Actual emails from people who know nothing about me, it’s Evan Grant’s Outside the Texas Rangers.
You’re getting the drill by now, I hope. Someone does a mailbag, I answer it for them with generally less regard for not making my fans sounds stupid since, well they’re not my fans.
The actual answers are here
Q: Was there any inkling during spring training that the bats would be this bad? No one outside of Kinsler is hitting much at all. Did anyone see this coming?
Dave Stewart
Yes, and No. The team knew there were questions with the team’s lineup. They started with Sammy Sosa, with no one able to predict what would happen once he faced real pitching looking to get him out. Brad Wilkerson and Hank Blalock were both returning from off-season surgery and in the spring there were mixed results. Nelson Cruz and Gerald Laird were also being asked to do something neither had done before.
So there were some inklings of trouble, but there have been 4 things that were harder to ID:
Kenny Lofton – Players are expected to drop off as they get older, but Kenny had avoided that. I think every expectation was that his game would translate well into what is old age for a ball player.
Michael Young – A batting champion, a good two strike hitter, and someone who’s about as unflappable as it gets as a hitter. You tell me one person who thought he’d start like he has, and I’ll tell you one person who’s obviously dopey.
Mark Teixeira – He didn’t heat up until midseason last year, but that was easy to blame on the World Baseball Classic. Every expectation was that even if he didn’t start off like he finished, he wouldn’t be the same hitter who looked uncomfortable in the box last April.
Frank Catalanotto – Dependability at the plate was his best asset. You knew you were going to get a good – not great, not bad – hitter. Or you THOUGHT you knew that.
It’s just been a worst case scenario for the lineup from top to bottom. Ron Washington’s biggest issue right now is figuring out how to work the guys in and out of the lineup so they stay fresh and don’t think too much. He’s used to slow starts though, from his time in Oakland.
Q: There was a lot of talk this spring about C.J. Wilson being a "Renaissance man." What do baseball lifers think of players who have interests outside of baseball? Do managers give more chances to guys who devote 100 percent of their energy to baseball? Is C.J. Wilson hurting his career by letting it be known that he cares about something other than God, family and baseball, the three interests players typically mention?
Lance Simmons
Every player has outside interests. Every team has entrepreneurs, hunters, and drinkers. Some stay in town, some go home. Some are single, some are family guys. Younger, older... baseball teams are generally an interesting mix of guys from across social, economic, and cultural backgrounds.
CJ’s availability to people sometimes gets him more attention than Wes Littleton’s interests. The old-school types look at him and think he’s a “lefty,” who are stereotypically considered quirky.
The locker room isn’t “Ball Four” or “North Dallas 40” any more. The way CJ helps and hurts his career is on the mound. Even if it doesn’t work out in baseball, I doubt he’s going to teach English to a bunch of dumb Army recruits though, so I don’t think he’ll ever be considered a “Renaissance Man.”
Q: Why did it take so long for the Rangers to give Kameron Loe a start? You'd think a guy who led spring training in ERA wouldn't be sent to the bullpen. When given a chance to start the other night, he obviously did pretty well.
Jason Rohde, Omaha, Neb.
As the first question addressed, spring training isn’t necessarily an indicator of future success. That’s not to say the team didn’t like Loe.
Remember that the place Loe occupies in the rotation got one start before Kam took it. So don’t look at the calendar to determine “so long.” This team has long been short on pitching, and thought they’d have more options at finding guys who could pitch if they gave Jamey Wright a shot in the rotation. One option down, Loe to go.
Long term, it could make Loe hungry to perform, or it could make him into Doug Davis – who faltered every time he thought his spot in the rotation – who didn’t find success in Texas, but since has become a viable alternative for Milwaukee and, now, Arizona.
Q: I was having a discussion with my wife about the quality start. We were basically in [agreement] that the quality start is a baloney stat. What does a quality start actually measure? Why even have it? A pitcher having a quality start does not even do any good if the team loses the game. If a pitcher has a quality start but loses 4-3, what good did it do? Another bogus stat is the hold.
Monte, Dallas
A pitcher’s record is more baloney if you are trying to draw knowledge from the numbers. How good was a pitcher that won 15 games, but gave up a ton of runs? The record is dependent on other people’s performance
Now, the term “quality” might be a little bit generous considering the performance required to get there. Six innings and three runs is an ERA of 4.50. While not bad, is it “quality?” It’s supposed to measure the performance of a pitcher in giving his team a chance to win.
What about a guy that goes 5 innings and allows no runs? He’s still forcing a manager to use the bullpen for 4 innings, which impacts games days down the road.
But baseball has not only the quality start, the hold, but six times more stats than any sport. All are designed to weigh a player’s performance to help determine value (to a team, and in dollars). Taken individually, all stats are basically baloney, to use your terms. But when you look at a pitcher’s ERA, record, ERA+, WHIP (Walks + Hits / Innings Pitched), and a myriad of other stats you hopefully have a better picture of the player.
That’s what ALL stats are for in sports – an attempt to quantify a player’s performance empirically.
Q: I was wondering if you get to listen to a lot of the opposing radio guys on your road trips and how much attention you pay to them. I think Eric Nadel is one of the greats and I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on your favorites/least favorites in the rest of MLB.
JP Heat, Lufkin, Texas
I think Ranger fans benefit from having 4 great broadcasters, and a good set of writers who report on the team.
I don’t get a chance to hear as many different broadcasters as I would like, but much like cheese curd for people in Wisconsin – they are all supposed to be regional flavors. They hope to appeal to the likes and dislikes from the fans nearest to them.
So while I can’t relate to some people, hopefully their team’s fans can.
Here’s a short list of teams who have people calling their games on TV or radio that I’ve listened to enough to like and/or relate to: Florida, Philadelphia, LA Dodgers, Milwaukee, Kansas City, Seattle, St. Louis, Minnesota.
Q: With all the attention A-Fraud is getting for his finally clutch hitting and having walk-off hits, what is the Rangers record for walk-off hits in a season? Career? Same for AL/NL.
George Trost, Grand Prairie, Texas
I need an intern to answer questions like this.
Q: I'm wondering why the Rangers don't bunt more often than they do. I cringe every time Michael Young comes to the plate and there's a runner on first. It seems he almost always knocks into a double play. I grew up as a kid watching baseball and it seems that back then the players bunted more than they do now. Just curious.
Sandra
Their lineup hasn’t been constructed with players who bunt, so that is a factor. Playing in the AL also changes that dynamic – there’s no pitchers spot so each spot in the lineup should be able to hit. That being said, giving up an out that someone who can hit could use to drive not only the base runner in, but himself, is something teams have gotten away from.
But you want to take the bat out of Young’s hands because that’s how you saw it done by your little league coach? I’m going to cringe every time that Evan takes another stupid question from you.
Michael Young drove in 89 players not wearing the number 10 on their back last year. He grounded into 27 double plays, or about once every 25 at bats. That’s one for every four hits. You have quite selective vision.
Last year’s AL batting champ Joe Mauer did it every 21 at bats, runner up Robinson Cano did it at about the same pace as Young. These guys all had 2 things in common: lots of hits, and more double plays than they wanted. But that’s the risk involved with, you know, swinging the bat and making contact.
Q: I am sure you are getting many questions about Michael Young and his lack of being Michael Young, but I would like to add one more to the mix: In your opinion what is going on? Is it his approach at the plate? I know Washington has been stressing taking walks more and Young has always been an aggressive first-pitch swinger. Could it be a mechanical problem he is trying to work out? I am just curious what your thoughts are on this.
Travis, Moody, Ala.
If I had any idea why he isn’t hitting that I could say with any authority I’d call him, not put it in a blog.
I guess my suggestion is to have him bunt more, then atleast Sandra could be happy.
It’s a number of things factoring into his start: His timing could be a tick off, he’s hitting the ball at people when he hits it hard, and now he’s probably over thinking the misses.
The Rangers gave him 80 million dollars because he’s shown not only ability, but also the ability to change when things need it. When he and Rudy figure out what’s wrong, he’ll come on strong. For your sake and mine, I hope it’s soon.
Q: The Oakland A's had a strategy in which they shifted their entire defense to the right side of the field against Teixeira. On Sunday, they continued to pitch him outside. Standard baseball knowledge would tell you that you hit a pitch where it is thrown. That said, would that not mean the A's were going against their own strategy? Is Teixeira not capable of hitting to the opposite field? In that situation, why not drop a bunt? Eric Chavez was standing to the right of where the shortstop would have been. Doesn't add up to me.
The shift is one teams have used for years against left-handed hitters. The temptation from the outside is always go the other way.
That’s because we all think of the old adage “hit ‘em where they ain’t.” Teams think that players like Teixeira will stay with the same approach when hitting, regardless of whether the infield is facing backwards, all on the left, or all on the right.
They are often right, and players will tell you that they won’t be taken out of their game.
Look at it this way: An outfield shifts and shades to play differently against several players. If the left fielder takes four steps towards center, do you then want Mark aiming for left field?
Probably not. He tried this week to beat the shift, and it didn’t work. So not only did he not hit for power, he didn’t get on base.
Now, bunting will likely get Mark on base – assuming he can execute it and not hit it where the catcher or pitcher can get it, not exactly a guarantee since he’s rarely asked to bunt. His job is to hit the ball far.
Another way to keep a team from applying the shift is for Lofton, Catalanotto and Young to get on base in front of him. That’d help with many of the problem’s he’s having.
Q: Is there an injury issue with Brandon McCarthy? His velocity appears to have been down the last two games.
Adam Morris
Ahh, you didn’t let me down. I was worried! Do you keep record of how many times he uses one of your emails? Will you send me an email?
Your question: His ego is certainly bruised, and my hopes are taking a beating. Other than that, I’m unaware of any injuries regarding McCarthy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Simmons' Chat Crap 4/24
This has taken most of my blogging time here for the last few days, but it’s long as hell.
Simmons did a “chat” the other day, I figured that was like stealing a mailbag. I’ll figure out how to do a “jump” here so that you can get most of these long ass question/answer things after a click rather than having to scroll down the main window and missing posts.
Which I hope to have more of, sometime.
Remember, these are other peoples questions, I just answer them. I don’t read the answer from the intended writer until after I’ve added my own. It's written in 2 segments - one on Saturday night, then finished up tonight. So you can tell sort of a difference in the NBA answers mostly, since the games had just started, and now we're a game or 2 in.
EDIT: No clue on the jump thing, sorry.
Steve (Toronto): Raptors fans or Vince? There's no way around it, one of these two is about to obliterate the vengeance scale as we know it. Which is it going to be?
Since I don’t watch the NBA except in June (when I can see the championship, plus the start of a shiny new season), I can’t answer this intelligently.
But Canada isn’t very vengeful. Outside of flinging poo from their police vehicles/mammals I don’t know what they’d do. However I’d guess some Jersey wore off on Vince in the last few years.
Gimme the Nets. (Also, I know the playoffs started today, but I have no idea who won if these two teams played today.)
Richard (Atlanta): Time for you to be NFL GM for a change. If you're Oakland do you take Calvin Johnson, JaMarcus Russell or trade down?
If I’m Oakland’s GM, I pick whoever Mr. Davis suggests I pick. Isn’t that how it works? Everyone agrees with him, and then we take the fall after we suck with other league-types talking about how we deserved a better situation?
Now, if I’m Al Davis, I take Russell, because I love a QB who can throw it deep. I made up my mind after watching the film (and I mean FILM) of his pro-day.
If I’m the Raiders and I have Al put into a home, I trade Moss for whatever I can get then take Johnson. He’s THAT good. Lets not forget Reggie Ball was his QB in college. That guy SUUUUUCKS, and Calvin still performed. He’ll make any QB look serviceable. Same answer if I’m the theoretical GM of a theoretical team not named the Raidahs with has that option on draft day.
Chris (Ft. Worth, Tx.): Are people crazy or what? Do you honestly think that Golden State has any hope against Dallas. Ok regular season is one thing, playoff time is another. I say mavs dispose of them in 5, not saying it wont be a close 5 games but none the less mavs finish them off fairly easily.
Yes, people are crazy. I was at the mall today since they have both gyros and Chic-Fil-A, and I saw a really hot chick being bossed around by a toothless dude in a hat Ashton Kutcher would wear. I don’t know who’s more crazy though- Her for listening to him, or the dude for not only bossing her around, but having the lack of brain cells to talk to her in the first place. Unless they were cousins, which just makes ME crazy.
Mavs Sweep (again I don’t know the outcome if these 2 have already played).
Craig (Kalamazoo, Michigan):: As a Tiger fan, how long do I have to wait untill I get to see Zumaya with the closing job?
Are you crazy? Oh, wait, wrong question. Todd Jones has been good so far, don’t screw with what is working. Besides, didn’t a new Guitar Hero come out a few weeks ago? I’d say Zumaya gets past Master of Puppets before he gets the closer job.
Robbie (Pound Ridge, NY): Since Payton won the Super Bowl are we officially going to have to change the term "the Manning face" to "the George Bush face"?
Enough with the fucking faces thing already. I think Simmons ripped this idea off from Drew in “Office Space.” Can I get a ruling on this? Karate Kid, Karate Kid, 90210, 90210, Karate Kid!
Benny (Indianapolis, IN): Do the Lakers have any chance of upsetting the Suns?
Kobe can take over a game, even five games in a row and just will the Lakers to win, but the NBA is fixed. I can’t go any further on the NBA without someone giving me an answer as to how a five-seed has home court advantage, and how a two becomes a five with a better record? FIX! FIX! It’s already determined that the Suns and Mavs will meet in the finals.
Jesse (Indianapolis, IN): So I'm curious what you're take is on A-Rod's ridiculous start to the season. Has he finally been embraced by NY and will he play like this when it really matters? Or does he revert to the same old head case we know and love.
Never underestimate the power of the contract year. But yes, he has been embraced by the Yankee fans until he does something they don’t like. How come people talk about the pressure cooker of playing in New York and put it on the Media? Isn’t it the fans? They suck, but there’s a lot of them. BFD. How is it they are considered “great fans” when they turn on you in a heart beat?
Also, check the stats idiot. Don’t listen to the media who tell you A-Rod isn’t good in the playoffs. He’s been bad in his last 3 playoff series, he was good before that - including against the Yankees. www.baseball-reference.com
Ryan (Pittsburgh): Sports Guy what are your thoughts on the Day 6 of 24? For me it's been an upgrade over the previous 2 seasons, but it is still a distant 4th behind seasons 1-3.
Day 6 has been the most bi-polar of seasons. It had the worst episode ever, and the end of the first act just kind of hit you with no build up. The family things were exciting, but then they dropped it without Jack knowing the kid is his. Kim will be uberpissed next year when she learns she has a brother Jack didn’t tell her about. You’d also think Jack would have asked if they found his Dad.
It seems this season wasn’t thought out enough. Just be glad The Ni9e got cancelled, or else we wouldn’t get the Chinese Vengance. Side note: Don’t the Chinese realize it was just a consul and he was shot by his own dude? Commie Bastards.
Plus, Jack is Jack. We’ve had far too many episodes where he wasn’t the focus. The David Palmer stories never felt forced. The Wayne Palmer ones did.
But you can’t make a determination of this season until you see how Jack handles the Chinese. It will either put this season right behind the first on the all-time list, or it will be 6th. I guess it’s like seeding in the NBA Playoffs.
Cheap Plug for www.watching24.com - best 24 site on the net.
Here’s Simmons answer that I just read: Bill Simmons: Wasted year. I'm not giving up on the show, but it's been the worst of the 6 seasons and definitely the worst-written and worst-acted. I'd like to see them do an experimental season where something crazy happens, like Jack has severe diarrhea during the entire season and it's a running theme. "I need to find a bathroom - WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS IT???????"
Bill, you are so dead to me.
Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY): Don't I look like I'm having fun?
Well, you’re all dolled up in your purple lipstick. So I guess you’re like a girl on prom night before she gets drunk.
DJ Smithers, BC: You mentioned that you are trying to take interest in the NHL playoffs. Have you managed to watch (or find) any of the games?
No, I have Dish and no Versus. Which also means no Extra Innings. Screw you, Bud, screw you.
Cameron Dallas, TX: Should I just go ahead and tell my boss I'm taking the rest of the day off and going home to watch your chat? I don't know if I can afford another 3 hour marathon chat without getting fired.
Ego-only question 1
David Stern : Mr. Simmons, come into my office, we need to talk...
What? Are you going to pitch an EOE series? Like Stump the Schwabb, special Simmons edition where it’s all Celtics questions? Seriously, who wouldn’t watch this? You’d watch this! One day when he programs ESPN8.
clipper season tix rep: SO Bill you renewing your tickets for next season?
Stu Scott has crazy-ass eyes.
Marino (Cold Spring NY): With the Yankees traveling to Boston this weekend who do you have for the series?
The Celtics! Shut up, water-head. I realized this week that on my two big fantasy teams, I’ve got Schilling and Beckett. Sucks for me to root for the Sox 2 out of every 5 days.
Chris (Staten Island, NY): I'm guessing your dream NBA lottery sequence would be to have the Celtics get the top pick but the Knicks pick (now the Bulls pick) have the second?
My dream NBA lottery sequence has Pac-Man Jones taking the winnings and makin’ it rain! I’d actually want the second pick though. I like both Oden and Durant, but I save money by picking second, and then I don’t have to make a choice and have it over my head like Sam Bowie.
Jordan (Portland, OR): Is there a new column coming out today or not? Just tell me now, because I don't want to spend the next 4 hours hitting the "refresh" button on the Sports Guys' World webpage if no good is going to come of it.
Ego-only question 2
Pat (Boston): "I believe we (the Celtics) have a playoff-caliber team right now. With no changes." Danny Ainge. Can I get a reaction on this?
They play in the East. I don’t watch basketball and know that a box of poop, toaster, and three Russians can make the playoffs every other year.
Scott (Salt Lake City, UT: All experts are picking the Rockets over the Jazz!! But they seem to forget the Jazz beat the Rockets in Houston a couple of weeks ago and the Jazz were struggling at that time!! I think everyone is downplaying how good this team can be!!
Dum-da-dum-dum-dum!!
Moo (SF): Do the Yankees fans like ARod yet, or will they always hate him no matter what he does? I think he has the worst home run celebration I have ever seen (next to Mike Schmidt's 500th hr dance). p.s. how much weight has ARod put on since last year, and has anyone questioned this yet? He looks big.
What am I the P-Man for the Yanks? I don‘t weigh him nor look at his ass relative to last year. But everyone has questioned it for the last 5 years, assuming this was to get a steroid comment going.
Morgan: (Eugene, OR): Please pass along warm 4/20 wishes to the SportsGal. When is Phish getting back together?
The dope smoker with a Phish question? Go Figure. Wasn’t the Hippie Circus in town or something for you to go buy a hemp necklace? You pot head loser. I see how YOU had time to attend this chat, since you don’t do shit for society. It’s not a holiday, it’s not a sneaky holiday, and I hope you get hit by a bus. I wish they would legalize pot just so half of these disenfranchised fucks who are all about being anti-establishment have to actually question themselves when not being apathetic to life and slacking.
Chipper (NYC): Why does E get to have the smoking hot girlfriend in Entourage? It makes no sense that his girlfriend (Emmanuelle Chriqui) makes all of Vince's girls look ordinary. Your thoughts?
Don’t watch it. But I want to. I like Jeremy Piven since PCU. But the problem is I can’t find Season 1 on DVD. Season 2 is everywhere, but I’m not starting from the middle of anything.
Justin (Boston): How come you didn't write anything about Imus? I thought that was required of Page 2 writers.
I’ve been busy this week doing 6 hours a day on the air, so I failed to live up to my promise to write something about Imus, and my promise to cut the grass.
Mike (Portland, ME): I heard somewhere that Tommy was going to be the Celtics representative at the upcoming draft lottery? Have you heard anything about this?
If you mean Tommy - the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pin ball, I think he’s represented the Celtics at the last 15 drafts.
Turdo Sandowicz, Houston: Assuming we can get past Utah in the first round, does my team have a shot against Dallas?
Turd Sandwich? If you weren’t from Houston, I’d question if that name were real.
Steve - Philly: The best part about the clip of the 85 lottery is the commish taking a big deep breath before reaching in for the envelope, like he is thinking "don't screw this up". Have you started receiving any threatening phone calls yet since you posted the link? If your columns stop any time soon, because your on "vacation" we'll know what really happened!
Ego post #3
Bill, Morristown, NJ: Does the whole Imus thing mean that we can't make fun of women's "basketball" anymore? Say it ain't so, Bill.
We’ve still got horse racing, soccer and Jai Lai. I mean, what’s the deal with a Fronton, anyway? Sounds like Funyuns for salad.
Short answer: No, it does not mean that. We just make fun of the white girls and lesbians.
Dave, Halifax, Nova Scotia: Since we don't get a column before the weekend, how about giving us some NBA predictions? ( I like a Suns Raptors final, but I'm an unabashed homer.)
A homer for what? Don’t you have to be near a team to be a homer for it? Don’t you have to be near ANYTHING to be a homer? Don’t you have to have a HOME? Hey, when the hell did Canada get the internet?
Bobby, Schaumburg, Illinois: If the Bulls get the #1 pick and get Oden. Can we declare a 2nd dynasty in beloved home town? Oh and how funny will it be if there is a dribbler down the line and A Rod tries to karate chop Dice K and Dice K just flat drops him...Yanks/Sawx....gotta love it!
A Bulls/Red Sox Fan? Bet you just LOVED the Nick Saban hiring at Alabama. I want the Celtics to get the first pick and get Oden if for no other reason than I want to see the guy who shoves it up Rick Pitino’s ass that Robert Parrish WAS walking through that door. Anyone who’s seen DC Cab can imagine along with me:
I think that would be like when Tyrone was on the car and saw the drive-in theater and spots Bruce Lee. “BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! I SEE ‘IM, I SEE ‘IM, I SEE THAT KARATE MOTHER FUCKER!
Edited out MTV question
Edited out another MTV question
Edited out a third MTV question
Shar (Great Neck, NY): Any thoughts on Hank Aaron refusing to travel when Bonds finally breaks the record? 2 thoughts on this: (a) any chance every team in the majors will agree to walk Bonds at every at bat so he doesn't break the record? (b) I heard a radio announcer this morning say that A-Rod is on pace to hit a hundred something home runs and would bet that Aaron would travel to see that. I thought it was funny.
It’s funny that someone in my vocation would still say someone is on pace for anything in baseball the first 2 months of the season. Dipsticks like that are why people rip on radio guys. It’s trite tripe. I think, however, that if anyone knows what it’s like to be a leper in baseball it would be Aaron. I don’t like Bonds any more than you do - but people hated Aaron when he broke the record because of how he looked. Now he’s doing the same thing.
John (Dallas): How do you feel about the whole Joe Crawford thing? He seemed like an ass but a good official. Didn't Bennett Salvadore deserve to get kicked out of the league more than Joe?
I think Joe Crawford had money on the games. Would it shock ANYONE if they found out the refs in the NBA were the actual thugs, taking money from organized crime to throw games? Not me.
Marc - Minneapolis: Sports Guy, I have to say, you and I seem to like the same TV shows, so I took your advise and tried to TIVO the 1st season of The Wire on BET, but I didn't get hooked...not sure if it was because of the censors or what, but it just was wasn't great for me man. What up wit that?
I don’t have a DVR, but I’m afraid if I did, I’d never do anything but watch TV. However, I could fit in 2x as many shows by skipping the commercials. However, then I wouldn’t ever be aware of things like the Hillshire Farms spot.
WHEN I SAY HILLSHIRE YOU SAY FARMS! HILLSHIRE……. HILLSHIRE.
Hey, I bet my wife would spring for the DVR just based on not hearing that.
I really don’t have one because once I have it, why should I still pay for it? I’m not paying a monthly fee for something that the dish company doesn’t give me a service for. Let me store my stuff on your servers so I don’t have to delete all the stuff, and maybe.
I’ve heard good things about the Wire though, I’d get the DVD, but HBO is too proud of their stuff.
James (RVC, NY): Who do you think is the most dangerous team for next year out of the teams who missed the playoffs this year?
Either Jacksonville or the Steelers. They’re both pretty good, and I can see the wheels falling off for all three of the AFC top seeds, because the NFL is just that damn unpredictable.
Alf (Baltimore, MD): Since we didn't get a running diary on Wrestlemania, is it safe to say that either a)you just didn't watch it or b) you were as disappointed as I was with the show??
I was rather impressed with Cena actually working a good match, and I’m glad that Kennedy is getting a push.
I hate when people screw up Kennedy’s intro though. It’s the best (only) thing on Smackdown, and every time I watch, part of the spot is for it to be interrupted. No one ever tripped the Ultimate Warrior when he was running like an idiot. WWE, I implore you, let Kennedy go to the ring first always.
Brian, ATL: Bill can we please have a video of you watching the ping pong balls in May? AT least put it on youtube b/c either way it will be hilarious
Huh?
Edit: NBA Lottery Question. Missed that, thought his first EOE venture had something to do with ping pong.
Mike (Los Angeles, CA): Have you ever know a girl as crazy as that chick from the Real World?
I can answer this MTV question, since I don’t have to know which chick he means.
But the answer is no. There’s no people as crazy as Real World chicks, because there’s nothing Real about them. I’ve dated some crazy bitches, but never any Real-World crazy bitches.
Brodie, St. Paul: Best team in the AL? Twins? Yanks? D-Rays? Thoughts.
See: Outside the Texas Rangers II
Brodie, St. Paul: Big T-wolves fan, and I have to say that for the sake of the good of the League, the Wolves CANNOT end up with one of the top two picks in the lottery. If you thought Elgin Baylor is a great Lottery Bungling Mind, wait and see how insignificant Greg Oden can become when playing on a team managed by the Great Kevin McHale.
I’ve really got no response to this. Other than to say you are not a fan. I mean, just like when people rooted for losses to get better picks, at least they were being selfish. Good of the league? Screw that, isn’t that the Ewing excuse for the Knicks?
Also, how come Todd Wright from Sporting News Radio (nee: All Night with Todd Wright) never gets credit for dubbing it “The Association” but now everyone uses it, and it’s all Todd.
Brian- Yonkers: You endorsing Mike and the M/Dog is hard to take. "Angy" Mike was all over Jason Whitlock this morning b/c JW called Imus stupid and irrelevant a few times. Otherwise love all your stuff, especially the book.
NOT ego #4. I am not a big Mike and Mad Dog guy, but give them credit for what they do. They’re the radio version of The Shield for me - I know it’s good, but I just never got into it.
Billy Knight Atlanta GA: I resent you putting Kevin ahead of me. I have worked VERY HARD to bing the most inept GM in the league. Guess I'll have to show you with this years picks.
I’ve never even heard of you.
Shahan (New York, NY): I know it's early, but with Dice-K's lack of run support already a theme, are we seeing shades of Pedro's 2003 campaign? (187 IP, 29 GS, 2.22 ERA, 3 CG, 14-4 record due to lack of runs and bullpen featuring Scott "I guess I'm the closer" Williamson)
It has been a few starts. Are you ready to send Manny down the river as well? Also, Pedro is in the first paragraph of the discussion “best pitcher of his era.” Matsuzaka has 3 starts. Give it a rest.
Edited out MTV Question.
Tom Wondra: West Bend, WI: If Phoenix gets the 4th overall pick in the NBA draft - who would you take?
Not the European white guy. I don’t know what trade the Suns made to get a lottery pick that high, but if they did I’d say Al Horford. Nash is Nash, and Amari was able to NOT get killed by the micro fracture surgery. Isn’t some foreigner their center? If so, you go Horford.
Ryan (worcester, ma): At what age do you have to stop watching reality shows that are supposed to be for teenagers? When your daughter becomes one?
Ryan, you missed the point of a Simmons. He’s able to maintain a perspective of a loser frat boy. He found his voice a decade ago, and he can’t change. It’s a catch-22.
AC/DC stayed true to their sound - and people say they all sound the same. Metallica let themselves grow as musicians and people and people bitch that they aren’t the same as they ever were.
Oh, wait, you were searching for clarification weren’t you? Uh, dude! I’m never going to stop watching MTV! Dennis Leary!
Shaun (Madison WI): Doesn't Isiah Thomas still have to attend the lottery because as of right now all the Bulls have is the option of swapping picks...what would happen if the #1 pick was the Knicks envelope?
Um, Isiah will just send the league a fax informing them that he is shutting down the lottery.
Jack (Cincinnati): Ive ready so many puff pieces on Josh Hamilton that my head is about to explode, but I am now truly excited about the Great Hambino era. Your thoughts?
It’s a great redemption story, isn’t it? Except I hope he fails.
See, I was in a fantasy league with someone who grew up in the same state as Hamilton or something, so he pretended like he was friends with Joshy. He then said Hamilton’s parents got a restraining order on me. It was awesome.
Here’s the problem with the soft-focus job they do on Hamilton. They talk about “Drugs and Other Issues” but fail to delve into the “other issues.” Because then the story isn’t so sugary sweet.
Jack (Ipswich, MA): The Suns appear very unlikely to keep their core together for luxury tax reasons. Don't you think Marion would look good in green?
I honestly have no more thoughts on the Celtics. Not one.
Joe H. (Orange, NJ): What did you think of A-Rod's HR "trot" last night? It looked to me like a tampon commercial. I'M HAPPY...I'M FREE...I'M ALIVE! Only thing missing was a sheer white robe and wild horses in a field of flowers.
Joe, those aren’t tampon commercials. Those are commercials for laundry soap. Tampon commercials are set in real life situations where the woman is in a slightly-below-the-knee black skirt in some sort of public situation like a subway or elevator. Jeez, today’s youth.
Matt (Washington DC): Isn't that the whole point of a luxury tax or a salary cap? To keep a team from stockpiling an abnormal amount of assets? Why is it so good in the NFL that teams can't keep great teams together and so terrible in the NBA?
This is in response to the answer from two questions ago that Simmons gave. The point is so they don’t spend outrageously more on that talent. And the reason it’s good in the NFL is that it keeps the point spreads low so that the people who can’t get enjoyment out of a game with no money involved can bet on more games and have more interest.
Kristen (Boulder, CO): Any guesses as to what ABC's NBA playoff/championship theme song will be this year? Will it actually be from this decade?
I think something by Fallout Boy is a possibility. I don’t know anything by Fallout Boy, but the dude on the Verizon commercial said it got him pumped. That’s the goal. I think. Is there anything more apt though than a white guy singing a super white-guy song for the NBA? I’m hoping for Brooks and Dunn or maybe George Strait.
I know I DON’T want it to be Explosions in the Sky. People love them, but it’s incredibly boring music.
I’d have a better guess is if I hadn’t pretty much given up on new music about 5 years ago.
Dave (NJ): Are you a fan of the UFC? Now that ESPN is actually covering the sport, I assume you can answer a question on it.
I used to watch UFC when it first started, and it was all about winning on that night - going through several rounds.
At some point, I lost interest. I wonder why. It seems to have gotten better and is still based on the simple idea of one guy kicking the hell out of another guy - something I can support. I wish I hadn’t fallen off the boat on this.
**Edited out theme-song discussion**
J.Satts, Denver: I know I'm a homer, but am I the only one who thinks the Nugs have a shot here? AI will prove his worth in the playoffs. Parker can't check him. Talk to me, Goose...
I don’t know what’s worse. The Top Gun reference, or me recognizing it as a Top Gun reference. I think you are pretty much the only one though, sorry.
Brett the Beaver (East Meadow, NY): Bill! Will you finally watch Friday Night Lights?
I watched this at the beginning, but the football was forced, the drama was too television and, yeah, the music from Explosions in the Sky bored me.
Jericho is a much better choice on Wednesday nights. I’m looking forward to Heroes being back. I just hope that next year NBC chooses not to put it next to 24 with about 8 weeks of hiatus on it. How is it that FOX is the only network that can figure out the proper way to run a serialized show is consecutively?
Jeremy (Dallas, TX): So, after the worst NBA regular season in recent history do you think that the playoffs will live up to last years (the best NBA playoffs I've seen in my lifetime) - I'm hoping to end with a rematch of last years finals with Dirk and the boys taking home the prize this time.. As long as Dirk and D-Wade get into a fist fight, I'd love to see a redo of David and Goliath
I’m guessing that this year the refs pick Duncan and the Spurs to screw instead of the Mavs in the finals. I have to - HAVE TO - know why in the hell Dirk lacks ANY killer instinct though? J-Ho has it…in the first quarter!
Also, I’m surprising myself with how much I know about these NBA questions.
James Whitman, MA: Bill, everyone I know seems to be jumping off the "Lost" bandwagon after the hiatus. My friend and I stuck it out and have been very happy with the second part of this season. I compare it to keeping faith in the Sox and finally getting rewarded. Mr. Eko being killed may have been the 03 ALCS, it hurt, but made us stronger. It looks to us like the writers have started to take it in the right direction and are heading towrds their own 04 ALCS and World Series. Any thoughts?
I watched the show a few times, but it seemed like a really, really long episode of the Outer Limits. Without nudity, I couldn’t watch the Outer Limits. Lost has no nudity, so I don’t watch. I guess that makes it more like the 04 NBA Finals.
Also, why does everyone who reads Simmons feel the need to force analogies into the question. I mean FORCED. To me, this is like when you were out dating that one girl who wouldn’t let you in her pants, so you’d try to get her drunk hoping it would let down the defenses on your really crappy offense. So you just kept putting up these really bad shots, and sometimes, one would get through and you’d get to 3rd base.
zoe(atl): Bill, can you rank your top 5 tv shows.
This is rather simple. I’m not going to include any shows that have an anchor, panel or can be watched in person.
Top 5 on the air: 24 (The episode with the developmentally challenged computer genius can’t outweigh 5.5 other good seasons.), Jericho (I guess this is my “Lost” - you watch to get answers that never come), Heroes (Wait, this is my “Lost”), House, and Man vs. Wild.
Honorable mention to South Park, Criminal Minds and Psyche. That’s the list of shows that I try to make it a point to watch every week. Here’s some bonus lists: Top 4 that I haven’t gotten into, but will on DVD - maybe: The Shield, The Wire, Sleeper Cell, Entourage. Top 4 that you screwed up by not watching: Vanished, Kidnapped, Studio 60, and The Black Donnellys.
And the 2 on DVD that you must purchase: The Pretender and Sports Night.
mike (Laguna Niguel, Ca): Whose your best bet for this years Tim Thomas in th playoffs, parlaying some good games into a giant unworthy contract?
This is a Simmons deal. He pointed out this phenomenon and I’m not going to steal it from him. I guess it’s not tired since it only comes around once a year. Now, the Ewing Theory…….
Alex (San Francisco, CA): Bill what happened to you and the EPL. You two broke up quicker than Nicole Richie and food.
I dunno what EPL is. But that’s another forced analogy. Watch how often they come up.
EDIT: It’s soccer. The only thing I hate more than soccer are Navigators with customized decals of a kids name inside a soccer ball. Hey, make it easier for the bad guys to gain a kids trust by telling them the name of the kid they’re trying to kidnap.
Great idea, soccer mom. (This extends to cheerleading bullhorn, baseball bat and football helmet stickers. I’d have quit if my parents did this.)
Dr. House (NJ): BLASPHEMY! How does The Office, House, and 30 Rock miss your list? The Sopranos is often too slow and boring. Despite a down year, 24 is still one of the all-time greats.
Gregory would never say BLASPHEMY. I don’t like the Office - despite the wife liking the British version. It did have some good exchanges like “Would you rather be an ass-faced weasel, or a weasel-faced ass?” For the most part though, I hate shows where people can’t get out of the way of their own stupidity. The moved 30 Rock one too many times for me to keep up with where it’s at, but I like (to look at) Tina Fey, and any show with Brian Fellow has to be decent.
Mike - Coaldale, PA: Have you ever given The Shield a chance? Great show.
I’m hoping to take a week this summer vacation, where I can do stuff like force feed myself 3 or 4 seasons of “The Commish - The Gritty Years”
Daniel (Los Angeles): Admit it: the only reason you're ticked Nikki was killed off is because she's scorchingly hot.
*shrug* Which show was this again? I’m glad this is before the Heroes return, otherwise I’d be pissed that I read a spoiler.
Nati: (Laurel, MD): No comment on the Mavs and their strange rest pattern??? Rest your guys instead of eliminating a team that swept the season series on the 2nd to last day, but don't rest them on the last day against the Sonics!? Were the Mavs scared of trying and losing?
It is a 1 vs. 8 series. You don’t let 8-seeds dictate anything to you. Besides, you stick it to those hippy coffee drinkers in Seattle any time you can for any reason.
Jason, NY: I love how "Pettite Scares you". I do the same thing with the Yanks before a Sox / Yanks series: I build up the other team so I'm not as crushed if we lose, then blow off any wins we do get with "It's not over yet, there's still ____ games to go". I'm never comfortable with a lead or a win until said team has been eliminated from playoff contention.
So is it fun dating the attainable girl and not trying to have sex since you might get her pregnant?
Eric (New York City): Where are the angry emails, those are the funniest part!
If I got email, I wouldn’t have to steal these!
M.J Vera (Las Vegas): If Oden came out and admitted he tried pot once in awhile like the football players did, and that's why he's so mellow, would that give you any second thoughts on teh Celtics potentially drafting him?
You know who is going to KILL Okoye and Johnson? Randy Moss and Warren Sapp. It wasn’t that long ago pot use got them buried in the draft. Now its not affecting draft position at all.
Marc - McWillie Ok: Any excitement at all about Mayweather/De LaHoya?
