Simmons' Chat Crap 4/24

This has taken most of my blogging time here for the last few days, but it’s long as hell.

Simmons did a “chat” the other day, I figured that was like stealing a mailbag. I’ll figure out how to do a “jump” here so that you can get most of these long ass question/answer things after a click rather than having to scroll down the main window and missing posts.

Which I hope to have more of, sometime.

Remember, these are other peoples questions, I just answer them. I don’t read the answer from the intended writer until after I’ve added my own. It's written in 2 segments - one on Saturday night, then finished up tonight. So you can tell sort of a difference in the NBA answers mostly, since the games had just started, and now we're a game or 2 in.

EDIT: No clue on the jump thing, sorry.

Steve (Toronto): Raptors fans or Vince? There's no way around it, one of these two is about to obliterate the vengeance scale as we know it. Which is it going to be?
Since I don’t watch the NBA except in June (when I can see the championship, plus the start of a shiny new season), I can’t answer this intelligently.

But Canada isn’t very vengeful. Outside of flinging poo from their police vehicles/mammals I don’t know what they’d do. However I’d guess some Jersey wore off on Vince in the last few years.

Gimme the Nets. (Also, I know the playoffs started today, but I have no idea who won if these two teams played today.)

Richard (Atlanta): Time for you to be NFL GM for a change. If you're Oakland do you take Calvin Johnson, JaMarcus Russell or trade down?

If I’m Oakland’s GM, I pick whoever Mr. Davis suggests I pick. Isn’t that how it works? Everyone agrees with him, and then we take the fall after we suck with other league-types talking about how we deserved a better situation?

Now, if I’m Al Davis, I take Russell, because I love a QB who can throw it deep. I made up my mind after watching the film (and I mean FILM) of his pro-day.

If I’m the Raiders and I have Al put into a home, I trade Moss for whatever I can get then take Johnson. He’s THAT good. Lets not forget Reggie Ball was his QB in college. That guy SUUUUUCKS, and Calvin still performed. He’ll make any QB look serviceable. Same answer if I’m the theoretical GM of a theoretical team not named the Raidahs with has that option on draft day.

Chris (Ft. Worth, Tx.): Are people crazy or what? Do you honestly think that Golden State has any hope against Dallas. Ok regular season is one thing, playoff time is another. I say mavs dispose of them in 5, not saying it wont be a close 5 games but none the less mavs finish them off fairly easily.

Yes, people are crazy. I was at the mall today since they have both gyros and Chic-Fil-A, and I saw a really hot chick being bossed around by a toothless dude in a hat Ashton Kutcher would wear. I don’t know who’s more crazy though- Her for listening to him, or the dude for not only bossing her around, but having the lack of brain cells to talk to her in the first place. Unless they were cousins, which just makes ME crazy.

Mavs Sweep (again I don’t know the outcome if these 2 have already played).

Craig (Kalamazoo, Michigan):: As a Tiger fan, how long do I have to wait untill I get to see Zumaya with the closing job?

Are you crazy? Oh, wait, wrong question. Todd Jones has been good so far, don’t screw with what is working. Besides, didn’t a new Guitar Hero come out a few weeks ago? I’d say Zumaya gets past Master of Puppets before he gets the closer job.

Robbie (Pound Ridge, NY): Since Payton won the Super Bowl are we officially going to have to change the term "the Manning face" to "the George Bush face"?

Enough with the fucking faces thing already. I think Simmons ripped this idea off from Drew in “Office Space.” Can I get a ruling on this? Karate Kid, Karate Kid, 90210, 90210, Karate Kid!

Benny (Indianapolis, IN): Do the Lakers have any chance of upsetting the Suns?

Kobe can take over a game, even five games in a row and just will the Lakers to win, but the NBA is fixed. I can’t go any further on the NBA without someone giving me an answer as to how a five-seed has home court advantage, and how a two becomes a five with a better record? FIX! FIX! It’s already determined that the Suns and Mavs will meet in the finals.

Jesse (Indianapolis, IN): So I'm curious what you're take is on A-Rod's ridiculous start to the season. Has he finally been embraced by NY and will he play like this when it really matters? Or does he revert to the same old head case we know and love.

Never underestimate the power of the contract year. But yes, he has been embraced by the Yankee fans until he does something they don’t like. How come people talk about the pressure cooker of playing in New York and put it on the Media? Isn’t it the fans? They suck, but there’s a lot of them. BFD. How is it they are considered “great fans” when they turn on you in a heart beat?

