did happen, Hicks needs to tell Washington he supports him behind closed doors, then ignore any questions about the meeting or his confidence in Washington. There’s nothing good that can come from the “vote of confidence.”

Q: Tom Grieve stated in a recent broadcast of a game that the Rangers have been outscored in the first inning 68-20 this season. How is this affecting the morale of the Rangers and their ability to trust their pitchers? How do you see keeping the team's morale up? What do you see Ron Washington doing about this?

A: C’mon, you can do better than, “Is falling behind early bad?” It’s been a mailbag with not many comments to take issue with, but this one takes the cake.

Let me answer your questions directly though: It means they can’t trust the starters, the team’s morale couldn’t be lower if they started losing control of their bodily functions, and I see Washington asking Jon Daniels to get pitchers who don’t blow goats.

How’s that?

Q: While I am not yet ready to give up on this year, would the Mets be interested in Vicente Padilla and whom for Lastings Milledge to fix our center-field hole long term? What are the realistic chances of Torii Hunter coming here in free agency?

Gary, Richardson

A: The Mets are certainly looking at options for their rotation, but a guy who’s due more than 30 million dollars and has an ERA that’s 100-times the legal limit isn’t much of an option. Due dilligence would also likely tell the Mets that he’s not a fit for New York. Padillia’s likely a Ranger for the long term.

That doesn’t mean that the Rangers can’t pry away Lastings Milledge. He’s likely done in New York. Other teams know this, and Omar Minaya knows they know. Milledge is currently on the DL, and even when healthy probably isn’t going to be traded immediately. The Mets lose nothing by leaving him in AAA, and will be able to wait until someone comes up with an offer that helps them get past the Braves.

At this point, there are no realistic chances of Hunter signing with Texas. He’s not a free agent, and won’t be for more than 5 months. The team doesn’t know how it will be made up in July, much less in November. Chill out.

Q: Hey, where’s my question?

Adam J. Morris, Houston

A: I was asking the same thing!

The Josh Hancock Legacy

2007-05-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I have prommised to be more bloggy. Unlike my regular job where I just let my ramblings spew forth and pay the consequences later, here I have the ability to edit myself.

Part of the blogging is that it's a free-flowing exchange of thoughts and ideas. While they flow, I've got about half of 800 posts saved on the computer waiting for me to go back, seeking the proper level of perfection. It's a function of procrastination. Anyway, I'm hoping to make 7 posts in 7 days this week (Including 2 or 3 "other people's mail" entries. The first 2 of the week deal with the month old story of Josh Hancock, since we have had a little time to gain perspective on it.

There’s been some kind of social uprising since the death of Josh Hancock. It’s now bad for baseball teams to make alcohol available in the locker room.

When baseball players wrap up a day’s work, it’s later than when you or I get off work. By providing it for the players, it saves them from having to go out to drinking establishments where they are more apt to find trouble. I’ve been there, you’ve been there. Rarely do good things happen at bars. Baseball players are at a greater risk than you or I. In fact, baseball players at bars put YOU at a greater risk.

Then we go back to the old ad campaign - Friends know when to say when. Is a baseball player more likely to jump into a car while inebriated when surrounded by general hangers-on and enablers, or around members of a team to whom he feels some obligation? I’d state it’s more likely that a player is prevented from injuring himself or others under the influence if he partook at the office instead of a strip joint or, I don‘t know, a party cruise.

If a baseball club allows beer to be served, does that state some kind of endorsement to imbibe by the club? Perhaps, but it’s no stronger of an endorsement than, say, playing in Miller Field or Busch Stadium.

What happened to Hancock is sad. For his teammates, for his family. Tragic is what happened when another St. Louis athlete got behind the wheel of a car after drinking. Leonard Little killed an innocent woman. Leonard Little had not been in the Rams locker room prior to committing vehicular manslaughter.
Drunken driving is an epidemic in our society, there’s no doubt. I just don’t think that banning alcohol in a clubhouse is doing anything to stem the tide. Yet people find the need to praise baseball for taking a proactive stand (even though it’s reactive, and misguidedly so), when really all they are doing is encouraging more players to do what Josh Hancock did - go out to an uncontrolled environment and have a few drinks.

Oh, I almost forgot the real motivation for baseball’s teams to stop making alcohol available: It saves them from being liable when someone like Josh Hancock goes out and kills himself. Oops, did they not mention that?

Outside the Texas Rangers 4/25

2007-04-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

Actual emails from people who know nothing about me, it’s Evan Grant’s Outside the Texas Rangers.

You’re getting the drill by now, I hope. Someone does a mailbag, I answer it for them with generally less regard for not making my fans sounds stupid since, well they’re not my fans.

The actual answers are here

Q: Was there any inkling during spring training that the bats would be this bad? No one outside of Kinsler is hitting much at all. Did anyone see this coming?

Dave Stewart

Yes, and No. The team knew there were questions with the team’s lineup. They started with Sammy Sosa, with no one able to predict what would happen once he faced real pitching looking to get him out. Brad Wilkerson and Hank Blalock were both returning from off-season surgery and in the spring there were mixed results. Nelson Cruz and Gerald Laird were also being asked to do something neither had done before.

So there were some inklings of trouble, but there have been 4 things that were harder to ID:

Kenny Lofton – Players are expected to drop off as they get older, but Kenny had avoided that. I think every expectation was that his game would translate well into what is old age for a ball player.

Michael Young – A batting champion, a good two strike hitter, and someone who’s about as unflappable as it gets as a hitter. You tell me one person who thought he’d start like he has, and I’ll tell you one person who’s obviously dopey.

Mark Teixeira – He didn’t heat up until midseason last year, but that was easy to blame on the World Baseball Classic. Every expectation was that even if he didn’t start off like he finished, he wouldn’t be the same hitter who looked uncomfortable in the box last April.

Frank Catalanotto – Dependability at the plate was his best asset. You knew you were going to get a good – not great, not bad – hitter. Or you THOUGHT you knew that.

It’s just been a worst case scenario for the lineup from top to bottom. Ron Washington’s biggest issue right now is figuring out how to work the guys in and out of the lineup so they stay fresh and don’t think too much. He’s used to slow starts though, from his time in Oakland.

Q: There was a lot of talk this spring about C.J. Wilson being a "Renaissance man." What do baseball lifers think of players who have interests outside of baseball? Do managers give more chances to guys who devote 100 percent of their energy to baseball? Is C.J. Wilson hurting his career by letting it be known that he cares about something other than God, family and baseball, the three interests players typically mention?

Lance Simmons

Every player has outside interests. Every team has entrepreneurs, hunters, and drinkers. Some stay in town, some go home. Some are single, some are family guys. Younger, older... baseball teams are generally an interesting mix of guys from across social, economic, and cultural backgrounds.

CJ’s availability to people sometimes gets him more attention than Wes Littleton’s interests. The old-school types look at him and think he’s a “lefty,” who are stereotypically considered quirky.

The locker room isn’t “Ball Four” or “North Dallas 40” any more. The way CJ helps and hurts his career is on the mound. Even if it doesn’t work out in baseball, I doubt he’s going to teach English to a bunch of dumb Army recruits though, so I don’t think he’ll ever be considered a “Renaissance Man.”

Q: Why did it take so long for the Rangers to give Kameron Loe a start? You'd think a guy who led spring training in ERA wouldn't be sent to the bullpen. When given a chance to start the other night, he obviously did pretty well.

Jason Rohde, Omaha, Neb.

As the first question addressed, spring training isn’t necessarily an indicator of future success. That’s not to say the team didn’t like Loe.

Remember that the place Loe occupies in the rotation got one start before Kam took it. So don’t look at the calendar to determine “so long.” This team has long been short on pitching, and thought they’d have more options at finding guys who could pitch if they gave Jamey Wright a shot in the rotation. One option down, Loe to go.

Long term, it could make Loe hungry to perform, or it could make him into Doug Davis – who faltered every time he thought his spot in the rotation – who didn’t find success in Texas, but since has become a viable alternative for Milwaukee and, now, Arizona.

Q: I was having a discussion with my wife about the quality start. We were basically in [agreement] that the quality start is a baloney stat. What does a quality start actually measure? Why even have it? A pitcher having a quality start does not even do any good if the team loses the game. If a pitcher has a quality start but loses 4-3, what good did it do? Another bogus stat is the hold.

Monte, Dallas

A pitcher’s record is more baloney if you are trying to draw knowledge from the numbers. How good was a pitcher that won 15 games, but gave up a ton of runs? The record is dependent on other people’s performance

Now, the term “quality” might be a little bit generous considering the performance required to get there. Six innings and three runs is an ERA of 4.50. While not bad, is it “quality?” It’s supposed to measure the performance of a pitcher in giving his team a chance to win.

What about a guy that goes 5 innings and allows no runs? He’s still forcing a manager to use the bullpen for 4 innings, which impacts games days down the road.

But baseball has not only the quality start, the hold, but six times more stats than any sport. All are designed to weigh a player’s performance to help determine value (to a team, and in dollars). Taken individually, all stats are basically baloney, to use your terms. But when you look at a pitcher’s ERA, record, ERA+, WHIP (Walks + Hits / Innings Pitched), and a myriad of other stats you hopefully have a better picture of the player.

That’s what ALL stats are for in sports – an attempt to quantify a player’s performance empirically.

Q: I was wondering if you get to listen to a lot of the opposing radio guys on your road trips and how much attention you pay to them. I think Eric Nadel is one of the greats and I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on your favorites/least favorites in the rest of MLB.

JP Heat, Lufkin, Texas

I think Ranger fans benefit from having 4 great broadcasters, and a good set of writers who report on the team.

I don’t get a chance to hear as many different broadcasters as I would like, but much like cheese curd for people in Wisconsin – they are all supposed to be regional flavors. They hope to appeal to the likes and dislikes from the fans nearest to them.

So while I can’t relate to some people, hopefully their team’s fans can.

Here’s a short list of teams who have people calling their games on TV or radio that I’ve listened to enough to like and/or relate to: Florida, Philadelphia, LA Dodgers, Milwaukee, Kansas City, Seattle, St. Louis, Minnesota.

Q: With all the attention A-Fraud is getting for his finally clutch hitting and having walk-off hits, what is the Rangers record for walk-off hits in a season? Career? Same for AL/NL.

George Trost, Grand Prairie, Texas

I need an intern to answer questions like this.

Q: I'm wondering why the Rangers don't bunt more often than they do. I cringe every time Michael Young comes to the plate and there's a runner on first. It seems he almost always knocks into a double play. I grew up as a kid watching baseball and it seems that back then the players bunted more than they do now. Just curious.

Sandra

Their lineup hasn’t been constructed with players who bunt, so that is a factor. Playing in the AL also changes that dynamic – there’s no pitchers spot so each spot in the lineup should be able to hit. That being said, giving up an out that someone who can hit could use to drive not only the base runner in, but himself, is something teams have gotten away from.

But you want to take the bat out of Young’s hands because that’s how you saw it done by your little league coach? I’m going to cringe every time that Evan takes another stupid question from you.

Michael Young drove in 89 players not wearing the number 10 on their back last year. He grounded into 27 double plays, or about once every 25 at bats. That’s one for every four hits. You have quite selective vision.

Last year’s AL batting champ Joe Mauer did it every 21 at bats, runner up Robinson Cano did it at about the same pace as Young. These guys all had 2 things in common: lots of hits, and more double plays than they wanted. But that’s the risk involved with, you know, swinging the bat and making contact.

Q: I am sure you are getting many questions about Michael Young and his lack of being Michael Young, but I would like to add one more to the mix: In your opinion what is going on? Is it his approach at the plate? I know Washington has been stressing taking walks more and Young has always been an aggressive first-pitch swinger. Could it be a mechanical problem he is trying to work out? I am just curious what your thoughts are on this.

Travis, Moody, Ala.

If I had any idea why he isn’t hitting that I could say with any authority I’d call him, not put it in a blog.

I guess my suggestion is to have him bunt more, then atleast Sandra could be happy.

It’s a number of things factoring into his start: His timing could be a tick off, he’s hitting the ball at people when he hits it hard, and now he’s probably over thinking the misses.

The Rangers gave him 80 million dollars because he’s shown not only ability, but also the ability to change when things need it. When he and Rudy figure out what’s wrong, he’ll come on strong. For your sake and mine, I hope it’s soon.

Q: The Oakland A's had a strategy in which they shifted their entire defense to the right side of the field against Teixeira. On Sunday, they continued to pitch him outside. Standard baseball knowledge would tell you that you hit a pitch where it is thrown. That said, would that not mean the A's were going against their own strategy? Is Teixeira not capable of hitting to the opposite field? In that situation, why not drop a bunt? Eric Chavez was standing to the right of where the shortstop would have been. Doesn't add up to me.

The shift is one teams have used for years against left-handed hitters. The temptation from the outside is always go the other way.

That’s because we all think of the old adage “hit ‘em where they ain’t.” Teams think that players like Teixeira will stay with the same approach when hitting, regardless of whether the infield is facing backwards, all on the left, or all on the right.

They are often right, and players will tell you that they won’t be taken out of their game.

Look at it this way: An outfield shifts and shades to play differently against several players. If the left fielder takes four steps towards center, do you then want Mark aiming for left field?

Probably not. He tried this week to beat the shift, and it didn’t work. So not only did he not hit for power, he didn’t get on base.

Now, bunting will likely get Mark on base – assuming he can execute it and not hit it where the catcher or pitcher can get it, not exactly a guarantee since he’s rarely asked to bunt. His job is to hit the ball far.

Another way to keep a team from applying the shift is for Lofton, Catalanotto and Young to get on base in front of him. That’d help with many of the problem’s he’s having.

Q: Is there an injury issue with Brandon McCarthy? His velocity appears to have been down the last two games.

Adam Morris

Ahh, you didn’t let me down. I was worried! Do you keep record of how many times he uses one of your emails? Will you send me an email?

Your question: His ego is certainly bruised, and my hopes are taking a beating. Other than that, I’m unaware of any injuries regarding McCarthy.

Simmons' Chat Crap 4/24

2007-04-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

This has taken most of my blogging time here for the last few days, but it’s long as hell.

Simmons did a “chat” the other day, I figured that was like stealing a mailbag. I’ll figure out how to do a “jump” here so that you can get most of these long ass question/answer things after a click rather than having to scroll down the main window and missing posts.

Which I hope to have more of, sometime.

Remember, these are other peoples questions, I just answer them. I don’t read the answer from the intended writer until after I’ve added my own. It's written in 2 segments - one on Saturday night, then finished up tonight. So you can tell sort of a difference in the NBA answers mostly, since the games had just started, and now we're a game or 2 in.

EDIT: No clue on the jump thing, sorry.

Steve (Toronto): Raptors fans or Vince? There's no way around it, one of these two is about to obliterate the vengeance scale as we know it. Which is it going to be?
Since I don’t watch the NBA except in June (when I can see the championship, plus the start of a shiny new season), I can’t answer this intelligently.

But Canada isn’t very vengeful. Outside of flinging poo from their police vehicles/mammals I don’t know what they’d do. However I’d guess some Jersey wore off on Vince in the last few years.

Gimme the Nets. (Also, I know the playoffs started today, but I have no idea who won if these two teams played today.)

Richard (Atlanta): Time for you to be NFL GM for a change. If you're Oakland do you take Calvin Johnson, JaMarcus Russell or trade down?

If I’m Oakland’s GM, I pick whoever Mr. Davis suggests I pick. Isn’t that how it works? Everyone agrees with him, and then we take the fall after we suck with other league-types talking about how we deserved a better situation?

Now, if I’m Al Davis, I take Russell, because I love a QB who can throw it deep. I made up my mind after watching the film (and I mean FILM) of his pro-day.

If I’m the Raiders and I have Al put into a home, I trade Moss for whatever I can get then take Johnson. He’s THAT good. Lets not forget Reggie Ball was his QB in college. That guy SUUUUUCKS, and Calvin still performed. He’ll make any QB look serviceable. Same answer if I’m the theoretical GM of a theoretical team not named the Raidahs with has that option on draft day.

Chris (Ft. Worth, Tx.): Are people crazy or what? Do you honestly think that Golden State has any hope against Dallas. Ok regular season is one thing, playoff time is another. I say mavs dispose of them in 5, not saying it wont be a close 5 games but none the less mavs finish them off fairly easily.

Yes, people are crazy. I was at the mall today since they have both gyros and Chic-Fil-A, and I saw a really hot chick being bossed around by a toothless dude in a hat Ashton Kutcher would wear. I don’t know who’s more crazy though- Her for listening to him, or the dude for not only bossing her around, but having the lack of brain cells to talk to her in the first place. Unless they were cousins, which just makes ME crazy.

Mavs Sweep (again I don’t know the outcome if these 2 have already played).

Craig (Kalamazoo, Michigan):: As a Tiger fan, how long do I have to wait untill I get to see Zumaya with the closing job?

Are you crazy? Oh, wait, wrong question. Todd Jones has been good so far, don’t screw with what is working. Besides, didn’t a new Guitar Hero come out a few weeks ago? I’d say Zumaya gets past Master of Puppets before he gets the closer job.

Robbie (Pound Ridge, NY): Since Payton won the Super Bowl are we officially going to have to change the term "the Manning face" to "the George Bush face"?

Enough with the fucking faces thing already. I think Simmons ripped this idea off from Drew in “Office Space.” Can I get a ruling on this? Karate Kid, Karate Kid, 90210, 90210, Karate Kid!

Benny (Indianapolis, IN): Do the Lakers have any chance of upsetting the Suns?

Kobe can take over a game, even five games in a row and just will the Lakers to win, but the NBA is fixed. I can’t go any further on the NBA without someone giving me an answer as to how a five-seed has home court advantage, and how a two becomes a five with a better record? FIX! FIX! It’s already determined that the Suns and Mavs will meet in the finals.

Jesse (Indianapolis, IN): So I'm curious what you're take is on A-Rod's ridiculous start to the season. Has he finally been embraced by NY and will he play like this when it really matters? Or does he revert to the same old head case we know and love.

Never underestimate the power of the contract year. But yes, he has been embraced by the Yankee fans until he does something they don’t like. How come people talk about the pressure cooker of playing in New York and put it on the Media? Isn’t it the fans? They suck, but there’s a lot of them. BFD. How is it they are considered “great fans” when they turn on you in a heart beat?

Also, check the stats idiot. Don’t listen to the media who tell you A-Rod isn’t good in the playoffs. He’s been bad in his last 3 playoff series, he was good before that - including against the Yankees. www.baseball-reference.com

Ryan (Pittsburgh): Sports Guy what are your thoughts on the Day 6 of 24? For me it's been an upgrade over the previous 2 seasons, but it is still a distant 4th behind seasons 1-3.

Day 6 has been the most bi-polar of seasons. It had the worst episode ever, and the end of the first act just kind of hit you with no build up. The family things were exciting, but then they dropped it without Jack knowing the kid is his. Kim will be uberpissed next year when she learns she has a brother Jack didn’t tell her about. You’d also think Jack would have asked if they found his Dad.

It seems this season wasn’t thought out enough. Just be glad The Ni9e got cancelled, or else we wouldn’t get the Chinese Vengance. Side note: Don’t the Chinese realize it was just a consul and he was shot by his own dude? Commie Bastards.

Plus, Jack is Jack. We’ve had far too many episodes where he wasn’t the focus. The David Palmer stories never felt forced. The Wayne Palmer ones did.

But you can’t make a determination of this season until you see how Jack handles the Chinese. It will either put this season right behind the first on the all-time list, or it will be 6th. I guess it’s like seeding in the NBA Playoffs.

Cheap Plug for www.watching24.com - best 24 site on the net.

Here’s Simmons answer that I just read: Bill Simmons: Wasted year. I'm not giving up on the show, but it's been the worst of the 6 seasons and definitely the worst-written and worst-acted. I'd like to see them do an experimental season where something crazy happens, like Jack has severe diarrhea during the entire season and it's a running theme. "I need to find a bathroom - WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS IT???????"

Bill, you are so dead to me.

Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY): Don't I look like I'm having fun?

Well, you’re all dolled up in your purple lipstick. So I guess you’re like a girl on prom night before she gets drunk.

DJ Smithers, BC: You mentioned that you are trying to take interest in the NHL playoffs. Have you managed to watch (or find) any of the games?

No, I have Dish and no Versus. Which also means no Extra Innings. Screw you, Bud, screw you.

Cameron Dallas, TX: Should I just go ahead and tell my boss I'm taking the rest of the day off and going home to watch your chat? I don't know if I can afford another 3 hour marathon chat without getting fired.

Ego-only question 1

David Stern : Mr. Simmons, come into my office, we need to talk...

What? Are you going to pitch an EOE series? Like Stump the Schwabb, special Simmons edition where it’s all Celtics questions? Seriously, who wouldn’t watch this? You’d watch this! One day when he programs ESPN8.

clipper season tix rep: SO Bill you renewing your tickets for next season?

Stu Scott has crazy-ass eyes.

Marino (Cold Spring NY): With the Yankees traveling to Boston this weekend who do you have for the series?

The Celtics! Shut up, water-head. I realized this week that on my two big fantasy teams, I’ve got Schilling and Beckett. Sucks for me to root for the Sox 2 out of every 5 days.

Chris (Staten Island, NY): I'm guessing your dream NBA lottery sequence would be to have the Celtics get the top pick but the Knicks pick (now the Bulls pick) have the second?

My dream NBA lottery sequence has Pac-Man Jones taking the winnings and makin’ it rain! I’d actually want the second pick though. I like both Oden and Durant, but I save money by picking second, and then I don’t have to make a choice and have it over my head like Sam Bowie.

Jordan (Portland, OR): Is there a new column coming out today or not? Just tell me now, because I don't want to spend the next 4 hours hitting the "refresh" button on the Sports Guys' World webpage if no good is going to come of it.

Ego-only question 2

Pat (Boston): "I believe we (the Celtics) have a playoff-caliber team right now. With no changes." Danny Ainge. Can I get a reaction on this?

They play in the East. I don’t watch basketball and know that a box of poop, toaster, and three Russians can make the playoffs every other year.

Scott (Salt Lake City, UT: All experts are picking the Rockets over the Jazz!! But they seem to forget the Jazz beat the Rockets in Houston a couple of weeks ago and the Jazz were struggling at that time!! I think everyone is downplaying how good this team can be!!

Dum-da-dum-dum-dum!!

Moo (SF): Do the Yankees fans like ARod yet, or will they always hate him no matter what he does? I think he has the worst home run celebration I have ever seen (next to Mike Schmidt's 500th hr dance). p.s. how much weight has ARod put on since last year, and has anyone questioned this yet? He looks big.

What am I the P-Man for the Yanks? I don‘t weigh him nor look at his ass relative to last year. But everyone has questioned it for the last 5 years, assuming this was to get a steroid comment going.

Morgan: (Eugene, OR): Please pass along warm 4/20 wishes to the SportsGal. When is Phish getting back together?

The dope smoker with a Phish question? Go Figure. Wasn’t the Hippie Circus in town or something for you to go buy a hemp necklace? You pot head loser. I see how YOU had time to attend this chat, since you don’t do shit for society. It’s not a holiday, it’s not a sneaky holiday, and I hope you get hit by a bus. I wish they would legalize pot just so half of these disenfranchised fucks who are all about being anti-establishment have to actually question themselves when not being apathetic to life and slacking.

Chipper (NYC): Why does E get to have the smoking hot girlfriend in Entourage? It makes no sense that his girlfriend (Emmanuelle Chriqui) makes all of Vince's girls look ordinary. Your thoughts?

Don’t watch it. But I want to. I like Jeremy Piven since PCU. But the problem is I can’t find Season 1 on DVD. Season 2 is everywhere, but I’m not starting from the middle of anything.

Justin (Boston): How come you didn't write anything about Imus? I thought that was required of Page 2 writers.

I’ve been busy this week doing 6 hours a day on the air, so I failed to live up to my promise to write something about Imus, and my promise to cut the grass.

Mike (Portland, ME): I heard somewhere that Tommy was going to be the Celtics representative at the upcoming draft lottery? Have you heard anything about this?

If you mean Tommy - the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pin ball, I think he’s represented the Celtics at the last 15 drafts.

Turdo Sandowicz, Houston: Assuming we can get past Utah in the first round, does my team have a shot against Dallas?

Turd Sandwich? If you weren’t from Houston, I’d question if that name were real.

Steve - Philly: The best part about the clip of the 85 lottery is the commish taking a big deep breath before reaching in for the envelope, like he is thinking "don't screw this up". Have you started receiving any threatening phone calls yet since you posted the link? If your columns stop any time soon, because your on "vacation" we'll know what really happened!

Ego post #3

Bill, Morristown, NJ: Does the whole Imus thing mean that we can't make fun of women's "basketball" anymore? Say it ain't so, Bill.

We’ve still got horse racing, soccer and Jai Lai. I mean, what’s the deal with a Fronton, anyway? Sounds like Funyuns for salad.

Short answer: No, it does not mean that. We just make fun of the white girls and lesbians.

Dave, Halifax, Nova Scotia: Since we don't get a column before the weekend, how about giving us some NBA predictions? ( I like a Suns Raptors final, but I'm an unabashed homer.)

A homer for what? Don’t you have to be near a team to be a homer for it? Don’t you have to be near ANYTHING to be a homer? Don’t you have to have a HOME? Hey, when the hell did Canada get the internet?

Bobby, Schaumburg, Illinois: If the Bulls get the #1 pick and get Oden. Can we declare a 2nd dynasty in beloved home town? Oh and how funny will it be if there is a dribbler down the line and A Rod tries to karate chop Dice K and Dice K just flat drops him...Yanks/Sawx....gotta love it!

A Bulls/Red Sox Fan? Bet you just LOVED the Nick Saban hiring at Alabama. I want the Celtics to get the first pick and get Oden if for no other reason than I want to see the guy who shoves it up Rick Pitino’s ass that Robert Parrish WAS walking through that door. Anyone who’s seen DC Cab can imagine along with me:

I think that would be like when Tyrone was on the car and saw the drive-in theater and spots Bruce Lee. “BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! I SEE ‘IM, I SEE ‘IM, I SEE THAT KARATE MOTHER FUCKER!

Edited out MTV question

Edited out another MTV question

Edited out a third MTV question

Shar (Great Neck, NY): Any thoughts on Hank Aaron refusing to travel when Bonds finally breaks the record? 2 thoughts on this: (a) any chance every team in the majors will agree to walk Bonds at every at bat so he doesn't break the record? (b) I heard a radio announcer this morning say that A-Rod is on pace to hit a hundred something home runs and would bet that Aaron would travel to see that. I thought it was funny.

It’s funny that someone in my vocation would still say someone is on pace for anything in baseball the first 2 months of the season. Dipsticks like that are why people rip on radio guys. It’s trite tripe. I think, however, that if anyone knows what it’s like to be a leper in baseball it would be Aaron. I don’t like Bonds any more than you do - but people hated Aaron when he broke the record because of how he looked. Now he’s doing the same thing.

John (Dallas): How do you feel about the whole Joe Crawford thing? He seemed like an ass but a good official. Didn't Bennett Salvadore deserve to get kicked out of the league more than Joe?

I think Joe Crawford had money on the games. Would it shock ANYONE if they found out the refs in the NBA were the actual thugs, taking money from organized crime to throw games? Not me.

Marc - Minneapolis: Sports Guy, I have to say, you and I seem to like the same TV shows, so I took your advise and tried to TIVO the 1st season of The Wire on BET, but I didn't get hooked...not sure if it was because of the censors or what, but it just was wasn't great for me man. What up wit that?

I don’t have a DVR, but I’m afraid if I did, I’d never do anything but watch TV. However, I could fit in 2x as many shows by skipping the commercials. However, then I wouldn’t ever be aware of things like the Hillshire Farms spot.

WHEN I SAY HILLSHIRE YOU SAY FARMS! HILLSHIRE……. HILLSHIRE.

Hey, I bet my wife would spring for the DVR just based on not hearing that.

I really don’t have one because once I have it, why should I still pay for it? I’m not paying a monthly fee for something that the dish company doesn’t give me a service for. Let me store my stuff on your servers so I don’t have to delete all the stuff, and maybe.

I’ve heard good things about the Wire though, I’d get the DVD, but HBO is too proud of their stuff.

James (RVC, NY): Who do you think is the most dangerous team for next year out of the teams who missed the playoffs this year?

Either Jacksonville or the Steelers. They’re both pretty good, and I can see the wheels falling off for all three of the AFC top seeds, because the NFL is just that damn unpredictable.

Alf (Baltimore, MD): Since we didn't get a running diary on Wrestlemania, is it safe to say that either a)you just didn't watch it or b) you were as disappointed as I was with the show??

I was rather impressed with Cena actually working a good match, and I’m glad that Kennedy is getting a push.

I hate when people screw up Kennedy’s intro though. It’s the best (only) thing on Smackdown, and every time I watch, part of the spot is for it to be interrupted. No one ever tripped the Ultimate Warrior when he was running like an idiot. WWE, I implore you, let Kennedy go to the ring first always.

Brian, ATL: Bill can we please have a video of you watching the ping pong balls in May? AT least put it on youtube b/c either way it will be hilarious

Huh?

Edit: NBA Lottery Question. Missed that, thought his first EOE venture had something to do with ping pong.

Mike (Los Angeles, CA): Have you ever know a girl as crazy as that chick from the Real World?

I can answer this MTV question, since I don’t have to know which chick he means.

But the answer is no. There’s no people as crazy as Real World chicks, because there’s nothing Real about them. I’ve dated some crazy bitches, but never any Real-World crazy bitches.

Brodie, St. Paul: Best team in the AL? Twins? Yanks? D-Rays? Thoughts.

See: Outside the Texas Rangers II

Brodie, St. Paul: Big T-wolves fan, and I have to say that for the sake of the good of the League, the Wolves CANNOT end up with one of the top two picks in the lottery. If you thought Elgin Baylor is a great Lottery Bungling Mind, wait and see how insignificant Greg Oden can become when playing on a team managed by the Great Kevin McHale.

I’ve really got no response to this. Other than to say you are not a fan. I mean, just like when people rooted for losses to get better picks, at least they were being selfish. Good of the league? Screw that, isn’t that the Ewing excuse for the Knicks?

Also, how come Todd Wright from Sporting News Radio (nee: All Night with Todd Wright) never gets credit for dubbing it “The Association” but now everyone uses it, and it’s all Todd.

Brian- Yonkers: You endorsing Mike and the M/Dog is hard to take. "Angy" Mike was all over Jason Whitlock this morning b/c JW called Imus stupid and irrelevant a few times. Otherwise love all your stuff, especially the book.

NOT ego #4. I am not a big Mike and Mad Dog guy, but give them credit for what they do. They’re the radio version of The Shield for me - I know it’s good, but I just never got into it.

Billy Knight Atlanta GA: I resent you putting Kevin ahead of me. I have worked VERY HARD to bing the most inept GM in the league. Guess I'll have to show you with this years picks.

I’ve never even heard of you.

Shahan (New York, NY): I know it's early, but with Dice-K's lack of run support already a theme, are we seeing shades of Pedro's 2003 campaign? (187 IP, 29 GS, 2.22 ERA, 3 CG, 14-4 record due to lack of runs and bullpen featuring Scott "I guess I'm the closer" Williamson)

It has been a few starts. Are you ready to send Manny down the river as well? Also, Pedro is in the first paragraph of the discussion “best pitcher of his era.” Matsuzaka has 3 starts. Give it a rest.

Edited out MTV Question.

Tom Wondra: West Bend, WI: If Phoenix gets the 4th overall pick in the NBA draft - who would you take?

Not the European white guy. I don’t know what trade the Suns made to get a lottery pick that high, but if they did I’d say Al Horford. Nash is Nash, and Amari was able to NOT get killed by the micro fracture surgery. Isn’t some foreigner their center? If so, you go Horford.

Ryan (worcester, ma): At what age do you have to stop watching reality shows that are supposed to be for teenagers? When your daughter becomes one?

Ryan, you missed the point of a Simmons. He’s able to maintain a perspective of a loser frat boy. He found his voice a decade ago, and he can’t change. It’s a catch-22.

AC/DC stayed true to their sound - and people say they all sound the same. Metallica let themselves grow as musicians and people and people bitch that they aren’t the same as they ever were.

Oh, wait, you were searching for clarification weren’t you? Uh, dude! I’m never going to stop watching MTV! Dennis Leary!

Shaun (Madison WI): Doesn't Isiah Thomas still have to attend the lottery because as of right now all the Bulls have is the option of swapping picks...what would happen if the #1 pick was the Knicks envelope?

Um, Isiah will just send the league a fax informing them that he is shutting down the lottery.

Jack (Cincinnati): Ive ready so many puff pieces on Josh Hamilton that my head is about to explode, but I am now truly excited about the Great Hambino era. Your thoughts?

It’s a great redemption story, isn’t it? Except I hope he fails.

See, I was in a fantasy league with someone who grew up in the same state as Hamilton or something, so he pretended like he was friends with Joshy. He then said Hamilton’s parents got a restraining order on me. It was awesome.

Here’s the problem with the soft-focus job they do on Hamilton. They talk about “Drugs and Other Issues” but fail to delve into the “other issues.” Because then the story isn’t so sugary sweet.

Jack (Ipswich, MA): The Suns appear very unlikely to keep their core together for luxury tax reasons. Don't you think Marion would look good in green?

I honestly have no more thoughts on the Celtics. Not one.

Joe H. (Orange, NJ): What did you think of A-Rod's HR "trot" last night? It looked to me like a tampon commercial. I'M HAPPY...I'M FREE...I'M ALIVE! Only thing missing was a sheer white robe and wild horses in a field of flowers.

Joe, those aren’t tampon commercials. Those are commercials for laundry soap. Tampon commercials are set in real life situations where the woman is in a slightly-below-the-knee black skirt in some sort of public situation like a subway or elevator. Jeez, today’s youth.

Matt (Washington DC): Isn't that the whole point of a luxury tax or a salary cap? To keep a team from stockpiling an abnormal amount of assets? Why is it so good in the NFL that teams can't keep great teams together and so terrible in the NBA?

This is in response to the answer from two questions ago that Simmons gave. The point is so they don’t spend outrageously more on that talent. And the reason it’s good in the NFL is that it keeps the point spreads low so that the people who can’t get enjoyment out of a game with no money involved can bet on more games and have more interest.

Kristen (Boulder, CO): Any guesses as to what ABC's NBA playoff/championship theme song will be this year? Will it actually be from this decade?

I think something by Fallout Boy is a possibility. I don’t know anything by Fallout Boy, but the dude on the Verizon commercial said it got him pumped. That’s the goal. I think. Is there anything more apt though than a white guy singing a super white-guy song for the NBA? I’m hoping for Brooks and Dunn or maybe George Strait.