Boxing did a good job of killing itself, but UFC kicked some dirt on the grave. I don’t even watch UFC, but I know that if I want to watch ass kicking, the good ones are in UFC - so boxing is irrelevant. That said, I hope Mayweather wins.
George (Richmond, VA): I can't recall you ever commenting on "The Black Donnellys." Did you give that show a try or not?
I watch it online via NBC’s website. I think I like it since I’m Irish. Plus, the Irish boss being an ax-toting psycho named “Dokey” makes it all the better.
Dan (Amelia, OH): Hey Simmons, I'm tired of hearing about how Red Sox fans are fed-up with Coco Crisp. Andy Marte hasn't exactly been the second coming of George Brett in Cleveland. Boo-freaking-hoo.
I’m fed up with Wily Mo Pena, killing my fantasy team.
Monte (philly, pa): Favorite Mayweather? Floyd Jr, Roger or Floyd Sr? I think it's Roger handsdown. You better be watching Mayweather/De La Hoya 24-7
Floyd Sr.- Just cause he chose to name a kid “Floyd” after he knew what it meant to grow up named Floyd. I’m sure that helped him get ready for a career of fighting, though.
Curtis, Columbia: What would you do if your team drafted Josh McRoberts? I can't figure out anything that would help that pain
Yet it’s nothing like the pain of the car/motorcycle/rascal accident he’s sure to get into once he signs a guaranteed deal.
Sat (Jersey): Will Sloan get naked on Entourage?
Um. Who?
Deion Branch (Seattle): Will I be worth the Seahawks not having a first round pick next weekend?
To the Patriots - yes. To the Seahawks, no.
Greg Oden (Columbus): Will I be happy in Memphis?
Yes, you already succeeded in a football town, and you seem like you’ll get a kick out of the song Chris Vernon writes about you (The guy who wrote the Coach O song).
Chris (MI): Come on Sports Guy...I read everything you right...and I'm one of 5 Hawks fans left... They could get Oden/Durant and Conley/Law if the ping pong balls cooperate. That's exciting right?
Write.
Danny (Boston, NY): With the fourth pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the Boston Celtics select....Spencer Hawes, C from the University of Washington. Your reaction?
NO MORE CELTICS QUESTIONS!
Aaron Nashville TN: Will Kobe be passive against the Suns like he was in last years playoffs?
No. I don’t suppose. He’ll go for 50 about 3 times, but they’ll lose every one of them.
PattyO (Austin): Maximo Park or The Fratellis?
Who and who? Proximo on Gladiator helped Maximus. I bet that’s where that name came from.
Dave (Cambridge, MA): Apparently the Grizzlies are considering Boston's Chris Wallace to replace Jerry West. Would that be a good move?
Bill Clinton owned him on Fox, so I guess not.
Jared (Atlanta): Am I the only one expecting Tim Duncan to go off in the playoffs like Clint Eastwood at the end of "Unforgiven" and just wipe everybody out? You know Timmaaaa's not happy about losing Game 7 at home to the Mavs last season and he's healthy again. I have a feeling that if the playoffs were "The Departed", at the end Tim Duncan's going to by Mark Wahlberg minus the plastic bodysuit.
Two forced analogies in one note. Impressive. Who’s Matt Damon in this scenario though?
My favorite past time now is seeing Chase from Nina’s last season of 24 pop up in random movies, and wondering what would happen if Jack were there to help him. So far, I’ve got The Departed and The Black Donnellys on the list.
Ben ((Charlotte)): Bill, you seem to be in to indie rock, mind if i throw a couple bands out there? Broken Social Scene, Pinback, or Minus the Bear?
Minus the Bear is interesting. As a band name. The rest sound lame.
Chip (NYC): Seriously, what does it take to get into one of your chats? I never read your book because I'm a Yankee fan and I could die in peace 9 years earlier so I can't suck up to you about it. I'm on edge here William. It's the first nice day in months and I'm stuck at work rather than looking at hot chicks in short dresses - throw me a bone!
You made my fake chat, if that’s any help?
Matt Millen (Detroit, MI): Im eyeing Calvin Johnson like a juicy steak.
The strange part about this whole Lions WR thing - most times when he took a wideout, it was the best guy left on the board. If he’s not taken first, that’ll be the case with Calvin. I think he HAS to take him, and then he can make a trade. He’ll have all the cards, as of right now people think he won’t make that move because of the PR. But once it’s done, he can let them know he is that crazy. It’ll be like the Eli pick for the Chargers.
Dallas (Carrollton, TX: You think Chikils is short, I saw Keifer in Shereveport after the Mr. Brooks filiming (new Costner/Demi Moore movie) and he was wearing super tight jeans, a jean jacket that looked like it had some studs on the sleeves and holding his girls purse or his own man bag. I've never looked at 24 the same again. Plus he's legitimately 5' 6". Costner though in person is straight out of Tin Cup. AWESOME!-
I don’t see a question in there. But OK. Yes, he’s short. I hope his bag was the green duffel that he had in Season 5, and had magically appear after Die-Hard-with-a-Vengancing Fayed. I want one.
** Edited duplicate boxing question**
AW (PHX): The worst part about living on the west coast is that when your chat is over, I will still have 4 to 5 hours to kill before happy hour. Any suggestions what to do with the time?
Ego question #4
Jonny (Summersville, WV): Did you ever check out 'Extras' on HBO? Not your cup of tea?
HBO, the Red Sox, NBA and boxing. Simmons’ fans are in tune with what’s popular.
Mike, St. Paul, MN: Speaking of,"Best Of's" DVD's. Whoever picks the best of's for the SNL DVD's needs to be fired. I bought the Phil Hartmann one and it was terrible. It didn't even have Dysfunctional Family Feud.
I want an SNL DVD with all the Brian Fellows, then all the Celebrity Jeopardy. It’s not the actor stupid, it’s the characters.
Mike (Baltimore, MD): Why do some people throwing out the first pitch wear a glove?
I’m just going to let that linger for everyone to think about. Good question, Mike.
DM, OH: we deserve every episode of larry sanders on dvd -- why o why are they releasing a greatest hits instead of season 2?
When I bought “Malcolm in the Middle” there was a coupon inside for Season 2 “coming this fall” - that was about 4 years ago.
The good news is, WKRP put it’s first season on DVD today. AWESOME.
Sridhar (TX): SA did not lose to Dallas because of the foul. They still had the last shot in regulation and they still had the overtime to win it. So please stop saying that DALLAS won because of Manu.
They weren’t as good a team. Bottom line. Neither were the Heat, unless the refs count as “Heat.”
Jason (ATL): alright simmons, whats your top 5 bands that get no love from mainstream media??
Cowboy Mouth.. Um… Cowboy Mouth… Did I say Cowboy Mouth? Check their live show if you enjoy music and it’s anywhere near you.
I have a plan one day to start a radio station that plays stuff from about “Master of Puppets” to Saliva. Just 90s rock, and I’m going to get rich doing it unless Clear Channel or Cumulus steal the idea from reading my blog.
Tim (Gainesville, FL): Sebastian Telfair just got arrested for having a gun...any thoughts?
Has Urban Meyer offered him a scholarship yet?
Adam (Frederick, MD): Went into a music trader shop last week to buy Big Red Letter Day by Buffalo Tom. They did not have it, am I old still listening to them and wanting to buy an album I lost a while back?
I think you’re old for calling it an album and buying it instead of downloading it. Sadly, I’m an old 27.
Dan (Tewksbury MA): August 16 is the 40th anniversary of Tony Conigliaro's injury. It's time to retire his number. Thoughts?
I think it’s time to retire talking about whoever the hell you are talking about.
Brian (Chicago): I credit you for the Silversun Pickups recommendation a few chats ago. Can't stop listening to it. Thanks
No sweat.
Tom (Centreville, VA): Saw Silversun Pickups live a few weeks back with Snow Patrol. They stunk. The sound system was terrible. I could understand a word. Then I get in the car after the concert and hear one of their songs. I thought :Where the hell were they tonight"? So I should buy the cd and hear it all?
Blah Blah Blah. Cowboy Mouth.
Graham (CO): Simmons, who ya got the Pats taking in the 1st round. They are doing everything right this off-season, I am just glad you guys have to come to the track in Indy this season.
Whatever they did would be called “right.” For years, they don’t sign anyone and it’s cause they don’t want to over-pay. So then they start over-paying everybody and it’s a great move cause they’re filling holes. I’m unimpressed, and think they’ll used Thomas wrong.
Carricker is a lock to be one pick if he’s there, then they’ll go with a corner on the second pick.
Joe (Norton, MA): How can South Park not be in any man's top 5 favorite shows?
The same way Peyton Manning never wins an MVP. You just expect so much it’s hard to live up to it.
Joe (Washington, DC): Mute Math is excellent, especially live. Their drummer duck tapes ear phones to his head. Check it out http://youtube.com/watch?v=K6FUDOV9Glo
Ducktape huh? I should listen to their music based solely on that info. But I won’t.
Pat (Boston): You may have not been told, but one of the worst parts of the spring this year is the Sox replacing Trupiano with 2 generic JoeBuck-esque hotshots on the radio. As the only sub-80 year old who listens to every game on the radio, these guys just don't sound right with Castiglione, they've got no connections to '04, and if the Sox ever start hitting some dingers I'm going to seriously miss the "Way Back!" call...
Sucks for you. I’m sure they’re better broadcasters than anyone in Boston, you’re just too big an idiot to realize it.
Mike (New York): How far can the Suns go this year in the playoff? Can they beat Dallas in 7?
They can beat Dallas in 4. But it won’t happen.
Mike (Baltimore, MD): Think there is any chance the Pistons have an '04 run, Chauncey is in a contract year, Closer needs a championship, Prince always plays, and they are nearly as dinged up. No one gave them a chance then either.
I think they do it just to piss off Ben Wallace. They won’t win the Finals, but they’ll get there this year as the window closes. I think the Bulls take it next year.
Rob (Houston): If Silversun Pickups opened for the Smashing Pumpkins on the Pumpkins reunion tour, how would people know when the other band came out?
When it became hard to breathe because Billy Corrigan’s head sucked out all the oxygen.
Jim, Boston Massachusetts: Hey Bill, who ya got wining the NBA finals?
Mavs.
Evan NYC: SG- Have you seen Planet Earth yet? best show on TV
No. Sounds smart. So it can’t be the best.
Stuck in Corporate Tax: Kill me, this class will never end. Sports guy, give me a link that will eat up some time.
www.deadspin.com www.sportsgonesouth.com and google.com - Cheap plugs of sites I’m hoping to get a link from.
Kristin (Denver): Where's the girl love? When's the Sports Gal Chat?
When ESPN works out the bugs in their streaming video/credit card system. See, that's meant to imply..never mind.
**Edited Sports Gal Question**
Kmart, California: Raptors - Nets: Do you think any other arena is going to get as loud and angry as the Air Canada Centre, when Prince Carter steps on the floor? The city (Toronto) is in a frenzy.
Remember back in like 90 or 91 when the NFL tried to penalize teams for their building’s being too loud? That kinda sucked.
-------------------------------------------------
There you go. I've got some blogservations that I'll have up at some point in the next couple days. I actually try to formulate those into sentences, so it could take some time.
Simmons did a “chat” the other day, I figured that was like stealing a mailbag. I’ll figure out how to do a “jump” here so that you can get most of these long ass question/answer things after a click rather than having to scroll down the main window and missing posts.
Which I hope to have more of, sometime.
Remember, these are other peoples questions, I just answer them. I don’t read the answer from the intended writer until after I’ve added my own. It's written in 2 segments - one on Saturday night, then finished up tonight. So you can tell sort of a difference in the NBA answers mostly, since the games had just started, and now we're a game or 2 in.
EDIT: No clue on the jump thing, sorry.
Steve (Toronto): Raptors fans or Vince? There's no way around it, one of these two is about to obliterate the vengeance scale as we know it. Which is it going to be?
Since I don’t watch the NBA except in June (when I can see the championship, plus the start of a shiny new season), I can’t answer this intelligently.
But Canada isn’t very vengeful. Outside of flinging poo from their police vehicles/mammals I don’t know what they’d do. However I’d guess some Jersey wore off on Vince in the last few years.
Gimme the Nets. (Also, I know the playoffs started today, but I have no idea who won if these two teams played today.)
Richard (Atlanta): Time for you to be NFL GM for a change. If you're Oakland do you take Calvin Johnson, JaMarcus Russell or trade down?
If I’m Oakland’s GM, I pick whoever Mr. Davis suggests I pick. Isn’t that how it works? Everyone agrees with him, and then we take the fall after we suck with other league-types talking about how we deserved a better situation?
Now, if I’m Al Davis, I take Russell, because I love a QB who can throw it deep. I made up my mind after watching the film (and I mean FILM) of his pro-day.
If I’m the Raiders and I have Al put into a home, I trade Moss for whatever I can get then take Johnson. He’s THAT good. Lets not forget Reggie Ball was his QB in college. That guy SUUUUUCKS, and Calvin still performed. He’ll make any QB look serviceable. Same answer if I’m the theoretical GM of a theoretical team not named the Raidahs with has that option on draft day.
Chris (Ft. Worth, Tx.): Are people crazy or what? Do you honestly think that Golden State has any hope against Dallas. Ok regular season is one thing, playoff time is another. I say mavs dispose of them in 5, not saying it wont be a close 5 games but none the less mavs finish them off fairly easily.
Yes, people are crazy. I was at the mall today since they have both gyros and Chic-Fil-A, and I saw a really hot chick being bossed around by a toothless dude in a hat Ashton Kutcher would wear. I don’t know who’s more crazy though- Her for listening to him, or the dude for not only bossing her around, but having the lack of brain cells to talk to her in the first place. Unless they were cousins, which just makes ME crazy.
Mavs Sweep (again I don’t know the outcome if these 2 have already played).
Craig (Kalamazoo, Michigan):: As a Tiger fan, how long do I have to wait untill I get to see Zumaya with the closing job?
Are you crazy? Oh, wait, wrong question. Todd Jones has been good so far, don’t screw with what is working. Besides, didn’t a new Guitar Hero come out a few weeks ago? I’d say Zumaya gets past Master of Puppets before he gets the closer job.
Robbie (Pound Ridge, NY): Since Payton won the Super Bowl are we officially going to have to change the term "the Manning face" to "the George Bush face"?
Enough with the fucking faces thing already. I think Simmons ripped this idea off from Drew in “Office Space.” Can I get a ruling on this? Karate Kid, Karate Kid, 90210, 90210, Karate Kid!
Benny (Indianapolis, IN): Do the Lakers have any chance of upsetting the Suns?
Kobe can take over a game, even five games in a row and just will the Lakers to win, but the NBA is fixed. I can’t go any further on the NBA without someone giving me an answer as to how a five-seed has home court advantage, and how a two becomes a five with a better record? FIX! FIX! It’s already determined that the Suns and Mavs will meet in the finals.
Jesse (Indianapolis, IN): So I'm curious what you're take is on A-Rod's ridiculous start to the season. Has he finally been embraced by NY and will he play like this when it really matters? Or does he revert to the same old head case we know and love.
Never underestimate the power of the contract year. But yes, he has been embraced by the Yankee fans until he does something they don’t like. How come people talk about the pressure cooker of playing in New York and put it on the Media? Isn’t it the fans? They suck, but there’s a lot of them. BFD. How is it they are considered “great fans” when they turn on you in a heart beat?
Also, check the stats idiot. Don’t listen to the media who tell you A-Rod isn’t good in the playoffs. He’s been bad in his last 3 playoff series, he was good before that - including against the Yankees. www.baseball-reference.com
Ryan (Pittsburgh): Sports Guy what are your thoughts on the Day 6 of 24? For me it's been an upgrade over the previous 2 seasons, but it is still a distant 4th behind seasons 1-3.
Day 6 has been the most bi-polar of seasons. It had the worst episode ever, and the end of the first act just kind of hit you with no build up. The family things were exciting, but then they dropped it without Jack knowing the kid is his. Kim will be uberpissed next year when she learns she has a brother Jack didn’t tell her about. You’d also think Jack would have asked if they found his Dad.
It seems this season wasn’t thought out enough. Just be glad The Ni9e got cancelled, or else we wouldn’t get the Chinese Vengance. Side note: Don’t the Chinese realize it was just a consul and he was shot by his own dude? Commie Bastards.
Plus, Jack is Jack. We’ve had far too many episodes where he wasn’t the focus. The David Palmer stories never felt forced. The Wayne Palmer ones did.
But you can’t make a determination of this season until you see how Jack handles the Chinese. It will either put this season right behind the first on the all-time list, or it will be 6th. I guess it’s like seeding in the NBA Playoffs.
Cheap Plug for www.watching24.com - best 24 site on the net.
Here’s Simmons answer that I just read: Bill Simmons: Wasted year. I'm not giving up on the show, but it's been the worst of the 6 seasons and definitely the worst-written and worst-acted. I'd like to see them do an experimental season where something crazy happens, like Jack has severe diarrhea during the entire season and it's a running theme. "I need to find a bathroom - WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS IT???????"
Bill, you are so dead to me.
Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY): Don't I look like I'm having fun?
Well, you’re all dolled up in your purple lipstick. So I guess you’re like a girl on prom night before she gets drunk.
DJ Smithers, BC: You mentioned that you are trying to take interest in the NHL playoffs. Have you managed to watch (or find) any of the games?
No, I have Dish and no Versus. Which also means no Extra Innings. Screw you, Bud, screw you.
Cameron Dallas, TX: Should I just go ahead and tell my boss I'm taking the rest of the day off and going home to watch your chat? I don't know if I can afford another 3 hour marathon chat without getting fired.
Ego-only question 1
David Stern : Mr. Simmons, come into my office, we need to talk...
What? Are you going to pitch an EOE series? Like Stump the Schwabb, special Simmons edition where it’s all Celtics questions? Seriously, who wouldn’t watch this? You’d watch this! One day when he programs ESPN8.
clipper season tix rep: SO Bill you renewing your tickets for next season?
Stu Scott has crazy-ass eyes.
Marino (Cold Spring NY): With the Yankees traveling to Boston this weekend who do you have for the series?
The Celtics! Shut up, water-head. I realized this week that on my two big fantasy teams, I’ve got Schilling and Beckett. Sucks for me to root for the Sox 2 out of every 5 days.
Chris (Staten Island, NY): I'm guessing your dream NBA lottery sequence would be to have the Celtics get the top pick but the Knicks pick (now the Bulls pick) have the second?
My dream NBA lottery sequence has Pac-Man Jones taking the winnings and makin’ it rain! I’d actually want the second pick though. I like both Oden and Durant, but I save money by picking second, and then I don’t have to make a choice and have it over my head like Sam Bowie.
Jordan (Portland, OR): Is there a new column coming out today or not? Just tell me now, because I don't want to spend the next 4 hours hitting the "refresh" button on the Sports Guys' World webpage if no good is going to come of it.
