An unproductive day at work

...leads to a very productive day on the ol' blog.

The New York Daily News put Barry Bonds on Trial.

Now, after getting all semantical on this bitch a few minutes ago, I decided to put Barry on trial. But I'm not talented enough to summon 12 baseball greats, just George Mitchell.

Transcript Follows.

Bonds: You want answers?
Mitchell: I think I'm entitled.
Bonds: You want answers?
Mitchell: I want the truth.
Bonds: You can't handle the truth.

Son, we play a game that has records, and those records are beaten by men with bats. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Bob Costas? I have a greater responsibility to this game than you could possibly imagine. You weep for Hank Aaron, and you curse BALCO. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That these homers, while tainted, made history. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, made the rich richer, kept ESPN on the air and helped keep this game in the forefront of the public conscious despite every other option.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places that you don't blog about, you want me in the batters box, you need me in that batters box. We use words like gate receipts, ratings, merchandise. We use these words as the backbone of a career spent entertaining someone. You use them as a criticism. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who cashes in on and capitalizes under the blanket of the very entertainment that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat, and take a swing. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Mitchell: Did you take the cream and clear?
Bonds: I played the game the way...
Mitchell: DID YOU TAKE THE CREAM AND CLEAR?
Bonds: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

So yeah, NY Daily News, what I do want is for you to stand there in that faggoty white uniform and with your Harvard mouth extend Bonds some fucking courtesy.

Parody is much more difficult. That's why Weird Al Rules.