Yup, These are his Readers

Seems Bill Simmons HAD recently done a mailbag and I just missed it since, well, the only thing The Sports Wife is writing is something about a reality TV show. So here we go, the first installment of “Yup, These are his readers.”

Let the Karate Kid jokes commence.

Q: After reading your Basketball Blog and re-listening to the YouTube clips, I am now even more convinced that Gus Johnson deserves a nickname that reflects his rabid approach to calling a game. Might I propose: GuJo?
--Adam, Reading, Mass.

GuJo sounds too much like some hippy coffee that will cost $6 at Starbucks. I was there the other day, and my Barist.. Wait, this isn’t a Peter King mailbag.

Seriously though, are we now at the saturation point from Bermanisms where nicknames are based on your actual name than some physical anomaly?

Everyone having a name-based nickname is what has spawned people giving their kids stupid names. You can name your kid Fish Tank these days cause you know everyone’s going to call him FiTy… and that sounds gangsta, yo.

So, no. No nickname.

Q: Can we start calling Kevin Durant "The Durantula?" He's big, he's dangerous and even a little spidery at times.
--Dan Cote, Washington, D.C.

One time Al Bundy sung a parody of “Day-O.” In there, he used the phrase “Still I sit here with my hand in my…pantula.”

Admit it, that’s where you ripped this off from.

But to answer, no. You can call him Kevin Durant.

Q: How much does Jack Bauer get paid? Would A-Fraud's contract be enough for him or should President Palmer just go ahead and agree to put his face on the front of $100 bills? After all the s--- he has been through I just want to know what he is thinking when he gets his check. How much could Scott Boras get him when his contract is up at CTU?
--Chris D., Altoona, Pa.

What part of Jack’s demeanor suggests to you that he wants the ego trip of having his name on money?

Jack doesn’t do anything for the acclaim, Jack does it cause he’s a Patriot.

Jack also hasn’t worked under contract at CTU for years, dummy. Department of Defense, bad-assed individual with a green knapsack, and former Chinese Captive have taken the last several years of 24 time.

Someone with such a rudimentary understanding of “24” mythos has no right watching the show, much less sending an email.

Go watch Gray’s Anatomy.

Q: Every time I see Joakim Noah play I can't help but smirk in anticipation for the day that Florida repeats as national champion, when he whips out his (her) breasts during the trophy presentation like Joyce Hyser in "Just One of the Guys," with David Stern appearing from the shadows to throw a Detroit Shock jersey on him and the Sports Guy screaming, "Nooooooooooooooo!" at home. I assume this will finally make you a WNBA fan?
--Mike, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

I was one of the guys who made the “Noah should go pro, he’d be the undisputed #1 pick in the WNBA” jokes last year.

They got tired sometime between last years semi-final and the UCLA blowout.

The fact that you people can’t send better emails for me to rip off disappoints me.

The fact that Simmons went back to the well on this one disappoints me.

The fact that WNBA jokes are now trite and old, makes me sad. At least I still have soccer.

Q: While tailgating at Giants Stadium, we came up with the next best sports game show guaranteed to be 10,000 times better than trying to stump the Schwab. ... It's called "Heckle." In it, you go through three rounds. First round you heckle a particular player of a team you hate, then you heckle a particular fan of a team you hate, then in the final round you have to heckle a random team. We have three judges and the winner gets 15 seconds to make his "cross the line" statements such as saying to the Saints, "[editor's note: this joke was too tasteless to run]." Tell me this doesn't have great show all over it?
--Mike P, Cockeysville, Md.

That doesn’t have great show all over it. You happy?

Obviously this email was simply a set up for the joke about the Saints. When someone at the Four-Letter Devil decided that it was too tasteless to run, they should have decided that the email was then too stupid to run.

Thanks for nothing.

Q: I think it's time for the Hartford Civic Center to remove all the banners of the Hartford Whalers from its rafters. That place is like a guy who got dumped by some girl 10 years ago but still has pictures of her on his wall from a trip they took to Mount Washington in '91.
--Jeff from Manhattan, N.Y.

It’s rather odd that an email that talks about letting go of the past is ripped off from an Adam Sandler segment from SNL.

But to the point of your question, you still have your Little League trophies, huh? Did you throw out your high school yearbook, despite the fact that you haven’t been cool in a decade. And you still walk around with a penis, despite the fact that you were emasculated years ago.

People in glass houses Jeff from Manhattan, people in glass houses.

Q: Has Pacman Jones entered the "Tyson Zone?"
--Paul, Paris

I doubt it. You don’t go into Mike Tyson’s strip club and start throwing around singles. People who need to feel important by throwing around several thousand one dollar bills tend to avoid places where they can get their ass kicked, and Tyson could go through his whole posse, guns and all.

Is it odd that “Tyson Zone” has to be a strip club, though? You didn’t wonder about it, it’s just what it HAS to be. Not for one second did you consider an establishment with Mike Tyson as a namesake could be a Chuck E. Cheese-esque fun place.

Are there any fabrics to be avoided?

I actually copied this question from a mailbag that my wife had open to make a joke.

But then I continued with these questions, and well, the joke lost any humor. Keep reading, and you’ll see.

Q: They need to just put Favre on the cover of "Madden" and end this once and for all.
--Robert, Ann Arbor, Mich.

This year’s cover is hopefully saved for Drew Brees, Payton Manning or Tom Brady.

Just think though Robert, had your owner not liked Matt Millen on TV, it could very well be “Millen ‘08” that’s hitting stores.


Q: I find myself actively HATING the new Red Sox. Since winning it all in 2004, it has been a complete nightmare for me -- from the out of control bandwagon of Pink Hat wearers, etc., to the Chavez Ravine-esque feel of games at Fenway now (arrive in the third, leave in the seventh!), to the well-moneyed cabal of front office carpetbaggers with a "hometown boy" dangling at the forefront like a Tammany Hall vote wrangler at the docks of old Manhattan, to the string of bad personnel moves -- we are mirroring EVERY SINGLE bad aspect of the post-2000 Yankees. Everything that every fiber of my being loathes. Their obsession with catching up to the Yankees has made them forget about what got us the title in the first place: a TEAM.
--C. Fleming, Boston, Mass.

Well, join the rest of us that always hated the Red Sox.

If the Yankees are the Evil Empire, the Red Sox are C.O.B.R.A. - always foiled despite endless means because management’s always fell victim to hubris.

It was the Red Sox who gave Manny $200 million. They took a salary dump to get Pedro Martinez. And they also benefit from the biases of the Four-Letter Devil.

The only thing that separated Sox and Yankee fans were that the Yankee fans actually HAD a reason to be pompous asses. Sox fans were that way because they were from Boston.

The Sox were never a TEAM, they were a big market, high payroll team. Let’s cut out the whole notion that the ‘04 Sox were somehow an underdog story, k?

Q: You hate Duke because you are bitter you had to go to [Community College] ... you wouldn't have sniffed Duke.
--Becky, Seattle

If I hated every establishment that wouldn’t have me, do you realize how cynical and sarcastic that would make me?

Q: Sports Guy, you are in charge of making sure that Durant does not show up draft night wearing a cream-white suit and a green Celtics cap.
--David, Woonsocket, R.I.

Remember the question above regarding fabric? Here’s an actual one. Made trying to sneak one in there not funny since he’s actually GETTING these questions, and answering them.

The only person who can make sports and clothing work is Paul Lukas. Direct your question to him.

Q: So me and my buddies were making a team in NFL Street and decided to make Jesus Christ our running back. We gave him the beard, long hair and torn clothes. Turns out, he's amazing! You think the pass is incomplete and all of a sudden, here comes Jesus flying to make a diving catch. Do you think this would work in other sports games? I'm curious as to whether it will work in a basketball game considering Jesus was only like 5-feet tall.
--Colin M, Attleboro, Mass.

Colin, enjoy hell.