Ego-only question 2
Pat (Boston): "I believe we (the Celtics) have a playoff-caliber team right now. With no changes." Danny Ainge. Can I get a reaction on this?
They play in the East. I don’t watch basketball and know that a box of poop, toaster, and three Russians can make the playoffs every other year.
Scott (Salt Lake City, UT: All experts are picking the Rockets over the Jazz!! But they seem to forget the Jazz beat the Rockets in Houston a couple of weeks ago and the Jazz were struggling at that time!! I think everyone is downplaying how good this team can be!!
Dum-da-dum-dum-dum!!
Moo (SF): Do the Yankees fans like ARod yet, or will they always hate him no matter what he does? I think he has the worst home run celebration I have ever seen (next to Mike Schmidt's 500th hr dance). p.s. how much weight has ARod put on since last year, and has anyone questioned this yet? He looks big.
What am I the P-Man for the Yanks? I don‘t weigh him nor look at his ass relative to last year. But everyone has questioned it for the last 5 years, assuming this was to get a steroid comment going.
Morgan: (Eugene, OR): Please pass along warm 4/20 wishes to the SportsGal. When is Phish getting back together?
The dope smoker with a Phish question? Go Figure. Wasn’t the Hippie Circus in town or something for you to go buy a hemp necklace? You pot head loser. I see how YOU had time to attend this chat, since you don’t do shit for society. It’s not a holiday, it’s not a sneaky holiday, and I hope you get hit by a bus. I wish they would legalize pot just so half of these disenfranchised fucks who are all about being anti-establishment have to actually question themselves when not being apathetic to life and slacking.
Chipper (NYC): Why does E get to have the smoking hot girlfriend in Entourage? It makes no sense that his girlfriend (Emmanuelle Chriqui) makes all of Vince's girls look ordinary. Your thoughts?
Don’t watch it. But I want to. I like Jeremy Piven since PCU. But the problem is I can’t find Season 1 on DVD. Season 2 is everywhere, but I’m not starting from the middle of anything.
Justin (Boston): How come you didn't write anything about Imus? I thought that was required of Page 2 writers.
I’ve been busy this week doing 6 hours a day on the air, so I failed to live up to my promise to write something about Imus, and my promise to cut the grass.
Mike (Portland, ME): I heard somewhere that Tommy was going to be the Celtics representative at the upcoming draft lottery? Have you heard anything about this?
If you mean Tommy - the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pin ball, I think he’s represented the Celtics at the last 15 drafts.
Turdo Sandowicz, Houston: Assuming we can get past Utah in the first round, does my team have a shot against Dallas?
Turd Sandwich? If you weren’t from Houston, I’d question if that name were real.
Steve - Philly: The best part about the clip of the 85 lottery is the commish taking a big deep breath before reaching in for the envelope, like he is thinking "don't screw this up". Have you started receiving any threatening phone calls yet since you posted the link? If your columns stop any time soon, because your on "vacation" we'll know what really happened!
Ego post #3
Bill, Morristown, NJ: Does the whole Imus thing mean that we can't make fun of women's "basketball" anymore? Say it ain't so, Bill.
We’ve still got horse racing, soccer and Jai Lai. I mean, what’s the deal with a Fronton, anyway? Sounds like Funyuns for salad.
Short answer: No, it does not mean that. We just make fun of the white girls and lesbians.
Dave, Halifax, Nova Scotia: Since we don't get a column before the weekend, how about giving us some NBA predictions? ( I like a Suns Raptors final, but I'm an unabashed homer.)
A homer for what? Don’t you have to be near a team to be a homer for it? Don’t you have to be near ANYTHING to be a homer? Don’t you have to have a HOME? Hey, when the hell did Canada get the internet?
Bobby, Schaumburg, Illinois: If the Bulls get the #1 pick and get Oden. Can we declare a 2nd dynasty in beloved home town? Oh and how funny will it be if there is a dribbler down the line and A Rod tries to karate chop Dice K and Dice K just flat drops him...Yanks/Sawx....gotta love it!
A Bulls/Red Sox Fan? Bet you just LOVED the Nick Saban hiring at Alabama. I want the Celtics to get the first pick and get Oden if for no other reason than I want to see the guy who shoves it up Rick Pitino’s ass that Robert Parrish WAS walking through that door. Anyone who’s seen DC Cab can imagine along with me:
I think that would be like when Tyrone was on the car and saw the drive-in theater and spots Bruce Lee. “BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! I SEE ‘IM, I SEE ‘IM, I SEE THAT KARATE MOTHER FUCKER!
Edited out MTV question
Edited out another MTV question
Edited out a third MTV question
Shar (Great Neck, NY): Any thoughts on Hank Aaron refusing to travel when Bonds finally breaks the record? 2 thoughts on this: (a) any chance every team in the majors will agree to walk Bonds at every at bat so he doesn't break the record? (b) I heard a radio announcer this morning say that A-Rod is on pace to hit a hundred something home runs and would bet that Aaron would travel to see that. I thought it was funny.
It’s funny that someone in my vocation would still say someone is on pace for anything in baseball the first 2 months of the season. Dipsticks like that are why people rip on radio guys. It’s trite tripe. I think, however, that if anyone knows what it’s like to be a leper in baseball it would be Aaron. I don’t like Bonds any more than you do - but people hated Aaron when he broke the record because of how he looked. Now he’s doing the same thing.
John (Dallas): How do you feel about the whole Joe Crawford thing? He seemed like an ass but a good official. Didn't Bennett Salvadore deserve to get kicked out of the league more than Joe?
I think Joe Crawford had money on the games. Would it shock ANYONE if they found out the refs in the NBA were the actual thugs, taking money from organized crime to throw games? Not me.
Marc - Minneapolis: Sports Guy, I have to say, you and I seem to like the same TV shows, so I took your advise and tried to TIVO the 1st season of The Wire on BET, but I didn't get hooked...not sure if it was because of the censors or what, but it just was wasn't great for me man. What up wit that?
I don’t have a DVR, but I’m afraid if I did, I’d never do anything but watch TV. However, I could fit in 2x as many shows by skipping the commercials. However, then I wouldn’t ever be aware of things like the Hillshire Farms spot.
WHEN I SAY HILLSHIRE YOU SAY FARMS! HILLSHIRE……. HILLSHIRE.
Hey, I bet my wife would spring for the DVR just based on not hearing that.
I really don’t have one because once I have it, why should I still pay for it? I’m not paying a monthly fee for something that the dish company doesn’t give me a service for. Let me store my stuff on your servers so I don’t have to delete all the stuff, and maybe.
I’ve heard good things about the Wire though, I’d get the DVD, but HBO is too proud of their stuff.
James (RVC, NY): Who do you think is the most dangerous team for next year out of the teams who missed the playoffs this year?
Either Jacksonville or the Steelers. They’re both pretty good, and I can see the wheels falling off for all three of the AFC top seeds, because the NFL is just that damn unpredictable.
Alf (Baltimore, MD): Since we didn't get a running diary on Wrestlemania, is it safe to say that either a)you just didn't watch it or b) you were as disappointed as I was with the show??
I was rather impressed with Cena actually working a good match, and I’m glad that Kennedy is getting a push.
I hate when people screw up Kennedy’s intro though. It’s the best (only) thing on Smackdown, and every time I watch, part of the spot is for it to be interrupted. No one ever tripped the Ultimate Warrior when he was running like an idiot. WWE, I implore you, let Kennedy go to the ring first always.
Brian, ATL: Bill can we please have a video of you watching the ping pong balls in May? AT least put it on youtube b/c either way it will be hilarious
Huh?
Edit: NBA Lottery Question. Missed that, thought his first EOE venture had something to do with ping pong.
Mike (Los Angeles, CA): Have you ever know a girl as crazy as that chick from the Real World?
I can answer this MTV question, since I don’t have to know which chick he means.
But the answer is no. There’s no people as crazy as Real World chicks, because there’s nothing Real about them. I’ve dated some crazy bitches, but never any Real-World crazy bitches.
Brodie, St. Paul: Best team in the AL? Twins? Yanks? D-Rays? Thoughts.
See: Outside the Texas Rangers II
Brodie, St. Paul: Big T-wolves fan, and I have to say that for the sake of the good of the League, the Wolves CANNOT end up with one of the top two picks in the lottery. If you thought Elgin Baylor is a great Lottery Bungling Mind, wait and see how insignificant Greg Oden can become when playing on a team managed by the Great Kevin McHale.
I’ve really got no response to this. Other than to say you are not a fan. I mean, just like when people rooted for losses to get better picks, at least they were being selfish. Good of the league? Screw that, isn’t that the Ewing excuse for the Knicks?
Also, how come Todd Wright from Sporting News Radio (nee: All Night with Todd Wright) never gets credit for dubbing it “The Association” but now everyone uses it, and it’s all Todd.
Brian- Yonkers: You endorsing Mike and the M/Dog is hard to take. "Angy" Mike was all over Jason Whitlock this morning b/c JW called Imus stupid and irrelevant a few times. Otherwise love all your stuff, especially the book.
NOT ego #4. I am not a big Mike and Mad Dog guy, but give them credit for what they do. They’re the radio version of The Shield for me - I know it’s good, but I just never got into it.
Billy Knight Atlanta GA: I resent you putting Kevin ahead of me. I have worked VERY HARD to bing the most inept GM in the league. Guess I'll have to show you with this years picks.
I’ve never even heard of you.
Shahan (New York, NY): I know it's early, but with Dice-K's lack of run support already a theme, are we seeing shades of Pedro's 2003 campaign? (187 IP, 29 GS, 2.22 ERA, 3 CG, 14-4 record due to lack of runs and bullpen featuring Scott "I guess I'm the closer" Williamson)
It has been a few starts. Are you ready to send Manny down the river as well? Also, Pedro is in the first paragraph of the discussion “best pitcher of his era.” Matsuzaka has 3 starts. Give it a rest.
Edited out MTV Question.
Tom Wondra: West Bend, WI: If Phoenix gets the 4th overall pick in the NBA draft - who would you take?
Not the European white guy. I don’t know what trade the Suns made to get a lottery pick that high, but if they did I’d say Al Horford. Nash is Nash, and Amari was able to NOT get killed by the micro fracture surgery. Isn’t some foreigner their center? If so, you go Horford.
Ryan (worcester, ma): At what age do you have to stop watching reality shows that are supposed to be for teenagers? When your daughter becomes one?
Ryan, you missed the point of a Simmons. He’s able to maintain a perspective of a loser frat boy. He found his voice a decade ago, and he can’t change. It’s a catch-22.
AC/DC stayed true to their sound - and people say they all sound the same. Metallica let themselves grow as musicians and people and people bitch that they aren’t the same as they ever were.
Oh, wait, you were searching for clarification weren’t you? Uh, dude! I’m never going to stop watching MTV! Dennis Leary!
Shaun (Madison WI): Doesn't Isiah Thomas still have to attend the lottery because as of right now all the Bulls have is the option of swapping picks...what would happen if the #1 pick was the Knicks envelope?
Um, Isiah will just send the league a fax informing them that he is shutting down the lottery.
Jack (Cincinnati): Ive ready so many puff pieces on Josh Hamilton that my head is about to explode, but I am now truly excited about the Great Hambino era. Your thoughts?
It’s a great redemption story, isn’t it? Except I hope he fails.
See, I was in a fantasy league with someone who grew up in the same state as Hamilton or something, so he pretended like he was friends with Joshy. He then said Hamilton’s parents got a restraining order on me. It was awesome.
Here’s the problem with the soft-focus job they do on Hamilton. They talk about “Drugs and Other Issues” but fail to delve into the “other issues.” Because then the story isn’t so sugary sweet.
Jack (Ipswich, MA): The Suns appear very unlikely to keep their core together for luxury tax reasons. Don't you think Marion would look good in green?
I honestly have no more thoughts on the Celtics. Not one.
Joe H. (Orange, NJ): What did you think of A-Rod's HR "trot" last night? It looked to me like a tampon commercial. I'M HAPPY...I'M FREE...I'M ALIVE! Only thing missing was a sheer white robe and wild horses in a field of flowers.
Joe, those aren’t tampon commercials. Those are commercials for laundry soap. Tampon commercials are set in real life situations where the woman is in a slightly-below-the-knee black skirt in some sort of public situation like a subway or elevator. Jeez, today’s youth.
Matt (Washington DC): Isn't that the whole point of a luxury tax or a salary cap? To keep a team from stockpiling an abnormal amount of assets? Why is it so good in the NFL that teams can't keep great teams together and so terrible in the NBA?
This is in response to the answer from two questions ago that Simmons gave. The point is so they don’t spend outrageously more on that talent. And the reason it’s good in the NFL is that it keeps the point spreads low so that the people who can’t get enjoyment out of a game with no money involved can bet on more games and have more interest.
Kristen (Boulder, CO): Any guesses as to what ABC's NBA playoff/championship theme song will be this year? Will it actually be from this decade?
I think something by Fallout Boy is a possibility. I don’t know anything by Fallout Boy, but the dude on the Verizon commercial said it got him pumped. That’s the goal. I think. Is there anything more apt though than a white guy singing a super white-guy song for the NBA? I’m hoping for Brooks and Dunn or maybe George Strait.
I know I DON’T want it to be Explosions in the Sky. People love them, but it’s incredibly boring music.
I’d have a better guess is if I hadn’t pretty much given up on new music about 5 years ago.
Dave (NJ): Are you a fan of the UFC? Now that ESPN is actually covering the sport, I assume you can answer a question on it.
I used to watch UFC when it first started, and it was all about winning on that night - going through several rounds.
At some point, I lost interest. I wonder why. It seems to have gotten better and is still based on the simple idea of one guy kicking the hell out of another guy - something I can support. I wish I hadn’t fallen off the boat on this.
**Edited out theme-song discussion**
J.Satts, Denver: I know I'm a homer, but am I the only one who thinks the Nugs have a shot here? AI will prove his worth in the playoffs. Parker can't check him. Talk to me, Goose...
I don’t know what’s worse. The Top Gun reference, or me recognizing it as a Top Gun reference. I think you are pretty much the only one though, sorry.
Brett the Beaver (East Meadow, NY): Bill! Will you finally watch Friday Night Lights?
I watched this at the beginning, but the football was forced, the drama was too television and, yeah, the music from Explosions in the Sky bored me.
Jericho is a much better choice on Wednesday nights. I’m looking forward to Heroes being back. I just hope that next year NBC chooses not to put it next to 24 with about 8 weeks of hiatus on it. How is it that FOX is the only network that can figure out the proper way to run a serialized show is consecutively?
Jeremy (Dallas, TX): So, after the worst NBA regular season in recent history do you think that the playoffs will live up to last years (the best NBA playoffs I've seen in my lifetime) - I'm hoping to end with a rematch of last years finals with Dirk and the boys taking home the prize this time.. As long as Dirk and D-Wade get into a fist fight, I'd love to see a redo of David and Goliath
I’m guessing that this year the refs pick Duncan and the Spurs to screw instead of the Mavs in the finals. I have to - HAVE TO - know why in the hell Dirk lacks ANY killer instinct though? J-Ho has it…in the first quarter!
Also, I’m surprising myself with how much I know about these NBA questions.
James Whitman, MA: Bill, everyone I know seems to be jumping off the "Lost" bandwagon after the hiatus. My friend and I stuck it out and have been very happy with the second part of this season. I compare it to keeping faith in the Sox and finally getting rewarded. Mr. Eko being killed may have been the 03 ALCS, it hurt, but made us stronger. It looks to us like the writers have started to take it in the right direction and are heading towrds their own 04 ALCS and World Series. Any thoughts?
I watched the show a few times, but it seemed like a really, really long episode of the Outer Limits. Without nudity, I couldn’t watch the Outer Limits. Lost has no nudity, so I don’t watch. I guess that makes it more like the 04 NBA Finals.
Also, why does everyone who reads Simmons feel the need to force analogies into the question. I mean FORCED. To me, this is like when you were out dating that one girl who wouldn’t let you in her pants, so you’d try to get her drunk hoping it would let down the defenses on your really crappy offense. So you just kept putting up these really bad shots, and sometimes, one would get through and you’d get to 3rd base.
zoe(atl): Bill, can you rank your top 5 tv shows.
This is rather simple. I’m not going to include any shows that have an anchor, panel or can be watched in person.
Top 5 on the air: 24 (The episode with the developmentally challenged computer genius can’t outweigh 5.5 other good seasons.), Jericho (I guess this is my “Lost” - you watch to get answers that never come), Heroes (Wait, this is my “Lost”), House, and Man vs. Wild.
Honorable mention to South Park, Criminal Minds and Psyche. That’s the list of shows that I try to make it a point to watch every week. Here’s some bonus lists: Top 4 that I haven’t gotten into, but will on DVD - maybe: The Shield, The Wire, Sleeper Cell, Entourage. Top 4 that you screwed up by not watching: Vanished, Kidnapped, Studio 60, and The Black Donnellys.
And the 2 on DVD that you must purchase: The Pretender and Sports Night.
mike (Laguna Niguel, Ca): Whose your best bet for this years Tim Thomas in th playoffs, parlaying some good games into a giant unworthy contract?
This is a Simmons deal. He pointed out this phenomenon and I’m not going to steal it from him. I guess it’s not tired since it only comes around once a year. Now, the Ewing Theory…….
Alex (San Francisco, CA): Bill what happened to you and the EPL. You two broke up quicker than Nicole Richie and food.
I dunno what EPL is. But that’s another forced analogy. Watch how often they come up.
EDIT: It’s soccer. The only thing I hate more than soccer are Navigators with customized decals of a kids name inside a soccer ball. Hey, make it easier for the bad guys to gain a kids trust by telling them the name of the kid they’re trying to kidnap.
Great idea, soccer mom. (This extends to cheerleading bullhorn, baseball bat and football helmet stickers. I’d have quit if my parents did this.)
Dr. House (NJ): BLASPHEMY! How does The Office, House, and 30 Rock miss your list? The Sopranos is often too slow and boring. Despite a down year, 24 is still one of the all-time greats.
Gregory would never say BLASPHEMY. I don’t like the Office - despite the wife liking the British version. It did have some good exchanges like “Would you rather be an ass-faced weasel, or a weasel-faced ass?” For the most part though, I hate shows where people can’t get out of the way of their own stupidity. The moved 30 Rock one too many times for me to keep up with where it’s at, but I like (to look at) Tina Fey, and any show with Brian Fellow has to be decent.
Mike - Coaldale, PA: Have you ever given The Shield a chance? Great show.
I’m hoping to take a week this summer vacation, where I can do stuff like force feed myself 3 or 4 seasons of “The Commish - The Gritty Years”
Daniel (Los Angeles): Admit it: the only reason you're ticked Nikki was killed off is because she's scorchingly hot.
*shrug* Which show was this again? I’m glad this is before the Heroes return, otherwise I’d be pissed that I read a spoiler.
