Do they have rape stands at Phish concerts?

I pooped this morning. Nike stopped selling Michael Vick merchandise. Therefore, my chocolate dragon is responsible for the redirection of Air Zoom Vick V shoes from Foot Action, USA, to Foot Action, Mozambique.

Wait, both PETA and the Humane Society of the United States are taking credit for Nike dumping Vick, what about me?

The cause and effect relationship of the events is just as faulty, whether the cause you are considering is fecal matter or my launching of brown submarines. Well, maybe not AS faulty, but still.

Everyone who once marketed Vick like, oh, lets say a piece of meat, stopped promoting Michael Vick because Michael Vick was bad for business. Millions of Americans weren’t going to buy Michael Vick jerseys, shoes or anything else because they decided he wasn’t someone they wanted to be associated with. This decision was made without any peer pressure from the Animal Nazi’s.

In fact, Nike doesn’t make Birkenstocks or hemp-based athletic wear so these were protests by people who weren’t even consumers to begin with. That leads to the question, why then would these passive terrorists even bother attacking Nike, the football league they don’t watch, and the team they don’t root for?

Well, if Nike, the NFL and Falcons are set to lose money due to their association with Vick, it would then be rather safe to assume that someone would stand to benefit. You can’t get a Toyota Prius or paint to throw on innocent people for free, so PETA and the HSUS put themselves in a position to capitalize through increased donations from increased visibility.

They’re exploiting these dogs more than Michael Vick ever thought of doing. Vick had only the most animalistic and barbaric of interests in the dogs, but with his contract it obviously wasn’t the monetary interests motivating his disturbing behavior. They get free product placement in all forms of media, become a more well-known brand.

PETA’s website first proclaims victory in pressuring Nike (perhaps I need to mail them a bag-o-doogan?), then the fourth link is a solicitation for donations. They have also apparently figured out Café Press, because through their site you can buy a variety of clothing items that exploit fighting dogs for profit.

The sad thing is, saying they want to fill the coffers is giving them the more benevolent of motivations. The other would be to taint a potential jury pool by casting guilt upon him. Then they’d be denying Vick his right to a fair trial.

Links and Spinks

The one thing I don't do is put 800,000 links on the side of the page. I put a link there because it's something I enjoy, and figured you might as well. But then again, I figure I'm never going to be a part of the "blogosphere" because - well, what the hell's a blogosphere, anyway? I also don't belong to any team "nation."

Though I think we're getting close to having a Texas Rangers City-State. I might join that, but just cause olives kick ass.

Anyway, I'm adding three links to the site. One is for The Big Lead - the place that ESPN felt the need to sabotage earlier this year. I was told they linked to me for something, and it's one of the sites I actually read. I was told by a guy named Kasey, and his site is pretty interesting, so he goes up, too.

And finally, with no corelation to the others, the dude at Awful Announcing gets in as well. Don't know why he wasn't up there before, after all, I am an awful announcer.

Oh, and I just thought "Links" was stupid by itself as a title, and I couldn't make an interesting story about Barq's so Michael Spinks gets a pic.

I want my sanity back, back, back

There’s an old joke about a suicide hotline mis-printing a phone number directing those contemplating taking their own life to the Nike HQ, where the phone was answered “Just Do It.”

Fortunately, after the derby last night people weren’t dialing up Nike because three hours of Chris Berman’s impression of the Chili’s rib song, interspersed with references to Magglio and Stitch Ordonez would be enough to make anyone think that a beer bottle to the skull was a suitable end to the night.

I was smart enough not to punish myself, but my colleague on the show, Rebecca wasn’t (not entirely out-of-character, either). So as she subjected herself the mind drubbing that was Boomer, she kept count of how many times he broke into his signature call.

First round: 46 (including swing-off)
Second round: 68
Finals: 7 (not including discussion about what type of homer constitutes which type of backiness).

So in a three-hour broadcast, that makes the total 121 utterances of insanity. 11-squared repetitions of retardation.

That’s 40 times per hour. Including commercial time, that’s once every 90-seconds. If you happened to tune out during commercials, you’re closer to once every minute.

It’s not a signature call, Chris. Not every 90 seconds. Every 90-seconds, it’s annoying. If someone was playing the “Berman Drinking Game” they’d make Pat Summerall and Mickey Mantle look like owners of healthy livers.

If Berman were directing the Electric Slide for just one person, the static electricity generated by the person taking a step back every time Berman said the word would have ended California’s energy crisis.

I’m less tired of hearing bad-Bill-Clinton-sexual-relations imitations. I’m less tired of seeing stories about Paris Hilton and Jail. I’d more readily sit and watch “Quite Frankly” for three hours than the Home Run Derby with Chris Berman.

ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE TIMES.

If you cut one John Kruk hair every time Berman broke out into BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK, he’d look like Dr. Evil before the finals even started.

Allow me, Chris, to address you for a moment in your own terms.

KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF.