Daily Deuce 10/30

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

I read lots of good things today, but for some reason little of it stuck. I even had a few good ideas for regular posts.

But laziness wins out, and I even failed to take notes about what they were. Other than great, of course.

I ask for forgiveness with this bonus video - though I hope you've seen it by now.



Remember 4 years ago, when the baseball-punditry was all unanimous in their appraisal that the Yankees were the right place for Alex Rodriguez? How the pitiful Texas Rangers didn't deserve a talent like A-Rod, because, by God, they were the Texas Rangers!

Well, my how the times have changed. I don't expect retractions saying that Texas was ahead of the curve and lucky to rid themselves of a self-centered, purple-lipped cancer destined to have his physical abilities limited by his character flaws.

But this article from Scott Miller at CBSSports.com is a good start.

Then, there's Cowboys receiver Patrick Crayton doing his best Les Miles impression with ESPN's Jeremy Schapp.

Daily Deuce Tony Romo Edition

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

I have a ton of things to say about Tony Romo's new contract with the Dallas Cowboys.

That will have to wait, however, as there's currently OT in the Monday night game.

In the meantime, enjoy these stories about America's Quarterback getting a contract extension.

First, the Dallas Morning News' Rick Gosselin says that Jerry knows what he's getting in Tony Romo.

Meanwhile, Tony Romo knows what he's getting from the Cowboys. Hint, it's a large amount of Ro-Money.

Daily Deuce 10/25

Today's edition comes with a special non-Sports video. In the words of Brian Fellow: "THATS CRAZY!"



Line of the day comes from Deadspin, regarding some crazy bitch calling herself "Super Manny:" We didn't realize it was possibly for Manny Ramirez to have fans more detached from reality than he is.

As for your links, how's about some college football?

Clay Travis from CBS Sports thinks that Les Miles is an idiot and some Florida fan thinks bad Michael Vick Joke should happen to Georgia fans.

Daily Deuce 10/24

One of these day, I'll figure out a calendar. -ed.

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

Short and sweet today.

I'm a cliché, but Ohio St. is who we thought they were.

Daily Deuce 10/22

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

Wow, I almost forgot to do this tonight. I spent most of my sports-time this evening trying to irritate people I know by making sure they know that Tony Romo is "America's Quarterback." It worked.

So I almost forgot that I have obligated myself to a pair of links a day.

Seems that I'm not (that) crazy after all. One in five of us sports fans have some kind of rituals to keep our team from being jinxed. Yeah, yuck it up, regular-ass fan.

Us ritualists...ritualizers....good fans also MAKE MORE MONEY. Suck it.

Of course, no shirt, underpants, or actual Wolverine mascot locked in a cage in your parents basement living off Pop-Tarts can save you if Heath Shuler is your quarterback.

(Note: I have no idea if the first story made any kind of headline on ESPN.com, because I'm one of the brilliant many who use RSS. RSS bitches, RSS!)

Daily Deuce 10/20

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

There's been lots of solid things out there today, but nothing truly inspired me to say “I have to share this.” But since I don't like breaking every promise I make, here's a pair of items that I found interesting.

Here's a moderately unsuccessful attempt to add visuals to a “Real Men of Genius” ad about jorts. It comes to you courtesy of the Tennessee (or West Virginia, or something, hell if I know.) fan(s) over at Losers with Socks.

Then we're back to the Awful Announcing well for this one. Manning v. Kornheiser. We need Nick Bakay – ok we really don't – to break down who's forehead is larger. Manning wins. And doesn't even have the bald excuse.

I'm holding out hope that he's really taking a shot at Berman - because that battle of forehead would be closer.

Daily Deuce

I know it's almost cheap, but considering it's my damn blog, your first link today is Awful Announcing. When going through everything I thought to almost be link-worthy, I noticed today I had about 4 things from there in the running. So rather than choose, you get them all. Today on AA:

-FSN is renaming The Best Damn Sports Show Period to “The Best Darn Sports Show Period” in order to get Herm Edwards to come on the program. He apparently has a thing about profanity?
-The Yankees are mad at ESPN
-Someone up the food-chain is making the calls on it's latest experiment to fill the vacuum that has always been the afternoon drive, because the radio people there can't stand caller-driven radio. I can't imagine message-board-driven radio to be an idea taken seriously at their programming meetings.
-Plus, it seems like Dan Patrick is the new Steve Rushin.

EDIT: Check that, the new Rick Reilly, who per The Big Lead (link on left), has agreed to go to ESPN.

We'll stay along the same lines to direct you to a mail bag by Dr. Z from Sports Illustrated. He's been ranting about the lack of starting lineups on FOX broadcasts all week. He keeps it going today. I don't mind that, but his story about trying to swat the FOX BOX from the screen makes you laugh at all old people.

Honestly, I've heard complaints about a lot of things FOX does, but bitching about the score on the screen is rather lame. Here's the deal: If you want to watch coaches film, do it. I also bet the guy who bitches about the fantasy stats, wouldn't be bitching if they were showing who's covering and who ain't.

Complaining rather than offering solutions – especially when you've got the ability to get to FOX – leaves me with little simpathy for your cause. Hows about requesting that FOX just scroll the lineups? But then again, that's just logical. Old people don't understand logic.

Jacked up, Jerked around!

Like many of you, I had wondered what happened to JACKED UP! on Monday Nights. I figured it just aired during one of the 9 hours of pre-game that I wasn't watching.

According to a memo obtained by Deadspin, ESPN has only gotten 14 complaints about it's absence. That's compared to 200+ complaints about it's presence last year. I don't know who the 200 douches are that try to ruin everything for the rest of us, but it's time to strike back.

I know that most of us have succumbed to general apathy in regards to the Four Letter Devil, but, a letter writing.... ahh screw it.

ESPN is... JACKED UP.

The Daily Deuce

I come across so many good things, that I've decided for lack of original content that I can atleast pull a Ben Maller and link you to some of them. So everyday (maybe) I'll link up 2 interesting things on this here interneck:

Does this headline in the Al-Jazeera-Constitution – I mean, Atlanta Journal-Constitution - ring a bell: S.C. Inmate files suit against Vick

At first I thought the AJC was just, you know, months behind everyone else. Which would not have been shocking in the least, but it seems like another inmate is suing Vick.

Matthew Stephan McCormick says that he gave Vick a dog, “Clubber,” for breeding, and never got the dog back. He wants 106k, and the dog.

The only logical motivation for the suit is that he knows of the run that Mr. Riches has gotten on the internet, and wants some of that for himself. But I suspect Mr. Riches will be suing Matthew Stephan McCormick for stealing his gimmick.

I bet Mr. Riches feels like Ziggy at the complaint window.

UNLESS he put McCormick up to it. That'd be awesome.

Oh, I guess, that maybe Vick actually stole his dog. So there’s THREE logical motivations.

-------
Also, Alabama fans are a bunch of thievin' fools according to the Tennessean

Florida Fans Be Crazy

From drunk on the porch, to The Big Lead, to me, to your friends - I'm sure.



HELL YEAH!!!

I want my 63 Billion-Billion DOLLARS!

You may remember Jonathan Lee Riches the White Suge Knight (pictured left) from lawsuits such as Riches vs. Snitches, Batman and Identity Robbin, Holding My Life Hostage and Fraud in Sports.

But it’s not the lawsuits against the Snitches, Skittles, Guantanamo Bay, LeBron et. al., or even Barry Bonds that has made Mr. Riches our almost-friend. It was when he first burst (busted? Bust?) onto the scene for his lawsuit against Michael Vick entitled “Theft and Abuse of my Animals.”

Chances are, Mr. Riches will never rightfully be compensated the $63 billion-billion he’s requested. He’ll never get his dogs back, convince the Supreme Court that Michael Vick has Iranian missiles, or have his credit restored from the Doggie Warehouse account Ookie opened under his name.

Mr. Riches, on behalf of society, I wish I could make everyone stop physically hurting your feelings and dashing your hopes. Your hopes are the hopes of a nation, no, the hopes of a civilization. Or I could at least pony up the missing fees that keep getting your complaints bounced by Judges who don’t serve Justice.

For it’s not the system who’s wronged Mr. Riches, it’s not even the 3 thousand-thousand defendants who have refused to feed you in jail, bench pressed you to impress ballpark buddies, forced you to eat live rats and roll around in kitty litter for punishment, and, of course, repeatedly subjected you to microwave testing. It’s society for ignoring this man at the center of a vast conspiracy to illegally use his name for shirts, Mr. Riches Hats, and Jonathan Lee Riches Bibles.

But, Mr. Riches, don’t fret. There is an ultimate justice that we all face. All things eventually work out.

In the case of Mr. Riches, there is but one suitable outcome.

By now, the news that Michael Vick has agreed to plead guilty on several federal charges that include jail time is, well, not news, since everyone knows it. He also didn’t commit any white-collar crime, and therefore won’t be getting conjugal visits. Michael Vick is going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

If there is kharmatic justice, then that federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison must be FCI Williamsburg. Yes, the same FCI Williamsburg where Michael Vick was supposed to deliver $63 billion-billion backed by gold and silver to Mr. Riches.

The FCI Williamsburg where Mr. Riches is paying his debt to society.

Mr. Riches may never get to face his accuser in court. But if our system is not broken, Mr. Riches will get to face his accuser in the yard.

So get ready Michael, because now you too are going to be locked in the same holes where you microwave tested on Mr. Riches. Ezekiel 25:27. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. Mr. Riches is our brother, and you shall feel that vengeance.

That $63 billion-billion is going to be taken out of your ass one nickel at a time (figuratively) at FCI Williamsburg. Enjoy Michael.

For More on Mr. Riches, see Jonathan Lee Riches Central.

Sociologial Experiment

INNNNNNNNN West Philadelphia, Born and Raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days

If you are:
1. Able to read those two lines without singing the entire theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

and

2. Between the ages of 18-34

Please drop me an email at iconogrill@aol.com , because I'm pretty sure you aren't American. Much like Pigman in PCU where he was trying to prove his Caine-Hackman theory, this is my greatest thesis. I don't think I'll get any emails.

*does little hop-step like Will after he got out of the cab*

Blog Keeping

Just doing a little house keeping here on the old internet.

First, I’ve learned how to use this RSS. I now no longer visit any sites, I let Google do it for me and then let me know if they’ve been lazy asses or steadily pumping away the words.

This has led to two developments.

1. I have an RSS Feed. That way, you don’t have to keep typing in this address to find out if my lazy ass has been typing away (Note: This is post 4 in the last 24 hours, with one or two more on the way - a random college football observation post, and a complete analysis of the latest legal genius to hit the US court system.). I don’t have any friggin’ clue what it is, but if you have an RSS machine, then you can figure out how to add me.

2. I have more sites that I’m able to look at and read, and thusly will be adding more sites to the sidebar, they include:

www.EverydayshouldbeSaturday.com
www.loserswithsocks.com
www.dawgsports.com
http://thesportingorange.blogspot.com
www.rockytoptalk.com

I find it hard to believe that there’s a better Georgia Site than the one posted, which might just be the best written of the college blogs that I’ve read. T. Kyle King has him one of those lawyer names, and a habit of being wordy, but even when reading way too much about Georgia, I don’t feel like I’ve had my time ripped from me.

If you have a good blog that I’d enjoy - keeping in mind I hate pretty much everything - drop me a note. I need something that challenges the conventional wisdom and actually spurns me into looking at a topic in a different way.

But beware, don’t have a Florida blog, and then make 38 posts about the Yankees between anything football related. That just pisses me off, since I’ve already always got more than 100 new items in my reader.

NOTE: I chose the title so that I could put up a picture of a chick in a maid outfit, but a google image search left me with far too many choices of scrupulous intention to click

Maddening Plaguirism

So Rick Reilly bitched earlier this year to Gelf Magazine, complaining that his intellectual property is jacked by ESPN more than a house owned by a baskeball player in Chicago. He said that, “[he’s] flat-out handed them five or six Emmys.”

See, he put in all the the effort in coming up with these ideas. Everyone is always looking for a new angle, and well ESPN took Reilly’s angle and didn’t link back to him.

(Now they could have saved a ton of hassle by just having a real-journalist roll on the side of the page. Then Rick and ESPN could be RSS BFF. Well, ‘cept for that douche Simmons, real journalists hate him, too. But that’s a tangent.)

Rick, beware though, Ethan Albright is going to (long) snap your damn neck. You stole his idea. You took his angle, and didn’t mention him.

Actually, it’s Juan Turlington’s angle from The Phat Phree where he wrote a profanity filled tirade on lowly rated Madden players funnier than any of your imaginary conversations with golf gods, draft picks or cheerleaders. There was more humanity in Albrights plea for Madden’s acceptance than in any of your tear jerkers that serve as an allegory to an Aesop fable.

Juan is flat-out handing you another National Sports Writer of the Year award.

With Madden gaining main-stream acceptance more and more each year, with every player thinking his rating is too low, with every reference to Tecmo Bo Jackson, you decided that people who had ignored video games thus far needed you to show the human side of the PS3.