Nati: (Laurel, MD): No comment on the Mavs and their strange rest pattern??? Rest your guys instead of eliminating a team that swept the season series on the 2nd to last day, but don't rest them on the last day against the Sonics!? Were the Mavs scared of trying and losing?
It is a 1 vs. 8 series. You don’t let 8-seeds dictate anything to you. Besides, you stick it to those hippy coffee drinkers in Seattle any time you can for any reason.
Jason, NY: I love how "Pettite Scares you". I do the same thing with the Yanks before a Sox / Yanks series: I build up the other team so I'm not as crushed if we lose, then blow off any wins we do get with "It's not over yet, there's still ____ games to go". I'm never comfortable with a lead or a win until said team has been eliminated from playoff contention.
So is it fun dating the attainable girl and not trying to have sex since you might get her pregnant?
Eric (New York City): Where are the angry emails, those are the funniest part!
If I got email, I wouldn’t have to steal these!
M.J Vera (Las Vegas): If Oden came out and admitted he tried pot once in awhile like the football players did, and that's why he's so mellow, would that give you any second thoughts on teh Celtics potentially drafting him?
You know who is going to KILL Okoye and Johnson? Randy Moss and Warren Sapp. It wasn’t that long ago pot use got them buried in the draft. Now its not affecting draft position at all.
Marc - McWillie Ok: Any excitement at all about Mayweather/De LaHoya?
Boxing did a good job of killing itself, but UFC kicked some dirt on the grave. I don’t even watch UFC, but I know that if I want to watch ass kicking, the good ones are in UFC - so boxing is irrelevant. That said, I hope Mayweather wins.
George (Richmond, VA): I can't recall you ever commenting on "The Black Donnellys." Did you give that show a try or not?
I watch it online via NBC’s website. I think I like it since I’m Irish. Plus, the Irish boss being an ax-toting psycho named “Dokey” makes it all the better.
Dan (Amelia, OH): Hey Simmons, I'm tired of hearing about how Red Sox fans are fed-up with Coco Crisp. Andy Marte hasn't exactly been the second coming of George Brett in Cleveland. Boo-freaking-hoo.
I’m fed up with Wily Mo Pena, killing my fantasy team.
Monte (philly, pa): Favorite Mayweather? Floyd Jr, Roger or Floyd Sr? I think it's Roger handsdown. You better be watching Mayweather/De La Hoya 24-7
Floyd Sr.- Just cause he chose to name a kid “Floyd” after he knew what it meant to grow up named Floyd. I’m sure that helped him get ready for a career of fighting, though.
Curtis, Columbia: What would you do if your team drafted Josh McRoberts? I can't figure out anything that would help that pain
Yet it’s nothing like the pain of the car/motorcycle/rascal accident he’s sure to get into once he signs a guaranteed deal.
Sat (Jersey): Will Sloan get naked on Entourage?
Um. Who?
Deion Branch (Seattle): Will I be worth the Seahawks not having a first round pick next weekend?
To the Patriots - yes. To the Seahawks, no.
Greg Oden (Columbus): Will I be happy in Memphis?
Yes, you already succeeded in a football town, and you seem like you’ll get a kick out of the song Chris Vernon writes about you (The guy who wrote the Coach O song).
Chris (MI): Come on Sports Guy...I read everything you right...and I'm one of 5 Hawks fans left... They could get Oden/Durant and Conley/Law if the ping pong balls cooperate. That's exciting right?
Write.
Danny (Boston, NY): With the fourth pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the Boston Celtics select....Spencer Hawes, C from the University of Washington. Your reaction?
NO MORE CELTICS QUESTIONS!
Aaron Nashville TN: Will Kobe be passive against the Suns like he was in last years playoffs?
No. I don’t suppose. He’ll go for 50 about 3 times, but they’ll lose every one of them.
PattyO (Austin): Maximo Park or The Fratellis?
Who and who? Proximo on Gladiator helped Maximus. I bet that’s where that name came from.
Dave (Cambridge, MA): Apparently the Grizzlies are considering Boston's Chris Wallace to replace Jerry West. Would that be a good move?
Bill Clinton owned him on Fox, so I guess not.
Jared (Atlanta): Am I the only one expecting Tim Duncan to go off in the playoffs like Clint Eastwood at the end of "Unforgiven" and just wipe everybody out? You know Timmaaaa's not happy about losing Game 7 at home to the Mavs last season and he's healthy again. I have a feeling that if the playoffs were "The Departed", at the end Tim Duncan's going to by Mark Wahlberg minus the plastic bodysuit.
Two forced analogies in one note. Impressive. Who’s Matt Damon in this scenario though?
My favorite past time now is seeing Chase from Nina’s last season of 24 pop up in random movies, and wondering what would happen if Jack were there to help him. So far, I’ve got The Departed and The Black Donnellys on the list.
Ben ((Charlotte)): Bill, you seem to be in to indie rock, mind if i throw a couple bands out there? Broken Social Scene, Pinback, or Minus the Bear?
Minus the Bear is interesting. As a band name. The rest sound lame.
Chip (NYC): Seriously, what does it take to get into one of your chats? I never read your book because I'm a Yankee fan and I could die in peace 9 years earlier so I can't suck up to you about it. I'm on edge here William. It's the first nice day in months and I'm stuck at work rather than looking at hot chicks in short dresses - throw me a bone!
You made my fake chat, if that’s any help?
Matt Millen (Detroit, MI): Im eyeing Calvin Johnson like a juicy steak.
The strange part about this whole Lions WR thing - most times when he took a wideout, it was the best guy left on the board. If he’s not taken first, that’ll be the case with Calvin. I think he HAS to take him, and then he can make a trade. He’ll have all the cards, as of right now people think he won’t make that move because of the PR. But once it’s done, he can let them know he is that crazy. It’ll be like the Eli pick for the Chargers.
Dallas (Carrollton, TX: You think Chikils is short, I saw Keifer in Shereveport after the Mr. Brooks filiming (new Costner/Demi Moore movie) and he was wearing super tight jeans, a jean jacket that looked like it had some studs on the sleeves and holding his girls purse or his own man bag. I've never looked at 24 the same again. Plus he's legitimately 5' 6". Costner though in person is straight out of Tin Cup. AWESOME!-
I don’t see a question in there. But OK. Yes, he’s short. I hope his bag was the green duffel that he had in Season 5, and had magically appear after Die-Hard-with-a-Vengancing Fayed. I want one.
** Edited duplicate boxing question**
AW (PHX): The worst part about living on the west coast is that when your chat is over, I will still have 4 to 5 hours to kill before happy hour. Any suggestions what to do with the time?
Ego question #4
Jonny (Summersville, WV): Did you ever check out 'Extras' on HBO? Not your cup of tea?
HBO, the Red Sox, NBA and boxing. Simmons’ fans are in tune with what’s popular.
Mike, St. Paul, MN: Speaking of,"Best Of's" DVD's. Whoever picks the best of's for the SNL DVD's needs to be fired. I bought the Phil Hartmann one and it was terrible. It didn't even have Dysfunctional Family Feud.
I want an SNL DVD with all the Brian Fellows, then all the Celebrity Jeopardy. It’s not the actor stupid, it’s the characters.
Mike (Baltimore, MD): Why do some people throwing out the first pitch wear a glove?
I’m just going to let that linger for everyone to think about. Good question, Mike.
DM, OH: we deserve every episode of larry sanders on dvd -- why o why are they releasing a greatest hits instead of season 2?
When I bought “Malcolm in the Middle” there was a coupon inside for Season 2 “coming this fall” - that was about 4 years ago.
The good news is, WKRP put it’s first season on DVD today. AWESOME.
Sridhar (TX): SA did not lose to Dallas because of the foul. They still had the last shot in regulation and they still had the overtime to win it. So please stop saying that DALLAS won because of Manu.
They weren’t as good a team. Bottom line. Neither were the Heat, unless the refs count as “Heat.”
Jason (ATL): alright simmons, whats your top 5 bands that get no love from mainstream media??
Cowboy Mouth.. Um… Cowboy Mouth… Did I say Cowboy Mouth? Check their live show if you enjoy music and it’s anywhere near you.
I have a plan one day to start a radio station that plays stuff from about “Master of Puppets” to Saliva. Just 90s rock, and I’m going to get rich doing it unless Clear Channel or Cumulus steal the idea from reading my blog.
Tim (Gainesville, FL): Sebastian Telfair just got arrested for having a gun...any thoughts?
Has Urban Meyer offered him a scholarship yet?
Adam (Frederick, MD): Went into a music trader shop last week to buy Big Red Letter Day by Buffalo Tom. They did not have it, am I old still listening to them and wanting to buy an album I lost a while back?
I think you’re old for calling it an album and buying it instead of downloading it. Sadly, I’m an old 27.
Dan (Tewksbury MA): August 16 is the 40th anniversary of Tony Conigliaro's injury. It's time to retire his number. Thoughts?
I think it’s time to retire talking about whoever the hell you are talking about.
Brian (Chicago): I credit you for the Silversun Pickups recommendation a few chats ago. Can't stop listening to it. Thanks
No sweat.
Tom (Centreville, VA): Saw Silversun Pickups live a few weeks back with Snow Patrol. They stunk. The sound system was terrible. I could understand a word. Then I get in the car after the concert and hear one of their songs. I thought :Where the hell were they tonight"? So I should buy the cd and hear it all?
Blah Blah Blah. Cowboy Mouth.
Graham (CO): Simmons, who ya got the Pats taking in the 1st round. They are doing everything right this off-season, I am just glad you guys have to come to the track in Indy this season.
Whatever they did would be called “right.” For years, they don’t sign anyone and it’s cause they don’t want to over-pay. So then they start over-paying everybody and it’s a great move cause they’re filling holes. I’m unimpressed, and think they’ll used Thomas wrong.
Carricker is a lock to be one pick if he’s there, then they’ll go with a corner on the second pick.
Joe (Norton, MA): How can South Park not be in any man's top 5 favorite shows?
The same way Peyton Manning never wins an MVP. You just expect so much it’s hard to live up to it.
Joe (Washington, DC): Mute Math is excellent, especially live. Their drummer duck tapes ear phones to his head. Check it out http://youtube.com/watch?v=K6FUDOV9Glo
Ducktape huh? I should listen to their music based solely on that info. But I won’t.
Pat (Boston): You may have not been told, but one of the worst parts of the spring this year is the Sox replacing Trupiano with 2 generic JoeBuck-esque hotshots on the radio. As the only sub-80 year old who listens to every game on the radio, these guys just don't sound right with Castiglione, they've got no connections to '04, and if the Sox ever start hitting some dingers I'm going to seriously miss the "Way Back!" call...
Sucks for you. I’m sure they’re better broadcasters than anyone in Boston, you’re just too big an idiot to realize it.
Mike (New York): How far can the Suns go this year in the playoff? Can they beat Dallas in 7?
They can beat Dallas in 4. But it won’t happen.
Mike (Baltimore, MD): Think there is any chance the Pistons have an '04 run, Chauncey is in a contract year, Closer needs a championship, Prince always plays, and they are nearly as dinged up. No one gave them a chance then either.
I think they do it just to piss off Ben Wallace. They won’t win the Finals, but they’ll get there this year as the window closes. I think the Bulls take it next year.
Rob (Houston): If Silversun Pickups opened for the Smashing Pumpkins on the Pumpkins reunion tour, how would people know when the other band came out?
When it became hard to breathe because Billy Corrigan’s head sucked out all the oxygen.
Jim, Boston Massachusetts: Hey Bill, who ya got wining the NBA finals?
Mavs.
Evan NYC: SG- Have you seen Planet Earth yet? best show on TV
No. Sounds smart. So it can’t be the best.
Stuck in Corporate Tax: Kill me, this class will never end. Sports guy, give me a link that will eat up some time.
www.deadspin.com www.sportsgonesouth.com and google.com - Cheap plugs of sites I’m hoping to get a link from.
Kristin (Denver): Where's the girl love? When's the Sports Gal Chat?
When ESPN works out the bugs in their streaming video/credit card system. See, that's meant to imply..never mind.
**Edited Sports Gal Question**
Kmart, California: Raptors - Nets: Do you think any other arena is going to get as loud and angry as the Air Canada Centre, when Prince Carter steps on the floor? The city (Toronto) is in a frenzy.
Remember back in like 90 or 91 when the NFL tried to penalize teams for their building’s being too loud? That kinda sucked.
-------------------------------------------------
There you go. I've got some blogservations that I'll have up at some point in the next couple days. I actually try to formulate those into sentences, so it could take some time.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Outside the Texas Rangers II
Evan Grant’s Inside the Texas Rangers gets sent to me in an email every week.
Some guys are at their best when answering emails, so I figured I’d give it a try.
But since no one sends me email questions, I figure I’ll steal that which belongs to someone else.
For years it’s had Ken Daley’s picture alongside Evan’s when I open it. Though I don’t remember Daley ever answering the questions. I know Belo is cheap and therefore hasn‘t changed the banner, but maybe they’ll be so kind to put my picture along side Evan somewhere down the road.
As always with these, I don’t read the answers of the trained professional before answering.
Evan’s original is Here.
Q: It seems to me that the Rangers made a mockery out of the "disabled list" when everyone fully admitted that Eric Gagne was fine but they wanted him to have extra work and kept him in AAA because of the 15-day DL. How can that be? It seems to me you could stash players for strategic reasons on the DL and unfairly expand your roster size. Am I missing something?
Dr. U. in Beaumont, Texas
Doc, I understand that as a (possible) medical stalwart you would have some sort of issue with the teams medical practices. But with a chance that you are some other sort of mumbo-jumbo doc like a chiropractor or medicinal marijuana prescriber, I’d like to remind you that medicine has diagnosed many more diseases and ailments than they have cured since World War I.
While things like ADHD are strictly diagnosed for parents who are too lazy or stupid to understand childhood, I wonder how you are able to pedal your fake wares on the open market as such a stickler for the term disabled. Your profession is the one that took the meaning from the word to begin with.
I also question your use of mockery. It’s not as if the DL is the Constitution or a cell phone contract.
Strategically, you are correct. Teams do use it to give themselves a better chance of winning by maintaining a fully active roster. The unfairness of such is up for debate. Do you think the Rangers are better off for having had Bruce Chen than Eric Gagne to start the season? If Gagne was not “disabled” then you must have some belief that Mike Wood was better suited for the early parts of the season based on talent?
While teams on occasion will use the DL to delay a decision, they still can’t dress more than 25 players on any day, and there is still the prescribed time frame to bring a player back to the roster for strategic purposes.
Ultimately, the meaning of disabled in the phrase “disabled list” is used to describe a player who because of reasons other than general suckiness is unable to perform up to a standard established by his own prior performance.
Q: Assuming you are a thinking man, and if my assumption is accurate, then you must have a feel for which teams are solid contenders, even at this early date. How about a dozen or so top contenders, based on what you've seen so far, and why you think so?
True, this was based on an assumption of Grant, not me, but I’ll take a shot anyway.
The Yankees and Cleveland are solid contenders based on their lineups alone. The Red Sox are also well suited to perform. The White Sox will hit better and the Tigers will pitch better once they get Kenny Rogers and Andrew Miller into big league games.
Learning is based on prior experiences, so I’m going to include the A’s who always find a way to get themselves in the discussion. I’ll also include the Rangers and Angels because the A’s won’t run away with anything. There’s 8 in the AL.
The NL teams: Atlanta, New York, Los Angeles, Arizona.
There is an even dozen. Standings this early are a lot like wins and losses for a pitcher. Partly based on performance, but also on opportunity. Last year the Rangers were on top of their division when May began. However, that was like a Rick Helling 20-win season. Based on opportunity.
So I countered that with talent and past performance. Which is why I’m not ready to write off teams like Philadelphia but you asked for a dozen top contenders, so I have some latitude to be wrong since a minimum of four teams listed above will be home in October. Twelve is a large number out of 32.
Q: I have read the recent press about Nate Gold. I guess the multimillion dollar question is, how does he project at the big league level, and does he give a viable power-hitting option by the All-Star break next season when we might be considering moving our current first baseman? At 26, he needs to get up soon, or do we have the next Steve Balboni on our hands?
Billy, Dallas
By “press” I’m guessing you mean “Newberg Report Message Board?”
He’s older and inexperienced at the upper levels of the minors so his viability is unquestionably questionable. I will question anyone who says that he can replace Mark Teixeira, who also won’t be traded. If Teixeira leaves, it will be because he walks away as a free agent.
For comparisons though, rather than Steve Balboni, I’d say he’s the next Jason Botts.
Nate Gold isn’t SUPPOSED to be a big player, so anything he does to help the parent club is gravy.
Q: What are the pro scouts saying about Sosa? I saw him crush a hanging breaking ball, but I've also seen him overpowered by a couple of fastballs. What's your take on this? Last I checked, the Rangers were last in baseball with production from the 4-6 spots in the order.
I don’t talk to pro scouts, but I also saw Mark Teixeira and Michael Young overpowered by a couple of fastballs.
I’m guessing your last statement means you are ready to be done with Sammy, but the team tried to temper expectations by saying he’d be expected to perform after May 1. He’s shown the ability to hit a homer, and has taken a couple walks lately.
He hasn’t been the teams best hitter, nor has he been the teams worst. I wish I had a more definitive answer on him. I know that Teixeira and Young will be better. I suspect that Kinsler will slow down.
But much like bladders - the older one gets, the less predictable it becomes. The same can be said for younger players, this far Brandon McCarthy has wet the bed. Hopefully Sammy becomes “Depend”able this year, and McCarthy doesn’t have to be flushed from the roster. But we just don’t know, and won’t for a while.
Q: Did the Rangers' pursuit of Eric Gagne in the off-season in any way preclude their search for another outfielder?
Phil, Lincoln, Ill.
For years Ranger fans have talked about needing pitching. Now the team gets pitching and you complain that there’s not more money being dedicated to an outfielder? Phil, I’m disappointed.
The Short Answer:
The availability of outfielders and cost relative to production (both in dollars on the open and trade markets) affected their pursuit of outfielders.
The Long Answer:
An outfield of Manny, Beltran and Vlad would definitely make the team happy. But they don’t operate in a vacuum. There is a budget and dollars allocated to one area can’t be spent elsewhere.
So the contracts to Eric Gagne, Michael Young and Vicente Padilla in some way precluded their search for an outfielder.
However, if there was a player that Jon Daniels wanted bad enough, who wanted to be a Ranger at a price that made sense - then he would be here along with Gagne, Young and Padilla.
Sorry I couldn’t give you another log to throw on your anti-management fire you were hoping to stoke.
Q: Will John Daniels' future as the Rangers GM be tied to how well Brandon McCarthy pitches over the next two years? His first two big trades, the Alfonso Soriano trade and the San Diego trade, have not turned out well, but if Danks out pitches McCarthy, would that be the last straw?
Kevin Olding
Lets use exaggeration to help us think through this.
If Brandon McCarthy goes 0-40 from this point until the end of the 2008 season, while John Danks goes 40-0 and the Texas Rangers win a World Series would you think it prudent to fire Jon Daniels because of McCarthy’s performance?