Also, check the stats idiot. Don’t listen to the media who tell you A-Rod isn’t good in the playoffs. He’s been bad in his last 3 playoff series, he was good before that - including against the Yankees. www.baseball-reference.com

Ryan (Pittsburgh): Sports Guy what are your thoughts on the Day 6 of 24? For me it's been an upgrade over the previous 2 seasons, but it is still a distant 4th behind seasons 1-3.

Day 6 has been the most bi-polar of seasons. It had the worst episode ever, and the end of the first act just kind of hit you with no build up. The family things were exciting, but then they dropped it without Jack knowing the kid is his. Kim will be uberpissed next year when she learns she has a brother Jack didn’t tell her about. You’d also think Jack would have asked if they found his Dad.

It seems this season wasn’t thought out enough. Just be glad The Ni9e got cancelled, or else we wouldn’t get the Chinese Vengance. Side note: Don’t the Chinese realize it was just a consul and he was shot by his own dude? Commie Bastards.

Plus, Jack is Jack. We’ve had far too many episodes where he wasn’t the focus. The David Palmer stories never felt forced. The Wayne Palmer ones did.

But you can’t make a determination of this season until you see how Jack handles the Chinese. It will either put this season right behind the first on the all-time list, or it will be 6th. I guess it’s like seeding in the NBA Playoffs.

Cheap Plug for www.watching24.com - best 24 site on the net.

Here’s Simmons answer that I just read: Bill Simmons: Wasted year. I'm not giving up on the show, but it's been the worst of the 6 seasons and definitely the worst-written and worst-acted. I'd like to see them do an experimental season where something crazy happens, like Jack has severe diarrhea during the entire season and it's a running theme. "I need to find a bathroom - WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS IT???????"

Bill, you are so dead to me.

Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY): Don't I look like I'm having fun?

Well, you’re all dolled up in your purple lipstick. So I guess you’re like a girl on prom night before she gets drunk.

DJ Smithers, BC: You mentioned that you are trying to take interest in the NHL playoffs. Have you managed to watch (or find) any of the games?

No, I have Dish and no Versus. Which also means no Extra Innings. Screw you, Bud, screw you.

Cameron Dallas, TX: Should I just go ahead and tell my boss I'm taking the rest of the day off and going home to watch your chat? I don't know if I can afford another 3 hour marathon chat without getting fired.

Ego-only question 1

David Stern : Mr. Simmons, come into my office, we need to talk...

What? Are you going to pitch an EOE series? Like Stump the Schwabb, special Simmons edition where it’s all Celtics questions? Seriously, who wouldn’t watch this? You’d watch this! One day when he programs ESPN8.

clipper season tix rep: SO Bill you renewing your tickets for next season?

Stu Scott has crazy-ass eyes.

Marino (Cold Spring NY): With the Yankees traveling to Boston this weekend who do you have for the series?

The Celtics! Shut up, water-head. I realized this week that on my two big fantasy teams, I’ve got Schilling and Beckett. Sucks for me to root for the Sox 2 out of every 5 days.

Chris (Staten Island, NY): I'm guessing your dream NBA lottery sequence would be to have the Celtics get the top pick but the Knicks pick (now the Bulls pick) have the second?

My dream NBA lottery sequence has Pac-Man Jones taking the winnings and makin’ it rain! I’d actually want the second pick though. I like both Oden and Durant, but I save money by picking second, and then I don’t have to make a choice and have it over my head like Sam Bowie.

Jordan (Portland, OR): Is there a new column coming out today or not? Just tell me now, because I don't want to spend the next 4 hours hitting the "refresh" button on the Sports Guys' World webpage if no good is going to come of it.

Ego-only question 2

Pat (Boston): "I believe we (the Celtics) have a playoff-caliber team right now. With no changes." Danny Ainge. Can I get a reaction on this?

They play in the East. I don’t watch basketball and know that a box of poop, toaster, and three Russians can make the playoffs every other year.

Scott (Salt Lake City, UT: All experts are picking the Rockets over the Jazz!! But they seem to forget the Jazz beat the Rockets in Houston a couple of weeks ago and the Jazz were struggling at that time!! I think everyone is downplaying how good this team can be!!

Dum-da-dum-dum-dum!!

Moo (SF): Do the Yankees fans like ARod yet, or will they always hate him no matter what he does? I think he has the worst home run celebration I have ever seen (next to Mike Schmidt's 500th hr dance). p.s. how much weight has ARod put on since last year, and has anyone questioned this yet? He looks big.