I know I DON’T want it to be Explosions in the Sky. People love them, but it’s incredibly boring music.

I’d have a better guess is if I hadn’t pretty much given up on new music about 5 years ago.

Dave (NJ): Are you a fan of the UFC? Now that ESPN is actually covering the sport, I assume you can answer a question on it.

I used to watch UFC when it first started, and it was all about winning on that night - going through several rounds.

At some point, I lost interest. I wonder why. It seems to have gotten better and is still based on the simple idea of one guy kicking the hell out of another guy - something I can support. I wish I hadn’t fallen off the boat on this.

**Edited out theme-song discussion**

J.Satts, Denver: I know I'm a homer, but am I the only one who thinks the Nugs have a shot here? AI will prove his worth in the playoffs. Parker can't check him. Talk to me, Goose...

I don’t know what’s worse. The Top Gun reference, or me recognizing it as a Top Gun reference. I think you are pretty much the only one though, sorry.

Brett the Beaver (East Meadow, NY): Bill! Will you finally watch Friday Night Lights?

I watched this at the beginning, but the football was forced, the drama was too television and, yeah, the music from Explosions in the Sky bored me.

Jericho is a much better choice on Wednesday nights. I’m looking forward to Heroes being back. I just hope that next year NBC chooses not to put it next to 24 with about 8 weeks of hiatus on it. How is it that FOX is the only network that can figure out the proper way to run a serialized show is consecutively?

Jeremy (Dallas, TX): So, after the worst NBA regular season in recent history do you think that the playoffs will live up to last years (the best NBA playoffs I've seen in my lifetime) - I'm hoping to end with a rematch of last years finals with Dirk and the boys taking home the prize this time.. As long as Dirk and D-Wade get into a fist fight, I'd love to see a redo of David and Goliath

I’m guessing that this year the refs pick Duncan and the Spurs to screw instead of the Mavs in the finals. I have to - HAVE TO - know why in the hell Dirk lacks ANY killer instinct though? J-Ho has it…in the first quarter!

Also, I’m surprising myself with how much I know about these NBA questions.

James Whitman, MA: Bill, everyone I know seems to be jumping off the "Lost" bandwagon after the hiatus. My friend and I stuck it out and have been very happy with the second part of this season. I compare it to keeping faith in the Sox and finally getting rewarded. Mr. Eko being killed may have been the 03 ALCS, it hurt, but made us stronger. It looks to us like the writers have started to take it in the right direction and are heading towrds their own 04 ALCS and World Series. Any thoughts?

I watched the show a few times, but it seemed like a really, really long episode of the Outer Limits. Without nudity, I couldn’t watch the Outer Limits. Lost has no nudity, so I don’t watch. I guess that makes it more like the 04 NBA Finals.

Also, why does everyone who reads Simmons feel the need to force analogies into the question. I mean FORCED. To me, this is like when you were out dating that one girl who wouldn’t let you in her pants, so you’d try to get her drunk hoping it would let down the defenses on your really crappy offense. So you just kept putting up these really bad shots, and sometimes, one would get through and you’d get to 3rd base.

zoe(atl): Bill, can you rank your top 5 tv shows.

This is rather simple. I’m not going to include any shows that have an anchor, panel or can be watched in person.

Top 5 on the air: 24 (The episode with the developmentally challenged computer genius can’t outweigh 5.5 other good seasons.), Jericho (I guess this is my “Lost” - you watch to get answers that never come), Heroes (Wait, this is my “Lost”), House, and Man vs. Wild.

Honorable mention to South Park, Criminal Minds and Psyche. That’s the list of shows that I try to make it a point to watch every week. Here’s some bonus lists: Top 4 that I haven’t gotten into, but will on DVD - maybe: The Shield, The Wire, Sleeper Cell, Entourage. Top 4 that you screwed up by not watching: Vanished, Kidnapped, Studio 60, and The Black Donnellys.

And the 2 on DVD that you must purchase: The Pretender and Sports Night.

mike (Laguna Niguel, Ca): Whose your best bet for this years Tim Thomas in th playoffs, parlaying some good games into a giant unworthy contract?

This is a Simmons deal. He pointed out this phenomenon and I’m not going to steal it from him. I guess it’s not tired since it only comes around once a year. Now, the Ewing Theory…….

Alex (San Francisco, CA): Bill what happened to you and the EPL. You two broke up quicker than Nicole Richie and food.

I dunno what EPL is. But that’s another forced analogy. Watch how often they come up.

EDIT: It’s soccer. The only thing I hate more than soccer are Navigators with customized decals of a kids name inside a soccer ball. Hey, make it easier for the bad guys to gain a kids trust by telling them the name of the kid they’re trying to kidnap.

Great idea, soccer mom. (This extends to cheerleading bullhorn, baseball bat and football helmet stickers. I’d have quit if my parents did this.)

Dr. House (NJ): BLASPHEMY! How does The Office, House, and 30 Rock miss your list? The Sopranos is often too slow and boring. Despite a down year, 24 is still one of the all-time greats.

Gregory would never say BLASPHEMY. I don’t like the Office - despite the wife liking the British version. It did have some good exchanges like “Would you rather be an ass-faced weasel, or a weasel-faced ass?” For the most part though, I hate shows where people can’t get out of the way of their own stupidity. The moved 30 Rock one too many times for me to keep up with where it’s at, but I like (to look at) Tina Fey, and any show with Brian Fellow has to be decent.

Mike - Coaldale, PA: Have you ever given The Shield a chance? Great show.

I’m hoping to take a week this summer vacation, where I can do stuff like force feed myself 3 or 4 seasons of “The Commish - The Gritty Years”

Daniel (Los Angeles): Admit it: the only reason you're ticked Nikki was killed off is because she's scorchingly hot.

*shrug* Which show was this again? I’m glad this is before the Heroes return, otherwise I’d be pissed that I read a spoiler.

Nati: (Laurel, MD): No comment on the Mavs and their strange rest pattern??? Rest your guys instead of eliminating a team that swept the season series on the 2nd to last day, but don't rest them on the last day against the Sonics!? Were the Mavs scared of trying and losing?

It is a 1 vs. 8 series. You don’t let 8-seeds dictate anything to you. Besides, you stick it to those hippy coffee drinkers in Seattle any time you can for any reason.

Jason, NY: I love how "Pettite Scares you". I do the same thing with the Yanks before a Sox / Yanks series: I build up the other team so I'm not as crushed if we lose, then blow off any wins we do get with "It's not over yet, there's still ____ games to go". I'm never comfortable with a lead or a win until said team has been eliminated from playoff contention.

So is it fun dating the attainable girl and not trying to have sex since you might get her pregnant?

Eric (New York City): Where are the angry emails, those are the funniest part!

If I got email, I wouldn’t have to steal these!

M.J Vera (Las Vegas): If Oden came out and admitted he tried pot once in awhile like the football players did, and that's why he's so mellow, would that give you any second thoughts on teh Celtics potentially drafting him?

You know who is going to KILL Okoye and Johnson? Randy Moss and Warren Sapp. It wasn’t that long ago pot use got them buried in the draft. Now its not affecting draft position at all.

Marc - McWillie Ok: Any excitement at all about Mayweather/De LaHoya?

Boxing did a good job of killing itself, but UFC kicked some dirt on the grave. I don’t even watch UFC, but I know that if I want to watch ass kicking, the good ones are in UFC - so boxing is irrelevant. That said, I hope Mayweather wins.

George (Richmond, VA): I can't recall you ever commenting on "The Black Donnellys." Did you give that show a try or not?

I watch it online via NBC’s website. I think I like it since I’m Irish. Plus, the Irish boss being an ax-toting psycho named “Dokey” makes it all the better.

Dan (Amelia, OH): Hey Simmons, I'm tired of hearing about how Red Sox fans are fed-up with Coco Crisp. Andy Marte hasn't exactly been the second coming of George Brett in Cleveland. Boo-freaking-hoo.

I’m fed up with Wily Mo Pena, killing my fantasy team.

Monte (philly, pa): Favorite Mayweather? Floyd Jr, Roger or Floyd Sr? I think it's Roger handsdown. You better be watching Mayweather/De La Hoya 24-7

Floyd Sr.- Just cause he chose to name a kid “Floyd” after he knew what it meant to grow up named Floyd. I’m sure that helped him get ready for a career of fighting, though.

Curtis, Columbia: What would you do if your team drafted Josh McRoberts? I can't figure out anything that would help that pain

Yet it’s nothing like the pain of the car/motorcycle/rascal accident he’s sure to get into once he signs a guaranteed deal.

Sat (Jersey): Will Sloan get naked on Entourage?

Um. Who?

Deion Branch (Seattle): Will I be worth the Seahawks not having a first round pick next weekend?

To the Patriots - yes. To the Seahawks, no.

Greg Oden (Columbus): Will I be happy in Memphis?

Yes, you already succeeded in a football town, and you seem like you’ll get a kick out of the song Chris Vernon writes about you (The guy who wrote the Coach O song).

Chris (MI): Come on Sports Guy...I read everything you right...and I'm one of 5 Hawks fans left... They could get Oden/Durant and Conley/Law if the ping pong balls cooperate. That's exciting right?

Write.

Danny (Boston, NY): With the fourth pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the Boston Celtics select....Spencer Hawes, C from the University of Washington. Your reaction?

NO MORE CELTICS QUESTIONS!

Aaron Nashville TN: Will Kobe be passive against the Suns like he was in last years playoffs?

No. I don’t suppose. He’ll go for 50 about 3 times, but they’ll lose every one of them.

PattyO (Austin): Maximo Park or The Fratellis?

Who and who? Proximo on Gladiator helped Maximus. I bet that’s where that name came from.

Dave (Cambridge, MA): Apparently the Grizzlies are considering Boston's Chris Wallace to replace Jerry West. Would that be a good move?

Bill Clinton owned him on Fox, so I guess not.

Jared (Atlanta): Am I the only one expecting Tim Duncan to go off in the playoffs like Clint Eastwood at the end of "Unforgiven" and just wipe everybody out? You know Timmaaaa's not happy about losing Game 7 at home to the Mavs last season and he's healthy again. I have a feeling that if the playoffs were "The Departed", at the end Tim Duncan's going to by Mark Wahlberg minus the plastic bodysuit.

Two forced analogies in one note. Impressive. Who’s Matt Damon in this scenario though?

My favorite past time now is seeing Chase from Nina’s last season of 24 pop up in random movies, and wondering what would happen if Jack were there to help him. So far, I’ve got The Departed and The Black Donnellys on the list.

Ben ((Charlotte)): Bill, you seem to be in to indie rock, mind if i throw a couple bands out there? Broken Social Scene, Pinback, or Minus the Bear?

Minus the Bear is interesting. As a band name. The rest sound lame.

Chip (NYC): Seriously, what does it take to get into one of your chats? I never read your book because I'm a Yankee fan and I could die in peace 9 years earlier so I can't suck up to you about it. I'm on edge here William. It's the first nice day in months and I'm stuck at work rather than looking at hot chicks in short dresses - throw me a bone!

You made my fake chat, if that’s any help?

Matt Millen (Detroit, MI): Im eyeing Calvin Johnson like a juicy steak.

The strange part about this whole Lions WR thing - most times when he took a wideout, it was the best guy left on the board. If he’s not taken first, that’ll be the case with Calvin. I think he HAS to take him, and then he can make a trade. He’ll have all the cards, as of right now people think he won’t make that move because of the PR. But once it’s done, he can let them know he is that crazy. It’ll be like the Eli pick for the Chargers.

Dallas (Carrollton, TX: You think Chikils is short, I saw Keifer in Shereveport after the Mr. Brooks filiming (new Costner/Demi Moore movie) and he was wearing super tight jeans, a jean jacket that looked like it had some studs on the sleeves and holding his girls purse or his own man bag. I've never looked at 24 the same again. Plus he's legitimately 5' 6". Costner though in person is straight out of Tin Cup. AWESOME!-

I don’t see a question in there. But OK. Yes, he’s short. I hope his bag was the green duffel that he had in Season 5, and had magically appear after Die-Hard-with-a-Vengancing Fayed. I want one.

** Edited duplicate boxing question**

AW (PHX): The worst part about living on the west coast is that when your chat is over, I will still have 4 to 5 hours to kill before happy hour. Any suggestions what to do with the time?

Ego question #4

Jonny (Summersville, WV): Did you ever check out 'Extras' on HBO? Not your cup of tea?

HBO, the Red Sox, NBA and boxing. Simmons’ fans are in tune with what’s popular.

Mike, St. Paul, MN: Speaking of,"Best Of's" DVD's. Whoever picks the best of's for the SNL DVD's needs to be fired. I bought the Phil Hartmann one and it was terrible. It didn't even have Dysfunctional Family Feud.

I want an SNL DVD with all the Brian Fellows, then all the Celebrity Jeopardy. It’s not the actor stupid, it’s the characters.

Mike (Baltimore, MD): Why do some people throwing out the first pitch wear a glove?

I’m just going to let that linger for everyone to think about. Good question, Mike.

DM, OH: we deserve every episode of larry sanders on dvd -- why o why are they releasing a greatest hits instead of season 2?

When I bought “Malcolm in the Middle” there was a coupon inside for Season 2 “coming this fall” - that was about 4 years ago.

The good news is, WKRP put it’s first season on DVD today. AWESOME.

Sridhar (TX): SA did not lose to Dallas because of the foul. They still had the last shot in regulation and they still had the overtime to win it. So please stop saying that DALLAS won because of Manu.

They weren’t as good a team. Bottom line. Neither were the Heat, unless the refs count as “Heat.”

Jason (ATL): alright simmons, whats your top 5 bands that get no love from mainstream media??

Cowboy Mouth.. Um… Cowboy Mouth… Did I say Cowboy Mouth? Check their live show if you enjoy music and it’s anywhere near you.

I have a plan one day to start a radio station that plays stuff from about “Master of Puppets” to Saliva. Just 90s rock, and I’m going to get rich doing it unless Clear Channel or Cumulus steal the idea from reading my blog.

Tim (Gainesville, FL): Sebastian Telfair just got arrested for having a gun...any thoughts?

Has Urban Meyer offered him a scholarship yet?

Adam (Frederick, MD): Went into a music trader shop last week to buy Big Red Letter Day by Buffalo Tom. They did not have it, am I old still listening to them and wanting to buy an album I lost a while back?

I think you’re old for calling it an album and buying it instead of downloading it. Sadly, I’m an old 27.

Dan (Tewksbury MA): August 16 is the 40th anniversary of Tony Conigliaro's injury. It's time to retire his number. Thoughts?

I think it’s time to retire talking about whoever the hell you are talking about.

Brian (Chicago): I credit you for the Silversun Pickups recommendation a few chats ago. Can't stop listening to it. Thanks

No sweat.

Tom (Centreville, VA): Saw Silversun Pickups live a few weeks back with Snow Patrol. They stunk. The sound system was terrible. I could understand a word. Then I get in the car after the concert and hear one of their songs. I thought :Where the hell were they tonight"? So I should buy the cd and hear it all?

Blah Blah Blah. Cowboy Mouth.

Graham (CO): Simmons, who ya got the Pats taking in the 1st round. They are doing everything right this off-season, I am just glad you guys have to come to the track in Indy this season.

Whatever they did would be called “right.” For years, they don’t sign anyone and it’s cause they don’t want to over-pay. So then they start over-paying everybody and it’s a great move cause they’re filling holes. I’m unimpressed, and think they’ll used Thomas wrong.

Carricker is a lock to be one pick if he’s there, then they’ll go with a corner on the second pick.

Joe (Norton, MA): How can South Park not be in any man's top 5 favorite shows?

The same way Peyton Manning never wins an MVP. You just expect so much it’s hard to live up to it.

Joe (Washington, DC): Mute Math is excellent, especially live. Their drummer duck tapes ear phones to his head. Check it out http://youtube.com/watch?v=K6FUDOV9Glo

Ducktape huh? I should listen to their music based solely on that info. But I won’t.

Pat (Boston): You may have not been told, but one of the worst parts of the spring this year is the Sox replacing Trupiano with 2 generic JoeBuck-esque hotshots on the radio. As the only sub-80 year old who listens to every game on the radio, these guys just don't sound right with Castiglione, they've got no connections to '04, and if the Sox ever start hitting some dingers I'm going to seriously miss the "Way Back!" call...

Sucks for you. I’m sure they’re better broadcasters than anyone in Boston, you’re just too big an idiot to realize it.

Mike (New York): How far can the Suns go this year in the playoff? Can they beat Dallas in 7?

They can beat Dallas in 4. But it won’t happen.

Mike (Baltimore, MD): Think there is any chance the Pistons have an '04 run, Chauncey is in a contract year, Closer needs a championship, Prince always plays, and they are nearly as dinged up. No one gave them a chance then either.

I think they do it just to piss off Ben Wallace. They won’t win the Finals, but they’ll get there this year as the window closes. I think the Bulls take it next year.

Rob (Houston): If Silversun Pickups opened for the Smashing Pumpkins on the Pumpkins reunion tour, how would people know when the other band came out?

When it became hard to breathe because Billy Corrigan’s head sucked out all the oxygen.

Jim, Boston Massachusetts: Hey Bill, who ya got wining the NBA finals?

Mavs.

Evan NYC: SG- Have you seen Planet Earth yet? best show on TV

No. Sounds smart. So it can’t be the best.