Jon Daniels job is not solely to make trades. He oversees a major league ball club, and ultimately is responsible for the players brought into and taken out of the system from the lowest rungs of the minors to the 25-man roster. He also hires the people who evaluate and educate those players. He educates those who educate and evaluate on how the team wants to educate and evaluate. He then has to evaluate those who evaluate and educate based on how well they evaluated and educated. That’s just the beginning.
His job is not a simple one.
I can think of few singular moves that would get Jon Daniels fired in the next two years. If he is unemployed it will be because the overall education, evaluation and performance from top to bottom is done at a rate deemed lower than acceptable by ownership.
Also, I would like you to tell me who has more to show this year for the Soriano trade - Texas or Washington? It hasn’t worked out the way Daniels envisioned it when making the trade, but it was the best offer on the table for Soriano.
Washington had him during his best season, and failed to find a trade partner despite being willing to move him. They only have draft picks to show for his contributions to them.
I’d also note: If it were not made, Soriano is likely at second last year, making Ian Kinsler either a rookie this year or a second year player for another franchise.
Each move Daniels makes has a ripple effect, so don’t call a trade an unmitigated disaster or a success based ONLY on the players involved.
Q: If Eric Gagne shows he's ready to be the closer, presumably enhancing the possibility of trading Akinori Otsuka, what do you assess as the need that the Rangers need to address in such a trade, and, of the teams already expressing interest in Otsuka, what do they have that we could use?
David Williams, San Dimas, Calif.
Don’t look for a trade soon, David.
Eric Gagne showing he’s ready to be the closer isn’t what will allow the team to trade Otsuka. Eric Gagne showing he’s able to be the closer for an extended period of time, plus the other members of the bullpen showing their able to step up and replace Otsuka and serve as a contingency plan for Gagne are.
I think you’re more likely to see another member of the bullpen dealt to a team in need, but you didn‘t ask that.
On a larger scale, I think the team will look for long-term solutions in the outfield and more starting pitching in any trade they make.
Cleveland has a cadre of young starting arms including Cliff Lee and Jeremy Sowers. Once Lee is healthy, either of those would be fine centerpieces for a trade with the Indians. If Otsuka is on their roster last year they likely make the playoffs.
Boston has some young outfielders, but solved the problems at the back of their bullpen when they moved Jonathan Palpebon back into the closers role.
One team that makes too much sense, but would never happen: The Astros. They could use someone like Otsuka and the Rangers would no doubt ask for Brad Lidge as part of the return. Hunter Pence would be the guy that the Rangers would covet, though. But it won’t happen.
There was a trade last year that included the Rangers, Astros and Orioles that would have had Lidge on the move (and Hank Blalock). It was vetoed at the ownership level of the Astros who rates his own team’s success just a small step above Ranger failure on the desirable ladder.
Oh, and………. SAN DIMAS HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!
Q: Why in the world was Matt Kata at third [Sunday]? Has he ever played that position? I have never seen one position player have such a negative impact on a game, and still stay in! Where was Hank Blalock? Just a day off?
Derek in Carrollton, Texas
Hank Blalock wasn’t going to play 162 games this season. Likewise, bench players have to get some time in the lineup and Matt Kata had hit reasonably well in his limited role this season. Ron Washington thought he had a favorable match up with Kata in the lineup that day, so he got the start.
No one knows better than Ron Washington how horrible a day it was at the yard for Kata. But he knows that it is just one game. With hopes to make the playoffs Wash knows that he is going to have to get some performance out of everyone on the roster.
His style is to get that performance by letting the players know he supports them. He won’t be a manager who penalizes players for a mistake or two, especially when he asks them to do something that isn’t natural for them (it was Kata’s 40th game at the hot corner since turning pro).
Q: Team roster size has been 25 for as long as I can remember. Yet the number of pitchers that teams are carrying has increased from 10 to 12 in most cases. This leaves only three position players on the bench in the AL and four in the NL, which negatively impacts the overall quality of play. Why not increase the roster size? Is it simply a cost issue?
Jack Thomas
Like other questions, that’s one that has both the simple and not-so-simple answer.
Simply - yes, it’s money. To expand by 2 players per team it would be an extra cost of almost $800,000 per team. That’s another 23 million dollars in salary league wide.
But no sport embraces it’s history like baseball does. Fans like to look at teams from year-to-year and decade-to-decade. More players on each team would make those comparisons harder.
It’s why a large segment of the fan base hates the designated hitter, despite it making for better games (don‘t start with the double switch. Any idiot can figure out a double switch, so don‘t give me strategic reasons. But since you are going to anyway, let me ask you: which requires more strategy: taking a pitcher out of the game because it‘s his turn to hit, or figuring out how long he can stay in the game and still be a help?). Had the DH always been in place, no one would complain.
It’s a maturation of the game, and changing it fundamentally isn’t something likely to happen. The need for more pitchers is caused by better hitters throughout the league. If baseball wanted to stem the tide, doing things like moving the mound closer or raising the height would do the same thing. But again, that’s a change that affects the game at the basic level.
Besides, teams would just carry a 13th pitcher.
Q: I know it is early, but Victor Diaz has followed up his strong spring training with a very hot first couple of weeks in Oklahoma. Does the organization view him as a legitimate option as a replacement for when the Rangers cut bait with Sosa?
Adam Morris
I don’t like it when questions are framed to get a certain answer, Adam. Did you read that book about winning arguments and influencing people?
For that reason alone, I’m not answering.
I do have a question for you, Mr. www.lonestarball.com (see, I’ll mention your site when I answer, too). Do you send Evan like 10 questions a week to increase the chances he’ll put one in with a link, or are you just pen pals so he posts the one that you send him?
I genuinely want to know.
I think I’ll send a question this week so that he can put it in there, and I can answer an email from myself. It’ll be just like that movie Time Cop.
SWEET!
Some guys are at their best when answering emails, so I figured I’d give it a try.
But since no one sends me email questions, I figure I’ll steal that which belongs to someone else.
For years it’s had Ken Daley’s picture alongside Evan’s when I open it. Though I don’t remember Daley ever answering the questions. I know Belo is cheap and therefore hasn‘t changed the banner, but maybe they’ll be so kind to put my picture along side Evan somewhere down the road.
As always with these, I don’t read the answers of the trained professional before answering.
Evan’s original is Here.
Q: It seems to me that the Rangers made a mockery out of the "disabled list" when everyone fully admitted that Eric Gagne was fine but they wanted him to have extra work and kept him in AAA because of the 15-day DL. How can that be? It seems to me you could stash players for strategic reasons on the DL and unfairly expand your roster size. Am I missing something?
Dr. U. in Beaumont, Texas
Doc, I understand that as a (possible) medical stalwart you would have some sort of issue with the teams medical practices. But with a chance that you are some other sort of mumbo-jumbo doc like a chiropractor or medicinal marijuana prescriber, I’d like to remind you that medicine has diagnosed many more diseases and ailments than they have cured since World War I.
While things like ADHD are strictly diagnosed for parents who are too lazy or stupid to understand childhood, I wonder how you are able to pedal your fake wares on the open market as such a stickler for the term disabled. Your profession is the one that took the meaning from the word to begin with.
I also question your use of mockery. It’s not as if the DL is the Constitution or a cell phone contract.
Strategically, you are correct. Teams do use it to give themselves a better chance of winning by maintaining a fully active roster. The unfairness of such is up for debate. Do you think the Rangers are better off for having had Bruce Chen than Eric Gagne to start the season? If Gagne was not “disabled” then you must have some belief that Mike Wood was better suited for the early parts of the season based on talent?
While teams on occasion will use the DL to delay a decision, they still can’t dress more than 25 players on any day, and there is still the prescribed time frame to bring a player back to the roster for strategic purposes.
Ultimately, the meaning of disabled in the phrase “disabled list” is used to describe a player who because of reasons other than general suckiness is unable to perform up to a standard established by his own prior performance.
Q: Assuming you are a thinking man, and if my assumption is accurate, then you must have a feel for which teams are solid contenders, even at this early date. How about a dozen or so top contenders, based on what you've seen so far, and why you think so?
True, this was based on an assumption of Grant, not me, but I’ll take a shot anyway.
The Yankees and Cleveland are solid contenders based on their lineups alone. The Red Sox are also well suited to perform. The White Sox will hit better and the Tigers will pitch better once they get Kenny Rogers and Andrew Miller into big league games.
Learning is based on prior experiences, so I’m going to include the A’s who always find a way to get themselves in the discussion. I’ll also include the Rangers and Angels because the A’s won’t run away with anything. There’s 8 in the AL.
The NL teams: Atlanta, New York, Los Angeles, Arizona.
There is an even dozen. Standings this early are a lot like wins and losses for a pitcher. Partly based on performance, but also on opportunity. Last year the Rangers were on top of their division when May began. However, that was like a Rick Helling 20-win season. Based on opportunity.
So I countered that with talent and past performance. Which is why I’m not ready to write off teams like Philadelphia but you asked for a dozen top contenders, so I have some latitude to be wrong since a minimum of four teams listed above will be home in October. Twelve is a large number out of 32.
Q: I have read the recent press about Nate Gold. I guess the multimillion dollar question is, how does he project at the big league level, and does he give a viable power-hitting option by the All-Star break next season when we might be considering moving our current first baseman? At 26, he needs to get up soon, or do we have the next Steve Balboni on our hands?
Billy, Dallas
By “press” I’m guessing you mean “Newberg Report Message Board?”
He’s older and inexperienced at the upper levels of the minors so his viability is unquestionably questionable. I will question anyone who says that he can replace Mark Teixeira, who also won’t be traded. If Teixeira leaves, it will be because he walks away as a free agent.
For comparisons though, rather than Steve Balboni, I’d say he’s the next Jason Botts.
Nate Gold isn’t SUPPOSED to be a big player, so anything he does to help the parent club is gravy.
Q: What are the pro scouts saying about Sosa? I saw him crush a hanging breaking ball, but I've also seen him overpowered by a couple of fastballs. What's your take on this? Last I checked, the Rangers were last in baseball with production from the 4-6 spots in the order.
I don’t talk to pro scouts, but I also saw Mark Teixeira and Michael Young overpowered by a couple of fastballs.
I’m guessing your last statement means you are ready to be done with Sammy, but the team tried to temper expectations by saying he’d be expected to perform after May 1. He’s shown the ability to hit a homer, and has taken a couple walks lately.
He hasn’t been the teams best hitter, nor has he been the teams worst. I wish I had a more definitive answer on him. I know that Teixeira and Young will be better. I suspect that Kinsler will slow down.
But much like bladders - the older one gets, the less predictable it becomes. The same can be said for younger players, this far Brandon McCarthy has wet the bed. Hopefully Sammy becomes “Depend”able this year, and McCarthy doesn’t have to be flushed from the roster. But we just don’t know, and won’t for a while.
Q: Did the Rangers' pursuit of Eric Gagne in the off-season in any way preclude their search for another outfielder?
Phil, Lincoln, Ill.
For years Ranger fans have talked about needing pitching. Now the team gets pitching and you complain that there’s not more money being dedicated to an outfielder? Phil, I’m disappointed.
The Short Answer:
The availability of outfielders and cost relative to production (both in dollars on the open and trade markets) affected their pursuit of outfielders.
The Long Answer:
An outfield of Manny, Beltran and Vlad would definitely make the team happy. But they don’t operate in a vacuum. There is a budget and dollars allocated to one area can’t be spent elsewhere.
So the contracts to Eric Gagne, Michael Young and Vicente Padilla in some way precluded their search for an outfielder.
However, if there was a player that Jon Daniels wanted bad enough, who wanted to be a Ranger at a price that made sense - then he would be here along with Gagne, Young and Padilla.
Sorry I couldn’t give you another log to throw on your anti-management fire you were hoping to stoke.
Q: Will John Daniels' future as the Rangers GM be tied to how well Brandon McCarthy pitches over the next two years? His first two big trades, the Alfonso Soriano trade and the San Diego trade, have not turned out well, but if Danks out pitches McCarthy, would that be the last straw?
Kevin Olding
Lets use exaggeration to help us think through this.
If Brandon McCarthy goes 0-40 from this point until the end of the 2008 season, while John Danks goes 40-0 and the Texas Rangers win a World Series would you think it prudent to fire Jon Daniels because of McCarthy’s performance?
Jon Daniels job is not solely to make trades. He oversees a major league ball club, and ultimately is responsible for the players brought into and taken out of the system from the lowest rungs of the minors to the 25-man roster. He also hires the people who evaluate and educate those players. He educates those who educate and evaluate on how the team wants to educate and evaluate. He then has to evaluate those who evaluate and educate based on how well they evaluated and educated. That’s just the beginning.
His job is not a simple one.
I can think of few singular moves that would get Jon Daniels fired in the next two years. If he is unemployed it will be because the overall education, evaluation and performance from top to bottom is done at a rate deemed lower than acceptable by ownership.
Also, I would like you to tell me who has more to show this year for the Soriano trade - Texas or Washington? It hasn’t worked out the way Daniels envisioned it when making the trade, but it was the best offer on the table for Soriano.
Washington had him during his best season, and failed to find a trade partner despite being willing to move him. They only have draft picks to show for his contributions to them.
I’d also note: If it were not made, Soriano is likely at second last year, making Ian Kinsler either a rookie this year or a second year player for another franchise.
Each move Daniels makes has a ripple effect, so don’t call a trade an unmitigated disaster or a success based ONLY on the players involved.
Q: If Eric Gagne shows he's ready to be the closer, presumably enhancing the possibility of trading Akinori Otsuka, what do you assess as the need that the Rangers need to address in such a trade, and, of the teams already expressing interest in Otsuka, what do they have that we could use?
David Williams, San Dimas, Calif.
Don’t look for a trade soon, David.
Eric Gagne showing he’s ready to be the closer isn’t what will allow the team to trade Otsuka. Eric Gagne showing he’s able to be the closer for an extended period of time, plus the other members of the bullpen showing their able to step up and replace Otsuka and serve as a contingency plan for Gagne are.
I think you’re more likely to see another member of the bullpen dealt to a team in need, but you didn‘t ask that.
On a larger scale, I think the team will look for long-term solutions in the outfield and more starting pitching in any trade they make.
Cleveland has a cadre of young starting arms including Cliff Lee and Jeremy Sowers. Once Lee is healthy, either of those would be fine centerpieces for a trade with the Indians. If Otsuka is on their roster last year they likely make the playoffs.
Boston has some young outfielders, but solved the problems at the back of their bullpen when they moved Jonathan Palpebon back into the closers role.
One team that makes too much sense, but would never happen: The Astros. They could use someone like Otsuka and the Rangers would no doubt ask for Brad Lidge as part of the return. Hunter Pence would be the guy that the Rangers would covet, though. But it won’t happen.
There was a trade last year that included the Rangers, Astros and Orioles that would have had Lidge on the move (and Hank Blalock). It was vetoed at the ownership level of the Astros who rates his own team’s success just a small step above Ranger failure on the desirable ladder.
Oh, and………. SAN DIMAS HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!
Q: Why in the world was Matt Kata at third [Sunday]? Has he ever played that position? I have never seen one position player have such a negative impact on a game, and still stay in! Where was Hank Blalock? Just a day off?
Derek in Carrollton, Texas
Hank Blalock wasn’t going to play 162 games this season. Likewise, bench players have to get some time in the lineup and Matt Kata had hit reasonably well in his limited role this season. Ron Washington thought he had a favorable match up with Kata in the lineup that day, so he got the start.
No one knows better than Ron Washington how horrible a day it was at the yard for Kata. But he knows that it is just one game. With hopes to make the playoffs Wash knows that he is going to have to get some performance out of everyone on the roster.
His style is to get that performance by letting the players know he supports them. He won’t be a manager who penalizes players for a mistake or two, especially when he asks them to do something that isn’t natural for them (it was Kata’s 40th game at the hot corner since turning pro).
Q: Team roster size has been 25 for as long as I can remember. Yet the number of pitchers that teams are carrying has increased from 10 to 12 in most cases. This leaves only three position players on the bench in the AL and four in the NL, which negatively impacts the overall quality of play. Why not increase the roster size? Is it simply a cost issue?
Jack Thomas
Like other questions, that’s one that has both the simple and not-so-simple answer.
Simply - yes, it’s money. To expand by 2 players per team it would be an extra cost of almost $800,000 per team. That’s another 23 million dollars in salary league wide.
But no sport embraces it’s history like baseball does. Fans like to look at teams from year-to-year and decade-to-decade. More players on each team would make those comparisons harder.
It’s why a large segment of the fan base hates the designated hitter, despite it making for better games (don‘t start with the double switch. Any idiot can figure out a double switch, so don‘t give me strategic reasons. But since you are going to anyway, let me ask you: which requires more strategy: taking a pitcher out of the game because it‘s his turn to hit, or figuring out how long he can stay in the game and still be a help?). Had the DH always been in place, no one would complain.
It’s a maturation of the game, and changing it fundamentally isn’t something likely to happen. The need for more pitchers is caused by better hitters throughout the league. If baseball wanted to stem the tide, doing things like moving the mound closer or raising the height would do the same thing. But again, that’s a change that affects the game at the basic level.
Besides, teams would just carry a 13th pitcher.
Q: I know it is early, but Victor Diaz has followed up his strong spring training with a very hot first couple of weeks in Oklahoma. Does the organization view him as a legitimate option as a replacement for when the Rangers cut bait with Sosa?
Adam Morris
I don’t like it when questions are framed to get a certain answer, Adam. Did you read that book about winning arguments and influencing people?
For that reason alone, I’m not answering.
I do have a question for you, Mr. www.lonestarball.com (see, I’ll mention your site when I answer, too). Do you send Evan like 10 questions a week to increase the chances he’ll put one in with a link, or are you just pen pals so he posts the one that you send him?
I genuinely want to know.
I think I’ll send a question this week so that he can put it in there, and I can answer an email from myself. It’ll be just like that movie Time Cop.
SWEET!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Yup, These are his Readers
Seems Bill Simmons HAD recently done a mailbag and I just missed it since, well, the only thing The Sports Wife is writing is something about a reality TV show. So here we go, the first installment of “Yup, These are his readers.”
Let the Karate Kid jokes commence.
Q: After reading your Basketball Blog and re-listening to the YouTube clips, I am now even more convinced that Gus Johnson deserves a nickname that reflects his rabid approach to calling a game. Might I propose: GuJo?
--Adam, Reading, Mass.
GuJo sounds too much like some hippy coffee that will cost $6 at Starbucks. I was there the other day, and my Barist.. Wait, this isn’t a Peter King mailbag.
Seriously though, are we now at the saturation point from Bermanisms where nicknames are based on your actual name than some physical anomaly?
Everyone having a name-based nickname is what has spawned people giving their kids stupid names. You can name your kid Fish Tank these days cause you know everyone’s going to call him FiTy… and that sounds gangsta, yo.
