You may remember
But it’s not the lawsuits against the Snitches, Skittles, Guantanamo Bay, LeBron et. al., or even Barry Bonds that has made Mr. Riches our almost-friend. It was when he first burst (busted? Bust?) onto the scene for his lawsuit against Michael Vick entitled “Theft and Abuse of my Animals.”
Chances are, Mr. Riches will never rightfully be compensated the $63 billion-billion he’s requested. He’ll never get his dogs back, convince the Supreme Court that Michael Vick has Iranian missiles, or have his credit restored from the Doggie Warehouse account Ookie opened under his name.
Mr. Riches, on behalf of society, I wish I could make everyone stop physically hurting your feelings and dashing your hopes. Your hopes are the hopes of a nation, no, the hopes of a civilization. Or I could at least pony up the missing fees that keep getting your complaints bounced by Judges who don’t serve Justice.
For it’s not the system who’s wronged Mr. Riches, it’s not even the 3 thousand-thousand defendants who have refused to feed you in jail, bench pressed you to impress ballpark buddies, forced you to eat live rats and roll around in kitty litter for punishment, and, of course, repeatedly subjected you to microwave testing. It’s society for ignoring this man at the center of a vast conspiracy to illegally use his name for shirts, Mr. Riches Hats, and Jonathan Lee Riches Bibles.
But, Mr. Riches, don’t fret. There is an ultimate justice that we all face. All things eventually work out.
In the case of Mr. Riches, there is but one suitable outcome.
By now, the news that Michael Vick has agreed to plead guilty on several federal charges that include jail time is, well, not news, since everyone knows it. He also didn’t commit any white-collar crime, and therefore won’t be getting conjugal visits. Michael Vick is going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
If there is kharmatic justice, then that federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison must be FCI Williamsburg. Yes, the same FCI Williamsburg where Michael Vick was supposed to deliver $63 billion-billion backed by gold and silver to Mr. Riches.
The FCI Williamsburg where Mr. Riches is paying his debt to society.
Mr. Riches may never get to face his accuser in court. But if our system is not broken, Mr. Riches will get to face his accuser in the yard.
So get ready Michael, because now you too are going to be locked in the same holes where you microwave tested on Mr. Riches. Ezekiel 25:27. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. Mr. Riches is our brother, and you shall feel that vengeance.
That $63 billion-billion is going to be taken out of your ass one nickel at a time (figuratively) at FCI Williamsburg. Enjoy Michael.
For More on Mr. Riches, see Jonathan Lee Riches Central.
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