Stuck in Corporate Tax: Kill me, this class will never end. Sports guy, give me a link that will eat up some time.

www.deadspin.com www.sportsgonesouth.com and google.com - Cheap plugs of sites I’m hoping to get a link from.

Kristin (Denver): Where's the girl love? When's the Sports Gal Chat?

When ESPN works out the bugs in their streaming video/credit card system. See, that's meant to imply..never mind.

**Edited Sports Gal Question**

Kmart, California: Raptors - Nets: Do you think any other arena is going to get as loud and angry as the Air Canada Centre, when Prince Carter steps on the floor? The city (Toronto) is in a frenzy.

Remember back in like 90 or 91 when the NFL tried to penalize teams for their building’s being too loud? That kinda sucked.
-------------------------------------------------

There you go. I've got some blogservations that I'll have up at some point in the next couple days. I actually try to formulate those into sentences, so it could take some time.

Outside the Texas Rangers II

2007-04-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

Evan Grant’s Inside the Texas Rangers gets sent to me in an email every week.

Some guys are at their best when answering emails, so I figured I’d give it a try.

But since no one sends me email questions, I figure I’ll steal that which belongs to someone else.

For years it’s had Ken Daley’s picture alongside Evan’s when I open it. Though I don’t remember Daley ever answering the questions. I know Belo is cheap and therefore hasn‘t changed the banner, but maybe they’ll be so kind to put my picture along side Evan somewhere down the road.

As always with these, I don’t read the answers of the trained professional before answering.

Evan’s original is Here.

Q: It seems to me that the Rangers made a mockery out of the "disabled list" when everyone fully admitted that Eric Gagne was fine but they wanted him to have extra work and kept him in AAA because of the 15-day DL. How can that be? It seems to me you could stash players for strategic reasons on the DL and unfairly expand your roster size. Am I missing something?
Dr. U. in Beaumont, Texas

Doc, I understand that as a (possible) medical stalwart you would have some sort of issue with the teams medical practices. But with a chance that you are some other sort of mumbo-jumbo doc like a chiropractor or medicinal marijuana prescriber, I’d like to remind you that medicine has diagnosed many more diseases and ailments than they have cured since World War I.

While things like ADHD are strictly diagnosed for parents who are too lazy or stupid to understand childhood, I wonder how you are able to pedal your fake wares on the open market as such a stickler for the term disabled. Your profession is the one that took the meaning from the word to begin with.

I also question your use of mockery. It’s not as if the DL is the Constitution or a cell phone contract.

Strategically, you are correct. Teams do use it to give themselves a better chance of winning by maintaining a fully active roster. The unfairness of such is up for debate. Do you think the Rangers are better off for having had Bruce Chen than Eric Gagne to start the season? If Gagne was not “disabled” then you must have some belief that Mike Wood was better suited for the early parts of the season based on talent?

While teams on occasion will use the DL to delay a decision, they still can’t dress more than 25 players on any day, and there is still the prescribed time frame to bring a player back to the roster for strategic purposes.

Ultimately, the meaning of disabled in the phrase “disabled list” is used to describe a player who because of reasons other than general suckiness is unable to perform up to a standard established by his own prior performance.

Q: Assuming you are a thinking man, and if my assumption is accurate, then you must have a feel for which teams are solid contenders, even at this early date. How about a dozen or so top contenders, based on what you've seen so far, and why you think so?

True, this was based on an assumption of Grant, not me, but I’ll take a shot anyway.

The Yankees and Cleveland are solid contenders based on their lineups alone. The Red Sox are also well suited to perform. The White Sox will hit better and the Tigers will pitch better once they get Kenny Rogers and Andrew Miller into big league games.

Learning is based on prior experiences, so I’m going to include the A’s who always find a way to get themselves in the discussion. I’ll also include the Rangers and Angels because the A’s won’t run away with anything. There’s 8 in the AL.

The NL teams: Atlanta, New York, Los Angeles, Arizona.

There is an even dozen. Standings this early are a lot like wins and losses for a pitcher. Partly based on performance, but also on opportunity. Last year the Rangers were on top of their division when May began. However, that was like a Rick Helling 20-win season. Based on opportunity.

So I countered that with talent and past performance. Which is why I’m not ready to write off teams like Philadelphia but you asked for a dozen top contenders, so I have some latitude to be wrong since a minimum of four teams listed above will be home in October. Twelve is a large number out of 32.

Q: I have read the recent press about Nate Gold. I guess the multimillion dollar question is, how does he project at the big league level, and does he give a viable power-hitting option by the All-Star break next season when we might be considering moving our current first baseman? At 26, he needs to get up soon, or do we have the next Steve Balboni on our hands?
Billy, Dallas

By “press” I’m guessing you mean “Newberg Report Message Board?”

He’s older and inexperienced at the upper levels of the minors so his viability is unquestionably questionable. I will question anyone who says that he can replace Mark Teixeira, who also won’t be traded. If Teixeira leaves, it will be because he walks away as a free agent.

For comparisons though, rather than Steve Balboni, I’d say he’s the next Jason Botts.

Nate Gold isn’t SUPPOSED to be a big player, so anything he does to help the parent club is gravy.

Q: What are the pro scouts saying about Sosa? I saw him crush a hanging breaking ball, but I've also seen him overpowered by a couple of fastballs. What's your take on this? Last I checked, the Rangers were last in baseball with production from the 4-6 spots in the order.

I don’t talk to pro scouts, but I also saw Mark Teixeira and Michael Young overpowered by a couple of fastballs.

I’m guessing your last statement means you are ready to be done with Sammy, but the team tried to temper expectations by saying he’d be expected to perform after May 1. He’s shown the ability to hit a homer, and has taken a couple walks lately.

He hasn’t been the teams best hitter, nor has he been the teams worst. I wish I had a more definitive answer on him. I know that Teixeira and Young will be better. I suspect that Kinsler will slow down.

But much like bladders - the older one gets, the less predictable it becomes. The same can be said for younger players, this far Brandon McCarthy has wet the bed. Hopefully Sammy becomes “Depend”able this year, and McCarthy doesn’t have to be flushed from the roster. But we just don’t know, and won’t for a while.

Q: Did the Rangers' pursuit of Eric Gagne in the off-season in any way preclude their search for another outfielder?
Phil, Lincoln, Ill.

For years Ranger fans have talked about needing pitching. Now the team gets pitching and you complain that there’s not more money being dedicated to an outfielder? Phil, I’m disappointed.

The Short Answer:
The availability of outfielders and cost relative to production (both in dollars on the open and trade markets) affected their pursuit of outfielders.

The Long Answer:
An outfield of Manny, Beltran and Vlad would definitely make the team happy. But they don’t operate in a vacuum. There is a budget and dollars allocated to one area can’t be spent elsewhere.

So the contracts to Eric Gagne, Michael Young and Vicente Padilla in some way precluded their search for an outfielder.

However, if there was a player that Jon Daniels wanted bad enough, who wanted to be a Ranger at a price that made sense - then he would be here along with Gagne, Young and Padilla.

Sorry I couldn’t give you another log to throw on your anti-management fire you were hoping to stoke.

Q: Will John Daniels' future as the Rangers GM be tied to how well Brandon McCarthy pitches over the next two years? His first two big trades, the Alfonso Soriano trade and the San Diego trade, have not turned out well, but if Danks out pitches McCarthy, would that be the last straw?
Kevin Olding

Lets use exaggeration to help us think through this.

If Brandon McCarthy goes 0-40 from this point until the end of the 2008 season, while John Danks goes 40-0 and the Texas Rangers win a World Series would you think it prudent to fire Jon Daniels because of McCarthy’s performance?

Jon Daniels job is not solely to make trades. He oversees a major league ball club, and ultimately is responsible for the players brought into and taken out of the system from the lowest rungs of the minors to the 25-man roster. He also hires the people who evaluate and educate those players. He educates those who educate and evaluate on how the team wants to educate and evaluate. He then has to evaluate those who evaluate and educate based on how well they evaluated and educated. That’s just the beginning.

His job is not a simple one.

I can think of few singular moves that would get Jon Daniels fired in the next two years. If he is unemployed it will be because the overall education, evaluation and performance from top to bottom is done at a rate deemed lower than acceptable by ownership.

Also, I would like you to tell me who has more to show this year for the Soriano trade - Texas or Washington? It hasn’t worked out the way Daniels envisioned it when making the trade, but it was the best offer on the table for Soriano.

Washington had him during his best season, and failed to find a trade partner despite being willing to move him. They only have draft picks to show for his contributions to them.

I’d also note: If it were not made, Soriano is likely at second last year, making Ian Kinsler either a rookie this year or a second year player for another franchise.

Each move Daniels makes has a ripple effect, so don’t call a trade an unmitigated disaster or a success based ONLY on the players involved.

Q: If Eric Gagne shows he's ready to be the closer, presumably enhancing the possibility of trading Akinori Otsuka, what do you assess as the need that the Rangers need to address in such a trade, and, of the teams already expressing interest in Otsuka, what do they have that we could use?
David Williams, San Dimas, Calif.

Don’t look for a trade soon, David.

Eric Gagne showing he’s ready to be the closer isn’t what will allow the team to trade Otsuka. Eric Gagne showing he’s able to be the closer for an extended period of time, plus the other members of the bullpen showing their able to step up and replace Otsuka and serve as a contingency plan for Gagne are.

I think you’re more likely to see another member of the bullpen dealt to a team in need, but you didn‘t ask that.

On a larger scale, I think the team will look for long-term solutions in the outfield and more starting pitching in any trade they make.

Cleveland has a cadre of young starting arms including Cliff Lee and Jeremy Sowers. Once Lee is healthy, either of those would be fine centerpieces for a trade with the Indians. If Otsuka is on their roster last year they likely make the playoffs.

Boston has some young outfielders, but solved the problems at the back of their bullpen when they moved Jonathan Palpebon back into the closers role.

One team that makes too much sense, but would never happen: The Astros. They could use someone like Otsuka and the Rangers would no doubt ask for Brad Lidge as part of the return. Hunter Pence would be the guy that the Rangers would covet, though. But it won’t happen.

There was a trade last year that included the Rangers, Astros and Orioles that would have had Lidge on the move (and Hank Blalock). It was vetoed at the ownership level of the Astros who rates his own team’s success just a small step above Ranger failure on the desirable ladder.

Oh, and………. SAN DIMAS HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

Q: Why in the world was Matt Kata at third [Sunday]? Has he ever played that position? I have never seen one position player have such a negative impact on a game, and still stay in! Where was Hank Blalock? Just a day off?
Derek in Carrollton, Texas

Hank Blalock wasn’t going to play 162 games this season. Likewise, bench players have to get some time in the lineup and Matt Kata had hit reasonably well in his limited role this season. Ron Washington thought he had a favorable match up with Kata in the lineup that day, so he got the start.

No one knows better than Ron Washington how horrible a day it was at the yard for Kata. But he knows that it is just one game. With hopes to make the playoffs Wash knows that he is going to have to get some performance out of everyone on the roster.

His style is to get that performance by letting the players know he supports them. He won’t be a manager who penalizes players for a mistake or two, especially when he asks them to do something that isn’t natural for them (it was Kata’s 40th game at the hot corner since turning pro).

Q: Team roster size has been 25 for as long as I can remember. Yet the number of pitchers that teams are carrying has increased from 10 to 12 in most cases. This leaves only three position players on the bench in the AL and four in the NL, which negatively impacts the overall quality of play. Why not increase the roster size? Is it simply a cost issue?
Jack Thomas

Like other questions, that’s one that has both the simple and not-so-simple answer.

Simply - yes, it’s money. To expand by 2 players per team it would be an extra cost of almost $800,000 per team. That’s another 23 million dollars in salary league wide.

But no sport embraces it’s history like baseball does. Fans like to look at teams from year-to-year and decade-to-decade. More players on each team would make those comparisons harder.

It’s why a large segment of the fan base hates the designated hitter, despite it making for better games (don‘t start with the double switch. Any idiot can figure out a double switch, so don‘t give me strategic reasons. But since you are going to anyway, let me ask you: which requires more strategy: taking a pitcher out of the game because it‘s his turn to hit, or figuring out how long he can stay in the game and still be a help?). Had the DH always been in place, no one would complain.

It’s a maturation of the game, and changing it fundamentally isn’t something likely to happen. The need for more pitchers is caused by better hitters throughout the league. If baseball wanted to stem the tide, doing things like moving the mound closer or raising the height would do the same thing. But again, that’s a change that affects the game at the basic level.

Besides, teams would just carry a 13th pitcher.

Q: I know it is early, but Victor Diaz has followed up his strong spring training with a very hot first couple of weeks in Oklahoma. Does the organization view him as a legitimate option as a replacement for when the Rangers cut bait with Sosa?
Adam Morris

I don’t like it when questions are framed to get a certain answer, Adam. Did you read that book about winning arguments and influencing people?

For that reason alone, I’m not answering.

I do have a question for you, Mr. www.lonestarball.com (see, I’ll mention your site when I answer, too). Do you send Evan like 10 questions a week to increase the chances he’ll put one in with a link, or are you just pen pals so he posts the one that you send him?

I genuinely want to know.

I think I’ll send a question this week so that he can put it in there, and I can answer an email from myself. It’ll be just like that movie Time Cop.

SWEET!

Yup, These are his Readers

2007-04-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Seems Bill Simmons HAD recently done a mailbag and I just missed it since, well, the only thing The Sports Wife is writing is something about a reality TV show. So here we go, the first installment of “Yup, These are his readers.”

Let the Karate Kid jokes commence.

Q: After reading your Basketball Blog and re-listening to the YouTube clips, I am now even more convinced that Gus Johnson deserves a nickname that reflects his rabid approach to calling a game. Might I propose: GuJo?
--Adam, Reading, Mass.

GuJo sounds too much like some hippy coffee that will cost $6 at Starbucks. I was there the other day, and my Barist.. Wait, this isn’t a Peter King mailbag.

Seriously though, are we now at the saturation point from Bermanisms where nicknames are based on your actual name than some physical anomaly?

Everyone having a name-based nickname is what has spawned people giving their kids stupid names. You can name your kid Fish Tank these days cause you know everyone’s going to call him FiTy… and that sounds gangsta, yo.

So, no. No nickname.

Q: Can we start calling Kevin Durant "The Durantula?" He's big, he's dangerous and even a little spidery at times.
--Dan Cote, Washington, D.C.

One time Al Bundy sung a parody of “Day-O.” In there, he used the phrase “Still I sit here with my hand in my…pantula.”

Admit it, that’s where you ripped this off from.

But to answer, no. You can call him Kevin Durant.

Q: How much does Jack Bauer get paid? Would A-Fraud's contract be enough for him or should President Palmer just go ahead and agree to put his face on the front of $100 bills? After all the s--- he has been through I just want to know what he is thinking when he gets his check. How much could Scott Boras get him when his contract is up at CTU?
--Chris D., Altoona, Pa.

What part of Jack’s demeanor suggests to you that he wants the ego trip of having his name on money?

Jack doesn’t do anything for the acclaim, Jack does it cause he’s a Patriot.

Jack also hasn’t worked under contract at CTU for years, dummy. Department of Defense, bad-assed individual with a green knapsack, and former Chinese Captive have taken the last several years of 24 time.

Someone with such a rudimentary understanding of “24” mythos has no right watching the show, much less sending an email.

Go watch Gray’s Anatomy.

Q: Every time I see Joakim Noah play I can't help but smirk in anticipation for the day that Florida repeats as national champion, when he whips out his (her) breasts during the trophy presentation like Joyce Hyser in "Just One of the Guys," with David Stern appearing from the shadows to throw a Detroit Shock jersey on him and the Sports Guy screaming, "Nooooooooooooooo!" at home. I assume this will finally make you a WNBA fan?
--Mike, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

I was one of the guys who made the “Noah should go pro, he’d be the undisputed #1 pick in the WNBA” jokes last year.

They got tired sometime between last years semi-final and the UCLA blowout.

The fact that you people can’t send better emails for me to rip off disappoints me.

The fact that Simmons went back to the well on this one disappoints me.

The fact that WNBA jokes are now trite and old, makes me sad. At least I still have soccer.

Q: While tailgating at Giants Stadium, we came up with the next best sports game show guaranteed to be 10,000 times better than trying to stump the Schwab. ... It's called "Heckle." In it, you go through three rounds. First round you heckle a particular player of a team you hate, then you heckle a particular fan of a team you hate, then in the final round you have to heckle a random team. We have three judges and the winner gets 15 seconds to make his "cross the line" statements such as saying to the Saints, "[editor's note: this joke was too tasteless to run]." Tell me this doesn't have great show all over it?
--Mike P, Cockeysville, Md.

That doesn’t have great show all over it. You happy?

Obviously this email was simply a set up for the joke about the Saints. When someone at the Four-Letter Devil decided that it was too tasteless to run, they should have decided that the email was then too stupid to run.

Thanks for nothing.

Q: I think it's time for the Hartford Civic Center to remove all the banners of the Hartford Whalers from its rafters. That place is like a guy who got dumped by some girl 10 years ago but still has pictures of her on his wall from a trip they took to Mount Washington in '91.
--Jeff from Manhattan, N.Y.

It’s rather odd that an email that talks about letting go of the past is ripped off from an Adam Sandler segment from SNL.

But to the point of your question, you still have your Little League trophies, huh? Did you throw out your high school yearbook, despite the fact that you haven’t been cool in a decade. And you still walk around with a penis, despite the fact that you were emasculated years ago.