So, no. No nickname.
Q: Can we start calling Kevin Durant "The Durantula?" He's big, he's dangerous and even a little spidery at times.
--Dan Cote, Washington, D.C.
One time Al Bundy sung a parody of “Day-O.” In there, he used the phrase “Still I sit here with my hand in my…pantula.”
Admit it, that’s where you ripped this off from.
But to answer, no. You can call him Kevin Durant.
Q: How much does Jack Bauer get paid? Would A-Fraud's contract be enough for him or should President Palmer just go ahead and agree to put his face on the front of $100 bills? After all the s--- he has been through I just want to know what he is thinking when he gets his check. How much could Scott Boras get him when his contract is up at CTU?
--Chris D., Altoona, Pa.
What part of Jack’s demeanor suggests to you that he wants the ego trip of having his name on money?
Jack doesn’t do anything for the acclaim, Jack does it cause he’s a Patriot.
Jack also hasn’t worked under contract at CTU for years, dummy. Department of Defense, bad-assed individual with a green knapsack, and former Chinese Captive have taken the last several years of 24 time.
Someone with such a rudimentary understanding of “24” mythos has no right watching the show, much less sending an email.
Go watch Gray’s Anatomy.
Q: Every time I see Joakim Noah play I can't help but smirk in anticipation for the day that Florida repeats as national champion, when he whips out his (her) breasts during the trophy presentation like Joyce Hyser in "Just One of the Guys," with David Stern appearing from the shadows to throw a Detroit Shock jersey on him and the Sports Guy screaming, "Nooooooooooooooo!" at home. I assume this will finally make you a WNBA fan?
--Mike, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
I was one of the guys who made the “Noah should go pro, he’d be the undisputed #1 pick in the WNBA” jokes last year.
They got tired sometime between last years semi-final and the UCLA blowout.
The fact that you people can’t send better emails for me to rip off disappoints me.
The fact that Simmons went back to the well on this one disappoints me.
The fact that WNBA jokes are now trite and old, makes me sad. At least I still have soccer.
Q: While tailgating at Giants Stadium, we came up with the next best sports game show guaranteed to be 10,000 times better than trying to stump the Schwab. ... It's called "Heckle." In it, you go through three rounds. First round you heckle a particular player of a team you hate, then you heckle a particular fan of a team you hate, then in the final round you have to heckle a random team. We have three judges and the winner gets 15 seconds to make his "cross the line" statements such as saying to the Saints, "[editor's note: this joke was too tasteless to run]." Tell me this doesn't have great show all over it?
--Mike P, Cockeysville, Md.
That doesn’t have great show all over it. You happy?
Obviously this email was simply a set up for the joke about the Saints. When someone at the Four-Letter Devil decided that it was too tasteless to run, they should have decided that the email was then too stupid to run.
Thanks for nothing.
Q: I think it's time for the Hartford Civic Center to remove all the banners of the Hartford Whalers from its rafters. That place is like a guy who got dumped by some girl 10 years ago but still has pictures of her on his wall from a trip they took to Mount Washington in '91.
--Jeff from Manhattan, N.Y.
It’s rather odd that an email that talks about letting go of the past is ripped off from an Adam Sandler segment from SNL.
But to the point of your question, you still have your Little League trophies, huh? Did you throw out your high school yearbook, despite the fact that you haven’t been cool in a decade. And you still walk around with a penis, despite the fact that you were emasculated years ago.
People in glass houses Jeff from Manhattan, people in glass houses.
Q: Has Pacman Jones entered the "Tyson Zone?"
--Paul, Paris
I doubt it. You don’t go into Mike Tyson’s strip club and start throwing around singles. People who need to feel important by throwing around several thousand one dollar bills tend to avoid places where they can get their ass kicked, and Tyson could go through his whole posse, guns and all.
Is it odd that “Tyson Zone” has to be a strip club, though? You didn’t wonder about it, it’s just what it HAS to be. Not for one second did you consider an establishment with Mike Tyson as a namesake could be a Chuck E. Cheese-esque fun place.
Are there any fabrics to be avoided?
I actually copied this question from a mailbag that my wife had open to make a joke.
But then I continued with these questions, and well, the joke lost any humor. Keep reading, and you’ll see.
Q: They need to just put Favre on the cover of "Madden" and end this once and for all.
--Robert, Ann Arbor, Mich.
This year’s cover is hopefully saved for Drew Brees, Payton Manning or Tom Brady.
Just think though Robert, had your owner not liked Matt Millen on TV, it could very well be “Millen ‘08” that’s hitting stores.
Q: I find myself actively HATING the new Red Sox. Since winning it all in 2004, it has been a complete nightmare for me -- from the out of control bandwagon of Pink Hat wearers, etc., to the Chavez Ravine-esque feel of games at Fenway now (arrive in the third, leave in the seventh!), to the well-moneyed cabal of front office carpetbaggers with a "hometown boy" dangling at the forefront like a Tammany Hall vote wrangler at the docks of old Manhattan, to the string of bad personnel moves -- we are mirroring EVERY SINGLE bad aspect of the post-2000 Yankees. Everything that every fiber of my being loathes. Their obsession with catching up to the Yankees has made them forget about what got us the title in the first place: a TEAM.
--C. Fleming, Boston, Mass.
Well, join the rest of us that always hated the Red Sox.
If the Yankees are the Evil Empire, the Red Sox are C.O.B.R.A. - always foiled despite endless means because management’s always fell victim to hubris.
It was the Red Sox who gave Manny $200 million. They took a salary dump to get Pedro Martinez. And they also benefit from the biases of the Four-Letter Devil.
The only thing that separated Sox and Yankee fans were that the Yankee fans actually HAD a reason to be pompous asses. Sox fans were that way because they were from Boston.
The Sox were never a TEAM, they were a big market, high payroll team. Let’s cut out the whole notion that the ‘04 Sox were somehow an underdog story, k?
Q: You hate Duke because you are bitter you had to go to [Community College] ... you wouldn't have sniffed Duke.
--Becky, Seattle
If I hated every establishment that wouldn’t have me, do you realize how cynical and sarcastic that would make me?
Q: Sports Guy, you are in charge of making sure that Durant does not show up draft night wearing a cream-white suit and a green Celtics cap.
--David, Woonsocket, R.I.
Remember the question above regarding fabric? Here’s an actual one. Made trying to sneak one in there not funny since he’s actually GETTING these questions, and answering them.
The only person who can make sports and clothing work is Paul Lukas. Direct your question to him.
Q: So me and my buddies were making a team in NFL Street and decided to make Jesus Christ our running back. We gave him the beard, long hair and torn clothes. Turns out, he's amazing! You think the pass is incomplete and all of a sudden, here comes Jesus flying to make a diving catch. Do you think this would work in other sports games? I'm curious as to whether it will work in a basketball game considering Jesus was only like 5-feet tall.
--Colin M, Attleboro, Mass.
Colin, enjoy hell.
Q: When did the undershirt go out of style in college basketball and can Roy Hibbert bring it back?
--Alan, Colorado Springs, Colo.
www.uniwatchblog.com for CRYING OUT LOUD.
Q: You mentioned the luck of the '02 Pats and '06 Steelers. Obviously you are referring to the year they won the Super Bowl, but weren't they really the '01 Pats and the '05 Steelers? What is the proper terminology here?
--Jim K., Denver
He’s wrong, you’re right. I don’t read his answers before hand since I don’t want to rip off a Ziggy, but I’m going to be interested to see if he tried to defend being stupid, or admitted his error and move on.
Q: Wondering if you could settle an argument between me and my buddies? We were discussing how many sexual partners Jenny had in "Forrest Gump." Everyone seems to think the over/under should be set at 250. I argued that it's got to be at least 500. And that's conservative. Keep in mind she was a hippie, drug addict in the '60s the time of free love. She was naked on stage playing an acoustic guitar. She was molested by her father. I'm pretty sure she took down that whole Black Panther rally. Am I way off here? I'm not saying she's a bad person. But if a hot girl has sex with someone like Forrest, chances are she's got a bad case of the "Ben Stillers" -- i.e. she can't say "no." Now that I think about it, I'm saying a grand easy.
-- Keith, Hermosa Beach, Calif.
I have no earthly idea, but I’m setting your number at 2... And betting heavily on the under.
But on the topic of relations in Forrest Gump: You know how I could tell Jenny loved Forrest? When she cared enough to get him past that awkward 30-seconds to glory.
Q: Plain and simple: So how was the Art Shell Era for you??
--John, Cleveland
Hey! (Insert something about Mr. Miagi)!
Q: Regarding your comment about your life being a DVD you could pop in at any time -- that is my worst nightmare. In fact, I have a theory that when I die and arrive at the pearly gates, God is going to HAVE that DVD, and he is going to make me watch it. All those drunken nights in college when I made-out (or worse) with some ugly loser, all the times I said something insanely embarrassing and inappropriate when completely wasted, all the nights I thought I was a good dancer, all the times I puked and came out of the party looking like Britney Spears ... you know, those things that cobwebs have conveniently allowed me to "forget" happened. Not to mention what happened during any official unfortunate "blackout." Yeah, God has it all on tape and he's going to humiliate me with it, and he's going to want answers. For good measure, he might show it to my parents when THEY arrive up there. Can you imagine? The horror!
--Amanda, Blue Bell, Pa.
Should have tried to not be such a whore then, huh?
Q: I fancy myself something of a dead-eye at staring contests, having bested all comers of all species in my (admittedly short) lifetime. Which led me to wonder, who would win a celebrity athletes staring contest? The basic rule would be that a strict poker face has to be maintained until one contestant breaks a smile or flinches. I'd like to see the following competitors go at it: Tiger Woods, Phil Ivey, Dikembe Mutumbo, Rasheed Wallace, Clemens, Pedro (my dark horse pick; dude is scary intense), Ray Lewis, Brett Favre, Michael Jordan. This should be part of an annual special -- a decathlon of essentially trivial events featuring the most competitive athletes in the world. Staring contests, simple card games, mini golf, ping pong, HORSE, rock paper scissors, etc. It would be like Superstars except, instead of focusing on athleticism and skill, it would emphasize pure competitiveness and intimidation. Tell me you wouldn't watch this.
--Hilaire, Washington, D.C.
I’d hope you’d be pretty good at staring contests, seeing as how you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. With ideas like this, it can't be easy.
Q: I was in Toronto during the NFL playoffs and during one of the games, the "This is Our Country" commercial came on, only it wasn't fire fighters and steel workers. It featured elk (yeah the animal), people playing hockey on a pond, and finished with an image of some clip from the '80s of an Olympic player whom I could not identify donning a Team Canada jersey. Definitely an 7.0 on the unintentional comedy scale, but at the same time I was a little offended by the rip off. I thought to myself, "Hey this isn't my country!" What do you think Bill?
--Jack Crouse, Philly
I think that shots of Americana wouldn’t really sell cars in the Great White North.
I can’t wait for the YouTube version from Russia that shows people waiting for toilet paper, antiquated military vehicles and a fashion show featuring drab clothing.
Q: I'm now convinced that all men do the following three things at some point in their life: (1) seriously contemplate opening a bar with a bunch of buddies; (2) toss around the idea of writing a book about their college years; and (3) contemplate if a relationship with a stripper could work.
--Ian T., Charlotte, N.C.
Perhaps I need more friends, or should have entered a strip club more than one time in my life so I won’t comment on the first and third ideas.
However, if these are the type of things you contemplate, don’t bother with the book. No one would read it.
Q: So in other words, you were handed your lunch by your wife making football picks, proceeded to rave about Miami for six days, ignored the Colts because you're such a pathetic homer, met Tom Brady, which led to damp stains underneath, then got your ass kicked in a go-kart race by another woman and a cheesy Hollywood schmuck. You just earned pole position as the star of the next Vagina Monologues.
--Jon Picou, Paradise
I’ve heard of the “Vagina Monologues,” but can say I have no idea what network they are on, or what they address.
This realization has made the last 90 minutes I’ve spent answering someone else’s email a positive experience for me. Jon, thank you.
Q: I'm an overweight, alcoholic, factory worker from Georgia. I'm 30, my life sucks, and I drive an '85 Honda Accord. One of the very few bright spots of my otherwise miserable life is reading your columns. Keep up the good work.
--Brad, Stilson, Ga.
See people, Honda’s never break.
But we put this mail in here because the Simmons-centric number of emails was just not great enough to feed the ego thus far.
As an added bonus, this one can be counted as "funny" so we still have room for a real ego trip email.
Q: I have a man-crush on you. There, I said it.
--Joey Tiefenbach, Regina, Saskatchewan
And there it is. Remember the Ian Ziering man-crush on Luke Perry? Yeah, me neither, I have a penis so I didn't watch 90210.
Q: It's 1:26 on Saturday night. I was out with my wife a little bit earlier, so we did some drinking. She went to bed about an hour ago, so I am literally sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and reading your book (that's not gratuitous -- it's time for me to finish it) while watching TV. At 1 am, "Full Metal Jacket" came on channel 212, so I tuned in. At 1:10, "Naked and Betrayed" began showing on channel 211 (Skinemax). Why not, right? So I tuned in for the first "Obviously, we'll have nudes within 30 seconds" scene. Sure enough ... except when this girl got naked, she was wearing a nicotine patch up between her shoulder blades! It was clear as the fact that sports radio guys are idiots, and yet they let it in. I understand the need for patches in certain, um, places during soft porn, but a nicotine patch in a nude scene? Could there possibly be anything less exciting than for the supposedly attractive girls in these movies to be shown as the down-on-their-luck, things-didn't-work-out, just-trying-to-make-a-buck unfortunates that they are? Seriously, how do these movies serve their, um, purpose with nicotine patches on the ladies? I have more questions on this topic, but I really want an answer, so I'll stop here.
PS: In the 15 minutes I've been writing this, "Naked and Betrayed" has picked up considerably. But I still can't get over the nicotine patch.
--Jude G., New York
This is a rather long question, Jude.
First, nicely done on the verbal fellatiation of Simmons. Second, why bother mentioning Full Metal Jacket, your wife and beer? Third, nicotine patch? Does seem odd, but I was probably a band-aid covering up a tattoo of the actress’ misspelling of a proverb.
Q: Why do I get the feeling that in about five years there will be a Buster Olney-esque book about the "Last Night of the Patriots Dynasty" written by Michael Smith.
--Jason, Richmond, Va.
True, the Patriots did win three rings in four years. However, in the other year they missed the playoffs. They weren’t beaten by a team that had everything come together like the ‘94 Cowboys.
They were beaten by everyone.
A dynasty doesn’t take a year off, so the entire premise of your question is incorrect.
Q: Every week I check my wife's US Weekly to see if you and the Sports Gal have reached celebrity status. When it finally happens, what will you be doing that makes you "just like us?"
--Keith, San Fran
Yeah, the US Weekly belongs to your “wife.”
Q: Can we just say once and for all that an NBA player contract can't be voided unless said player is caught red-handed carving up bodies in a mass murder ritual?
--Mark, Sydney
I’m not sure if this is because of too many failed attempts to void contracts, or too many contracts being voided.
See, no one gives a rat’s ass about the NBA or follows it regularly.
Random pop culture reference to show I’m hip: Avoid the Noid!
Q: I was just paging through your Red Sox book, getting myself into the mood for the upcoming season, when I noticed in your October 20, 2004 column you wrote that "A-Rod is a liar and a cheater of the highest order -- the kind that would turn over an R in Scrabble and pretend it's a blank tile." Flash back in my mind to reading the Sports Gal's NCAA picks where she reveals that after six months of dating you turned a letter over and pretended it was a blank, and she didn't realize until the end of the game. Care to defend yourself on this point, or are you really that comfortable being filed in the same category as A-Rod?
--Daniel, Manchester, N.H.
I read about this on Deadspin.com weeks ago. Daniel, plagiarize much?
Q: I think there is a problem with ESPN.com -- the main headline has to do with women's basketball. Please inform your webmaster right away of the error! Thanks! A concerned reader.
--Scott, Dallas
See Scott, it’s not an error. ESPN holds the rights to several wome… You know this. Not wasting my time.
Nothing has made women’s basketball be discussed positively in the mainstream like Imus.
He’s going to end up being the patron saint of women’s hoops.
Q: I wanted your thoughts on what is the best possible movie scene we could have Gus Johnson do the voice-over for? I have it narrowed down to the scene in "American Pie" when Jim and Nadia are in his bedroom for the first time, or the entire male rape scene in "Pulp Fiction."
--Chris D., Pennsylvania
Simmons probably thought about this and gave a legit answer. It’s an interesting premise, and I’m going to pass on belittling it.
Q: I had to tell you I had my vasectomy today! As I stripped to nothingness and put on the all-encompassing "sheet" they have you wear, the hottest nurse I've ever seen walks through the door. Of course, I was concerned at getting "excited," so I have to think of something to control the senses! What happens?? I start thinking about your columns! I even laughed out loud when the nurse asked why. For the love of all that is holy, I couldn't say it out loud! Thought you should know.
--JSG, Tucson, Ariz.
There are certain things that you should keep to yourself.
Were there even a 1% possibility of this story being true, it would be one of those.
Q: Simmons (I hope you don't mind, but that's how we refer to you in my house),
My husband and I figured that there might actually be a handful (or more) of people who decide to FedEx their turd sandwiches to their respective team/coach/ex-coach. We decided the occasion called for a delicious recipe. Bon appetit!
Ingredients
[Edited recipe]
Remove from heat and top with baby spinach, tomato leaves and a pinch of salt and pepper. Cut into four equal portions.
Serve with a side of roasted asparagus.
--Jennifer, Lafayette, La.
You and your husband are obviously idiots. Not for putting this stupid recipe together, obviously as a mere tool to get Simmons to publish your name.
But you suggest mailing a sandwich to an individual, then direct people to cut it into four equal portions. Doesn’t really seem like a sandwich people would share.
So consider that hour of your life a complete waste since you were unable to even make your stupid idea coherent.
I’d like to make two of these sandwiches and mail them to you and your husband. Actually, make it one that you guys can cut into four portions and share with your children. Spawning from you, I’m sure they deserve it as well.
------------------------------------------------------
There, that took me a whole two hours to compose, yet Simmons acts like it takes forever and is work.
I’ll give him an extra hour since it’s actually his vocation, but if he spends more than that pondering responses to THESE questions, he really needs better comprehension.
Oh, and I’ve tried to stay out of the Imus fray for the most part, but it’s at the point now where I feel I have to address it.
I’ll do it sometime this weekend around attending a Cowboy Mouth concert and mowing the yard.
Let the Karate Kid jokes commence.
Q: After reading your Basketball Blog and re-listening to the YouTube clips, I am now even more convinced that Gus Johnson deserves a nickname that reflects his rabid approach to calling a game. Might I propose: GuJo?
--Adam, Reading, Mass.