I’m shocked you didn’t make this about NCAA 08, then you could have talked about how these were just amateur athletes trying to get an education who were being subjected to quantification by some computer dorks in the Valley. Could have tugged at the ol’ heartstrings.

You ripped off Turlington. You went and talked to several crapily-rated players and presented it as an original idea.

You shouldn’t be throwing rocks when you live in a glass house. You need to save those rocks for Courtney Brown, the player you asked about being the least aware in the game, to eat for breakfast.

Or perhaps save them for your readers, who you appearantly give a 12 to in awareness for thinking this is another original Riff of Reilly.

My copyrighted name has been used illegally in many ladies room stalls

You may remember my ripping of PETA for using the Michael Vick thing to make money by pushing shirts? (If not, it’s like 3 posts ago, just scroll, lazy-ass.) I’m not sure if this is the same thing, but I know that I expect a process server any day.

Among the many accusations of one Jonathan Lee Riches was that Michael Vick was using his copyrighted name to make T-Shirts. Fuck it, I did.

FRONT
BACK

Now you too can make a statement about Michael Vick, with your own. They’re not for sale, per say, but I could make available to you your very own Jonathan Lee Riches shirt for 63 Billion-billion dollars reimbursement of my cost and effort.

The interesting thing about the shirt though, is that it’s a rather ambiguous statement. I have heard from people who consider it a statement of support for Michael Vick with it’s outlandish accusations. Then others think it’s just dog-piling. I say it’s just a hilarious reminder of a modern day Socrates.

This shirt stemming from some comments of Matt Vasgersian reminded me that I had been meaning for a while to make a post about the shirt.

Buy them before you physically hurt my feelings and dash my hopes any more.

UPDATE: I’m not prone to expletives, but HOLY SHIT! Remember when Ziggy went back to the complaint window to talk about the New Yorker ripping him off? Well, Mr. Riches is back at the prison law library. He’s now suing Barry Bonds, Bud Selig and Hank Aarons corked bat for 42 million-million, and 83 billion-billion from LeBron, Tony Montana, et al. This place is Jonathan Lee Riches The White Suge Knight central.



More On This as it Develops

If 3 is good enough for Dale, it's good enough for me

In April, my instant reaction to the Cowboys sending Cleveland the rights to waste a draft pick on Brady Quinn was, “Wow, McFadden first, Manningham 32nd.”

But now in retrospect, I ask myself, do I really want the first overall pick? Seems that it just doesn’t work out for the teams lately who sit atop the draft board. I’m not really talking about the talent level of the guys who have been first picks, but the headache they bring. Finding the right guy performance-wise is just as important at 3 or 6 as it is at 1.

The guys who have been taken at the top of the last couple drafts have brought with them a sense of entitlement. One that’s seemed to grow ever since Daddy was able to dictate what team took the Manning Family version of Jeb Bush. Now, the number one picks all think they are John Elway with a baseball career to pursue.

Jamarcus Russell threw the ball 80 yards and led LSU to several narrow defeats before Al Davis said he’s the guy. Now Russell sits at home presumably getting fat while waiting for the fat check.

His ego has to be a big part of why he’s waiting for an extra million guaranteed. He IS that damn good, remember he was the number one overall pick.

Reggie Bush wasn’t. He wanted too much money. He wanted a house for his parents. He wanted 63 billion-billion dollars to sign. So he fell. Vince Young did, too.

Instead, Houston found the guy happy to be the top pick and take top-ish pick money, Mario Williams.

Next April, the Cowboys could be facing a similar situation with the Cleveland pick. They take someone who starts to buy the crap that’s spoon-fed to him for four months, and then he’s at home. Or they pass on him because of that same ingested feces.

PR disaster either way.

But at third? He’s too busy trying to find Ashy Larry’s cigarette hookup for his family, because he’s RICH. The third pick is too damn happy he didn’t play the role of Brady Quinn to have Daddy coming out moaning and whining.

The third pick won the lottery, but lost it too because he wasn’t good enough, wasn’t smart enough, and ahh hell, I was just going there for a gratuitous Vince-Young-is-dumb joke.

So c’mon Cleveland. Suck. Just don’t suck the most. Take the McFadden decision out of Jerry’s hands.

An unproductive day at work

...leads to a very productive day on the ol' blog.

The New York Daily News put Barry Bonds on Trial.

Now, after getting all semantical on this bitch a few minutes ago, I decided to put Barry on trial. But I'm not talented enough to summon 12 baseball greats, just George Mitchell.

Transcript Follows.

Bonds: You want answers?
Mitchell: I think I'm entitled.
Bonds: You want answers?
Mitchell: I want the truth.
Bonds: You can't handle the truth.

Son, we play a game that has records, and those records are beaten by men with bats. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Bob Costas? I have a greater responsibility to this game than you could possibly imagine. You weep for Hank Aaron, and you curse BALCO. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That these homers, while tainted, made history. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, made the rich richer, kept ESPN on the air and helped keep this game in the forefront of the public conscious despite every other option.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places that you don't blog about, you want me in the batters box, you need me in that batters box. We use words like gate receipts, ratings, merchandise. We use these words as the backbone of a career spent entertaining someone. You use them as a criticism. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who cashes in on and capitalizes under the blanket of the very entertainment that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat, and take a swing. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Mitchell: Did you take the cream and clear?
Bonds: I played the game the way...
Mitchell: DID YOU TAKE THE CREAM AND CLEAR?
Bonds: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

So yeah, NY Daily News, what I do want is for you to stand there in that faggoty white uniform and with your Harvard mouth extend Bonds some fucking courtesy.

Parody is much more difficult. That's why Weird Al Rules.

Sadaharu Oh, wait

Humans are filled with inadequacies. Constantly worried that we might not be enough of this, or too much of that. We also HATE how inadequate we feel.

That's part of why we like to tear people down. We build them up, and then knock them off the pedestal we've placed them on. It's jealousy and it's OK. I sit here today and tell you I am not and never was a great baseball player. I know people who are better husbands than I, better employees, better people. But I've got excuses for every one.

People who put baseball players on pedestals - the people who enabled Barry Bonds to do whatever it is he's done - they are the ones who let their inadequacies take over. Those who shred Barry to take him OFF the pedestal. We impart moral answers to questions we've never been asked.

People do it because they need to "defend baseball," because they need to defend Hank Aaron." BECAUSE BARRY DID IT THE WRONG WAY!

I understand the need to make Barry not so great. To make it seem like he's no better than you or I.

The most inane of these arguments is the Sadaharu Oh is the real home run king because of his 868* professional homers.

While he's no doubt great, don't sit there and tell me that they are THE record. His 868* are no more THE record than Clint Dolezel is the touchdown king because of his 800+ in the Arena League. Hey, it's PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL. Rationalize away.

That doesn't matter. You're going to gerrymander records to suit your desires, but if we're changing the definition of professional to suit your argument, then you need to get the facts right. Barry is not 112 homers from Oh. Barry is 82 92 91 homers from Oh**. He hit 13 with Prince William in 1985 and another 7 in 1986 with the Hawaii Islanders.

* 868 were accomplished against lesser competition. Any league where Tuffy Rhodes is a star is not the equal of MLB. (see how I worked an asterisk into the post?)

**Not very good at math either, I guess. That or typing. Don't remember which.

Do they have rape stands at Phish concerts?

I pooped this morning. Nike stopped selling Michael Vick merchandise. Therefore, my chocolate dragon is responsible for the redirection of Air Zoom Vick V shoes from Foot Action, USA, to Foot Action, Mozambique.

Wait, both PETA and the Humane Society of the United States are taking credit for Nike dumping Vick, what about me?

The cause and effect relationship of the events is just as faulty, whether the cause you are considering is fecal matter or my launching of brown submarines. Well, maybe not AS faulty, but still.

Everyone who once marketed Vick like, oh, lets say a piece of meat, stopped promoting Michael Vick because Michael Vick was bad for business. Millions of Americans weren’t going to buy Michael Vick jerseys, shoes or anything else because they decided he wasn’t someone they wanted to be associated with. This decision was made without any peer pressure from the Animal Nazi’s.

In fact, Nike doesn’t make Birkenstocks or hemp-based athletic wear so these were protests by people who weren’t even consumers to begin with. That leads to the question, why then would these passive terrorists even bother attacking Nike, the football league they don’t watch, and the team they don’t root for?

Well, if Nike, the NFL and Falcons are set to lose money due to their association with Vick, it would then be rather safe to assume that someone would stand to benefit. You can’t get a Toyota Prius or paint to throw on innocent people for free, so PETA and the HSUS put themselves in a position to capitalize through increased donations from increased visibility.

They’re exploiting these dogs more than Michael Vick ever thought of doing. Vick had only the most animalistic and barbaric of interests in the dogs, but with his contract it obviously wasn’t the monetary interests motivating his disturbing behavior. They get free product placement in all forms of media, become a more well-known brand.

PETA’s website first proclaims victory in pressuring Nike (perhaps I need to mail them a bag-o-doogan?), then the fourth link is a solicitation for donations. They have also apparently figured out Café Press, because through their site you can buy a variety of clothing items that exploit fighting dogs for profit.

The sad thing is, saying they want to fill the coffers is giving them the more benevolent of motivations. The other would be to taint a potential jury pool by casting guilt upon him. Then they’d be denying Vick his right to a fair trial.

Links and Spinks

The one thing I don't do is put 800,000 links on the side of the page. I put a link there because it's something I enjoy, and figured you might as well. But then again, I figure I'm never going to be a part of the "blogosphere" because - well, what the hell's a blogosphere, anyway? I also don't belong to any team "nation."

Though I think we're getting close to having a Texas Rangers City-State. I might join that, but just cause olives kick ass.

Anyway, I'm adding three links to the site. One is for The Big Lead - the place that ESPN felt the need to sabotage earlier this year. I was told they linked to me for something, and it's one of the sites I actually read. I was told by a guy named Kasey, and his site is pretty interesting, so he goes up, too.

And finally, with no corelation to the others, the dude at Awful Announcing gets in as well. Don't know why he wasn't up there before, after all, I am an awful announcer.

Oh, and I just thought "Links" was stupid by itself as a title, and I couldn't make an interesting story about Barq's so Michael Spinks gets a pic.

I want my sanity back, back, back

There’s an old joke about a suicide hotline mis-printing a phone number directing those contemplating taking their own life to the Nike HQ, where the phone was answered “Just Do It.”

Fortunately, after the derby last night people weren’t dialing up Nike because three hours of Chris Berman’s impression of the Chili’s rib song, interspersed with references to Magglio and Stitch Ordonez would be enough to make anyone think that a beer bottle to the skull was a suitable end to the night.

I was smart enough not to punish myself, but my colleague on the show, Rebecca wasn’t (not entirely out-of-character, either). So as she subjected herself the mind drubbing that was Boomer, she kept count of how many times he broke into his signature call.

First round: 46 (including swing-off)
Second round: 68
Finals: 7 (not including discussion about what type of homer constitutes which type of backiness).

So in a three-hour broadcast, that makes the total 121 utterances of insanity. 11-squared repetitions of retardation.

That’s 40 times per hour. Including commercial time, that’s once every 90-seconds. If you happened to tune out during commercials, you’re closer to once every minute.

It’s not a signature call, Chris. Not every 90 seconds. Every 90-seconds, it’s annoying. If someone was playing the “Berman Drinking Game” they’d make Pat Summerall and Mickey Mantle look like owners of healthy livers.

If Berman were directing the Electric Slide for just one person, the static electricity generated by the person taking a step back every time Berman said the word would have ended California’s energy crisis.

I’m less tired of hearing bad-Bill-Clinton-sexual-relations imitations. I’m less tired of seeing stories about Paris Hilton and Jail. I’d more readily sit and watch “Quite Frankly” for three hours than the Home Run Derby with Chris Berman.

ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE TIMES.

If you cut one John Kruk hair every time Berman broke out into BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK, he’d look like Dr. Evil before the finals even started.

Allow me, Chris, to address you for a moment in your own terms.

KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF, KNOCK IT OFF.

Did Tiger Tank?

Formerly in this space was a post about our buddy Tiger Woods and his TANK JOB at the US Open.

Well, it happened to be up to the somewhat higher standards of our buddy Jay Busbee's site Sports Gone South, so you can now find it at that link.

It's not deadspin, but his 50ish(?) readers are more that our two-ish. It's also full-text instead of just a link. Booya!

I'm taking over the Intrawebs - One blog at a time.

Blogservations - Print Edition

It’s been a big week for us here - we’ve been recognized by deadspin, and we’ve nearly wrapped up negotiations with our first corporate sponsor. On top of that, we’ve done a lot of work perfecting the blog-voice, where we refer to ourselves in plural pronouns, despite the fact that we are a singular entity. We may have some trouble with it, I tend to have trouble with change (Awwww, crap!).

