Mt. ESPN SUCKS

So Bill Simmons is mad that ESPN took his Mt. Rushmore idea, and turned it into this year’s “Who’s Now.” I have to imagine he’s completely pissed off at the execution, ‘cause now if they ever build any actual sports monuments as sets for Nic Cage movies it’s just going to be targeted for domestic terrorism.

Let’s look at Florida. Bobby Bowden, Dan Marino, Don Shula and… Tim Tebow.

TIM TEBOW? OK, you’re kidding me right? This is just some mistake, like when FOX said he played right tackle for Utah. Right? I mean, he’s closer to me than he is to Mt. Rushmore of sports figures who played, coached, was born in, or -in the case of a state like Idaho - peed in at a Stuckeys.

No, they’re not kidding me. Apparently, I’m kidding myself. Tim Tebow is all things to everyone. At least those disillusioned souls who put “Gator” in front of their name and claim they have a nation. But that’s another complaint, and starts with Raider fans.

So here for you, Gator Bill, Gator Laura, Gator Ted, Ted Gator, Gator Gator, Fred Gator, Lilly Gator, Gatorick, I’m going to assume that Tim is everything to every one, and just willed his way to the top of the Florida list.

Anyway, if he’s top-4 all time in Florida he should be able to beat anyone right? Here’s lists of people from Florida who, despite my much harsher standards in list-making still beat Tebow on the general list of “Florida sports figures”

Also, thank God that we’re pretty much a flat state, and have no mountains to actually carve his likeness into (of course, that’s assuming he doesn’t put a mountain on top of my house for doing this).

Mt. Rushmore for Pensacola: Emmitt Smith, Roy Jones, Jr., Derrick Brooks, Don Sutton. Tebow couldn’t make the Mt. Rushmore for the 8th largest area in the state.

Mt. Rushmore of Former Dallas Cowboys from Florida: Michael Irvin, Bob Hayes, Deion Sanders, and of course, Emmitt. Again, who is claiming Tebow is bigger than ANY of these?

Tebow’s left-handed, so could he crack the list of Mt. Rushmore for Floridians in the 10-percent of the population who are left-hand dominant? Let’s see: Steve Carlton, Chipper Jones (left-handed enough), Rafael Palmeiro, Boog Powell (see Chipper). Nope.

Hmm. What else? Oh, how ‘bout sports chicks? Chris Evert, Doris Hart, Dot Richardson, Nancy Hogshead. Yeah, he can’t even beat the CHICKS from Florida - yet he’s top 4 EVER? I’m also inclined to put Erin Andrews on this list.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on! I did it! I found a Florida-sports Mt. Rushmore for Tebow. Let me tell you the other members - see if you can guess the category. Ready? OK! Herb Score, Jim Courier, David Duval, Tim Tebow.

Give up? Sports guys from Florida who got a ton of hype, and were considered among the all-time greats after a few years only to largely be forgotten for anything other than disastrous falls from grace.

Congrats, ESPN. You’ve done it. By putting Tebow on the “Florida Mt. Rushmore,” you not only invalidated another of your stupid-ass segment killers, but you’ve proven once again you’re the Four-Letter Devil. You just did the equivalent of inducting Marilyn Manson into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame in 1999. Assholes.

How many Rushmore’s of random qualification can you come up with? Here’s an equally putrid list from SI back in 2004 to get you started (Really? Roy Jones, Jr. isn’t top FIFTY?)