GuJo sounds too much like some hippy coffee that will cost $6 at Starbucks. I was there the other day, and my Barist.. Wait, this isn’t a Peter King mailbag.
Seriously though, are we now at the saturation point from Bermanisms where nicknames are based on your actual name than some physical anomaly?
Everyone having a name-based nickname is what has spawned people giving their kids stupid names. You can name your kid Fish Tank these days cause you know everyone’s going to call him FiTy… and that sounds gangsta, yo.
So, no. No nickname.
Q: Can we start calling Kevin Durant "The Durantula?" He's big, he's dangerous and even a little spidery at times.
--Dan Cote, Washington, D.C.
One time Al Bundy sung a parody of “Day-O.” In there, he used the phrase “Still I sit here with my hand in my…pantula.”
Admit it, that’s where you ripped this off from.
But to answer, no. You can call him Kevin Durant.
Q: How much does Jack Bauer get paid? Would A-Fraud's contract be enough for him or should President Palmer just go ahead and agree to put his face on the front of $100 bills? After all the s--- he has been through I just want to know what he is thinking when he gets his check. How much could Scott Boras get him when his contract is up at CTU?
--Chris D., Altoona, Pa.
What part of Jack’s demeanor suggests to you that he wants the ego trip of having his name on money?
Jack doesn’t do anything for the acclaim, Jack does it cause he’s a Patriot.
Jack also hasn’t worked under contract at CTU for years, dummy. Department of Defense, bad-assed individual with a green knapsack, and former Chinese Captive have taken the last several years of 24 time.
Someone with such a rudimentary understanding of “24” mythos has no right watching the show, much less sending an email.
Go watch Gray’s Anatomy.
Q: Every time I see Joakim Noah play I can't help but smirk in anticipation for the day that Florida repeats as national champion, when he whips out his (her) breasts during the trophy presentation like Joyce Hyser in "Just One of the Guys," with David Stern appearing from the shadows to throw a Detroit Shock jersey on him and the Sports Guy screaming, "Nooooooooooooooo!" at home. I assume this will finally make you a WNBA fan?
--Mike, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
I was one of the guys who made the “Noah should go pro, he’d be the undisputed #1 pick in the WNBA” jokes last year.
They got tired sometime between last years semi-final and the UCLA blowout.
The fact that you people can’t send better emails for me to rip off disappoints me.
The fact that Simmons went back to the well on this one disappoints me.
The fact that WNBA jokes are now trite and old, makes me sad. At least I still have soccer.
Q: While tailgating at Giants Stadium, we came up with the next best sports game show guaranteed to be 10,000 times better than trying to stump the Schwab. ... It's called "Heckle." In it, you go through three rounds. First round you heckle a particular player of a team you hate, then you heckle a particular fan of a team you hate, then in the final round you have to heckle a random team. We have three judges and the winner gets 15 seconds to make his "cross the line" statements such as saying to the Saints, "[editor's note: this joke was too tasteless to run]." Tell me this doesn't have great show all over it?
--Mike P, Cockeysville, Md.
That doesn’t have great show all over it. You happy?
Obviously this email was simply a set up for the joke about the Saints. When someone at the Four-Letter Devil decided that it was too tasteless to run, they should have decided that the email was then too stupid to run.
Thanks for nothing.
Q: I think it's time for the Hartford Civic Center to remove all the banners of the Hartford Whalers from its rafters. That place is like a guy who got dumped by some girl 10 years ago but still has pictures of her on his wall from a trip they took to Mount Washington in '91.
--Jeff from Manhattan, N.Y.
It’s rather odd that an email that talks about letting go of the past is ripped off from an Adam Sandler segment from SNL.
But to the point of your question, you still have your Little League trophies, huh? Did you throw out your high school yearbook, despite the fact that you haven’t been cool in a decade. And you still walk around with a penis, despite the fact that you were emasculated years ago.
People in glass houses Jeff from Manhattan, people in glass houses.
Q: Has Pacman Jones entered the "Tyson Zone?"
--Paul, Paris
I doubt it. You don’t go into Mike Tyson’s strip club and start throwing around singles. People who need to feel important by throwing around several thousand one dollar bills tend to avoid places where they can get their ass kicked, and Tyson could go through his whole posse, guns and all.
Is it odd that “Tyson Zone” has to be a strip club, though? You didn’t wonder about it, it’s just what it HAS to be. Not for one second did you consider an establishment with Mike Tyson as a namesake could be a Chuck E. Cheese-esque fun place.
Are there any fabrics to be avoided?
I actually copied this question from a mailbag that my wife had open to make a joke.
But then I continued with these questions, and well, the joke lost any humor. Keep reading, and you’ll see.
Q: They need to just put Favre on the cover of "Madden" and end this once and for all.
--Robert, Ann Arbor, Mich.
This year’s cover is hopefully saved for Drew Brees, Payton Manning or Tom Brady.
Just think though Robert, had your owner not liked Matt Millen on TV, it could very well be “Millen ‘08” that’s hitting stores.
Q: I find myself actively HATING the new Red Sox. Since winning it all in 2004, it has been a complete nightmare for me -- from the out of control bandwagon of Pink Hat wearers, etc., to the Chavez Ravine-esque feel of games at Fenway now (arrive in the third, leave in the seventh!), to the well-moneyed cabal of front office carpetbaggers with a "hometown boy" dangling at the forefront like a Tammany Hall vote wrangler at the docks of old Manhattan, to the string of bad personnel moves -- we are mirroring EVERY SINGLE bad aspect of the post-2000 Yankees. Everything that every fiber of my being loathes. Their obsession with catching up to the Yankees has made them forget about what got us the title in the first place: a TEAM.
--C. Fleming, Boston, Mass.
Well, join the rest of us that always hated the Red Sox.
If the Yankees are the Evil Empire, the Red Sox are C.O.B.R.A. - always foiled despite endless means because management’s always fell victim to hubris.
It was the Red Sox who gave Manny $200 million. They took a salary dump to get Pedro Martinez. And they also benefit from the biases of the Four-Letter Devil.
The only thing that separated Sox and Yankee fans were that the Yankee fans actually HAD a reason to be pompous asses. Sox fans were that way because they were from Boston.
The Sox were never a TEAM, they were a big market, high payroll team. Let’s cut out the whole notion that the ‘04 Sox were somehow an underdog story, k?
Q: You hate Duke because you are bitter you had to go to [Community College] ... you wouldn't have sniffed Duke.
--Becky, Seattle
If I hated every establishment that wouldn’t have me, do you realize how cynical and sarcastic that would make me?
Q: Sports Guy, you are in charge of making sure that Durant does not show up draft night wearing a cream-white suit and a green Celtics cap.
--David, Woonsocket, R.I.
Remember the question above regarding fabric? Here’s an actual one. Made trying to sneak one in there not funny since he’s actually GETTING these questions, and answering them.
The only person who can make sports and clothing work is Paul Lukas. Direct your question to him.
Q: So me and my buddies were making a team in NFL Street and decided to make Jesus Christ our running back. We gave him the beard, long hair and torn clothes. Turns out, he's amazing! You think the pass is incomplete and all of a sudden, here comes Jesus flying to make a diving catch. Do you think this would work in other sports games? I'm curious as to whether it will work in a basketball game considering Jesus was only like 5-feet tall.
--Colin M, Attleboro, Mass.
Colin, enjoy hell.
Q: When did the undershirt go out of style in college basketball and can Roy Hibbert bring it back?
--Alan, Colorado Springs, Colo.
www.uniwatchblog.com for CRYING OUT LOUD.
Q: You mentioned the luck of the '02 Pats and '06 Steelers. Obviously you are referring to the year they won the Super Bowl, but weren't they really the '01 Pats and the '05 Steelers? What is the proper terminology here?
--Jim K., Denver
He’s wrong, you’re right. I don’t read his answers before hand since I don’t want to rip off a Ziggy, but I’m going to be interested to see if he tried to defend being stupid, or admitted his error and move on.
Q: Wondering if you could settle an argument between me and my buddies? We were discussing how many sexual partners Jenny had in "Forrest Gump." Everyone seems to think the over/under should be set at 250. I argued that it's got to be at least 500. And that's conservative. Keep in mind she was a hippie, drug addict in the '60s the time of free love. She was naked on stage playing an acoustic guitar. She was molested by her father. I'm pretty sure she took down that whole Black Panther rally. Am I way off here? I'm not saying she's a bad person. But if a hot girl has sex with someone like Forrest, chances are she's got a bad case of the "Ben Stillers" -- i.e. she can't say "no." Now that I think about it, I'm saying a grand easy.
-- Keith, Hermosa Beach, Calif.
I have no earthly idea, but I’m setting your number at 2... And betting heavily on the under.
But on the topic of relations in Forrest Gump: You know how I could tell Jenny loved Forrest? When she cared enough to get him past that awkward 30-seconds to glory.
Q: Plain and simple: So how was the Art Shell Era for you??
--John, Cleveland
Hey! (Insert something about Mr. Miagi)!
Q: Regarding your comment about your life being a DVD you could pop in at any time -- that is my worst nightmare. In fact, I have a theory that when I die and arrive at the pearly gates, God is going to HAVE that DVD, and he is going to make me watch it. All those drunken nights in college when I made-out (or worse) with some ugly loser, all the times I said something insanely embarrassing and inappropriate when completely wasted, all the nights I thought I was a good dancer, all the times I puked and came out of the party looking like Britney Spears ... you know, those things that cobwebs have conveniently allowed me to "forget" happened. Not to mention what happened during any official unfortunate "blackout." Yeah, God has it all on tape and he's going to humiliate me with it, and he's going to want answers. For good measure, he might show it to my parents when THEY arrive up there. Can you imagine? The horror!
--Amanda, Blue Bell, Pa.
Should have tried to not be such a whore then, huh?
Q: I fancy myself something of a dead-eye at staring contests, having bested all comers of all species in my (admittedly short) lifetime. Which led me to wonder, who would win a celebrity athletes staring contest? The basic rule would be that a strict poker face has to be maintained until one contestant breaks a smile or flinches. I'd like to see the following competitors go at it: Tiger Woods, Phil Ivey, Dikembe Mutumbo, Rasheed Wallace, Clemens, Pedro (my dark horse pick; dude is scary intense), Ray Lewis, Brett Favre, Michael Jordan. This should be part of an annual special -- a decathlon of essentially trivial events featuring the most competitive athletes in the world. Staring contests, simple card games, mini golf, ping pong, HORSE, rock paper scissors, etc. It would be like Superstars except, instead of focusing on athleticism and skill, it would emphasize pure competitiveness and intimidation. Tell me you wouldn't watch this.
--Hilaire, Washington, D.C.
I’d hope you’d be pretty good at staring contests, seeing as how you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. With ideas like this, it can't be easy.
Q: I was in Toronto during the NFL playoffs and during one of the games, the "This is Our Country" commercial came on, only it wasn't fire fighters and steel workers. It featured elk (yeah the animal), people playing hockey on a pond, and finished with an image of some clip from the '80s of an Olympic player whom I could not identify donning a Team Canada jersey. Definitely an 7.0 on the unintentional comedy scale, but at the same time I was a little offended by the rip off. I thought to myself, "Hey this isn't my country!" What do you think Bill?
--Jack Crouse, Philly
I think that shots of Americana wouldn’t really sell cars in the Great White North.
I can’t wait for the YouTube version from Russia that shows people waiting for toilet paper, antiquated military vehicles and a fashion show featuring drab clothing.
Q: I'm now convinced that all men do the following three things at some point in their life: (1) seriously contemplate opening a bar with a bunch of buddies; (2) toss around the idea of writing a book about their college years; and (3) contemplate if a relationship with a stripper could work.
--Ian T., Charlotte, N.C.
Perhaps I need more friends, or should have entered a strip club more than one time in my life so I won’t comment on the first and third ideas.
However, if these are the type of things you contemplate, don’t bother with the book. No one would read it.
Q: So in other words, you were handed your lunch by your wife making football picks, proceeded to rave about Miami for six days, ignored the Colts because you're such a pathetic homer, met Tom Brady, which led to damp stains underneath, then got your ass kicked in a go-kart race by another woman and a cheesy Hollywood schmuck. You just earned pole position as the star of the next Vagina Monologues.
--Jon Picou, Paradise
I’ve heard of the “Vagina Monologues,” but can say I have no idea what network they are on, or what they address.
This realization has made the last 90 minutes I’ve spent answering someone else’s email a positive experience for me. Jon, thank you.
Q: I'm an overweight, alcoholic, factory worker from Georgia. I'm 30, my life sucks, and I drive an '85 Honda Accord. One of the very few bright spots of my otherwise miserable life is reading your columns. Keep up the good work.
--Brad, Stilson, Ga.
See people, Honda’s never break.
But we put this mail in here because the Simmons-centric number of emails was just not great enough to feed the ego thus far.
As an added bonus, this one can be counted as "funny" so we still have room for a real ego trip email.
Q: I have a man-crush on you. There, I said it.
--Joey Tiefenbach, Regina, Saskatchewan
And there it is. Remember the Ian Ziering man-crush on Luke Perry? Yeah, me neither, I have a penis so I didn't watch 90210.
Q: It's 1:26 on Saturday night. I was out with my wife a little bit earlier, so we did some drinking. She went to bed about an hour ago, so I am literally sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and reading your book (that's not gratuitous -- it's time for me to finish it) while watching TV. At 1 am, "Full Metal Jacket" came on channel 212, so I tuned in. At 1:10, "Naked and Betrayed" began showing on channel 211 (Skinemax). Why not, right? So I tuned in for the first "Obviously, we'll have nudes within 30 seconds" scene. Sure enough ... except when this girl got naked, she was wearing a nicotine patch up between her shoulder blades! It was clear as the fact that sports radio guys are idiots, and yet they let it in. I understand the need for patches in certain, um, places during soft porn, but a nicotine patch in a nude scene? Could there possibly be anything less exciting than for the supposedly attractive girls in these movies to be shown as the down-on-their-luck, things-didn't-work-out, just-trying-to-make-a-buck unfortunates that they are? Seriously, how do these movies serve their, um, purpose with nicotine patches on the ladies? I have more questions on this topic, but I really want an answer, so I'll stop here.
PS: In the 15 minutes I've been writing this, "Naked and Betrayed" has picked up considerably. But I still can't get over the nicotine patch.
--Jude G., New York
This is a rather long question, Jude.
First, nicely done on the verbal fellatiation of Simmons. Second, why bother mentioning Full Metal Jacket, your wife and beer? Third, nicotine patch? Does seem odd, but I was probably a band-aid covering up a tattoo of the actress’ misspelling of a proverb.
Q: Why do I get the feeling that in about five years there will be a Buster Olney-esque book about the "Last Night of the Patriots Dynasty" written by Michael Smith.
--Jason, Richmond, Va.
True, the Patriots did win three rings in four years. However, in the other year they missed the playoffs. They weren’t beaten by a team that had everything come together like the ‘94 Cowboys.
They were beaten by everyone.
A dynasty doesn’t take a year off, so the entire premise of your question is incorrect.
Q: Every week I check my wife's US Weekly to see if you and the Sports Gal have reached celebrity status. When it finally happens, what will you be doing that makes you "just like us?"
--Keith, San Fran
Yeah, the US Weekly belongs to your “wife.”
Q: Can we just say once and for all that an NBA player contract can't be voided unless said player is caught red-handed carving up bodies in a mass murder ritual?
--Mark, Sydney
I’m not sure if this is because of too many failed attempts to void contracts, or too many contracts being voided.
See, no one gives a rat’s ass about the NBA or follows it regularly.
Random pop culture reference to show I’m hip: Avoid the Noid!
Q: I was just paging through your Red Sox book, getting myself into the mood for the upcoming season, when I noticed in your October 20, 2004 column you wrote that "A-Rod is a liar and a cheater of the highest order -- the kind that would turn over an R in Scrabble and pretend it's a blank tile." Flash back in my mind to reading the Sports Gal's NCAA picks where she reveals that after six months of dating you turned a letter over and pretended it was a blank, and she didn't realize until the end of the game. Care to defend yourself on this point, or are you really that comfortable being filed in the same category as A-Rod?
--Daniel, Manchester, N.H.
I read about this on Deadspin.com weeks ago. Daniel, plagiarize much?
Q: I think there is a problem with ESPN.com -- the main headline has to do with women's basketball. Please inform your webmaster right away of the error! Thanks! A concerned reader.
--Scott, Dallas
See Scott, it’s not an error. ESPN holds the rights to several wome… You know this. Not wasting my time.
Nothing has made women’s basketball be discussed positively in the mainstream like Imus.
He’s going to end up being the patron saint of women’s hoops.
Q: I wanted your thoughts on what is the best possible movie scene we could have Gus Johnson do the voice-over for? I have it narrowed down to the scene in "American Pie" when Jim and Nadia are in his bedroom for the first time, or the entire male rape scene in "Pulp Fiction."
--Chris D., Pennsylvania
Simmons probably thought about this and gave a legit answer. It’s an interesting premise, and I’m going to pass on belittling it.
Q: I had to tell you I had my vasectomy today! As I stripped to nothingness and put on the all-encompassing "sheet" they have you wear, the hottest nurse I've ever seen walks through the door. Of course, I was concerned at getting "excited," so I have to think of something to control the senses! What happens?? I start thinking about your columns! I even laughed out loud when the nurse asked why. For the love of all that is holy, I couldn't say it out loud! Thought you should know.
--JSG, Tucson, Ariz.
There are certain things that you should keep to yourself.
Were there even a 1% possibility of this story being true, it would be one of those.
Q: Simmons (I hope you don't mind, but that's how we refer to you in my house),
My husband and I figured that there might actually be a handful (or more) of people who decide to FedEx their turd sandwiches to their respective team/coach/ex-coach. We decided the occasion called for a delicious recipe. Bon appetit!
Ingredients
[Edited recipe]
Remove from heat and top with baby spinach, tomato leaves and a pinch of salt and pepper. Cut into four equal portions.
Serve with a side of roasted asparagus.
--Jennifer, Lafayette, La.
You and your husband are obviously idiots. Not for putting this stupid recipe together, obviously as a mere tool to get Simmons to publish your name.
But you suggest mailing a sandwich to an individual, then direct people to cut it into four equal portions. Doesn’t really seem like a sandwich people would share.
So consider that hour of your life a complete waste since you were unable to even make your stupid idea coherent.
I’d like to make two of these sandwiches and mail them to you and your husband. Actually, make it one that you guys can cut into four portions and share with your children. Spawning from you, I’m sure they deserve it as well.
------------------------------------------------------
There, that took me a whole two hours to compose, yet Simmons acts like it takes forever and is work.
I’ll give him an extra hour since it’s actually his vocation, but if he spends more than that pondering responses to THESE questions, he really needs better comprehension.
Oh, and I’ve tried to stay out of the Imus fray for the most part, but it’s at the point now where I feel I have to address it.
I’ll do it sometime this weekend around attending a Cowboy Mouth concert and mowing the yard.
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