People in glass houses Jeff from Manhattan, people in glass houses.

Q: Has Pacman Jones entered the "Tyson Zone?"
--Paul, Paris

I doubt it. You don’t go into Mike Tyson’s strip club and start throwing around singles. People who need to feel important by throwing around several thousand one dollar bills tend to avoid places where they can get their ass kicked, and Tyson could go through his whole posse, guns and all.

Is it odd that “Tyson Zone” has to be a strip club, though? You didn’t wonder about it, it’s just what it HAS to be. Not for one second did you consider an establishment with Mike Tyson as a namesake could be a Chuck E. Cheese-esque fun place.

Are there any fabrics to be avoided?

I actually copied this question from a mailbag that my wife had open to make a joke.

But then I continued with these questions, and well, the joke lost any humor. Keep reading, and you’ll see.

Q: They need to just put Favre on the cover of "Madden" and end this once and for all.
--Robert, Ann Arbor, Mich.

This year’s cover is hopefully saved for Drew Brees, Payton Manning or Tom Brady.

Just think though Robert, had your owner not liked Matt Millen on TV, it could very well be “Millen ‘08” that’s hitting stores.

Q: I find myself actively HATING the new Red Sox. Since winning it all in 2004, it has been a complete nightmare for me -- from the out of control bandwagon of Pink Hat wearers, etc., to the Chavez Ravine-esque feel of games at Fenway now (arrive in the third, leave in the seventh!), to the well-moneyed cabal of front office carpetbaggers with a "hometown boy" dangling at the forefront like a Tammany Hall vote wrangler at the docks of old Manhattan, to the string of bad personnel moves -- we are mirroring EVERY SINGLE bad aspect of the post-2000 Yankees. Everything that every fiber of my being loathes. Their obsession with catching up to the Yankees has made them forget about what got us the title in the first place: a TEAM.
--C. Fleming, Boston, Mass.

Well, join the rest of us that always hated the Red Sox.

If the Yankees are the Evil Empire, the Red Sox are C.O.B.R.A. - always foiled despite endless means because management’s always fell victim to hubris.

It was the Red Sox who gave Manny $200 million. They took a salary dump to get Pedro Martinez. And they also benefit from the biases of the Four-Letter Devil.

The only thing that separated Sox and Yankee fans were that the Yankee fans actually HAD a reason to be pompous asses. Sox fans were that way because they were from Boston.

The Sox were never a TEAM, they were a big market, high payroll team. Let’s cut out the whole notion that the ‘04 Sox were somehow an underdog story, k?

Q: You hate Duke because you are bitter you had to go to [Community College] ... you wouldn't have sniffed Duke.
--Becky, Seattle

If I hated every establishment that wouldn’t have me, do you realize how cynical and sarcastic that would make me?

Q: Sports Guy, you are in charge of making sure that Durant does not show up draft night wearing a cream-white suit and a green Celtics cap.
--David, Woonsocket, R.I.

Remember the question above regarding fabric? Here’s an actual one. Made trying to sneak one in there not funny since he’s actually GETTING these questions, and answering them.

The only person who can make sports and clothing work is Paul Lukas. Direct your question to him.

Q: So me and my buddies were making a team in NFL Street and decided to make Jesus Christ our running back. We gave him the beard, long hair and torn clothes. Turns out, he's amazing! You think the pass is incomplete and all of a sudden, here comes Jesus flying to make a diving catch. Do you think this would work in other sports games? I'm curious as to whether it will work in a basketball game considering Jesus was only like 5-feet tall.
--Colin M, Attleboro, Mass.

Colin, enjoy hell.

Q: When did the undershirt go out of style in college basketball and can Roy Hibbert bring it back?
--Alan, Colorado Springs, Colo.

www.uniwatchblog.com for CRYING OUT LOUD.

Q: You mentioned the luck of the '02 Pats and '06 Steelers. Obviously you are referring to the year they won the Super Bowl, but weren't they really the '01 Pats and the '05 Steelers? What is the proper terminology here?
--Jim K., Denver

He’s wrong, you’re right. I don’t read his answers before hand since I don’t want to rip off a Ziggy, but I’m going to be interested to see if he tried to defend being stupid, or admitted his error and move on.

Q: Wondering if you could settle an argument between me and my buddies? We were discussing how many sexual partners Jenny had in "Forrest Gump." Everyone seems to think the over/under should be set at 250. I argued that it's got to be at least 500. And that's conservative. Keep in mind she was a hippie, drug addict in the '60s the time of free love. She was naked on stage playing an acoustic guitar. She was molested by her father. I'm pretty sure she took down that whole Black Panther rally. Am I way off here? I'm not saying she's a bad person. But if a hot girl has sex with someone like Forrest, chances are she's got a bad case of the "Ben Stillers" -- i.e. she can't say "no." Now that I think about it, I'm saying a grand easy.
-- Keith, Hermosa Beach, Calif.

I have no earthly idea, but I’m setting your number at 2... And betting heavily on the under.

But on the topic of relations in Forrest Gump: You know how I could tell Jenny loved Forrest? When she cared enough to get him past that awkward 30-seconds to glory.

Q: Plain and simple: So how was the Art Shell Era for you??
--John, Cleveland

Hey! (Insert something about Mr. Miagi)!

Q: Regarding your comment about your life being a DVD you could pop in at any time -- that is my worst nightmare. In fact, I have a theory that when I die and arrive at the pearly gates, God is going to HAVE that DVD, and he is going to make me watch it. All those drunken nights in college when I made-out (or worse) with some ugly loser, all the times I said something insanely embarrassing and inappropriate when completely wasted, all the nights I thought I was a good dancer, all the times I puked and came out of the party looking like Britney Spears ... you know, those things that cobwebs have conveniently allowed me to "forget" happened. Not to mention what happened during any official unfortunate "blackout." Yeah, God has it all on tape and he's going to humiliate me with it, and he's going to want answers. For good measure, he might show it to my parents when THEY arrive up there. Can you imagine? The horror!
--Amanda, Blue Bell, Pa.

Should have tried to not be such a whore then, huh?

Q: I fancy myself something of a dead-eye at staring contests, having bested all comers of all species in my (admittedly short) lifetime. Which led me to wonder, who would win a celebrity athletes staring contest? The basic rule would be that a strict poker face has to be maintained until one contestant breaks a smile or flinches. I'd like to see the following competitors go at it: Tiger Woods, Phil Ivey, Dikembe Mutumbo, Rasheed Wallace, Clemens, Pedro (my dark horse pick; dude is scary intense), Ray Lewis, Brett Favre, Michael Jordan. This should be part of an annual special -- a decathlon of essentially trivial events featuring the most competitive athletes in the world. Staring contests, simple card games, mini golf, ping pong, HORSE, rock paper scissors, etc. It would be like Superstars except, instead of focusing on athleticism and skill, it would emphasize pure competitiveness and intimidation. Tell me you wouldn't watch this.
--Hilaire, Washington, D.C.

I’d hope you’d be pretty good at staring contests, seeing as how you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. With ideas like this, it can't be easy.

Q: I was in Toronto during the NFL playoffs and during one of the games, the "This is Our Country" commercial came on, only it wasn't fire fighters and steel workers. It featured elk (yeah the animal), people playing hockey on a pond, and finished with an image of some clip from the '80s of an Olympic player whom I could not identify donning a Team Canada jersey. Definitely an 7.0 on the unintentional comedy scale, but at the same time I was a little offended by the rip off. I thought to myself, "Hey this isn't my country!" What do you think Bill?
--Jack Crouse, Philly

I think that shots of Americana wouldn’t really sell cars in the Great White North.

I can’t wait for the YouTube version from Russia that shows people waiting for toilet paper, antiquated military vehicles and a fashion show featuring drab clothing.

Q: I'm now convinced that all men do the following three things at some point in their life: (1) seriously contemplate opening a bar with a bunch of buddies; (2) toss around the idea of writing a book about their college years; and (3) contemplate if a relationship with a stripper could work.
--Ian T., Charlotte, N.C.

Perhaps I need more friends, or should have entered a strip club more than one time in my life so I won’t comment on the first and third ideas.

However, if these are the type of things you contemplate, don’t bother with the book. No one would read it.

Q: So in other words, you were handed your lunch by your wife making football picks, proceeded to rave about Miami for six days, ignored the Colts because you're such a pathetic homer, met Tom Brady, which led to damp stains underneath, then got your ass kicked in a go-kart race by another woman and a cheesy Hollywood schmuck. You just earned pole position as the star of the next Vagina Monologues.
--Jon Picou, Paradise

I’ve heard of the “Vagina Monologues,” but can say I have no idea what network they are on, or what they address.

This realization has made the last 90 minutes I’ve spent answering someone else’s email a positive experience for me. Jon, thank you.

Q: I'm an overweight, alcoholic, factory worker from Georgia. I'm 30, my life sucks, and I drive an '85 Honda Accord. One of the very few bright spots of my otherwise miserable life is reading your columns. Keep up the good work.
--Brad, Stilson, Ga.

See people, Honda’s never break.

But we put this mail in here because the Simmons-centric number of emails was just not great enough to feed the ego thus far.

As an added bonus, this one can be counted as "funny" so we still have room for a real ego trip email.

Q: I have a man-crush on you. There, I said it.
--Joey Tiefenbach, Regina, Saskatchewan

And there it is. Remember the Ian Ziering man-crush on Luke Perry? Yeah, me neither, I have a penis so I didn't watch 90210.

Q: It's 1:26 on Saturday night. I was out with my wife a little bit earlier, so we did some drinking. She went to bed about an hour ago, so I am literally sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and reading your book (that's not gratuitous -- it's time for me to finish it) while watching TV. At 1 am, "Full Metal Jacket" came on channel 212, so I tuned in. At 1:10, "Naked and Betrayed" began showing on channel 211 (Skinemax). Why not, right? So I tuned in for the first "Obviously, we'll have nudes within 30 seconds" scene. Sure enough ... except when this girl got naked, she was wearing a nicotine patch up between her shoulder blades! It was clear as the fact that sports radio guys are idiots, and yet they let it in. I understand the need for patches in certain, um, places during soft porn, but a nicotine patch in a nude scene? Could there possibly be anything less exciting than for the supposedly attractive girls in these movies to be shown as the down-on-their-luck, things-didn't-work-out, just-trying-to-make-a-buck unfortunates that they are? Seriously, how do these movies serve their, um, purpose with nicotine patches on the ladies? I have more questions on this topic, but I really want an answer, so I'll stop here.
PS: In the 15 minutes I've been writing this, "Naked and Betrayed" has picked up considerably. But I still can't get over the nicotine patch.
--Jude G., New York

This is a rather long question, Jude.

First, nicely done on the verbal fellatiation of Simmons. Second, why bother mentioning Full Metal Jacket, your wife and beer? Third, nicotine patch? Does seem odd, but I was probably a band-aid covering up a tattoo of the actress’ misspelling of a proverb.

Q: Why do I get the feeling that in about five years there will be a Buster Olney-esque book about the "Last Night of the Patriots Dynasty" written by Michael Smith.
--Jason, Richmond, Va.

True, the Patriots did win three rings in four years. However, in the other year they missed the playoffs. They weren’t beaten by a team that had everything come together like the ‘94 Cowboys.

They were beaten by everyone.

A dynasty doesn’t take a year off, so the entire premise of your question is incorrect.

Q: Every week I check my wife's US Weekly to see if you and the Sports Gal have reached celebrity status. When it finally happens, what will you be doing that makes you "just like us?"
--Keith, San Fran

Yeah, the US Weekly belongs to your “wife.”

Q: Can we just say once and for all that an NBA player contract can't be voided unless said player is caught red-handed carving up bodies in a mass murder ritual?
--Mark, Sydney

I’m not sure if this is because of too many failed attempts to void contracts, or too many contracts being voided.

See, no one gives a rat’s ass about the NBA or follows it regularly.

Random pop culture reference to show I’m hip: Avoid the Noid!

Q: I was just paging through your Red Sox book, getting myself into the mood for the upcoming season, when I noticed in your October 20, 2004 column you wrote that "A-Rod is a liar and a cheater of the highest order -- the kind that would turn over an R in Scrabble and pretend it's a blank tile." Flash back in my mind to reading the Sports Gal's NCAA picks where she reveals that after six months of dating you turned a letter over and pretended it was a blank, and she didn't realize until the end of the game. Care to defend yourself on this point, or are you really that comfortable being filed in the same category as A-Rod?
--Daniel, Manchester, N.H.

I read about this on Deadspin.com weeks ago. Daniel, plagiarize much?

Q: I think there is a problem with ESPN.com -- the main headline has to do with women's basketball. Please inform your webmaster right away of the error! Thanks! A concerned reader.
--Scott, Dallas

See Scott, it’s not an error. ESPN holds the rights to several wome… You know this. Not wasting my time.

Nothing has made women’s basketball be discussed positively in the mainstream like Imus.

He’s going to end up being the patron saint of women’s hoops.

Q: I wanted your thoughts on what is the best possible movie scene we could have Gus Johnson do the voice-over for? I have it narrowed down to the scene in "American Pie" when Jim and Nadia are in his bedroom for the first time, or the entire male rape scene in "Pulp Fiction."
--Chris D., Pennsylvania

Simmons probably thought about this and gave a legit answer. It’s an interesting premise, and I’m going to pass on belittling it.

Q: I had to tell you I had my vasectomy today! As I stripped to nothingness and put on the all-encompassing "sheet" they have you wear, the hottest nurse I've ever seen walks through the door. Of course, I was concerned at getting "excited," so I have to think of something to control the senses! What happens?? I start thinking about your columns! I even laughed out loud when the nurse asked why. For the love of all that is holy, I couldn't say it out loud! Thought you should know.
--JSG, Tucson, Ariz.

There are certain things that you should keep to yourself.

Were there even a 1% possibility of this story being true, it would be one of those.

Q: Simmons (I hope you don't mind, but that's how we refer to you in my house),
My husband and I figured that there might actually be a handful (or more) of people who decide to FedEx their turd sandwiches to their respective team/coach/ex-coach. We decided the occasion called for a delicious recipe. Bon appetit!
Ingredients
[Edited recipe]
Remove from heat and top with baby spinach, tomato leaves and a pinch of salt and pepper. Cut into four equal portions.
Serve with a side of roasted asparagus.
--Jennifer, Lafayette, La.

You and your husband are obviously idiots. Not for putting this stupid recipe together, obviously as a mere tool to get Simmons to publish your name.

But you suggest mailing a sandwich to an individual, then direct people to cut it into four equal portions. Doesn’t really seem like a sandwich people would share.

So consider that hour of your life a complete waste since you were unable to even make your stupid idea coherent.

I’d like to make two of these sandwiches and mail them to you and your husband. Actually, make it one that you guys can cut into four portions and share with your children. Spawning from you, I’m sure they deserve it as well.
------------------------------------------------------

There, that took me a whole two hours to compose, yet Simmons acts like it takes forever and is work.

I’ll give him an extra hour since it’s actually his vocation, but if he spends more than that pondering responses to THESE questions, he really needs better comprehension.

Oh, and I’ve tried to stay out of the Imus fray for the most part, but it’s at the point now where I feel I have to address it.

I’ll do it sometime this weekend around attending a Cowboy Mouth concert and mowing the yard.

Outside the Texas Rangers

2007-04-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

Evan Grant does a weekly Q&A with readers of the Dallas Morning News.

Since I don't get "readers" or "Q's," I decided I'd steal his and give my own answers.

I didn't read what he had to say before answering, just copied the questions. His answers can be found here

Without further wait, someone else's email:

Q: I was at the Good Friday game, and down the third base line, I noticed Manny Ramirez and Papi [David Ortiz] didn't come out to the lineup introductions until well into the Rangers' introductions. Then the Sox lineup clearly was calling into the dugout laughing, and when Manny then Papi finally came out, they were having a good laugh. Any scoop on what was going on [poor Terry Francona seemed to just be shaking his head, used to it]
Michael, Texarkana, Texas

Michael - I wasn’t there so I didn’t see the exchange you are talking about. However, in most cases players are late coming onto the field for two reasons: Bathroom breaks, injections.
We know Ian Kinsler missed not only introductions, but the entire game Saturday with “a bit of diarrhea.”

But Ortiz and Manny? I can only hope that baseball players haven’t turned into women that have to accompany each other to the bathroom.

So I’m going to suppose they were getting shot up with something. Something that takes about 24 hours to kick in, most likely in Ortiz’ case.

Q: With the large number of picks the Rangers have for this year's draft, how is the draft shaping up (weak or strong)? What names are you hearing the Rangers circling around?
Heath Cheek

Heath – If I told you who the team was after would it interest you more in Delaware Blue Hen baseball (where Kevin Mench was drafted from)? Would you make the roadie to Kansas to scout Cowley County College (about 37 guys)?

The bottom line is, anyone I tell you about is just repeating information that I heard from someone else.

And more than likely, you just want to know so that you can latch on to a name then complain about it later when the team didn’t pick him. The ol’ “I told you so.”

But I’ll do my best to answer: as usual, there’s some top-flight talent, but it’s considered a pretty weak class comparatively. So you might say the team picked the wrong year to start hoarding picks.

However, few had Ian Kinsler pegged as a big leaguer when he was drafted. He looks pretty good, huh?

So look for the team to target two areas more specifically than players. The system is rated pretty low, having either graduated (Kinsler) or flunked-out (Edinson Volquez) most of the big names. After John Mayberry, Jr. and Eric Hurley, it’s pretty barren right now.