Q: When did the undershirt go out of style in college basketball and can Roy Hibbert bring it back?
--Alan, Colorado Springs, Colo.

www.uniwatchblog.com for CRYING OUT LOUD.

Q: You mentioned the luck of the '02 Pats and '06 Steelers. Obviously you are referring to the year they won the Super Bowl, but weren't they really the '01 Pats and the '05 Steelers? What is the proper terminology here?
--Jim K., Denver

He’s wrong, you’re right. I don’t read his answers before hand since I don’t want to rip off a Ziggy, but I’m going to be interested to see if he tried to defend being stupid, or admitted his error and move on.

Q: Wondering if you could settle an argument between me and my buddies? We were discussing how many sexual partners Jenny had in "Forrest Gump." Everyone seems to think the over/under should be set at 250. I argued that it's got to be at least 500. And that's conservative. Keep in mind she was a hippie, drug addict in the '60s the time of free love. She was naked on stage playing an acoustic guitar. She was molested by her father. I'm pretty sure she took down that whole Black Panther rally. Am I way off here? I'm not saying she's a bad person. But if a hot girl has sex with someone like Forrest, chances are she's got a bad case of the "Ben Stillers" -- i.e. she can't say "no." Now that I think about it, I'm saying a grand easy.
-- Keith, Hermosa Beach, Calif.

I have no earthly idea, but I’m setting your number at 2... And betting heavily on the under.

But on the topic of relations in Forrest Gump: You know how I could tell Jenny loved Forrest? When she cared enough to get him past that awkward 30-seconds to glory.

Q: Plain and simple: So how was the Art Shell Era for you??
--John, Cleveland

Hey! (Insert something about Mr. Miagi)!

Q: Regarding your comment about your life being a DVD you could pop in at any time -- that is my worst nightmare. In fact, I have a theory that when I die and arrive at the pearly gates, God is going to HAVE that DVD, and he is going to make me watch it. All those drunken nights in college when I made-out (or worse) with some ugly loser, all the times I said something insanely embarrassing and inappropriate when completely wasted, all the nights I thought I was a good dancer, all the times I puked and came out of the party looking like Britney Spears ... you know, those things that cobwebs have conveniently allowed me to "forget" happened. Not to mention what happened during any official unfortunate "blackout." Yeah, God has it all on tape and he's going to humiliate me with it, and he's going to want answers. For good measure, he might show it to my parents when THEY arrive up there. Can you imagine? The horror!
--Amanda, Blue Bell, Pa.

Should have tried to not be such a whore then, huh?

Q: I fancy myself something of a dead-eye at staring contests, having bested all comers of all species in my (admittedly short) lifetime. Which led me to wonder, who would win a celebrity athletes staring contest? The basic rule would be that a strict poker face has to be maintained until one contestant breaks a smile or flinches. I'd like to see the following competitors go at it: Tiger Woods, Phil Ivey, Dikembe Mutumbo, Rasheed Wallace, Clemens, Pedro (my dark horse pick; dude is scary intense), Ray Lewis, Brett Favre, Michael Jordan. This should be part of an annual special -- a decathlon of essentially trivial events featuring the most competitive athletes in the world. Staring contests, simple card games, mini golf, ping pong, HORSE, rock paper scissors, etc. It would be like Superstars except, instead of focusing on athleticism and skill, it would emphasize pure competitiveness and intimidation. Tell me you wouldn't watch this.
--Hilaire, Washington, D.C.

I’d hope you’d be pretty good at staring contests, seeing as how you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. With ideas like this, it can't be easy.

Q: I was in Toronto during the NFL playoffs and during one of the games, the "This is Our Country" commercial came on, only it wasn't fire fighters and steel workers. It featured elk (yeah the animal), people playing hockey on a pond, and finished with an image of some clip from the '80s of an Olympic player whom I could not identify donning a Team Canada jersey. Definitely an 7.0 on the unintentional comedy scale, but at the same time I was a little offended by the rip off. I thought to myself, "Hey this isn't my country!" What do you think Bill?
--Jack Crouse, Philly

I think that shots of Americana wouldn’t really sell cars in the Great White North.

I can’t wait for the YouTube version from Russia that shows people waiting for toilet paper, antiquated military vehicles and a fashion show featuring drab clothing.

Q: I'm now convinced that all men do the following three things at some point in their life: (1) seriously contemplate opening a bar with a bunch of buddies; (2) toss around the idea of writing a book about their college years; and (3) contemplate if a relationship with a stripper could work.
--Ian T., Charlotte, N.C.

Perhaps I need more friends, or should have entered a strip club more than one time in my life so I won’t comment on the first and third ideas.

However, if these are the type of things you contemplate, don’t bother with the book. No one would read it.

Q: So in other words, you were handed your lunch by your wife making football picks, proceeded to rave about Miami for six days, ignored the Colts because you're such a pathetic homer, met Tom Brady, which led to damp stains underneath, then got your ass kicked in a go-kart race by another woman and a cheesy Hollywood schmuck. You just earned pole position as the star of the next Vagina Monologues.
--Jon Picou, Paradise

I’ve heard of the “Vagina Monologues,” but can say I have no idea what network they are on, or what they address.

This realization has made the last 90 minutes I’ve spent answering someone else’s email a positive experience for me. Jon, thank you.

Q: I'm an overweight, alcoholic, factory worker from Georgia. I'm 30, my life sucks, and I drive an '85 Honda Accord. One of the very few bright spots of my otherwise miserable life is reading your columns. Keep up the good work.
--Brad, Stilson, Ga.

See people, Honda’s never break.

But we put this mail in here because the Simmons-centric number of emails was just not great enough to feed the ego thus far.

As an added bonus, this one can be counted as "funny" so we still have room for a real ego trip email.

Q: I have a man-crush on you. There, I said it.
--Joey Tiefenbach, Regina, Saskatchewan

And there it is. Remember the Ian Ziering man-crush on Luke Perry? Yeah, me neither, I have a penis so I didn't watch 90210.

Q: It's 1:26 on Saturday night. I was out with my wife a little bit earlier, so we did some drinking. She went to bed about an hour ago, so I am literally sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and reading your book (that's not gratuitous -- it's time for me to finish it) while watching TV. At 1 am, "Full Metal Jacket" came on channel 212, so I tuned in. At 1:10, "Naked and Betrayed" began showing on channel 211 (Skinemax). Why not, right? So I tuned in for the first "Obviously, we'll have nudes within 30 seconds" scene. Sure enough ... except when this girl got naked, she was wearing a nicotine patch up between her shoulder blades! It was clear as the fact that sports radio guys are idiots, and yet they let it in. I understand the need for patches in certain, um, places during soft porn, but a nicotine patch in a nude scene? Could there possibly be anything less exciting than for the supposedly attractive girls in these movies to be shown as the down-on-their-luck, things-didn't-work-out, just-trying-to-make-a-buck unfortunates that they are? Seriously, how do these movies serve their, um, purpose with nicotine patches on the ladies? I have more questions on this topic, but I really want an answer, so I'll stop here.
PS: In the 15 minutes I've been writing this, "Naked and Betrayed" has picked up considerably. But I still can't get over the nicotine patch.
--Jude G., New York

This is a rather long question, Jude.

First, nicely done on the verbal fellatiation of Simmons. Second, why bother mentioning Full Metal Jacket, your wife and beer? Third, nicotine patch? Does seem odd, but I was probably a band-aid covering up a tattoo of the actress’ misspelling of a proverb.

Q: Why do I get the feeling that in about five years there will be a Buster Olney-esque book about the "Last Night of the Patriots Dynasty" written by Michael Smith.
--Jason, Richmond, Va.

True, the Patriots did win three rings in four years. However, in the other year they missed the playoffs. They weren’t beaten by a team that had everything come together like the ‘94 Cowboys.

They were beaten by everyone.

A dynasty doesn’t take a year off, so the entire premise of your question is incorrect.

Q: Every week I check my wife's US Weekly to see if you and the Sports Gal have reached celebrity status. When it finally happens, what will you be doing that makes you "just like us?"
--Keith, San Fran

Yeah, the US Weekly belongs to your “wife.”

Q: Can we just say once and for all that an NBA player contract can't be voided unless said player is caught red-handed carving up bodies in a mass murder ritual?
--Mark, Sydney

I’m not sure if this is because of too many failed attempts to void contracts, or too many contracts being voided.

See, no one gives a rat’s ass about the NBA or follows it regularly.

Random pop culture reference to show I’m hip: Avoid the Noid!

Q: I was just paging through your Red Sox book, getting myself into the mood for the upcoming season, when I noticed in your October 20, 2004 column you wrote that "A-Rod is a liar and a cheater of the highest order -- the kind that would turn over an R in Scrabble and pretend it's a blank tile." Flash back in my mind to reading the Sports Gal's NCAA picks where she reveals that after six months of dating you turned a letter over and pretended it was a blank, and she didn't realize until the end of the game. Care to defend yourself on this point, or are you really that comfortable being filed in the same category as A-Rod?
--Daniel, Manchester, N.H.

I read about this on Deadspin.com weeks ago. Daniel, plagiarize much?

Q: I think there is a problem with ESPN.com -- the main headline has to do with women's basketball. Please inform your webmaster right away of the error! Thanks! A concerned reader.
--Scott, Dallas

See Scott, it’s not an error. ESPN holds the rights to several wome… You know this. Not wasting my time.

Nothing has made women’s basketball be discussed positively in the mainstream like Imus.

He’s going to end up being the patron saint of women’s hoops.

Q: I wanted your thoughts on what is the best possible movie scene we could have Gus Johnson do the voice-over for? I have it narrowed down to the scene in "American Pie" when Jim and Nadia are in his bedroom for the first time, or the entire male rape scene in "Pulp Fiction."
--Chris D., Pennsylvania

Simmons probably thought about this and gave a legit answer. It’s an interesting premise, and I’m going to pass on belittling it.

Q: I had to tell you I had my vasectomy today! As I stripped to nothingness and put on the all-encompassing "sheet" they have you wear, the hottest nurse I've ever seen walks through the door. Of course, I was concerned at getting "excited," so I have to think of something to control the senses! What happens?? I start thinking about your columns! I even laughed out loud when the nurse asked why. For the love of all that is holy, I couldn't say it out loud! Thought you should know.
--JSG, Tucson, Ariz.

There are certain things that you should keep to yourself.

Were there even a 1% possibility of this story being true, it would be one of those.

Q: Simmons (I hope you don't mind, but that's how we refer to you in my house),
My husband and I figured that there might actually be a handful (or more) of people who decide to FedEx their turd sandwiches to their respective team/coach/ex-coach. We decided the occasion called for a delicious recipe. Bon appetit!
Ingredients
[Edited recipe]
Remove from heat and top with baby spinach, tomato leaves and a pinch of salt and pepper. Cut into four equal portions.
Serve with a side of roasted asparagus.
--Jennifer, Lafayette, La.

You and your husband are obviously idiots. Not for putting this stupid recipe together, obviously as a mere tool to get Simmons to publish your name.

But you suggest mailing a sandwich to an individual, then direct people to cut it into four equal portions. Doesn’t really seem like a sandwich people would share.

So consider that hour of your life a complete waste since you were unable to even make your stupid idea coherent.

I’d like to make two of these sandwiches and mail them to you and your husband. Actually, make it one that you guys can cut into four portions and share with your children. Spawning from you, I’m sure they deserve it as well.
------------------------------------------------------

There, that took me a whole two hours to compose, yet Simmons acts like it takes forever and is work.

I’ll give him an extra hour since it’s actually his vocation, but if he spends more than that pondering responses to THESE questions, he really needs better comprehension.

Oh, and I’ve tried to stay out of the Imus fray for the most part, but it’s at the point now where I feel I have to address it.

I’ll do it sometime this weekend around attending a Cowboy Mouth concert and mowing the yard.