Here’s the latest installment of blogservations - the print version. We call it that, because it’s not very timely. Some of these are weeks old, but both of you reading this will forgive me (awwww, crap!), we’re sure:

Alex Rodriguez caught a ton of flack for shouting some phrase or primal noise in a game against the Toronto Blue Jays, thus causing Howie Clark to spaz and drop the ball.

We’re shocked, not so much because A-Rod would do something that is against “The Code,” but that A-Rod’s lisp didn’t give away the fact that he wasn’t John McDonald.

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The media loves to report, and the people love to hear/see/read, bad news. So it’s not shocking that when the NCAA granted every member of the Duke lacrosse team an extra year of eligibility for the missing season it wasn’t headline news - anywhere but North Carolina, that is.

It was another day of vindication for the boys on the team, one that was met with great jubilation. In fact, it was worthy of a party. Lots of booze, lots of strippers, we're told.

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Reds outfielder Ryan Freel isn’t quite ready to get back on the field after suffering from a concussion.

I’m shocked that (Awww, crap!) the dude with the imaginary friend is having trouble getting a clean bill of mental health. Shocked, we tell you!

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Cowboys linebacker DeMarcus Ware is the latest athlete to sign on the dotted line and become a spokesperson for Chunky Soup.

No punch line, we’re Cowboy fans, so the joke is on us.

Bud's Big Day

When you take a little Bud Selig ingenuity, combine that with a touch of four-letter devil overkill and a hint of college football signing day, you get MLB Draft ‘07 - Live on the Deuce!

I thought about typing out my observations as they came to me, forming sort of a stream-of-consciousness post of chronological thoughts (I know that makes NO SENSE!), but that’s work. Listening to the radio is already work for me, if watching TV becomes an exercise in critical thought I might as well just become a Gigolo on the weekends so that I can make everything fun into work.

That’s not to say I didn’t pay attention, I did. Sorta. On deadspin.com, Will Leitch made a big deal out of watching ESPNs for 24 straight hours earlier this week. Hell, I did it for about 38 hours on NFL Draft weekend, and that’s when the entire family of networks was showing the same thing.

With that experience in my background, I came up with a few ideas for ESPN/MLB to make the draft broadcast into something worth watching again. Hell, they’ve produced the NFL Draft for the last 2 decades, you THINK they would know what they’re doing by now.

1. The Draft Board - Where in the meetings to make this broadcast a reality did someone suggest ripping off the Family Feud for the board? Mr. Tony and Wilbon’s board for making lists on PTI features greater technological advancements.

2. We do care who’s being drafted - ESPN decided to devote about 60 percent of the screen to some sort of graphics, yet as soon as the supplemental picks hit they decided that showing which team was on the clock is the most overrated part of draft day. That draft logo really did need to be showcased on the upper left.

3. We do care who’s BEEN drafted - If you were watching this without the benefit of some sort of internet tracking device you had real trouble finding out who went where. The “bottom line” scrolled through the picks during each run through. Of course, that meant waiting through the French Open results, Arena Football transaction report and various other insignificant items.

Then you had to devote a half hour to seeing the picks scroll through, but that’s a problem with ESPN’s general operating procedure for bottom line graphics when something takes up more than 13 letters.

Is it too much to ask that you take SOME part of the screen to constantly scroll through the picks that have been made, and who’s due up?

4. Invite all Scott Boras clients to the draft - All we talk about any more with the NFL Draft is the guys sitting there watching the women calculate how many pairs of shoes they can’t buy with each pick that isn’t him. I don’t know what would have been better. Watching Rick Porcello (Dubbed Mr. Mushroom by yours truly) plummet down the boards would have rivaled watching Rick Porcello react to getting millions of bucks, but having to spend all summer in Detroit as the best moments of the day.

It’s also possible that Matt Harvey would have gone nanners on a camera man for getting to close.

5. Take advantage of Jim Callis - The Baseball America guy predicted the first 18 guys right in 2005. Read that again, and then think of Mel Kiper. He’s way more accurate, and he sorta looks like John Clayton minus 30 years and plus 80 pounds (that is to say he’s of average weight). He’s got everything the 4-letter devil needs in a draft guru.

After the Toronto Blue Jays used their second pick of the day to draft Jonathan Arencibia, one of the ESPN guys (Probably KR) talked about how this was unexpected and a bit of a reach. Callis then laid the smacketh down and said that he was fairly certain of the pick the night before.

Callis should have been on the set instead of Gammons, who allegedly “pumped his fist” after Billy Beane’s first rounder. Asked by KR why, Pete said because he saw the guy pitch in college. Spot on, Pete, spot on. I bet when the WWE goes to Boston Gammons cheers every time someone says “Boston” into the microphone.

6. Be less reactionary - Honestly, it’s not draft day that makes the NFL draft so good, it’s all the different mock drafts and speculation leading up to it. That’s how the baseball draft got a little bit of internet foothold as well letting it get on TV in the first place.

But I heard no one talk about what was going to happen with the current pick until the pick was made. Have I mentioned that Jim Callis was on the broadcast and had the first 18 right in ‘05?

SPECULATE!

7. Change the Day - Suggesting moving it to Saturday is obvious.

8. Replace Bud - Look dude, I know you’re the commissioner. I’ve even softened up on you lately because you’ve not been all bad since “The Tie,” but honestly, when you look down at the card we have to see the top of your head. Not very flattering. Then you read the picks with all the enthusiasm of Ben Stein taking roll. “Beaven, Beaven, anyone, Beaven?”

Get Cal Ripken Jr., to man the podium. He’d be competent. Or if you want to get crazy, get Ted Kennedy. You’d pass the NFL Draft in viewership if you can make that happen. “With the First Pick in the 2007 First-Year Player Draft, The Tampa Bay Devil Rays select, David Hyde Pierce, Vanderbilt.” Seeing him demolish names like a car on - too easy. Seeing him obliterate names like a drunken. It’d be funny alright, funny as hell.

That, and hearing him pronounce Los Angeles hurts my brain.

9. Replace the Card - Honestly, the whole Nick Schmidt pick sticks out I my mind as the lasting memory of the broadcast.

Quoth the Bud: “Nicholas Schmidt, Left Handed Pitcher, University of Arkansas-Fayetteville, Fayetteville, Arkansas.” I remember as the pick was made, I heard that he pitched at the University of Arkansas-Fayetteville and wondering to myself where the hell THAT school was.

Did I miss anything?

The Best Defense is a Horrible Offense

When I was a kid, one of my mom’s favorite sayings was, “There’s no need to make a Federal Case out of it.” Mom never met Michael Vick.

Federal investigators reportedly descended upon Vick’s Virginia dog-fighting compound (Crimes always happen at compounds, not at rural Virginia homes), looking for evidence of dog fighting. The AP reports that more than a dozen vehicles entered the compound, as they injected themselves into an investigation nearly 2 months old.

Vick has been silent about the development, but he’s found an unlikely champion in the fracas. The prosecutor who was investigating him. Per the AP, Surrey County Prosecutor Gerry Poindexter said, "What is foreign to me is the federal government getting into a dog fighting case." Keep in mind they only did this after a search warrant given to local investigators expired.

Further comments from Poindexter, again per the Associated Press: "I know it's been done, but what's driving this? Is it this boy's celebrity? Would they have done this if it wasn't Michael Vick?"

I’m not a genius, but I’m thinking it’s being driven by Poindexter’s slow-to-react “investigation.” I don’t know if they would have “done this” if Ron Mexico weren’t involved, but I’m sure they wouldn’t have if Poindexter had instructed police to execute the search warrant rather than sit there doing nothing.

Reading the comments of Gerry, it’s possible that rather than defending Vick, he’s simply trying to cover his own ass, since he didn’t want to make a federal - errr local - case out of it. That is, until he goes there.

“There's something awful going on here. I don't know if it's racial. I don't know what it is,” Poindexter concluded. Poindexter, who’d black, didn’t specify if the racist acts of the federal government were directed at Vick for fighting dogs or himself for being an incompetent prosecutor.

If I were Michael Vick, I’d be sleeping pretty well tonight. After all, it’s not that often that the prosecution in a case goes on the offensive for the defense.

(Note, I use the pic of Jack because he's a "FEDERAL AGENT!" There are more of these Jack Bauer Motivational Posters)

EXCITING TITLE DRAWING INTEREST FOR SUBSTANTIVE CONTENT

Andy Roddick lost for the second straight year in the first round of the French Open.

I know, it’s not really news. Anyone not named “Federer” (or Nadal on the clay at Roland Garros) losing at a men’s tennis tournament isn’t exceptionally shocking, but rather expected. Yet listening to Sporting News Radio the news of Roddick’s defeat was able sneak into the Flash.

It got me thinking of the athletes who make news despite being not-news. The guys who get play in the media despite not being able to play. So I started thinking of some guys, and with the help of the most intelligent listening audience in the world, we came up with a list.

First some rules: The list is fluid. After game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, Lebron may have made it, but the last two games have gotten him off the list. For now.

A guy may also find himself on the list despite being pretty good, the list is determined by disparity between how hyped he is and performance. The greater the hype, the more that’s expected of you. If this were a hype-list about TV Shows, for example, you’d find Lost right in the middle. While it may be good, it’s not THAT good.

For simplicity, we also eliminate guys who were draft busts. That’s based on projection, so there’s obviously some room for error. That’s how Ryan Leaf avoids the list, because he was hyped coming out of Pullman, but no one actually believed he was good once he got on the football field.

This list is about the right now. Yes, at one point Bill Simmons was hilarious, must-read material. Now, unless you care about the NBA or eat clam chow-dah you spend most of your time reading his columns saying, “Hey, I remember when he played at Duke,” or “crap, more about The Real World, seriously?”

Finally, to quote Jackie Childs, the list is capricious and arbitrary.

We present the list to you beginning with number 1. Why? Because if we tried to build anticipation throughout the list, we’d just be adding to the hype of:

1. Michelle Wie - Playing with women, we mention her as often as Si Ri Pak. Her marketing team thought it’d be a better idea to have her lose to men. Her marketing team = no hype, all substance.

2.. Andy Roddick - Seriously, the only thing this guy has done in the last 3 years is steal Alex Rodriguez’s nickname. He’s tennis’ “Great White Hype.” Hey Andy, Jim Courier called, wanted to know what you’re bringing to the Nick Bollettieri washed-up pot-luck.

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - He’d probably deem his appearance on the list as “bullshit,” but we’d just dock his performance score.

4. Anna Kournikova - Not only could she not play tennis, but she wasn’t even hot enough to live up to the hype. She’s good looking, but she’s not violate-the-law hot like Sergei Federov thought she was. She was even out-Anna’d by Maria Sharapova, which has her down on the list. In 1999, this is her list.

5. David Beckham - I know 2 soccer players: Beckham and Pele. If I know who you are as a soccer player, you better be the best who ever lived. Otherwise, you can’t possibly live up to the hype that’s brought you to my attention.

6. Tony Romo - This one is personally painful, but deserved. You guys broke out the anointing oils, and look what you did. The NFLN broke out a special called “Who is Tony Romo?” On one hand, it says the hype isn’t all that, because people apparently didn’t know. Then again, I didn’t see a special called “Who is Samkon Gado?”

7. Roger Clemens - Ever notice how every time he loses he walks off the mound holding his groin or his hammy or some other fake injury? That’s just a side note. He is going to pitch half a year for a team with little playoff hopes, and his minor league rehab starts make TV. Michael Jordan, Izzy Alcantera, Delmon Young and Roger Clemens - The only people who’ve EVER gotten MiLB on TV. He still performs decently when he decides the fawning and begging has been enough to take a teams millions, but his hype is so great it’s allowed an obvious steroid user to have his name virtually untarnished by the scandal. Side note: Ever notice how since testing became mandatory in spring training, he’s not gone to spring training?

8. Brett Favre - He had trouble living up to his hype in 1996. Now 11 years later, he’s just a drug addict that used to be good and complains too much. I think he had more concussions than Steve Young, because he still thinks it’s 1996.

9. Tim Tebow - Chris Leak did 95% of the legwork in taking Florida to an undefeated MNC, but yet Gator fans clamored for Tebow. LaRon McClain was better on 4th-and-short than Tebow, yet Tebow gets all kinds of pub. They’ve even bastardized Tom Seaver’s nickname for him. I’m sorry, a tip-up touchdown does not earn you the rights to “terrific.”

10. Danicka Patrick - I guess for women we have to start comparing their hype to their breasts, because that seems to be the determining factor. Now, she’s borderline, because if we make this list in October, we probably don’t even think of her. She enters the conscious for about 10 days in May.

Honorable Mention: Daisuke Matsuzaka ($103 Million? Really.), Eli Manning (If his hype was his own, he'd be #1), Devin Hester (Remember Dante Hall?), Reggie Bush (Hey, his hype = rent), Nick Saban (Should that be Nick "Bear" Saban?), Chuck Liddel (see Soccer, but without the disdain)

Quoth Mr. Tony, THAT’S IT, THAT’S THE LIST!

Blogservations

Random thoughts from a litany of sports-like items:

Clinton Portis has caught some flack for recent comments that several viewed to be supportive of Michael Vick.