But those areas? Pitching and hitting. I’d be really surprised if any of those early 7 picks didn’t address one of those needs.

If you want to think draft, I’d say go order a cold one (Killians is especially good from the faucet) and ponder where you’re at in life if you’re spending the first week of the baseball season already focusing on the draft.

Q: When are the Rangers willing to give up on the Brad Wilkerson experiment? I am sure he is a nice guy, but he simply looks overpowered by anyone with a decent fastball. Take for instance [Sunday] night, he was simply blown away on three straight fastballs. Last year he was given a mulligan simply because of his shoulder issues, but with three more strikeouts Sunday, do the Rangers plan on platooning him any less?
Craig

Ladies and Gentleman, Craig is the prime example of why you don’t make judgements during the first week of the season.

You let people go out, and hope that eventually they’ll find something close to their historical performance. Otherwise, it’s time to send that Young guy out of town. He sucks!

The bottom-line though, CRAIG, is that it’s not an experiment. Jose Canseco pitching – experiment. CJ Wilson’s gyroball – experiment. Hideki Irabu, closer – experiment. Doublemint gum – spearmint. Oops wrong list.

Wilkerson is a member of the team, and management isn’t going to give up on him any time soon. He’s going to be a major factor deciding if the team can stay in the hunt for the division all season long.

To give up on Wilkerson, or Young, or Sammy Sosa this early would say the team doesn’t think it can contend, and that Ron Washington and Jon Daniels don’t trust their decisions and the opinions of the entire baseball staff on the players this spring.

Q: The consensus is Rudy Jaramillo is one of the best hitting coaches in baseball. The Rangers consistently have relatively high batting averages to prove it.
What about clutch hitting? Is it my imagination, or have we consistently been below par in that category? Are there stats to measure it (batting average with runners in scoring position?) And if we are below par, is that a reflection on Rudy?
Jeff Nelson, Arlington

Jeff – I’m going to skip the joke about you having the same name as the major league pitcher, because it’s obvious you aren’t him.

Were you him, you’d be like every pitcher in the bigs knows about Michael Young, who is about the best proof that “clutch” exists. Some say it doesn’t.

But they have about the same clue as you. Anyone who faces a stressful situation, be it in sports or when talking to a girl they would like to date, has felt some kind of feeling in their stomach.

Some people are more adept and pushing that feeling down, and excelling despite it. Some excel because of it. And other’s end up answering other peoples mailbags.

Rudy can’t help a player in the clutch any more than I could help you resist the urge to ask a woman if her pants are a mirror when the moment comes and you are face-to-face.

Thanks for the question.

Q: Other than Eric Gagne not being on the roster, could you see this past week as an adequate summary of the challenges and potential that await this team ... and what has (and hasn't) happened ... as a fair barometer seeing as how it is so early?
Garbeau

Garbeau - The primary challenge faced by any team is winning games. Since the Rangers faced that 8 times as I type this, I’ll say yes.

But let’s judge by the smaller challenges that they face in winning those games:
Can Vinny Padilla be the number two starter? The bag has been mixed. In his most recent start he was very good against anyone not named Ortiz.

Can Brandon McCarthy and Robinson Tejeda provide stability in the back half of the rotation? McCarthy was average his first time out, good the next. Tejeda pitches tonight and looked completely dominant at times against Boston. The early returns are good.

Can the team replace the offense of Mark DeRosa and Gary Matthews, Jr.? That depends. There have been a couple games with good offensive output, some not so much. It’s too early to tell if Sammy will find his stroke and if Nelson Cruz can hit things that move in a direction other than straight. But Kenny Lofton and Frank Catalanotto are both much better than they showed during the first week.

So overall, the best summary is what we mentioned at the beginning: The team is 4-4. Borrowing from another Dallas-area sports figure, you are what you are.

They’re .500. The team has been average so far, but that’s not to say they won’t perform better or worse over the next 25 weeks of the season. I'd say more guys have performed below their projected output than above to get to average, so I'd bet on improvement.

Q: On Sunday, I felt a little like a dope when I ponied up for that pricey beer as I now know how skimpy Tom Hicks is on the Ranger's payroll. Last in the AL West and all. Liverpool soccer? Please. It makes my blood boil! Is this ball club doomed to be a perennial also-ran as long as Hick's owns it?
Jim

This blog is run at no cost other than the opportunity cost of my time. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be insightful, intriguing, inventive and illicit.

Did you feel like a dope when you ponied up for pricey beer when Alex Rodriguez was here and the team’s payroll was near the top of the league?

Money is not a substitute for judgement, unless you are willing to throw money at money. There are one or two teams that will do that.

But the people working for the team feel that now they have the resources necessary to rise above also-ran.

For the last time, I’ll say this: payroll does not equate quality. Waterworld was one of the most expensive movies ever, and it stunk.

I’d rather watch the much less costly “Momento” personally. Perhaps I’d rather BE Momento, as then I wouldn’t remember the payroll when I was there to enjoy the game.

But the crux of your question: You should not feel like a dope if you had a Shiner, it’s worth the money. However, if your money was spent on something produced in St. Louis, then yes, you are a dope.

Q: Does Joaquin Arias' thumb infection and shoulder injury mean he'll be spending most of the year in Frisco rather than in Arlington? Do you think the Rangers' plan to convert him to an outfielder or utility player in the Chone Figgins mode will pan out?
Bruce, Calif.

I think Michael Young’s bat will be the thing that keeps him on the farm (Oklahoma, actually) more than in Arlington this summer.

Chone Figgins got where he is more by being lucky than by any design. He hit well wherever they stuck him, and he didn’t hurt the Angels in the field.

But the bottom line with Arias, and most other minor leaguers not named Jason Botts: If they can hit, they’ll be in the majors. Period.

Whether it’s forcing himself into the outfield picture or another teams infield, or everywhere on the field, he will get there on the strength of his bat. He can’t improve on disipline, contact or power as long as he’s on the DL, so he’ll be in the minors most of the year.

Q: Love to see a comparison to other Ranger managers in their first year on the job (but only those who took over in the off-season) with what they had to work with and how their personality played a part.
And even more so, I'd like to see what other "new" first-year managers around the majors have done with other teams and how you would classify them (players manager, hard-nosed, old school) to see if that gives any impression to what Washington has in store. I don't think we can compare him to a Dusty Baker or Buddy Bell or Larry Bowa or anybody like that, because he wasn't a "star" as a player. Is he more like a Ron Gardenhire, a Jim Lefebvre, a Doug Rader, a Ned Yost?

Anonymous – Not asking for a whole lot are you? I’m not doing the research necessary to give you an answer.

www.baseball-reference.com, go there and quit being lazy.

As a manager, I’d classify Ron Washington as a hard-nosed, old school player’s manager.

For comparison sake though, I think he’s a lot like Jim Leyland. They’re both thin, and wear glasses. I don't know if Wash smokes, but he has a toothpick, which at worst is comparable.

Q: I have two questions, first why did the Rangers trade John Danks for Brandon McCarthy. I would have offered Thomas Diamond or Edinson Volquez. I just don't understand trading off your best prospect and hanging on to a guy that is going to start out in A ball this year (Volquez).
Secondly, in regards to pitchers Omar Beltre and Alexi Ogando who are stranded in the Dominican again because of "marriage gate", will they ever be eligible to play for the Rangers organization in the States? And if so, are they worth waiting for?
David, Abilene

David - I would have offered the White Sox some combination of Michael Schlact, Nate Gold and Drew Meyer.

But much like your offer, it wouldn’t have gotten the deal done.

The White Sox organization wouldn’t take a guy who’s going to start out in A-Ball this year instead of their best prospect.

You’re like the guy in my fantasy league who offered me Morgan Ensberg and Justin Durcheschersherserer for Jeremy Bonderman.

Just because it’s who YOU want to give, it’s not who THEY want to get. Ken Williams wouldn’t have taken either of those two, or both, for Brandon McCarthy.

The Rangers made the internal decision that they were willing to pay the price to get a young arm in McCarthy who they felt was better prepared to pitch 170 innings in the majors.

For asking such a stupid question, and being THAT guy in every fantasy league, I’m punishing you by ignoring the other part of your question, even though I have the definitive answer on both. Eat it, Dave.

Q: If Frank Francisco and Wes Littleton have returned to form (based upon early results), how long can/will the Rangers leave them in Oklahoma, and who gets traded/sent out to make room for them?
Andrew Roberts

Their form is only a portion of what determines their return to the majors. A guy already on the 25-man roster who’s performing is going to be allowed to keep going, and going, and going until he shows that it was a bad choice.

So they can stay down there until the end of the season (think Travis Hafner) as long as the guys are performing above them.

However, you have to expect that some injuries will happen and some guys will prove to be ineffective. I think the most likely candidates to NOT stay with the big club are Jamey Wright, Bruce Chen and Eric Gagne.

Thanks again for not emailing. Hopefully Bill Simmons will quit being lazy some time soon, and he'll post a mailbag I can rip off.

Some advance warning however, all Karate Kid jokes will be replaced with lines from PCU, and Jack Bauer will be revered more than Larry Bird and David Ortiz combined.

If nothing else, Mickey Spagnola alternates between stupid and intelligent questons, so I'll have an opportunity to both give insight and incite on the Dallas Cowboys soon.

Blogservations

2007-04-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

Quick thoughts on a Wednesday Morning:

-Second Baseman Ian Kinsler missed the Rangers/Red Sox contest on Saturday with what Manager Ron Washington deemed on the radio as “a bit of diarrhea.”

In a case of life imitating fart, I mean, art, the second-year player leads the team in runs.

-Trying to demonstrate that he understand what the players don’t (vis a vis the fact that they are role models) NFL commish Roger Goodell instituted a policy regulating player conduct.

In the first move under the policy, “Pac-Man” Jones has been suspended for a year by the NFL. That’s 12 months he’ll be going without a paycheck. Think he has any money socked away for a “rainy” day?

-Speaking of role models - make that roll models, Michael Waltrip recommends the Toyota Land Cruiser.

The NASCAR driver and team-owner struck a pole in his then rolled it about a mile from his home. He climbed out and went home. Police arrested him.

Waltrip said he fell asleep at the wheel. Apparently dazed, he wasn’t trying to leave the scene of an accident. He was merely looking for the infield care-center.

John Kerry's Web

2007-04-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

Lets Celebrate! Major League Baseball is coming to cable!

Oh screw that! I don't have cable.

So DirecTV is the cow for Extra Innings - something MLB was able to milk for all it's worth and get they wanted from more people.

Cable companies are the chicken - easily accessable, and had by everyone.

What about me?

I have DISH Network! I have the back bacon, the honey-baked ham, the yummy, yummy pork chop of broadcasting. I have TV Pig. I have the other sattelitte dish!

I'm still screwed, no Extra Innings for me.

Why's everyone always hating on the pig!

So c'mon DISH Net people, stand up.

Below is the text of my email to the Senators from my state, as well as the Patron Saint of Baseball Fans (or something like that) John Kerry.

You can find a listing of your senator here: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

Send the same letter, send a different one, it doesn't matter.

But do your part, like the little spider and her tricky webs with laundry detergent slogans, we have to save the Pig!

Dear Sirs:
As you are aware, Major League Baseball and a conglomeration of large cable providers agreed this week to make the Extra Innings package of out-of-market games available to subscribers of their services.

This has been heralded as a great victory for baseball fans, as presumably all will be reasonably able to subscribe to this package if so desired.

However, I hope you do not let the issue go quite so simply because it’s made headlines. If anything, the voices of leadership need to be louder now that those excluded are in a great minority.

There is still a segment of the population who subscribe to DISH Network from EchoStar Communications that is unable to receive the Extra Innings package, as well as presumably from cable companies that are not a part of the InDemand conglomerate.
Various articles on the internet list EchoStar as having 12 million subscribers.

Senator Kerry, your original statement on the matter remains true: “I am opposed to anything that deprives people of reasonable choices. In this day and age, consumers should have more choices, not fewer.”

I subscribed to DISH Network shortly before the end of the year, prior to the announcement of the originally exclusive deal. As a part of my agreement with them, I am obligated to continuously subscribe to the service for 18 months.

So my choices are be without baseball for 18 months, or pay fees on a contract I agreed to with the reasonable expectation that Extra Innings would be available to me, as it has been in the past when I was a DirecTV Subscriber.

18 Months - That’s two baseball seasons without being able to see my Texas Rangers.
Please do not make the mistake of declaring victory when millions of your constituents are still being excluded.
Major League Baseball and the cable companies crumbled under the pressure of the majority.
Your voices are needed now, more than ever, to help pressure them for the minority.

What A 'Cock

2007-04-02T05:33:00.000-07:00

There's being a football fan, and there's being a fucking moronic football fan.

Demetrius Pepper is the latter.

He shot a store clerk, and killed an old lady to go watch his brother play in the South Carolina spring game.

I guess in Jail, we'll get to see how much he REALLY supports the 'Cocks.

Or as AI might say, "Not a game...not a game. Practice game, man, practice game - how silly is that?"

Much like a running back searching for daylight, Pepper made his cuts across the South Carolina landscape. And by cuts, I mean bullet holes and skid marks from two stolen vehicles.

It started at a convinence store, where he shot the clerk to get a car. Well, the car broke down.

It may be just me, but if you are going to shoot someone over a car find one that won't break down. I'm not shooting the guy in the Pontiac Sunturd, I'm shooting the dude driving the BMW. Or atleast waiting for Kristy Swanson to come driving by in a BMW so I can kidnap her with a Butterfinger.

Then, dumbass Pepper goes and kills a 60 year old woman to steal a car from a yard where there's two cars with keys in them already.

Hey, buckethead, lesson one of car theft is LOOK FOR THE CAR WITH KEYS ALREADY IN IT.

Pepper was arrested outside of the stadium where the game was being played.

So his murderous rampage was all for naught.

The good news for Pepper is that at South Carolina, missing the spring game is enough punnishment for any crime.

Congrats Demetrius Pepper, we crown you King of the 'Cocks.

Sunday Afternoon Mascot Update

2007-03-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

Well, the mascots had a great first day, going 12 and 4.

At 75-percent accuracy, that’s enough to coast your way through high school.

But on Friday the mascots dropped a growler in the bed. A big stinky doogan. Took a Duke. Grew a tail. If we’re not being clear enough, the 8-8 record is 4 deuces. So 20-12 in Round 1.

Rather than blame the mascots, I prefer to think that I misinterpreted their role in the match ups.

For instance, the old guy from UNLV was faster than I gave him credit for. I mean, for an old guy to be called a runner - he must be pretty good at it.

I’m still baffled by the Illinois loss though. Unless the Hokie’s as a turkey-like bird should have been interpreted as an allusion to the American Revolution.

All is not lost though. Perhaps I was able to channel the mascots better as the tournament progressed, because we’ve only lost one Elite 8 team.

In contrast my regular picks fared much better. As I type this, with just 3 games remaining, I have 10 sweet 16 teams alive, and only one eliminated from the Elite 8 (Wisconsin). My real bracket has a Final 4 of Florida over UCLA, Georgetown over Texas A&M, and then Georgetown beating Florida.

For the record-

Mascots picks still alive: Gators (Final 4), Butler Bulldogs(Sweet 16), Kansas Jayhawks (Elite 8), Pitt Panthers (Sweet 16), UCLA Bruins (Final 4), Tar heels (Sweet 16), Hoyas (Elite 8), Volunteers (Elite 8), Texas A&M Aggies (Final 4).

Incorrect in Round 1: Arizona Wildcats, Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish, Miami Redhawks, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Illinois Illini, Holy Cross Crusaders, Duke Blue Devils, Gonzaga Bulldogs, Marquette Golden Eagles, George Washington Coloniels, Albany Great Danes, North Texas Mean Green

Actual Picks incorrect in Round 1: Arizona, Villanova, Illinois, Marquette, Arkanasas, BYU, Albany.

Actual Picks incorrect in Round 2: Maryland, Wisconsin.

I’ll update the other games upon completion, or in the morning - whenever I feel like it.

Mascot Matchup Final Four

2007-03-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

This is the final set of matches to profile in my mascot bracket.

What started out as a joke on the radio show has turned into something that’s consumed wayyyyyyy too much time.

I should have started on Sunday night, as it were, it took me about 25 hours to complete. It’s been my sole use of leisure time this week.

Without further ado, lets get the finals up.

1 Florida Gators vs. 2 UCLA Bruins
It shouldn’t be a shock that one national semi-final we have a match up of two animals of high ferocity.

I’ve gotten some flak from people who claimed that I was gerrymandering the brackets to get them the way I want. Let me ask those people - who would win a fight between a panther and a bear? Do you have any more empirical evidence than I did?

Now we have to fight an alligator and a bear.

These are truly animals that scare the crap out of me. There’s no reason for me to be near either one of them. None.

Gators are just more unpredictable. You can’t train them because of their pea-sized brains.
Bears walk through their own tracks and on rocks to avoid being hunted. Gators just eat.

We could look at several factors:
Crunch Taters + gator tail > bear-claws
Alligator boots > Bear-skin rug
Alligator that ate Chubb’s hand > the Bear in the movie “Bear”
Rax’s Uncle Alligator > Shoney’s Bear

But the ultimate deciding factor takes us to the history of the mascot.
See, UCLA was originally the Cubs. But the students decided that was too sissified. So they became the Grizzly’s.

Then UCLA joined the Pac-10 and wanted to use it, but Montana said no. Making them the first to lose to Montana in anything.

So then the hippies at Berkley - who used both Bears and Bruins as mascots gave up the Bruins. So not only were they owned by Montana, they got help from Berkley.

The Gator name was taken when a dude wanted to sell some stuff in his store.

And we all know that capitalism > socialism. Otherwise we’d be in Canada.

Gators win.

#4 Texas Longhorns vs. #3 Texas A&M Aggies
This one is simple.

Cows are here to be hamburgers, steaks and bolo-ties.

And farmer makes them that way.

We used the colloquialism “owned” in the last match, but in this one, it’s a literal one.

Aggies ride around on cows in Rodeos. They chop their balls off when they’ve become pointless.

Don’t forget branding either.

Aggies in a romp.

And in the National Final:

1 Florida Gators vs. 3 Texas A&M Aggies
It’s been a long hard road to get here.

Since we started this with the intention of having the match ups decided strictly on “who would win in a fight” and kind of strayed somewhat to make the arguments compelling and hopefully entertaining.

But for the final we’re going back to the roots.

I know that some people will point to the gator farms in south Florida with their wrestling. Some will point to Skinner from the WWF.

Keep in mind though, Aggies like to go Gigging. You don’t gig a gator. A gator gigs you.

Why are gators so ornery? Because, they got all those teeth and no tooth brush.

One-on-one in a fight, my money is on the gator every time.

Your National Champions - based on mascots - The Florida Gators.

Final 4

2007-03-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

We made it all the way to the end. This took way too much time.

1 Florida Gators vs 2 UCLA Bruins - Gators Advance
4 Texas Longhorns vs 3 Texas A&M Aggies - Aggies Advance

National Final: Gators over A&M

The breakdown is coming later today, as is my control bracket using my actual picks to win.

South Regional

2007-03-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

One more, then the Final 4. Note: the Final 4 breakdown will come later today, but I’ll post the results early.

9 Xavier Musketeers vs 5 Tennessee Volunteers
Greater than, less than or equal to.

Coonskin Cap > the Cowboy-lookin’ hat with the one side up
Rifle > Musket

OK, that wasn’t very in-depth, but other than the dude on the Princess Bride, I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of musketeer knowledge.

3 Texas A&M Aggies vs 7 Nevada Wolfpack
The Aggies like to say, “Gig ‘em” which is a reference to frog hunting.

You go out at night, drink beer, and stab them with a spear.

But they say this about Longhorns, Owls, and every other type of animal.

If they aren’t afraid to stab those animals in the head with a spear you gotta think they won’t back up from some wolves.

And I think wolves are afraid of fire.

Aggies Advance

5 Tennessee Volunteers vs 3 Texas A&M Aggies
The term Volunteer goes back to one of the wars back in the day, but Tennessee had lots of farms.

Lets let Alabama determine this, not the Crimson Tide, but the country group, from "Song of the South."

Well momma got sick and daddy got down.
The county got the farm and they moved to town.
Pappa got a job with the TVA,
He bought a washing machine and then a Chevrolet.

So now we see that Tennessee gave up farming around the New Deal, meanwhile they were able to continue on out in Texas, being self-sufficient.

A&M is our second representative from the Lonestar State in the Final Four.

East Regionals

2007-03-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Halfway home in the Regionals.

On to the East.

1 UNC Tarheels vs 4 Texas Longhorns

We haven’t had a food fight in the mascot match up yet.

This might be the last chance we get, and it’s pretty simple.

I always called the end of a loaf of bread the “butt” or “butt-crust” but I always got yelled at and told it was called the heel.

Either way, if you got sent to school and you’re sandwich had the butt bread making up half of it, it was obvious SOMEONE didn’t go to the grocery store.

Still to this day, the butt bread goes to the dog to eat. I won’t touch it.

But in pastries, we have both Long Johns – which are simply the most awesome doughnuts, and Creme Horns – which could be better, but still are well above the Heel of the bread.

As Homer Simpson would say: mmmmmmmm donuuuuuutttssss

11 George Washington vs 2 Georgetown Hoyas
Another match up of George. Hoya Paranoia reminds me of the episode at the Alex Theater, where people keep calling George paranoid for constantly blaming Lloyd Braun and Ruthie.
Not George’s best work.

But in the end, he had the bill with a .... PRESIDENT.... in his wallet the whole time.
So while he was paranoid – he still had the money.

I don’t know what this means, other than even when you get a Technicolor Dreamcoat from the institute, it’s still Lloyd Braun’s fault.

Georgetown wins.

4 Texas Longhorns Vs 2 Georgetown Hoyas
OK, let’s see if we can work food in here one more time into this region.
Longhorns are used for steak. Georgetown is in Washington D.C. where they like to have pork barrel stuff.

I’m not politically inclined, but I do know that it’s generally considered bad.

Texas to the final 4.

West Regional

2007-03-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

We’ll take Horace Greely’s advice and go west.

1 Kansas Jayhawks vs Holy Cross Crusaders
Turns out that Kansas got the nickname Jayhawks not from a bird, mythical bird or anything else.

They are named as such because they are a bunch of criminals. They just Jayhawked through taking what they wanted.

Criminals.

Who stands up and says “we want criminals to be our representation.” Then it gets seconded as a good idea.

The good news for Kansas is – while there’s some morals with the Crusaders, criminals traditionally have none.

The main opponents in the Crusades were Muslims occupying the holy land. And we’ve already detailed the 1.5 million deaths. We also know that Mike Tyson became Muslim during his jail sentence for being a criminal.

He also became loony and beatable.

The question then is, are the Jayhawks named for these criminals pre- or post-conviction?
Since they are allowed to leave the state, you have to assume that they either haven’t been caught, or it’s a juvenile offense that’s been sealed.

Kansas shanks their way into the Regional Final to face the victor of:

3 Pitt Panthers vs 2 UCLA Bruins
Now, I don’t know much about Panthers.

I know that in middle school, our mascot was a panther, but I went to the most politically correct craptacular school in the world. We weren’t even allowed to have sports teams where you had to try out. Only ones where anyone could participate. We had track and tennis.
So there’s not really any way that we can use that as a basis.

I guess we have to make this a battle between The Pink Panther and Yogi Bear.
Tale of the tape:
Endorsements: Yogi endorsed Cornflakes, Pink Panther had insulation
Edge: Yogi

Clothing: Yogi wore a hat and a necktie-collar, Pink Panther wore nothing
Edge: Yogi

Primary Adversary: Yogi had the Ranger, Pink Panther had that French/Russian dude
Edge: Pink

Side-Kick: Yogi had Boo-Boo, Pink Panther had no one.
Edge: Pink – he had enough issues with people thinking he was Mariotti based on color, didn’t need a live-in boyfriend

Inspiration: Yogi was based on Art Carney from the Honeymooners, The Pink Panther was used for the opening credits of a movie.
Edge: Yogi

Victory: Yogi

Regional Final
1 Kansas Jayhawks vs 2 UCLA Bruins
Well, there’s really only one way for this to go.

UCLA at one point used live bears as mascots. Kansas had JR Giddens.

Bears simply crush birds, of all types.

Smokey is a bear, and a nickname for cops. When we played cops and robbers the cops always won and the robbers had to eat dirt to end the game.

The Hamburglar was owned by Grimace – who’s as close to a bear as exists in playland.

Bruins in the Final 4.

Midwest Regional

2007-03-15T05:36:00.000-07:00

It’s down to crunch time in the mascot match up bracket.

Here’s your regionals starting in San Antone with the Midwest.

1 Florida Gators vs. 5 Butler Bulldogs
Want to guess how many results you get on Google if you search for “Alligator eats Dog?” 200? No. 2,000? Not Close. 20,000 still isn’t in the same ballpark.

796,000 results.

SEVEN HUNDRED AND NINETY SIX THOUSAND.

Sorry, even I can’t find any reason to eliminate the Gators.

6 Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish vs. 10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
I don’t think a bee will explode if fed rice. In fact, I don’t think they could even eat any rice.

Besides the Cheerios Bee is probably too smart to fall for any cereal-related tricks.

And he’d put a giant eye-swole on that Leprechaun with his stinger.

But lest we forget, that Georgia Tech is also known as the Ramblin' Wreck. A choo-choo if you will.

Well, when they were building the transcontinental railroad in this country, it was primarily done using Chinese and Irish labor.

The work was done for sub-standard pay. So I guess you could say that the railroad got over on the Irish using indentured servitude.

But no – the reality is my people suckered the railroad bosses by doing substandard work that they had to go back and fix.

Suckers.

That leaves us with a regional final of:

1 Florida Gators vs. 6 Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish
I’ve heard that the only way to kill a leprechaun is by making him eat a four-leaf clover.

At least, I think that’s what it was. I just fast-forwarded to the parts of the movie where Jennifer Anniston was jumping around.

Perhaps I just don’t know enough about the movie to apply it to the match up.

As an Irish-descended person myself, I’ve had some experience with gators.

As a kid we had used to go fishing at a lake where Gators were relocated. My dad used to try and hit the gators that were sunning themselves on the shore of the lake with his cast. And my mom would chew his ass out for it, and make him move the boat away from the gator.

If my dad had to move his fishin’ spot, you can consider that a victory for the Gator species.

Florida is in the Final 4.

South Region - Second Round

2007-03-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

East Region - Second Round

2007-03-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

West Region - Second Round

2007-03-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

West Region - First Round

2007-03-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's the same in every office. Every year, some chick wins the bracket contest by picking alphabetically, or by famous alumni. Something stupid, that has no basis in which basketball team is actually better.

Well, men can play this game too. I'm breaking down every game of the tournament filling out our bracket by the old standby - "Who'd win in a Fight."

Now that Niagara has gotten off the short bus and onto a regular bus (Side note: The short bus was air conditioned - think the short bus people sat on there and made fun of us regular bus for roasting our asses off?) we can do the Western Region.

1 Kansas Jayhawks vs. 16 Niagara Purple Eagles
No one outside Tallahassee and the waterfall were more concerned about the play-in - opening round - as I was. I had no way that a Jayhawk could defeat a rattlesnake. But the Purple Eagles? That’s a different story.

A regular Eagle would be able to take a Jayhawk, I’m pretty sure.

However the Purple Eagles are like the street toughs who liked armoires on Seinfeld. The difference is the Jayhawks aren’t going to run away, or wear the ribbon. They’re going to fight.

Jayhawks advance.

8 Kentucky Wildcats vs. 9 Villanova Wildcats
I really, really hate Wildcats. The only difference I can tell in this match is that we have some country wildcats and some city wildcats.

Hollywood has been very clear on this. City-fied folk don’t fare too well when they go out into the country. While country folk may not fit in in the big city, they have a way of pushing their way of life on to people and becoming successful.

But Villanova is from Philly - that’s a different type of tough. A Godless, don’t-fear-death-because-anything-is-better-than-this-hell-hole tough.

Had their mascot had any of the traditional signatures of a Philly - droopy eyes, semi-automatic weapons, etc., they’d have had a chance.

Even a city gangster wildcat, but alas their wildcat doesn't even have any bling, and I'm sure he ain't rollin on 22s.

As it is, Kentucky advances.

5 Virginia Tech vs. 12 Illinois Illini
It’s fake tourney Thanksgiving.

The Hokie Bird from Virginia Tech is apparently a turkey-like creature. While Illinois recently deposed their chief - the white kid dressed up as Illiniwek. But we’ll have him in this match up.

Basically it’s tofurkey against tofindian.

The question isn’t do the Illini advance, it’s how do they prepare the feast of the Hokie Bird.

Well, that, and do they carry their case of non-food poisoning into their second round match up against the winner of:

4 Southern Illinois Salukis vs. 13 Holy Cross Crusaders
Now, the Salukis are the team this year that radio hacks everywhere are talking about.

Not the mid-major-ness of the team, but rather “What is a Saluki anyway?”

I guarantee there’s at least 25 people in this country who are now the owners of a radio station shirt because they were able to guess that it’s a dog.

A Saluki doesn’t appear particularly vicious, and since holy warriors in the Crusades managed to kill 1.5 million people I’m going to assume they can take out a floppy-eared dog.

6 Duke Blue Devils vs. 11 Virginia Commonwealth Rams
Duke is obviously Blue because they are sad. Or perhaps it’s just because they’ve been having trouble finding gals to come on to campus in the last year.

If it’s the latter - we’re all in trouble, starting with the male sheep from VCU.

Rather than think any more about this, we’re going to declare Duke the victors on the basis that they must have some sort of super-natural powers of smite.

3 Pittsburgh Panthers vs. 14 Wright State Raiders
In this match up, we refer to Wright State as the Raiders in the loosest terms possible. Considering that their University looked at the nature of a raider and decided that they needed something more gender-neutral.

So it’s the Wright State Whooping Cranes. Oops, I mean the Wright State wolf-like dogs.

A classic dog versus cat match. Near classic anyway.

Wright State’s only chance in this match up would be if they were able to be Wolf-like Raiders. Can you imagine how vicious a mascot they would be if they were dogs who’d go on boats and carried swords whilst pillaging and plundering?

That’d be awesome.

But it’s not to be, since they still go by “Raiders” despite the logo change.

I think that makes them Tofaiders.

Pitt advances to the second round.

7 Indiana Hoosiers vs. 10 Gonzaga Bulldogs
One of the negative side-effects of this bracket is that I’ve actually had to learn something about these mascots. I wasn’t trying to become informed.

So now I know 12 or 13 different potential meanings for Hoosier, most of which are completely stupid and asinine. One of the more widely-distributed theories is that it’s derived from a word often used back in the days as a substitute for “Cracker.” I was unaware of the offensiveness of being called cracker until I got informed.

I thought it was just a color-based thing doing with saltines, but apparently it goes on to imply that people are uneducated and poor.

So as a white dude, I can say that cracker is hostile and offensive, and must be changed.

Gonzaga also calls themselves the “Zags” which is apparently short for “Zig-Zag Rolling Papers” because they like the drugs.

I don’t know how to properly accuse Hoosiers of being pot heads. Just pretend I did, and the Gonzaga rolling papers make them all listless, lazy and stupid.

Or I guess it makes them crackers.

2 University of California- Los Angeles Bruins vs. 15 Weber St. Wildcats
Our third Wildcat of the region!

Honestly, couldn’t the selection committee take items like mascot redundancy into consideration when deciding at large bids and then seeding them?

Fortunately, Weber St. is very accommodating when it comes to my disdain for Wildcats, since they decided in the late 70s it was a good idea to replace their traditional mascot - Waldo the Wildcat with a new mascot all together.

Screw tradition they said, Waldo’s out, Primo Peacock is in.

It lasted an entire year. Well, one year plus one NCAA Tournament.

Bruins over Peacocks - and we’re out of the first round. .

Midwest Region - Second Round

2007-03-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

South Region - First Round

2007-03-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

It's the same in every office. Every year, some chick wins the bracket contest by picking alphabetically, or by famous alumni. Something stupid, that has no basis in which basketball team is actually better.

Well, men can play this game too. I'm breaking down every game of the tournament filling out our bracket by the old standby - "Who'd win in a Fight."

Time now for the third region - the East.

1 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. 16 Central Connecticut State Blue Devils
Hey, lucky us, after getting three Eagles in the last region, us fans are now fortunate enough to see two trees square off for supremacy here in the South. The top seeds are first.

Now why are the Devils from CCSU blue? It’s tough to say, one can presume that it’s because of a weakened state caused by eating a piece of three-course dinner gum. The blueberry pie, she remains unstable.

This is the only circumstance I can think of which would cause a person to turn blue, even a devil. We must assume that to go from the natural red state of the devil, to blue it must be rather sick.

Thereby, making consumption even a more precarious effort for the Blue Devils. The Buckeye actually contains amounts of tannic acid considered poisonous to both humans and livestock. One must presume that a Blue Devil falls to the same fate.

At the very least, they’d fall victim to gut rot, which can be very distressing.

In a mascot upset, the top-seeded Buckeyes move on, but their Cinderella story as a plant can’t go much further.

8 Brigham Young Cougars vs. 9 Xavier Musketeers
History has treated Musketeers of all types very kindly. From books, to movies, even candy bars. Named for their weapons of choice, Musketeers had a place in Sweeden, France and several Asian countries.

Since Xavier is a Jesuit university, the nickname is probably derived from the musketeers organized to protect Cardinal Richeliu in the 1600s.
But we’ve already shown a disdain for mascots that represent something from another country.

In US History, the “Three Musketeers” was a nickname for three New Deal-era Supreme Court Justices.

We’ve also shown disdain for repeated use of the same mascot, and have looked for ways to change said mascot. Since we’ve already had a cougar out east, we’ll use the university’s namesake.

So a mormon vs. the Supreme Court of the United States.

This isn’t a match up without precident. In 1879 Reynolds vs. the United States was decided by the Supreme Court, and ruled that polygamy is illegal. The Supreme Court has since reaffirmed that belief on multiple occasions.

My seer stone says BYU's politeness can't get them out of this defeat.

5 Tennessee Volunteers vs. 12 Long Beach State 49ers
This one is rather simple actually. A volunteer is by definition someone who gives a service for no payment.

But a 49er is nickname bestowed upon people who participated in the gold rush of 1849.

‘Tis better to give than to receive the old saying goes.

A Tennessee Volunteer is equipped with a rifle, a 49er with a pick ax and a spaghetti strainer.

Bonus: Coonskin cap > Indiana Jones hat on anyone not named Indiana Jones.