"It's not that big of a deal, Cold sores are herpes, too," Portis didn't say, "It's his wang, if she's who he wants to do, do her."

The Redskins later appologized for Portis, saying they don't support STD's except for those that Jack Kent Cook had.

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Convicted killer Robert Comer was put to death earlier this week, and his final words before lethal injection were: Go Raiders.

Boy, Al Davis must be proud. It's my understanding that the comments were eerily similar to Davis' last remarks before dying in 1989.

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A Steelers employee recently sent a hardcore pornographic video out to pretty much everyone in authority in the NFL. Through my connections, I was able to obtain a copy of the video.

My review: The rocking of the boat made the camera work unsteady.

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I’m not going to say that baseball teams have been knee-jerk in response to Josh Hancock’s death, but since Hancock’s dad filed several lawsuits this week in the wake of his son‘s drive-and-talk-at-twice-the-legal-limit-while-rolling-a-spliff accident, the Cardinals have taken the unprecedented step of banning tow-trucks from the clubhouse.

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Actual headline from four-letter devil.com: Angels jump on Wang early.

Actual response from Leon Phelps: Yeah, um, those guys are bastards. I don’t think 8 is too early for the wang to be jumped on by anyone named Angel, as long as there’s Courvoisier on hand.

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Ruby Young plead guilty that she tried to extort millions from Bart Starr.

Actual response from Leon Phelps: Oooooh, a story about a lady.

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Phoenix Coyotes assistant coach Rick Tocchet plead guilty to charges that he ran a gambling ring. Tocchet knew that if the case went to trial, the odds were against him.

One gambling rink had acquittal at 10-to-1.

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Thank you, thank you, that’s all for me! You’ve been great!

Outside the Texas Rangers - May 17

I know it’s been a few weeks since I took the time to look at Evan Grant’s Inside the Texas Rangers and answer questions that I wasn’t asked.

I know I fell behind my goal for 7 posts in 7 days. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a pair of them in today. It’s not like I’m lacking for ideas – I added 2 more half-posts to my documents yesterday.

If you don’t know, here’s the deal. Someone asks the Dallas Morning News’ Rangers writer Evan Grant a question. Without reading his answer, I provide one myself as I try to maintain my critical thinking skills.

His answers can be read here.

Q: Given the Rangers' disastrous beginning to the 2007 season, will they have the strength to stay the course and continue to try to build a team around pitching and defense or will they waffle like they have many times in the past?

Bob Womble

A: Bob, I don’t think the Rangers have a choice but to dance with the one’s who brung em – even if it means getting their toes mangled, backs thrown out and, um, calves strained.

There’s not really much they could do to try and reinvent the roster. Some bullpen arms, Ian Kinsler, Mark Teixeira and (for the time being) Michael Young are desireable commodities, but you can’t say that much for the rest of the team. Sure you could try to deal Brandon McCarthy, but you won’t get near what you gave up. The rest of the guys aren’t being asked about too much, I don’t guess. The farm is near barren, so you can’t even raid the silos for magic beans.

This team hasn’t hit, pitched or fielded well thus far, so if Jon Daniels wants waffles, he has to buy milk, flour and a waffle iron. I don’t think he has the budget to do that mid-season. The question comes after the year – when Tom Hicks has to determine if being pancaked in the standings is enough reason for him to look for a different chef.

One last thing to mention however, we know that Ron Washington has been with under performing teams at this point in the season. He’ll be a steadying force for the team, and history tells us the players will play better. It might be a reach for Michael Young to get 200 hits, but I don’t think he’s going to be a top of the order albatross all year. It COULD get better.

Q: I know Nelson Cruz hit the game-winning home run on Mother's Day. But am I the only one who thinks that even John Mayberry Jr. could post those same numbers, if not slightly better? A batting average of .193, with only one home run?

Josh and Tom are always raving about his power displays during batting practices, but obviously that hasn't transferred into any game display. Are the Rangers looking at the trade market to see if any other options are available, or is Victor Diaz gonna have to do if Nellie continues to struggle?

Michael Botello, Jacksonville

A: Who would you have them trade? As discussed before, there’s not many pieces to disassemble in a fire sale. Trading Eric Hurley for an outfielder is stupid, trading Ian Kinsler for an outfielder is stupid. The only thing they can do is make stupid trades unless we’re talking bullpen arms or finally telling Mark Teixeira good-bye.

But if you trade Akinori Otsuka you’re left in a position where even if the outfielder you get hits, and the other guys on the team follow suit, you still don’t have any assurances that you’ll win games 7-5 when the bullpen (as witnessed in the series opener versus Tampa Bay) can’t get a lead.

So they’re looking at the market – I’m sure Jon Daniels has called Omar Minaya about Lastings Milledge, but you don’t have much to give up for him and there’s no guarantee he’d be better than Cruz or Diaz at this point.

With Wilkerson on the DL, the Rangers brought up Kevin Mahar who could hit, but more than likely becomes bench fodder who’ll then be optioned down after batting below the Mendoza Line in about 18 at bats. Then they’ll try to clear him from the 40-man roster to pick up a spot starter off the scrap heap.

The only thing you can do, and this is solid advice, is pay more attention to Cowboys mini-camps and OTAs. It’s looking like a long, hot, swealtering, long, long summer in Arlington. Right now, the only thing worth the trip there is seeing construction progress on Beyond Jerrydome.

Q: Based on the season so far, the Rangers will not contend for the division, therefore players like Eric Gagne and Kenny Lofton will be available to trade. What can they get in return in the form of top prospects? What teams would be interested? I would like to hear your input on other possible scenarios.
Jose Orozco

A: In terms of top prospects how do the names Ricardo Rodriguez and Edwin Jackson sound? Lofton is less than worthless in trade now, and Gagne might want to remain off the DL for a month if he’s looking for a ticket north (or west, east or south).

For those guys you’ll be lucky to get much, and in terms of top prospects you might get another team’s Edinson Volquez, who’s had his fastball closer to the plate than his name to any prospect lists recently. That’s really not a complement.

Then again, sometimes top prospects who don’t get playing time and get lost in one organization’s shuffle end up amounting to something, so it never hurts to pick up talent that one team has given up on. The Rangers have done this in the past. Remember when Todd Hollandsworth was getting at bats? OK that didn’t work out for them, really. As hard as it is to believe, one team gave up on Travis Hafner and Adrian Gonzalez. Though, I suspect that doesn’t make you feel better.

Also, at some point, they’ll start talking about moving Mark Teixeira, and he’ll bring in some top prospects in return.

Q: Do you think what we are seeing with the Rangers is the product of a system change? Do you think that the skipper is trying to change mind-set and showing he believes in these young guys? Like Nelson Cruz? Also, I see Mark Teixeira as not being clutch. Am I mistaken?
John K., Cleburne

A: Lets go from bottom to top here, John, and start with the Teixeira question. I believe I agree with you. With the team in the middle of a battle for the division in April he looked horrid.

Last September, with a pennant on the line, he wilted as well. Let’s not pretend he’s been futile in games that count, because, well, he hasn’t been in many games that count.

The idea of “Clutch” is hard to quantify, but Mark Teixiera is usually hitting, or he’s not. In April he was never clutch, because he was never hitting. As he heats up he’ll be clutch because he’ll be getting hits.

I wouldn’t necessaraly say you are or aren’t mistaken, I’m saying it is still a question.

As to your question about change – there are definatly things that have changed. In 2004, there were no expectations on the club. They went out for most of the year playing like Kenny and 24 kids. This year there was talk of playoff runs and resources (money, prospects and draft picks) put into free agents. These things led to increased expectations.

Ron Washington came in and told the players it was their team. Perhaps what we’re seeing is THAT change – from Buck Showalter’s team to the players’ – is one that these guys weren’t ready for.

More than game decisions, that’s the effect of the Washington regime. It’s not young guys who aren’t hitting. It’s young guys, guys in their prime, and the over-the-hill gang that’s stinking. He doesn’t have a ton of veteran options to turn to, he has to win and lose with the guys he’s got.

Q: Anybody besides me starting to see a similarity in Ian Kinsler and Alfonso Soriano/ Steve Sax? In the words of Barney Fife, Ian better "nip it! nip it! nip it!"

Dick Barron, Fort Worth

Steve Sax got baseball’s version of the yips. Couldn’t clear his head to make throws, and then his body followed. Seems that Kinsler’s errors are because his mind isn’t getting his body in the right place. Not to say he’s disinterested and watching bugs in the lights, but he’s not getting himself to the right spot. .

When he starts thinking about what he’s thinking about – then we’ve got a problem. As it is, he’s still gaining experience. While looking for reasons the team has played as it has, it’s easy to look at Ron Washington and question. But no one will question his reputation as an infield instructor. I’d expect Kinsler to start fielding his position better; Washington will get that much out of this team.

Q: A few years back, Tom Hicks was going to create a new regional TV network with the Rangers. Then Fox Sports drove a dump truck of money up to his house, and that idea was forgotten about with the FSN contract. My question is this: What is the status of that TV contract – when does it actually expire, and has there been any talk of Hicks revisiting this idea now that he owns a third sports franchise?

Joe Siegler

A: Tom Hicks played the media game before merging his AM/FM radio group with Clear Channel, so he’s shown he can be successful. Though he’s also won a title with the Stars showing he can be a successful owner, but it hasn’t translated to the diamond.

Contracts like that one are exceedingly hard to break, and it was a long, LONG term deal if I recall correctly.

I’d suspect that the talk from Hicks was done to make sure FSN didn’t try to low-ball him on the new contract. He did the TV Contract version of a parent counting to three, and Fox backed down at 2 and 7/8ths.

Fox knew that prime realestate like baseball teams was the only way to stay viable in the market, and when there was a potential alternative they came back to the negotiating table. So the talk served it’s purpose.

Unless I missed something, Hicks’ third team is a soccer franchise. I think he’s smart enough to see that creating a network out of a futile baseball team, a hockey team and a soccer team would be a little bit like starting a beauty paegent with a midget, an amputee and a girl with no teeth.

Q: I read in a blog recently that Ron Washington is already a washout, the gap between Buck Showalter's heavy hand and Washington's "no hands" is too great for this mediocre team to bridge. I don't think so, but I am interested in your thoughts on the matter.

David W. Motley, Chicago

A: I’m willing to write off the season as a loss. I’ve done it in prior years, and I’m close to that point now.

But there’s no way that I’m willing to sell Washington down the river yet. He’s managed less than half a year, and there’s certainly a learning curve. His has been steep, sure. His top pitcher has gone on the DL, his top slugger stunk, and pretty much everyone fell below expectations. Part of that goes on him, sure, but the majority goes to the players.

It’s up to the manager to push the right buttons on a team, but so far one button has released a hungry bear, and the other a tiger. There’s not been much he could do.

There’s also growing discontent with Rudy Jaramillo and Mark Connor, but if you look across sports the most successful teams are the most consistant teams. Right now, the only thing that will help long term is for the entire organization to make a committment.

Look at Bill Cower – one year his Steelers were in the bottom 10 of the league, then they had the best record, then won a Super Bowl, then they missed the playoffs. Was he any worse of a coach during the bad years than the good years?

Q: Is there truth to a Tom Hicks-Ron Washington meeting after Monday's loss? Is Hicks about to give the dreaded vote of confidence?

Chris

A: This is a question I don’t think I can answer without ripping off Grant or one of the other writers who are with the team every day. So I won’t field it.

I will say that if a hypothetical meeting did happen, Hicks needs to tell Washington he supports him behind closed doors, then ignore any questions about the meeting or his confidence in Washington. There’s nothing good that can come from the “vote of confidence.”

Q: Tom Grieve stated in a recent broadcast of a game that the Rangers have been outscored in the first inning 68-20 this season. How is this affecting the morale of the Rangers and their ability to trust their pitchers? How do you see keeping the team's morale up? What do you see Ron Washington doing about this?

A: C’mon, you can do better than, “Is falling behind early bad?” It’s been a mailbag with not many comments to take issue with, but this one takes the cake.

Let me answer your questions directly though: It means they can’t trust the starters, the team’s morale couldn’t be lower if they started losing control of their bodily functions, and I see Washington asking Jon Daniels to get pitchers who don’t blow goats.

How’s that?

Q: While I am not yet ready to give up on this year, would the Mets be interested in Vicente Padilla and whom for Lastings Milledge to fix our center-field hole long term? What are the realistic chances of Torii Hunter coming here in free agency?

Gary, Richardson

A: The Mets are certainly looking at options for their rotation, but a guy who’s due more than 30 million dollars and has an ERA that’s 100-times the legal limit isn’t much of an option. Due dilligence would also likely tell the Mets that he’s not a fit for New York. Padillia’s likely a Ranger for the long term.

That doesn’t mean that the Rangers can’t pry away Lastings Milledge. He’s likely done in New York. Other teams know this, and Omar Minaya knows they know. Milledge is currently on the DL, and even when healthy probably isn’t going to be traded immediately. The Mets lose nothing by leaving him in AAA, and will be able to wait until someone comes up with an offer that helps them get past the Braves.

At this point, there are no realistic chances of Hunter signing with Texas. He’s not a free agent, and won’t be for more than 5 months. The team doesn’t know how it will be made up in July, much less in November. Chill out.

Q: Hey, where’s my question?

Adam J. Morris, Houston

A: I was asking the same thing!

The Josh Hancock Legacy

I know, I know. I have prommised to be more bloggy. Unlike my regular job where I just let my ramblings spew forth and pay the consequences later, here I have the ability to edit myself.

Part of the blogging is that it's a free-flowing exchange of thoughts and ideas. While they flow, I've got about half of 800 posts saved on the computer waiting for me to go back, seeking the proper level of perfection. It's a function of procrastination. Anyway, I'm hoping to make 7 posts in 7 days this week (Including 2 or 3 "other people's mail" entries. The first 2 of the week deal with the month old story of Josh Hancock, since we have had a little time to gain perspective on it.

There’s been some kind of social uprising since the death of Josh Hancock. It’s now bad for baseball teams to make alcohol available in the locker room.

When baseball players wrap up a day’s work, it’s later than when you or I get off work. By providing it for the players, it saves them from having to go out to drinking establishments where they are more apt to find trouble. I’ve been there, you’ve been there. Rarely do good things happen at bars. Baseball players are at a greater risk than you or I. In fact, baseball players at bars put YOU at a greater risk.

Then we go back to the old ad campaign - Friends know when to say when. Is a baseball player more likely to jump into a car while inebriated when surrounded by general hangers-on and enablers, or around members of a team to whom he feels some obligation? I’d state it’s more likely that a player is prevented from injuring himself or others under the influence if he partook at the office instead of a strip joint or, I don‘t know, a party cruise.

If a baseball club allows beer to be served, does that state some kind of endorsement to imbibe by the club? Perhaps, but it’s no stronger of an endorsement than, say, playing in Miller Field or Busch Stadium.

What happened to Hancock is sad. For his teammates, for his family. Tragic is what happened when another St. Louis athlete got behind the wheel of a car after drinking. Leonard Little killed an innocent woman. Leonard Little had not been in the Rams locker room prior to committing vehicular manslaughter.
Drunken driving is an epidemic in our society, there’s no doubt. I just don’t think that banning alcohol in a clubhouse is doing anything to stem the tide. Yet people find the need to praise baseball for taking a proactive stand (even though it’s reactive, and misguidedly so), when really all they are doing is encouraging more players to do what Josh Hancock did - go out to an uncontrolled environment and have a few drinks.

Oh, I almost forgot the real motivation for baseball’s teams to stop making alcohol available: It saves them from being liable when someone like Josh Hancock goes out and kills himself. Oops, did they not mention that?

Outside the Texas Rangers 4/25

Actual emails from people who know nothing about me, it’s Evan Grant’s Outside the Texas Rangers.

You’re getting the drill by now, I hope. Someone does a mailbag, I answer it for them with generally less regard for not making my fans sounds stupid since, well they’re not my fans.

The actual answers are here

Q: Was there any inkling during spring training that the bats would be this bad? No one outside of Kinsler is hitting much at all. Did anyone see this coming?

Dave Stewart

Yes, and No. The team knew there were questions with the team’s lineup. They started with Sammy Sosa, with no one able to predict what would happen once he faced real pitching looking to get him out. Brad Wilkerson and Hank Blalock were both returning from off-season surgery and in the spring there were mixed results. Nelson Cruz and Gerald Laird were also being asked to do something neither had done before.

So there were some inklings of trouble, but there have been 4 things that were harder to ID:

Kenny Lofton – Players are expected to drop off as they get older, but Kenny had avoided that. I think every expectation was that his game would translate well into what is old age for a ball player.

Michael Young – A batting champion, a good two strike hitter, and someone who’s about as unflappable as it gets as a hitter. You tell me one person who thought he’d start like he has, and I’ll tell you one person who’s obviously dopey.

Mark Teixeira – He didn’t heat up until midseason last year, but that was easy to blame on the World Baseball Classic. Every expectation was that even if he didn’t start off like he finished, he wouldn’t be the same hitter who looked uncomfortable in the box last April.

Frank Catalanotto – Dependability at the plate was his best asset. You knew you were going to get a good – not great, not bad – hitter. Or you THOUGHT you knew that.

It’s just been a worst case scenario for the lineup from top to bottom. Ron Washington’s biggest issue right now is figuring out how to work the guys in and out of the lineup so they stay fresh and don’t think too much. He’s used to slow starts though, from his time in Oakland.

Q: There was a lot of talk this spring about C.J. Wilson being a "Renaissance man." What do baseball lifers think of players who have interests outside of baseball? Do managers give more chances to guys who devote 100 percent of their energy to baseball? Is C.J. Wilson hurting his career by letting it be known that he cares about something other than God, family and baseball, the three interests players typically mention?

Lance Simmons

Every player has outside interests. Every team has entrepreneurs, hunters, and drinkers. Some stay in town, some go home. Some are single, some are family guys. Younger, older... baseball teams are generally an interesting mix of guys from across social, economic, and cultural backgrounds.

CJ’s availability to people sometimes gets him more attention than Wes Littleton’s interests. The old-school types look at him and think he’s a “lefty,” who are stereotypically considered quirky.

The locker room isn’t “Ball Four” or “North Dallas 40” any more. The way CJ helps and hurts his career is on the mound. Even if it doesn’t work out in baseball, I doubt he’s going to teach English to a bunch of dumb Army recruits though, so I don’t think he’ll ever be considered a “Renaissance Man.”

Q: Why did it take so long for the Rangers to give Kameron Loe a start? You'd think a guy who led spring training in ERA wouldn't be sent to the bullpen. When given a chance to start the other night, he obviously did pretty well.

Jason Rohde, Omaha, Neb.

As the first question addressed, spring training isn’t necessarily an indicator of future success. That’s not to say the team didn’t like Loe.

Remember that the place Loe occupies in the rotation got one start before Kam took it. So don’t look at the calendar to determine “so long.” This team has long been short on pitching, and thought they’d have more options at finding guys who could pitch if they gave Jamey Wright a shot in the rotation. One option down, Loe to go.

Long term, it could make Loe hungry to perform, or it could make him into Doug Davis – who faltered every time he thought his spot in the rotation – who didn’t find success in Texas, but since has become a viable alternative for Milwaukee and, now, Arizona.

Q: I was having a discussion with my wife about the quality start. We were basically in [agreement] that the quality start is a baloney stat. What does a quality start actually measure? Why even have it? A pitcher having a quality start does not even do any good if the team loses the game. If a pitcher has a quality start but loses 4-3, what good did it do? Another bogus stat is the hold.

Monte, Dallas

A pitcher’s record is more baloney if you are trying to draw knowledge from the numbers. How good was a pitcher that won 15 games, but gave up a ton of runs? The record is dependent on other people’s performance

Now, the term “quality” might be a little bit generous considering the performance required to get there. Six innings and three runs is an ERA of 4.50. While not bad, is it “quality?” It’s supposed to measure the performance of a pitcher in giving his team a chance to win.

What about a guy that goes 5 innings and allows no runs? He’s still forcing a manager to use the bullpen for 4 innings, which impacts games days down the road.

But baseball has not only the quality start, the hold, but six times more stats than any sport. All are designed to weigh a player’s performance to help determine value (to a team, and in dollars). Taken individually, all stats are basically baloney, to use your terms. But when you look at a pitcher’s ERA, record, ERA+, WHIP (Walks + Hits / Innings Pitched), and a myriad of other stats you hopefully have a better picture of the player.

That’s what ALL stats are for in sports – an attempt to quantify a player’s performance empirically.

Q: I was wondering if you get to listen to a lot of the opposing radio guys on your road trips and how much attention you pay to them. I think Eric Nadel is one of the greats and I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on your favorites/least favorites in the rest of MLB.

JP Heat, Lufkin, Texas

I think Ranger fans benefit from having 4 great broadcasters, and a good set of writers who report on the team.

I don’t get a chance to hear as many different broadcasters as I would like, but much like cheese curd for people in Wisconsin – they are all supposed to be regional flavors. They hope to appeal to the likes and dislikes from the fans nearest to them.

So while I can’t relate to some people, hopefully their team’s fans can.

Here’s a short list of teams who have people calling their games on TV or radio that I’ve listened to enough to like and/or relate to: Florida, Philadelphia, LA Dodgers, Milwaukee, Kansas City, Seattle, St. Louis, Minnesota.

Q: With all the attention A-Fraud is getting for his finally clutch hitting and having walk-off hits, what is the Rangers record for walk-off hits in a season? Career? Same for AL/NL.

George Trost, Grand Prairie, Texas

I need an intern to answer questions like this.

Q: I'm wondering why the Rangers don't bunt more often than they do. I cringe every time Michael Young comes to the plate and there's a runner on first. It seems he almost always knocks into a double play. I grew up as a kid watching baseball and it seems that back then the players bunted more than they do now. Just curious.

Sandra

Their lineup hasn’t been constructed with players who bunt, so that is a factor. Playing in the AL also changes that dynamic – there’s no pitchers spot so each spot in the lineup should be able to hit. That being said, giving up an out that someone who can hit could use to drive not only the base runner in, but himself, is something teams have gotten away from.

But you want to take the bat out of Young’s hands because that’s how you saw it done by your little league coach? I’m going to cringe every time that Evan takes another stupid question from you.

Michael Young drove in 89 players not wearing the number 10 on their back last year. He grounded into 27 double plays, or about once every 25 at bats. That’s one for every four hits. You have quite selective vision.

Last year’s AL batting champ Joe Mauer did it every 21 at bats, runner up Robinson Cano did it at about the same pace as Young. These guys all had 2 things in common: lots of hits, and more double plays than they wanted. But that’s the risk involved with, you know, swinging the bat and making contact.

Q: I am sure you are getting many questions about Michael Young and his lack of being Michael Young, but I would like to add one more to the mix: In your opinion what is going on? Is it his approach at the plate? I know Washington has been stressing taking walks more and Young has always been an aggressive first-pitch swinger. Could it be a mechanical problem he is trying to work out? I am just curious what your thoughts are on this.

Travis, Moody, Ala.

If I had any idea why he isn’t hitting that I could say with any authority I’d call him, not put it in a blog.

I guess my suggestion is to have him bunt more, then atleast Sandra could be happy.

It’s a number of things factoring into his start: His timing could be a tick off, he’s hitting the ball at people when he hits it hard, and now he’s probably over thinking the misses.

The Rangers gave him 80 million dollars because he’s shown not only ability, but also the ability to change when things need it. When he and Rudy figure out what’s wrong, he’ll come on strong. For your sake and mine, I hope it’s soon.

Q: The Oakland A's had a strategy in which they shifted their entire defense to the right side of the field against Teixeira. On Sunday, they continued to pitch him outside. Standard baseball knowledge would tell you that you hit a pitch where it is thrown. That said, would that not mean the A's were going against their own strategy? Is Teixeira not capable of hitting to the opposite field? In that situation, why not drop a bunt? Eric Chavez was standing to the right of where the shortstop would have been. Doesn't add up to me.

The shift is one teams have used for years against left-handed hitters. The temptation from the outside is always go the other way.

That’s because we all think of the old adage “hit ‘em where they ain’t.” Teams think that players like Teixeira will stay with the same approach when hitting, regardless of whether the infield is facing backwards, all on the left, or all on the right.

They are often right, and players will tell you that they won’t be taken out of their game.

Look at it this way: An outfield shifts and shades to play differently against several players. If the left fielder takes four steps towards center, do you then want Mark aiming for left field?

Probably not. He tried this week to beat the shift, and it didn’t work. So not only did he not hit for power, he didn’t get on base.

Now, bunting will likely get Mark on base – assuming he can execute it and not hit it where the catcher or pitcher can get it, not exactly a guarantee since he’s rarely asked to bunt. His job is to hit the ball far.

Another way to keep a team from applying the shift is for Lofton, Catalanotto and Young to get on base in front of him. That’d help with many of the problem’s he’s having.

Q: Is there an injury issue with Brandon McCarthy? His velocity appears to have been down the last two games.

Adam Morris

Ahh, you didn’t let me down. I was worried! Do you keep record of how many times he uses one of your emails? Will you send me an email?

Your question: His ego is certainly bruised, and my hopes are taking a beating. Other than that, I’m unaware of any injuries regarding McCarthy.

Simmons' Chat Crap 4/24

This has taken most of my blogging time here for the last few days, but it’s long as hell.

Simmons did a “chat” the other day, I figured that was like stealing a mailbag. I’ll figure out how to do a “jump” here so that you can get most of these long ass question/answer things after a click rather than having to scroll down the main window and missing posts.

Which I hope to have more of, sometime.

Remember, these are other peoples questions, I just answer them. I don’t read the answer from the intended writer until after I’ve added my own. It's written in 2 segments - one on Saturday night, then finished up tonight. So you can tell sort of a difference in the NBA answers mostly, since the games had just started, and now we're a game or 2 in.

EDIT: No clue on the jump thing, sorry.

Steve (Toronto): Raptors fans or Vince? There's no way around it, one of these two is about to obliterate the vengeance scale as we know it. Which is it going to be?
Since I don’t watch the NBA except in June (when I can see the championship, plus the start of a shiny new season), I can’t answer this intelligently.

But Canada isn’t very vengeful. Outside of flinging poo from their police vehicles/mammals I don’t know what they’d do. However I’d guess some Jersey wore off on Vince in the last few years.

Gimme the Nets. (Also, I know the playoffs started today, but I have no idea who won if these two teams played today.)

Richard (Atlanta): Time for you to be NFL GM for a change. If you're Oakland do you take Calvin Johnson, JaMarcus Russell or trade down?

If I’m Oakland’s GM, I pick whoever Mr. Davis suggests I pick. Isn’t that how it works? Everyone agrees with him, and then we take the fall after we suck with other league-types talking about how we deserved a better situation?

Now, if I’m Al Davis, I take Russell, because I love a QB who can throw it deep. I made up my mind after watching the film (and I mean FILM) of his pro-day.

If I’m the Raiders and I have Al put into a home, I trade Moss for whatever I can get then take Johnson. He’s THAT good. Lets not forget Reggie Ball was his QB in college. That guy SUUUUUCKS, and Calvin still performed. He’ll make any QB look serviceable. Same answer if I’m the theoretical GM of a theoretical team not named the Raidahs with has that option on draft day.

Chris (Ft. Worth, Tx.): Are people crazy or what? Do you honestly think that Golden State has any hope against Dallas. Ok regular season is one thing, playoff time is another. I say mavs dispose of them in 5, not saying it wont be a close 5 games but none the less mavs finish them off fairly easily.

Yes, people are crazy. I was at the mall today since they have both gyros and Chic-Fil-A, and I saw a really hot chick being bossed around by a toothless dude in a hat Ashton Kutcher would wear. I don’t know who’s more crazy though- Her for listening to him, or the dude for not only bossing her around, but having the lack of brain cells to talk to her in the first place. Unless they were cousins, which just makes ME crazy.

Mavs Sweep (again I don’t know the outcome if these 2 have already played).

Craig (Kalamazoo, Michigan):: As a Tiger fan, how long do I have to wait untill I get to see Zumaya with the closing job?

Are you crazy? Oh, wait, wrong question. Todd Jones has been good so far, don’t screw with what is working. Besides, didn’t a new Guitar Hero come out a few weeks ago? I’d say Zumaya gets past Master of Puppets before he gets the closer job.

Robbie (Pound Ridge, NY): Since Payton won the Super Bowl are we officially going to have to change the term "the Manning face" to "the George Bush face"?

Enough with the fucking faces thing already. I think Simmons ripped this idea off from Drew in “Office Space.” Can I get a ruling on this? Karate Kid, Karate Kid, 90210, 90210, Karate Kid!

Benny (Indianapolis, IN): Do the Lakers have any chance of upsetting the Suns?

Kobe can take over a game, even five games in a row and just will the Lakers to win, but the NBA is fixed. I can’t go any further on the NBA without someone giving me an answer as to how a five-seed has home court advantage, and how a two becomes a five with a better record? FIX! FIX! It’s already determined that the Suns and Mavs will meet in the finals.

Jesse (Indianapolis, IN): So I'm curious what you're take is on A-Rod's ridiculous start to the season. Has he finally been embraced by NY and will he play like this when it really matters? Or does he revert to the same old head case we know and love.

Never underestimate the power of the contract year. But yes, he has been embraced by the Yankee fans until he does something they don’t like. How come people talk about the pressure cooker of playing in New York and put it on the Media? Isn’t it the fans? They suck, but there’s a lot of them. BFD. How is it they are considered “great fans” when they turn on you in a heart beat?

Also, check the stats idiot. Don’t listen to the media who tell you A-Rod isn’t good in the playoffs. He’s been bad in his last 3 playoff series, he was good before that - including against the Yankees. www.baseball-reference.com

Ryan (Pittsburgh): Sports Guy what are your thoughts on the Day 6 of 24? For me it's been an upgrade over the previous 2 seasons, but it is still a distant 4th behind seasons 1-3.

Day 6 has been the most bi-polar of seasons. It had the worst episode ever, and the end of the first act just kind of hit you with no build up. The family things were exciting, but then they dropped it without Jack knowing the kid is his. Kim will be uberpissed next year when she learns she has a brother Jack didn’t tell her about. You’d also think Jack would have asked if they found his Dad.

It seems this season wasn’t thought out enough. Just be glad The Ni9e got cancelled, or else we wouldn’t get the Chinese Vengance. Side note: Don’t the Chinese realize it was just a consul and he was shot by his own dude? Commie Bastards.

Plus, Jack is Jack. We’ve had far too many episodes where he wasn’t the focus. The David Palmer stories never felt forced. The Wayne Palmer ones did.

But you can’t make a determination of this season until you see how Jack handles the Chinese. It will either put this season right behind the first on the all-time list, or it will be 6th. I guess it’s like seeding in the NBA Playoffs.

Cheap Plug for www.watching24.com - best 24 site on the net.

Here’s Simmons answer that I just read: Bill Simmons: Wasted year. I'm not giving up on the show, but it's been the worst of the 6 seasons and definitely the worst-written and worst-acted. I'd like to see them do an experimental season where something crazy happens, like Jack has severe diarrhea during the entire season and it's a running theme. "I need to find a bathroom - WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS IT???????"

Bill, you are so dead to me.

Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY): Don't I look like I'm having fun?

Well, you’re all dolled up in your purple lipstick. So I guess you’re like a girl on prom night before she gets drunk.

DJ Smithers, BC: You mentioned that you are trying to take interest in the NHL playoffs. Have you managed to watch (or find) any of the games?

No, I have Dish and no Versus. Which also means no Extra Innings. Screw you, Bud, screw you.

Cameron Dallas, TX: Should I just go ahead and tell my boss I'm taking the rest of the day off and going home to watch your chat? I don't know if I can afford another 3 hour marathon chat without getting fired.

Ego-only question 1

David Stern : Mr. Simmons, come into my office, we need to talk...

What? Are you going to pitch an EOE series? Like Stump the Schwabb, special Simmons edition where it’s all Celtics questions? Seriously, who wouldn’t watch this? You’d watch this! One day when he programs ESPN8.

clipper season tix rep: SO Bill you renewing your tickets for next season?

Stu Scott has crazy-ass eyes.

Marino (Cold Spring NY): With the Yankees traveling to Boston this weekend who do you have for the series?

The Celtics! Shut up, water-head. I realized this week that on my two big fantasy teams, I’ve got Schilling and Beckett. Sucks for me to root for the Sox 2 out of every 5 days.

Chris (Staten Island, NY): I'm guessing your dream NBA lottery sequence would be to have the Celtics get the top pick but the Knicks pick (now the Bulls pick) have the second?

My dream NBA lottery sequence has Pac-Man Jones taking the winnings and makin’ it rain! I’d actually want the second pick though. I like both Oden and Durant, but I save money by picking second, and then I don’t have to make a choice and have it over my head like Sam Bowie.

Jordan (Portland, OR): Is there a new column coming out today or not? Just tell me now, because I don't want to spend the next 4 hours hitting the "refresh" button on the Sports Guys' World webpage if no good is going to come of it.

Ego-only question 2

Pat (Boston): "I believe we (the Celtics) have a playoff-caliber team right now. With no changes." Danny Ainge. Can I get a reaction on this?

They play in the East. I don’t watch basketball and know that a box of poop, toaster, and three Russians can make the playoffs every other year.

Scott (Salt Lake City, UT: All experts are picking the Rockets over the Jazz!! But they seem to forget the Jazz beat the Rockets in Houston a couple of weeks ago and the Jazz were struggling at that time!! I think everyone is downplaying how good this team can be!!

Dum-da-dum-dum-dum!!

Moo (SF): Do the Yankees fans like ARod yet, or will they always hate him no matter what he does? I think he has the worst home run celebration I have ever seen (next to Mike Schmidt's 500th hr dance). p.s. how much weight has ARod put on since last year, and has anyone questioned this yet? He looks big.

What am I the P-Man for the Yanks? I don‘t weigh him nor look at his ass relative to last year. But everyone has questioned it for the last 5 years, assuming this was to get a steroid comment going.

Morgan: (Eugene, OR): Please pass along warm 4/20 wishes to the SportsGal. When is Phish getting back together?

The dope smoker with a Phish question? Go Figure. Wasn’t the Hippie Circus in town or something for you to go buy a hemp necklace? You pot head loser. I see how YOU had time to attend this chat, since you don’t do shit for society. It’s not a holiday, it’s not a sneaky holiday, and I hope you get hit by a bus. I wish they would legalize pot just so half of these disenfranchised fucks who are all about being anti-establishment have to actually question themselves when not being apathetic to life and slacking.

Chipper (NYC): Why does E get to have the smoking hot girlfriend in Entourage? It makes no sense that his girlfriend (Emmanuelle Chriqui) makes all of Vince's girls look ordinary. Your thoughts?

Don’t watch it. But I want to. I like Jeremy Piven since PCU. But the problem is I can’t find Season 1 on DVD. Season 2 is everywhere, but I’m not starting from the middle of anything.

Justin (Boston): How come you didn't write anything about Imus? I thought that was required of Page 2 writers.

I’ve been busy this week doing 6 hours a day on the air, so I failed to live up to my promise to write something about Imus, and my promise to cut the grass.

Mike (Portland, ME): I heard somewhere that Tommy was going to be the Celtics representative at the upcoming draft lottery? Have you heard anything about this?

If you mean Tommy - the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pin ball, I think he’s represented the Celtics at the last 15 drafts.

Turdo Sandowicz, Houston: Assuming we can get past Utah in the first round, does my team have a shot against Dallas?

Turd Sandwich? If you weren’t from Houston, I’d question if that name were real.

Steve - Philly: The best part about the clip of the 85 lottery is the commish taking a big deep breath before reaching in for the envelope, like he is thinking "don't screw this up". Have you started receiving any threatening phone calls yet since you posted the link? If your columns stop any time soon, because your on "vacation" we'll know what really happened!

Ego post #3

Bill, Morristown, NJ: Does the whole Imus thing mean that we can't make fun of women's "basketball" anymore? Say it ain't so, Bill.

We’ve still got horse racing, soccer and Jai Lai. I mean, what’s the deal with a Fronton, anyway? Sounds like Funyuns for salad.

Short answer: No, it does not mean that. We just make fun of the white girls and lesbians.

Dave, Halifax, Nova Scotia: Since we don't get a column before the weekend, how about giving us some NBA predictions? ( I like a Suns Raptors final, but I'm an unabashed homer.)

A homer for what? Don’t you have to be near a team to be a homer for it? Don’t you have to be near ANYTHING to be a homer? Don’t you have to have a HOME? Hey, when the hell did Canada get the internet?

Bobby, Schaumburg, Illinois: If the Bulls get the #1 pick and get Oden. Can we declare a 2nd dynasty in beloved home town? Oh and how funny will it be if there is a dribbler down the line and A Rod tries to karate chop Dice K and Dice K just flat drops him...Yanks/Sawx....gotta love it!

A Bulls/Red Sox Fan? Bet you just LOVED the Nick Saban hiring at Alabama. I want the Celtics to get the first pick and get Oden if for no other reason than I want to see the guy who shoves it up Rick Pitino’s ass that Robert Parrish WAS walking through that door. Anyone who’s seen DC Cab can imagine along with me:

I think that would be like when Tyrone was on the car and saw the drive-in theater and spots Bruce Lee. “BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! I SEE ‘IM, I SEE ‘IM, I SEE THAT KARATE MOTHER FUCKER!

Edited out MTV question

Edited out another MTV question

Edited out a third MTV question

Shar (Great Neck, NY): Any thoughts on Hank Aaron refusing to travel when Bonds finally breaks the record? 2 thoughts on this: (a) any chance every team in the majors will agree to walk Bonds at every at bat so he doesn't break the record? (b) I heard a radio announcer this morning say that A-Rod is on pace to hit a hundred something home runs and would bet that Aaron would travel to see that. I thought it was funny.

It’s funny that someone in my vocation would still say someone is on pace for anything in baseball the first 2 months of the season. Dipsticks like that are why people rip on radio guys. It’s trite tripe. I think, however, that if anyone knows what it’s like to be a leper in baseball it would be Aaron. I don’t like Bonds any more than you do - but people hated Aaron when he broke the record because of how he looked. Now he’s doing the same thing.

John (Dallas): How do you feel about the whole Joe Crawford thing? He seemed like an ass but a good official. Didn't Bennett Salvadore deserve to get kicked out of the league more than Joe?

I think Joe Crawford had money on the games. Would it shock ANYONE if they found out the refs in the NBA were the actual thugs, taking money from organized crime to throw games? Not me.

Marc - Minneapolis: Sports Guy, I have to say, you and I seem to like the same TV shows, so I took your advise and tried to TIVO the 1st season of The Wire on BET, but I didn't get hooked...not sure if it was because of the censors or what, but it just was wasn't great for me man. What up wit that?

I don’t have a DVR, but I’m afraid if I did, I’d never do anything but watch TV. However, I could fit in 2x as many shows by skipping the commercials. However, then I wouldn’t ever be aware of things like the Hillshire Farms spot.

WHEN I SAY HILLSHIRE YOU SAY FARMS! HILLSHIRE……. HILLSHIRE.

Hey, I bet my wife would spring for the DVR just based on not hearing that.

I really don’t have one because once I have it, why should I still pay for it? I’m not paying a monthly fee for something that the dish company doesn’t give me a service for. Let me store my stuff on your servers so I don’t have to delete all the stuff, and maybe.

I’ve heard good things about the Wire though, I’d get the DVD, but HBO is too proud of their stuff.

James (RVC, NY): Who do you think is the most dangerous team for next year out of the teams who missed the playoffs this year?

Either Jacksonville or the Steelers. They’re both pretty good, and I can see the wheels falling off for all three of the AFC top seeds, because the NFL is just that damn unpredictable.

Alf (Baltimore, MD): Since we didn't get a running diary on Wrestlemania, is it safe to say that either a)you just didn't watch it or b) you were as disappointed as I was with the show??

I was rather impressed with Cena actually working a good match, and I’m glad that Kennedy is getting a push.

I hate when people screw up Kennedy’s intro though. It’s the best (only) thing on Smackdown, and every time I watch, part of the spot is for it to be interrupted. No one ever tripped the Ultimate Warrior when he was running like an idiot. WWE, I implore you, let Kennedy go to the ring first always.

Brian, ATL: Bill can we please have a video of you watching the ping pong balls in May? AT least put it on youtube b/c either way it will be hilarious

Huh?

Edit: NBA Lottery Question. Missed that, thought his first EOE venture had something to do with ping pong.

Mike (Los Angeles, CA): Have you ever know a girl as crazy as that chick from the Real World?

I can answer this MTV question, since I don’t have to know which chick he means.

But the answer is no. There’s no people as crazy as Real World chicks, because there’s nothing Real about them. I’ve dated some crazy bitches, but never any Real-World crazy bitches.

Brodie, St. Paul: Best team in the AL? Twins? Yanks? D-Rays? Thoughts.

See: Outside the Texas Rangers II

Brodie, St. Paul: Big T-wolves fan, and I have to say that for the sake of the good of the League, the Wolves CANNOT end up with one of the top two picks in the lottery. If you thought Elgin Baylor is a great Lottery Bungling Mind, wait and see how insignificant Greg Oden can become when playing on a team managed by the Great Kevin McHale.

I’ve really got no response to this. Other than to say you are not a fan. I mean, just like when people rooted for losses to get better picks, at least they were being selfish. Good of the league? Screw that, isn’t that the Ewing excuse for the Knicks?

Also, how come Todd Wright from Sporting News Radio (nee: All Night with Todd Wright) never gets credit for dubbing it “The Association” but now everyone uses it, and it’s all Todd.

Brian- Yonkers: You endorsing Mike and the M/Dog is hard to take. "Angy" Mike was all over Jason Whitlock this morning b/c JW called Imus stupid and irrelevant a few times. Otherwise love all your stuff, especially the book.

NOT ego #4. I am not a big Mike and Mad Dog guy, but give them credit for what they do. They’re the radio version of The Shield for me - I know it’s good, but I just never got into it.

Billy Knight Atlanta GA: I resent you putting Kevin ahead of me. I have worked VERY HARD to bing the most inept GM in the league. Guess I'll have to show you with this years picks.

I’ve never even heard of you.

Shahan (New York, NY): I know it's early, but with Dice-K's lack of run support already a theme, are we seeing shades of Pedro's 2003 campaign? (187 IP, 29 GS, 2.22 ERA, 3 CG, 14-4 record due to lack of runs and bullpen featuring Scott "I guess I'm the closer" Williamson)

It has been a few starts. Are you ready to send Manny down the river as well? Also, Pedro is in the first paragraph of the discussion “best pitcher of his era.” Matsuzaka has 3 starts. Give it a rest.

Edited out MTV Question.

Tom Wondra: West Bend, WI: If Phoenix gets the 4th overall pick in the NBA draft - who would you take?

Not the European white guy. I don’t know what trade the Suns made to get a lottery pick that high, but if they did I’d say Al Horford. Nash is Nash, and Amari was able to NOT get killed by the micro fracture surgery. Isn’t some foreigner their center? If so, you go Horford.

Ryan (worcester, ma): At what age do you have to stop watching reality shows that are supposed to be for teenagers? When your daughter becomes one?

Ryan, you missed the point of a Simmons. He’s able to maintain a perspective of a loser frat boy. He found his voice a decade ago, and he can’t change. It’s a catch-22.

AC/DC stayed true to their sound - and people say they all sound the same. Metallica let themselves grow as musicians and people and people bitch that they aren’t the same as they ever were.

Oh, wait, you were searching for clarification weren’t you? Uh, dude! I’m never going to stop watching MTV! Dennis Leary!

Shaun (Madison WI): Doesn't Isiah Thomas still have to attend the lottery because as of right now all the Bulls have is the option of swapping picks...what would happen if the #1 pick was the Knicks envelope?

Um, Isiah will just send the league a fax informing them that he is shutting down the lottery.

Jack (Cincinnati): Ive ready so many puff pieces on Josh Hamilton that my head is about to explode, but I am now truly excited about the Great Hambino era. Your thoughts?

It’s a great redemption story, isn’t it? Except I hope he fails.

See, I was in a fantasy league with someone who grew up in the same state as Hamilton or something, so he pretended like he was friends with Joshy. He then said Hamilton’s parents got a restraining order on me. It was awesome.

Here’s the problem with the soft-focus job they do on Hamilton. They talk about “Drugs and Other Issues” but fail to delve into the “other issues.” Because then the story isn’t so sugary sweet.

Jack (Ipswich, MA): The Suns appear very unlikely to keep their core together for luxury tax reasons. Don't you think Marion would look good in green?

I honestly have no more thoughts on the Celtics. Not one.

Joe H. (Orange, NJ): What did you think of A-Rod's HR "trot" last night? It looked to me like a tampon commercial. I'M HAPPY...I'M FREE...I'M ALIVE! Only thing missing was a sheer white robe and wild horses in a field of flowers.

Joe, those aren’t tampon commercials. Those are commercials for laundry soap. Tampon commercials are set in real life situations where the woman is in a slightly-below-the-knee black skirt in some sort of public situation like a subway or elevator. Jeez, today’s youth.

Matt (Washington DC): Isn't that the whole point of a luxury tax or a salary cap? To keep a team from stockpiling an abnormal amount of assets? Why is it so good in the NFL that teams can't keep great teams together and so terrible in the NBA?

This is in response to the answer from two questions ago that Simmons gave. The point is so they don’t spend outrageously more on that talent. And the reason it’s good in the NFL is that it keeps the point spreads low so that the people who can’t get enjoyment out of a game with no money involved can bet on more games and have more interest.

Kristen (Boulder, CO): Any guesses as to what ABC's NBA playoff/championship theme song will be this year? Will it actually be from this decade?

I think something by Fallout Boy is a possibility. I don’t know anything by Fallout Boy, but the dude on the Verizon commercial said it got him pumped. That’s the goal. I think. Is there anything more apt though than a white guy singing a super white-guy song for the NBA? I’m hoping for Brooks and Dunn or maybe George Strait.

I know I DON’T want it to be Explosions in the Sky. People love them, but it’s incredibly boring music.

I’d have a better guess is if I hadn’t pretty much given up on new music about 5 years ago.

Dave (NJ): Are you a fan of the UFC? Now that ESPN is actually covering the sport, I assume you can answer a question on it.

I used to watch UFC when it first started, and it was all about winning on that night - going through several rounds.

At some point, I lost interest. I wonder why. It seems to have gotten better and is still based on the simple idea of one guy kicking the hell out of another guy - something I can support. I wish I hadn’t fallen off the boat on this.

**Edited out theme-song discussion**

J.Satts, Denver: I know I'm a homer, but am I the only one who thinks the Nugs have a shot here? AI will prove his worth in the playoffs. Parker can't check him. Talk to me, Goose...

I don’t know what’s worse. The Top Gun reference, or me recognizing it as a Top Gun reference. I think you are pretty much the only one though, sorry.

Brett the Beaver (East Meadow, NY): Bill! Will you finally watch Friday Night Lights?

I watched this at the beginning, but the football was forced, the drama was too television and, yeah, the music from Explosions in the Sky bored me.

Jericho is a much better choice on Wednesday nights. I’m looking forward to Heroes being back. I just hope that next year NBC chooses not to put it next to 24 with about 8 weeks of hiatus on it. How is it that FOX is the only network that can figure out the proper way to run a serialized show is consecutively?

Jeremy (Dallas, TX): So, after the worst NBA regular season in recent history do you think that the playoffs will live up to last years (the best NBA playoffs I've seen in my lifetime) - I'm hoping to end with a rematch of last years finals with Dirk and the boys taking home the prize this time.. As long as Dirk and D-Wade get into a fist fight, I'd love to see a redo of David and Goliath

I’m guessing that this year the refs pick Duncan and the Spurs to screw instead of the Mavs in the finals. I have to - HAVE TO - know why in the hell Dirk lacks ANY killer instinct though? J-Ho has it…in the first quarter!

Also, I’m surprising myself with how much I know about these NBA questions.

James Whitman, MA: Bill, everyone I know seems to be jumping off the "Lost" bandwagon after the hiatus. My friend and I stuck it out and have been very happy with the second part of this season. I compare it to keeping faith in the Sox and finally getting rewarded. Mr. Eko being killed may have been the 03 ALCS, it hurt, but made us stronger. It looks to us like the writers have started to take it in the right direction and are heading towrds their own 04 ALCS and World Series. Any thoughts?

I watched the show a few times, but it seemed like a really, really long episode of the Outer Limits. Without nudity, I couldn’t watch the Outer Limits. Lost has no nudity, so I don’t watch. I guess that makes it more like the 04 NBA Finals.

Also, why does everyone who reads Simmons feel the need to force analogies into the question. I mean FORCED. To me, this is like when you were out dating that one girl who wouldn’t let you in her pants, so you’d try to get her drunk hoping it would let down the defenses on your really crappy offense. So you just kept putting up these really bad shots, and sometimes, one would get through and you’d get to 3rd base.

zoe(atl): Bill, can you rank your top 5 tv shows.

This is rather simple. I’m not going to include any shows that have an anchor, panel or can be watched in person.

Top 5 on the air: 24 (The episode with the developmentally challenged computer genius can’t outweigh 5.5 other good seasons.), Jericho (I guess this is my “Lost” - you watch to get answers that never come), Heroes (Wait, this is my “Lost”), House, and Man vs. Wild.

Honorable mention to South Park, Criminal Minds and Psyche. That’s the list of shows that I try to make it a point to watch every week. Here’s some bonus lists: Top 4 that I haven’t gotten into, but will on DVD - maybe: The Shield, The Wire, Sleeper Cell, Entourage. Top 4 that you screwed up by not watching: Vanished, Kidnapped, Studio 60, and The Black Donnellys.

And the 2 on DVD that you must purchase: The Pretender and Sports Night.

mike (Laguna Niguel, Ca): Whose your best bet for this years Tim Thomas in th playoffs, parlaying some good games into a giant unworthy contract?

This is a Simmons deal. He pointed out this phenomenon and I’m not going to steal it from him. I guess it’s not tired since it only comes around once a year. Now, the Ewing Theory…….

Alex (San Francisco, CA): Bill what happened to you and the EPL. You two broke up quicker than Nicole Richie and food.

I dunno what EPL is. But that’s another forced analogy. Watch how often they come up.

EDIT: It’s soccer. The only thing I hate more than soccer are Navigators with customized decals of a kids name inside a soccer ball. Hey, make it easier for the bad guys to gain a kids trust by telling them the name of the kid they’re trying to kidnap.

Great idea, soccer mom. (This extends to cheerleading bullhorn, baseball bat and football helmet stickers. I’d have quit if my parents did this.)

Dr. House (NJ): BLASPHEMY! How does The Office, House, and 30 Rock miss your list? The Sopranos is often too slow and boring. Despite a down year, 24 is still one of the all-time greats.

Gregory would never say BLASPHEMY. I don’t like the Office - despite the wife liking the British version. It did have some good exchanges like “Would you rather be an ass-faced weasel, or a weasel-faced ass?” For the most part though, I hate shows where people can’t get out of the way of their own stupidity. The moved 30 Rock one too many times for me to keep up with where it’s at, but I like (to look at) Tina Fey, and any show with Brian Fellow has to be decent.

Mike - Coaldale, PA: Have you ever given The Shield a chance? Great show.

I’m hoping to take a week this summer vacation, where I can do stuff like force feed myself 3 or 4 seasons of “The Commish - The Gritty Years”

Daniel (Los Angeles): Admit it: the only reason you're ticked Nikki was killed off is because she's scorchingly hot.

*shrug* Which show was this again? I’m glad this is before the Heroes return, otherwise I’d be pissed that I read a spoiler.

Nati: (Laurel, MD): No comment on the Mavs and their strange rest pattern??? Rest your guys instead of eliminating a team that swept the season series on the 2nd to last day, but don't rest them on the last day against the Sonics!? Were the Mavs scared of trying and losing?

It is a 1 vs. 8 series. You don’t let 8-seeds dictate anything to you. Besides, you stick it to those hippy coffee drinkers in Seattle any time you can for any reason.

Jason, NY: I love how "Pettite Scares you". I do the same thing with the Yanks before a Sox / Yanks series: I build up the other team so I'm not as crushed if we lose, then blow off any wins we do get with "It's not over yet, there's still ____ games to go". I'm never comfortable with a lead or a win until said team has been eliminated from playoff contention.

So is it fun dating the attainable girl and not trying to have sex since you might get her pregnant?

Eric (New York City): Where are the angry emails, those are the funniest part!

If I got email, I wouldn’t have to steal these!

M.J Vera (Las Vegas): If Oden came out and admitted he tried pot once in awhile like the football players did, and that's why he's so mellow, would that give you any second thoughts on teh Celtics potentially drafting him?

You know who is going to KILL Okoye and Johnson? Randy Moss and Warren Sapp. It wasn’t that long ago pot use got them buried in the draft. Now its not affecting draft position at all.

Marc - McWillie Ok: Any excitement at all about Mayweather/De LaHoya?

Boxing did a good job of killing itself, but UFC kicked some dirt on the grave. I don’t even watch UFC, but I know that if I want to watch ass kicking, the good ones are in UFC - so boxing is irrelevant. That said, I hope Mayweather wins.

George (Richmond, VA): I can't recall you ever commenting on "The Black Donnellys." Did you give that show a try or not?

I watch it online via NBC’s website. I think I like it since I’m Irish. Plus, the Irish boss being an ax-toting psycho named “Dokey” makes it all the better.

Dan (Amelia, OH): Hey Simmons, I'm tired of hearing about how Red Sox fans are fed-up with Coco Crisp. Andy Marte hasn't exactly been the second coming of George Brett in Cleveland. Boo-freaking-hoo.

I’m fed up with Wily Mo Pena, killing my fantasy team.

Monte (philly, pa): Favorite Mayweather? Floyd Jr, Roger or Floyd Sr? I think it's Roger handsdown. You better be watching Mayweather/De La Hoya 24-7

Floyd Sr.- Just cause he chose to name a kid “Floyd” after he knew what it meant to grow up named Floyd. I’m sure that helped him get ready for a career of fighting, though.

Curtis, Columbia: What would you do if your team drafted Josh McRoberts? I can't figure out anything that would help that pain

Yet it’s nothing like the pain of the car/motorcycle/rascal accident he’s sure to get into once he signs a guaranteed deal.

Sat (Jersey): Will Sloan get naked on Entourage?

Um. Who?

Deion Branch (Seattle): Will I be worth the Seahawks not having a first round pick next weekend?

To the Patriots - yes. To the Seahawks, no.

Greg Oden (Columbus): Will I be happy in Memphis?

Yes, you already succeeded in a football town, and you seem like you’ll get a kick out of the song Chris Vernon writes about you (The guy who wrote the Coach O song).

Chris (MI): Come on Sports Guy...I read everything you right...and I'm one of 5 Hawks fans left... They could get Oden/Durant and Conley/Law if the ping pong balls cooperate. That's exciting right?

Write.

Danny (Boston, NY): With the fourth pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the Boston Celtics select....Spencer Hawes, C from the University of Washington. Your reaction?

NO MORE CELTICS QUESTIONS!

Aaron Nashville TN: Will Kobe be passive against the Suns like he was in last years playoffs?

No. I don’t suppose. He’ll go for 50 about 3 times, but they’ll lose every one of them.

PattyO (Austin): Maximo Park or The Fratellis?

Who and who? Proximo on Gladiator helped Maximus. I bet that’s where that name came from.

Dave (Cambridge, MA): Apparently the Grizzlies are considering Boston's Chris Wallace to replace Jerry West. Would that be a good move?

Bill Clinton owned him on Fox, so I guess not.

Jared (Atlanta): Am I the only one expecting Tim Duncan to go off in the playoffs like Clint Eastwood at the end of "Unforgiven" and just wipe everybody out? You know Timmaaaa's not happy about losing Game 7 at home to the Mavs last season and he's healthy again. I have a feeling that if the playoffs were "The Departed", at the end Tim Duncan's going to by Mark Wahlberg minus the plastic bodysuit.

Two forced analogies in one note. Impressive. Who’s Matt Damon in this scenario though?

My favorite past time now is seeing Chase from Nina’s last season of 24 pop up in random movies, and wondering what would happen if Jack were there to help him. So far, I’ve got The Departed and The Black Donnellys on the list.

Ben ((Charlotte)): Bill, you seem to be in to indie rock, mind if i throw a couple bands out there? Broken Social Scene, Pinback, or Minus the Bear?

Minus the Bear is interesting. As a band name. The rest sound lame.

Chip (NYC): Seriously, what does it take to get into one of your chats? I never read your book because I'm a Yankee fan and I could die in peace 9 years earlier so I can't suck up to you about it. I'm on edge here William. It's the first nice day in months and I'm stuck at work rather than looking at hot chicks in short dresses - throw me a bone!

You made my fake chat, if that’s any help?

Matt Millen (Detroit, MI): Im eyeing Calvin Johnson like a juicy steak.

The strange part about this whole Lions WR thing - most times when he took a wideout, it was the best guy left on the board. If he’s not taken first, that’ll be the case with Calvin. I think he HAS to take him, and then he can make a trade. He’ll have all the cards, as of right now people think he won’t make that move because of the PR. But once it’s done, he can let them know he is that crazy. It’ll be like the Eli pick for the Chargers.

Dallas (Carrollton, TX: You think Chikils is short, I saw Keifer in Shereveport after the Mr. Brooks filiming (new Costner/Demi Moore movie) and he was wearing super tight jeans, a jean jacket that looked like it had some studs on the sleeves and holding his girls purse or his own man bag. I've never looked at 24 the same again. Plus he's legitimately 5' 6". Costner though in person is straight out of Tin Cup. AWESOME!-

I don’t see a question in there. But OK. Yes, he’s short. I hope his bag was the green duffel that he had in Season 5, and had magically appear after Die-Hard-with-a-Vengancing Fayed. I want one.

** Edited duplicate boxing question**

AW (PHX): The worst part about living on the west coast is that when your chat is over, I will still have 4 to 5 hours to kill before happy hour. Any suggestions what to do with the time?

Ego question #4

Jonny (Summersville, WV): Did you ever check out 'Extras' on HBO? Not your cup of tea?

HBO, the Red Sox, NBA and boxing. Simmons’ fans are in tune with what’s popular.

Mike, St. Paul, MN: Speaking of,"Best Of's" DVD's. Whoever picks the best of's for the SNL DVD's needs to be fired. I bought the Phil Hartmann one and it was terrible. It didn't even have Dysfunctional Family Feud.

I want an SNL DVD with all the Brian Fellows, then all the Celebrity Jeopardy. It’s not the actor stupid, it’s the characters.

Mike (Baltimore, MD): Why do some people throwing out the first pitch wear a glove?

I’m just going to let that linger for everyone to think about. Good question, Mike.

DM, OH: we deserve every episode of larry sanders on dvd -- why o why are they releasing a greatest hits instead of season 2?

When I bought “Malcolm in the Middle” there was a coupon inside for Season 2 “coming this fall” - that was about 4 years ago.

The good news is, WKRP put it’s first season on DVD today. AWESOME.

Sridhar (TX): SA did not lose to Dallas because of the foul. They still had the last shot in regulation and they still had the overtime to win it. So please stop saying that DALLAS won because of Manu.

They weren’t as good a team. Bottom line. Neither were the Heat, unless the refs count as “Heat.”

Jason (ATL): alright simmons, whats your top 5 bands that get no love from mainstream media??

Cowboy Mouth.. Um… Cowboy Mouth… Did I say Cowboy Mouth? Check their live show if you enjoy music and it’s anywhere near you.

I have a plan one day to start a radio station that plays stuff from about “Master of Puppets” to Saliva. Just 90s rock, and I’m going to get rich doing it unless Clear Channel or Cumulus steal the idea from reading my blog.

Tim (Gainesville, FL): Sebastian Telfair just got arrested for having a gun...any thoughts?

Has Urban Meyer offered him a scholarship yet?

Adam (Frederick, MD): Went into a music trader shop last week to buy Big Red Letter Day by Buffalo Tom. They did not have it, am I old still listening to them and wanting to buy an album I lost a while back?

I think you’re old for calling it an album and buying it instead of downloading it. Sadly, I’m an old 27.

Dan (Tewksbury MA): August 16 is the 40th anniversary of Tony Conigliaro's injury. It's time to retire his number. Thoughts?

I think it’s time to retire talking about whoever the hell you are talking about.

Brian (Chicago): I credit you for the Silversun Pickups recommendation a few chats ago. Can't stop listening to it. Thanks

No sweat.

Tom (Centreville, VA): Saw Silversun Pickups live a few weeks back with Snow Patrol. They stunk. The sound system was terrible. I could understand a word. Then I get in the car after the concert and hear one of their songs. I thought :Where the hell were they tonight"? So I should buy the cd and hear it all?

Blah Blah Blah. Cowboy Mouth.

Graham (CO): Simmons, who ya got the Pats taking in the 1st round. They are doing everything right this off-season, I am just glad you guys have to come to the track in Indy this season.

Whatever they did would be called “right.” For years, they don’t sign anyone and it’s cause they don’t want to over-pay. So then they start over-paying everybody and it’s a great move cause they’re filling holes. I’m unimpressed, and think they’ll used Thomas wrong.

Carricker is a lock to be one pick if he’s there, then they’ll go with a corner on the second pick.

Joe (Norton, MA): How can South Park not be in any man's top 5 favorite shows?

The same way Peyton Manning never wins an MVP. You just expect so much it’s hard to live up to it.

Joe (Washington, DC): Mute Math is excellent, especially live. Their drummer duck tapes ear phones to his head. Check it out http://youtube.com/watch?v=K6FUDOV9Glo

Ducktape huh? I should listen to their music based solely on that info. But I won’t.

Pat (Boston): You may have not been told, but one of the worst parts of the spring this year is the Sox replacing Trupiano with 2 generic JoeBuck-esque hotshots on the radio. As the only sub-80 year old who listens to every game on the radio, these guys just don't sound right with Castiglione, they've got no connections to '04, and if the Sox ever start hitting some dingers I'm going to seriously miss the "Way Back!" call...

Sucks for you. I’m sure they’re better broadcasters than anyone in Boston, you’re just too big an idiot to realize it.

Mike (New York): How far can the Suns go this year in the playoff? Can they beat Dallas in 7?

They can beat Dallas in 4. But it won’t happen.

Mike (Baltimore, MD): Think there is any chance the Pistons have an '04 run, Chauncey is in a contract year, Closer needs a championship, Prince always plays, and they are nearly as dinged up. No one gave them a chance then either.

I think they do it just to piss off Ben Wallace. They won’t win the Finals, but they’ll get there this year as the window closes. I think the Bulls take it next year.

Rob (Houston): If Silversun Pickups opened for the Smashing Pumpkins on the Pumpkins reunion tour, how would people know when the other band came out?

When it became hard to breathe because Billy Corrigan’s head sucked out all the oxygen.

Jim, Boston Massachusetts: Hey Bill, who ya got wining the NBA finals?

Mavs.

Evan NYC: SG- Have you seen Planet Earth yet? best show on TV

No. Sounds smart. So it can’t be the best.

Stuck in Corporate Tax: Kill me, this class will never end. Sports guy, give me a link that will eat up some time.

www.deadspin.com www.sportsgonesouth.com and google.com - Cheap plugs of sites I’m hoping to get a link from.

Kristin (Denver): Where's the girl love? When's the Sports Gal Chat?

When ESPN works out the bugs in their streaming video/credit card system. See, that's meant to imply..never mind.

**Edited Sports Gal Question**

Kmart, California: Raptors - Nets: Do you think any other arena is going to get as loud and angry as the Air Canada Centre, when Prince Carter steps on the floor? The city (Toronto) is in a frenzy.

Remember back in like 90 or 91 when the NFL tried to penalize teams for their building’s being too loud? That kinda sucked.
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There you go. I've got some blogservations that I'll have up at some point in the next couple days. I actually try to formulate those into sentences, so it could take some time.