4 Virginia Cavaliers vs. 13 Albany Great Danes
At first, this looked like an easy match. I had previously mentioned having a dog, and Dr. Johnny Fever is a great dane. While he’s good at doing things like rolling over, and eating any people food dropped on the floor, he’s not too terribly good at being a watch dog.

In fact, he sucks at it.

Virginia students also like to call themselves Wahoos. Most people think of Wahoo as the mascot of the Cleveland Indians, but anyone that lives near the Gulf of Mexico knows a Wahoo is a fish.

Dr. Johnny Fever hates the water. He wouldn’t be able to catch a fish under any circumstance.

So it looks like the Cavaliers are en route to a victory of romping proportions.

But during research for the match, it was discovered that the Cavs were represented by a pair of dogs beginning in the 1920s.

The first dog, named Beta, was a mongrel who was hit by a car in the days when cars had bicycle tires, traveled on dirt roads, and generally went about 6 miles per hour.

The second, Seal, is described as a “Cross-eyed black mongrel mutt.”

Now my dog may not be Marmaduke, he could sure kick the hell out of a cross-eyed mongrel.

Especially when you consider that the entire breed is chipping in to defeat the Cavaliers, so he’ll get some snacks from Scooby-Doo and Ron Artest’s dog surely learned a few dirty tricks.

6 Louisville Cardinals vs. 11 Stanford Cardinal
My disdain for the nickname “Cardinal” knows no bounds. They’re a color, and the band said “Hey, lets dress up someone like a tree.”

I don’t even feel that it’s worthy of penning a story of the match. Suffice it to say that Louisville will make a nest in the sissified tree mascot, and probably poop on it too.

3 Texas A&M Aggies vs. 14 Pennsylvania Quakers
Some will tell you that if someone is “quaking” from fear the name is derived from middle English. Others will say it’s because they’re shaking like the ground in an earthquake.

I say it’s because the Quakers are all a bunch of pansies. “Oh, no violence, we don’t want to fight!” Shut up, you couldn’t even be Amish right, and all you have to do for that is NOTHING.

Hell, they could be right and it comes from something else. What the hell do we know about the etymology of words, we’re talking mascots man, mascots.

See, Quakers are opposed to violence. This religious group is also known as the “Society of Friends.”

Meanwhile, Texas A&M likes to sets it on fire.

The Aggies make instant oats out of Penn. Ivy League, pfft.

7 Nevada Wolfpack vs. 10 Creighton Blue Jays
Finally, a school that changed its nickname not because of a drunken student, or pressure from special interest groups. No, in the 1920’s, they changed it because there were too many other schools using Hilltoppers.

I applaud this.

The Blue Jay isn’t some pansy bird either. While it’s not a falcon or condor or pteradactyl - Anyone who’s ever happened across a blue jay nest because they needed eggs to throw at someone’s house and were unable to get the standard chicken variety because their mother kept count in the refridgerator knows they can mess you up pretty good.

And by pretty good, we mean they’ll peck the living crap out of your head.
However, when’s the last time you saw a dog climb a tree for some escar-Blue Jay?

Doesn’t happen.

Fazekas!

2 Memphis Tigers vs. 15 North Texas Mean Green
I had an unofficial rule about our mascot bracket. I didn’t want to use other athletes, or teams when it comes to referring to the mascots. (IE the San Francisco 49ers couldn’t be used in an argument for Long Beach St.)

But all rules aren’t hard-and-fast. Seems that the Mean Green actually get their name from Joe Greene. Many of us remember him simply as the dude in the Coke commercial.

Remember though, that he was in there only because he was a badass to begin with. I mean, after a game no one makes Peyton Manning smile by offering him some Coke. He’s already smiling because he has a slight mental defect.

If you offered Michael Irvin some Co…. no, its not even worth it.

We’ve had Brigham Young and Oral Roberts - but they started the school and named it after themselves. That’s not badass. Kicking the crap out of people to the point where the entire school takes on your nickname?

Badass.

The other rule I had is that there had to be a legitimate reason to have one team advance - like the Blue Devils being poisioned. I don’t have one for this match up.

I just don’t want Joe Greene whooping my ass. He’ll find a way past the Tigers.

East Region - First Round

2007-03-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

It's the same in every office. Every year, some chick wins the bracket contest by picking alphabetically, or by famous alumni. Something stupid, that has no basis in which basketball team is actually better.

Well, men can play this game too. I'm breaking down every game of the tournament filling out our bracket by the old standby - "Who'd win in a Fight."

All the matchups broken down by who would win a fight between the two mascots.

We started with the Midwest First Round now time for the east.

1 North Carolina Tarheels vs 16 Eastern Kentucky Colonels
What is a Tarheel? I don’t know. Hell, North Carolina doesn’t know. They believe it’s a name derived from the early days of the country when the state made a bunch of tar and feathers, or something. They built houses or boats with it.

Granted, that’s kind of out-dated, and I don’t know how to make a foot fight. Updated for modern times, with a sense of history. The Tarheels will be represented by a cigarette. The Surgeon General himself says it has tar in it, and all Tobacco is grown in North Carolina.

So another old dude against a pack of Pall Mall (or Lucky Strike – who cares). He’s bound to end up getting cancer, or save that, he’ll atleast look like Kramer when he turned his apartment into a smokers lounge. Big Tobbacco finally wins one. It’s been a while.

8 Marquette Golden Eagles vs. 9 Michigan State Spartans
Another group with a mascot changed because it’s offensive. Marquette was the Warriors, and then considered using the same lame idea as Harvard of the West Coast. They were almost the Marquette Blue and Gold. Couldn’t even decide on one color - they had to coordinate.

Prior to being the Warriors, Marquette was the Hilltoppers. The only modern application of a hilltopper is the person using a temporary bodily refuse pit when it reaches capacity.

Meanwhile, Spartan has been a slur for both minimalists, and John Amechi-types. Oh, and it is a group of warriors from ancient Greece, but you knew that.

Doesn’t matter which of the three you prefer, but I’m going to assume that none of the three would be able to focus on the battle at hand when a group of stinkbutts is coming after them.

Marquette gets into the second round after Michigan State goes all Caddy Shack when there's "doody" in the pool.

5 USC Trojans vs. 12 Arkansas Razorbacks
What is this? The Greek region?

It isn’t much of a match. I don’t care how wild of a boar the Razorbacks are, Eric Bana would have it roasting with an apple in its mouth in under 10 minutes.

4 Texas Longhorns vs. 13 New Mexico State Aggies
Now, normally, you’d think a farmer could take out a bull. But these aren’t any regular Aggies. No, these are victims-of-political-correctness Aggies. See, their mascot Pistol Pete was determined to be a bad influence, encouraging people to grow handlebar mustaches. Wait, I mean, encouraging gunfights.

Obviously.

So in 2005, Pete had his pistol taken away and was given a lasso. A LASSO! Just like Wonder Woman, Pete carries a lasso and doesn’t have any balls.

This ain’t calf roping, this is division one basketball! If you can’t bring your six shooter, a piece of rope ain’t going to kill a bull.

Lasso Larry is going to be fertilizer soon.

6 Vanderbilt Commodores vs. 11 George Washington Colonials
Why does a university in a land-locked state take its mascot from a ranking in the Navy? To steal from the Geico radio commercial with the biker dude, that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Then again, a Colonial is someone who lives in a colony. The school is in Washington D.C., despite the fact that it wasn’t recognized as a city until after the Revolutionary War, when there were no more colonies. More mascot stupidity.

I can’t even imagine a fight between these two brain-dead mascots, so we’ll use the Commodore 64 against a log of Swiss Colony summer sausage.

That sausage is the most vile crap known to man. It’s not fit for consumption. Weighing in at approximately 9 pounds per chunk, it is roughly equivalent in size to something you’d find in Pokey’s nightstand.

You could beat the beeping crap out of a C64 with that log of fatty meat product.

3 Washington State Cougars vs. 14 Oral Roberts Golden Eagles
Another Golden Eagles? C’mon.

Nope. I’m using the school’s namesake. Because really, a televangelist false idol versus a cougar would sell some pay per view, or at least give FOX something to put in the slot originally scheduled for Kobe’s tell-all special “If I Hit It, Here’s How it Happened.”

But that’s cruel and unusual punishment. Even I can’t subject Oral Roberts to this fate. That is, if you’ll call 1-800-555-CASH and give me $8 million.

If I’m unable to raise the money, I’ll pit Oral Roberts vs. against a 1984 Mercury Cougar driven by Ryan Leaf.

Now Leaf might not be able to hit an open receiver, but he’d sure be able to commit vehicle manslaughter.

Wazzou drives away with the victory.

7 Boston College Eagles vs. 10 Texas Tech Red Raiders
Eagles may be an endangers species, but they aren’t something in short supply around the NCAA Tournament.

Now we could have the bird fight these Red Raiders, who are presumably suffering from some type of skin condition, or chicken pox, or simply went to see Tor Eckman after deciding that traditional medicine was a scam because they want repeat business.

Without and accurate injury report, I’m hesitant to have the Red Raiders engage in this battle.

So we’ll use the symbolic nature of the mascots. The Eagle - stately, American, balding. The Reds - Commies who were crushed by America without us using any force.

We so own Russia, and anything red.

At the end of this fight, Texas Tech will be waiting in line for toilet paper, or preparing to invade Tokyo. Either way, they’re going home.

2 Georgetown Hoyas vs. 3 Belmont Bruins
Generally drawn as some type of bulldog, Hoya really has no exact definition. Which kind of screws me.

They were the Hilltoppers at one point in history, but I’m out of skid mark jokes already.

I’ll actually go with the official school reasoning, since there aren’t 12 other Hoyas in the tournament.

They say it came from a cheer translated to mean “What Rocks.” So rocks against a bear. I honestly have no idea how you kill a rock, but I know how to kill with a rock.

We just need someone to use the rocks as a weapon. Hmm, do you smell what the blog is cooking?

The Rock, armed with rocks against a bear.

In a match so volatile, there’s only one thing to do. Put it inside a steel cage.

If there’s one thing I learned from watching Yogi, it’s that bears become melancholy when locked up, captive in cages. So its will to fight back will be broken, before it falls to The Peoples Elbow.

Told you I was going to get a wrestler in this match!

Belmont can pancake it’s ass on out of the tournament.

To Poke or not to poke, that is the question

2007-03-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

Pokey’s unfortunate circumstance got me thinking what exactly is an inappropriate relationship with a player.

Without knowing exactly what took place (though I can guess with a name like Pokey – she was probably the man in the relationship), I decided to put together a general guide for appropriate and inappropriate behavior for women basketball coaches.

Appropriate - Saying you admire Pat Summitt.

Inappropriate - Saying you admire a player’s "peaks."

Appropriate - Patting a player on the backside.

Inappropriate - Getting your forward smack your backside while you dress up as a French maid.

Appropriate - Preaching the virtues of the fullcourt press.

Inappropriate - Pressing up against a player in the food court and calling her “Cinnabon.”

Appropriate - Recruiting with text messages.

Inappropriate - Using the “Mark Foley Method” for said text messages.

Appropriate – Encouraging players to practice free throws.

Inappropriate – Practicing as a free ho.

Appropriate – Campaigning for players to have the right to a college life.

Inappropriate – Campaigning for your right to have a wife.

Appropriate – Telling players to hit the showers.

Inappropriate – Telling players you like golden showers.

Appropriate - Cutting down the nets after a big win.

Inappropriate - Stripping into your fishnets in the locker room after a big win.

Appropriate - Screaming at the refs for not awarding a tipped ball on a tie-up.

Inappropriate - Wait, this is about women coaches, my bad.

If you are an aspiring woman’s basketball coach, I’d advise printing this out and putting it in the pocket of your flannel shirt.

Midwest Region - First Round

2007-03-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

It's the same in every office. Every year, some chick wins the bracket contest by picking alphabetically, or by famous alumni. Something stupid, that has no basis in which basketball team is actually better.

Well, men can play this game too. I'm breaking down every game of the tournament filling out our bracket by the old standby - "Who'd win in a Fight."

All the matchups broken down by who would win a fight between the two mascots.

We start with the Midwest

1 Florida Gators vs 16 Jackson State Tigers
This is a tough match up to call right off the bat. We have two vicious members of the Animal Kingdom. The Gator and the Tiger.

I know what you are thinking, there’s no tiger farms where you can go wrestle a tiger, so the tiger has to be able to win this battle.

However, that can be countered with the fact that there’s no gators living with a couple of alternative lifestyle gentlemen in Las Vegas.

I’m torn. So I have to look at the location of the fight. It is in New Orleans. A city under sea level, with a ton of water. We all know that cats hate water. So while the Tiger is tepid and tremmoring at the thought of getting wet, the alligator is having Tony’s entrails for a snack and leaving the carcass to rot in the sun. Suck it, Seigfried.

Gators Advance to face the winner of:

8 Arizona Wildcats vs 9 Purdue Boilermakers
This is a match up of ambiguous mascots. I’ve referred to women as wildcats, my parents used to tell me not to feed the wild cats in the alley, and the general depiction is a badassed giant cat. It’s good though, since this tournament is compromised with 13 or 14 Wildcat mascots.

For this, we’ll stretch the match up to include a Wildcat(ter). An oilman.

A boilermaker is an alcoholic beverage, or a type of craftsman. Not since Randall Cunningham was laying tile has an athlete been accused of working. But in college, pretty much everyone can be accused of drinking. Ergo, the Boilermaker in question is a whiskey/beer concoction.

How the hell does an alcoholic beverage defeat an oil baron? It doesn’t. Well, unless a DUI Checkpoint is in place, but I'll assume that police in New Orleans have other things to worry about. 'Zona advances.

5 Butler Bulldogs vs 12 Old Dominion Monarchs
This battle of the mascots is harder than I thought. Why? Because I’ve got to come up with all these fights with unique reasoning using the same stupid mascots 85 times. The Bulldogs are one such mascot.

For Old Dominion we’re faced with another question. Is a monarch a butterfly or a member of a royal family? Well, last I checked, this is America, and the only time there was a monarchy in this country a gentleman named George Washington killed him Jack Bauer style with a set of wooden teeth. Or something like that, I’m not a history major.

So it’s a match up of a bulldog versus a butterfly. You cannot be serious. This is no match up at all.

4 Maryland Terrapins vs 13 Davidson Wildcats
Yippee, another wildcat. I hate this match up already.

But I like animals. In fact, my wife and I have both a cat, and a turtle. Our cat is wild, let me tell you. She shreds cardboard boxes to get fed, and has put claw marks in every piece of furniture we’ve ever bought. Therefore, this match up is Sophie the Cat vs Mortimus the Turtle.

The cat has been obsessed with the turtle since he came into the house. But the turtle is impervious. The turtle sits there inside the tank thinking that the cat will feed it.

So constantly faced with a threat from Sophie the wildcat, Morty is untouched. This is the mascot match up version of rope-a-dope.

Fear the turtle, Maryland moves on.

6 Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish vs 11 Winthrop Eagles

Lucky the Leprechaun has his wonderful marshmallows. Not much of a weapon when it comes to facing a vicious bird. But Lucky has a secret weapon. He’s a good friend of Snap, Crackle and Pop – The Rice Krispies.

Lucky has to know that the weakness of birds is rice, and I’m sure he and Captain Crunch have screwed with Toucan Sam more than once trying to get him to chow down.

These lessons will surely be applied in the match up against Winthrop. Notre Dame advances past Winthrop by feeding them rice and watching them explode.

3 Oregon Ducks vs 14 Miami of Ohio Redhawks

Miami used to be known as the Redskins before adopting the less-offensive nickname Redhawks in 1997.

Also considered for the new nickname was the Miamis. Had there been a match up involving the Miami of Ohio Miamis, I may have exploded like the Winthrop Eagles.

Our mascot match up makes a stand, because, well, PETA is already going to be all over my ass for forcing animals to fight to the death, and advocating the rice-caused explosion of Winthrop.

So we’re using the Redskin in this fight.

Oregon’s duck has often been depicted as Donald Duck.

While we’re willing to take on Native American groups and PETA, we know two things: First, it’s never cool to go outside without pants, second do not screw with Disney. Therefore, I'm going with just a mean-ass duck like the one that chased me around the park as a kid when I’d tease it with bread (if only I had rice!).

The Redskins would slaughter the ducks, no matter how mean-ass. Don’t worry though, none of the carcass would go to waste.

(And we really don’t want any Native American Activists mad at us. We know you were screwed. PETA though, can really kiss our ass.)

7 UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs 10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
Have you ever seen Hey Reb, UNLV’s mascot? Tark looked younger than this anti-Whipper Snapper.

Now, old guy being chased by bees can’t end well for old guy.

He’s got two options, break a hip and be stung to death. Or press his Life Alert necklace and get stung to death. He’s screwed no matter how you look at it.

Georgia Tech rambles on.

2 Wisconsin Badgers vs 15 Texas A&M – Corpus Christi Islanders.
Since I have no idea what the bloody hell an Islander is, I'm left in a bit of a pickle. They way I see it, there’s only two options.

Islander Haku from the old WWF with his tongan deathgrip could be the designated representative, but I mostly remember him as Meng.

Instead, I’ll go with Chris Simon, who’s probably the most newsworthy Islander these days. His 25 game suspension has him in a bit of a pickle, too. He’s the representative designate.

Now, Chris Simon vs a badger isn’t a fair fight, because he’d cross check the badger into submission. But to me, Gary Bettman looks a little bit like a badger. And we’ve seen that fight – Wisconsin advances.

Chris Simon is a bitch.