What am I the P-Man for the Yanks? I don‘t weigh him nor look at his ass relative to last year. But everyone has questioned it for the last 5 years, assuming this was to get a steroid comment going.

Morgan: (Eugene, OR): Please pass along warm 4/20 wishes to the SportsGal. When is Phish getting back together?

The dope smoker with a Phish question? Go Figure. Wasn’t the Hippie Circus in town or something for you to go buy a hemp necklace? You pot head loser. I see how YOU had time to attend this chat, since you don’t do shit for society. It’s not a holiday, it’s not a sneaky holiday, and I hope you get hit by a bus. I wish they would legalize pot just so half of these disenfranchised fucks who are all about being anti-establishment have to actually question themselves when not being apathetic to life and slacking.

Chipper (NYC): Why does E get to have the smoking hot girlfriend in Entourage? It makes no sense that his girlfriend (Emmanuelle Chriqui) makes all of Vince's girls look ordinary. Your thoughts?

Don’t watch it. But I want to. I like Jeremy Piven since PCU. But the problem is I can’t find Season 1 on DVD. Season 2 is everywhere, but I’m not starting from the middle of anything.

Justin (Boston): How come you didn't write anything about Imus? I thought that was required of Page 2 writers.

I’ve been busy this week doing 6 hours a day on the air, so I failed to live up to my promise to write something about Imus, and my promise to cut the grass.

Mike (Portland, ME): I heard somewhere that Tommy was going to be the Celtics representative at the upcoming draft lottery? Have you heard anything about this?

If you mean Tommy - the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pin ball, I think he’s represented the Celtics at the last 15 drafts.

Turdo Sandowicz, Houston: Assuming we can get past Utah in the first round, does my team have a shot against Dallas?

Turd Sandwich? If you weren’t from Houston, I’d question if that name were real.

Steve - Philly: The best part about the clip of the 85 lottery is the commish taking a big deep breath before reaching in for the envelope, like he is thinking "don't screw this up". Have you started receiving any threatening phone calls yet since you posted the link? If your columns stop any time soon, because your on "vacation" we'll know what really happened!

Ego post #3

Bill, Morristown, NJ: Does the whole Imus thing mean that we can't make fun of women's "basketball" anymore? Say it ain't so, Bill.

We’ve still got horse racing, soccer and Jai Lai. I mean, what’s the deal with a Fronton, anyway? Sounds like Funyuns for salad.

Short answer: No, it does not mean that. We just make fun of the white girls and lesbians.

Dave, Halifax, Nova Scotia: Since we don't get a column before the weekend, how about giving us some NBA predictions? ( I like a Suns Raptors final, but I'm an unabashed homer.)

A homer for what? Don’t you have to be near a team to be a homer for it? Don’t you have to be near ANYTHING to be a homer? Don’t you have to have a HOME? Hey, when the hell did Canada get the internet?

Bobby, Schaumburg, Illinois: If the Bulls get the #1 pick and get Oden. Can we declare a 2nd dynasty in beloved home town? Oh and how funny will it be if there is a dribbler down the line and A Rod tries to karate chop Dice K and Dice K just flat drops him...Yanks/Sawx....gotta love it!

A Bulls/Red Sox Fan? Bet you just LOVED the Nick Saban hiring at Alabama. I want the Celtics to get the first pick and get Oden if for no other reason than I want to see the guy who shoves it up Rick Pitino’s ass that Robert Parrish WAS walking through that door. Anyone who’s seen DC Cab can imagine along with me:

I think that would be like when Tyrone was on the car and saw the drive-in theater and spots Bruce Lee. “BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! BRUCE LEE! I SEE ‘IM, I SEE ‘IM, I SEE THAT KARATE MOTHER FUCKER!

Edited out MTV question

Edited out another MTV question

Edited out a third MTV question

Shar (Great Neck, NY): Any thoughts on Hank Aaron refusing to travel when Bonds finally breaks the record? 2 thoughts on this: (a) any chance every team in the majors will agree to walk Bonds at every at bat so he doesn't break the record? (b) I heard a radio announcer this morning say that A-Rod is on pace to hit a hundred something home runs and would bet that Aaron would travel to see that. I thought it was funny.

It’s funny that someone in my vocation would still say someone is on pace for anything in baseball the first 2 months of the season. Dipsticks like that are why people rip on radio guys. It’s trite tripe. I think, however, that if anyone knows what it’s like to be a leper in baseball it would be Aaron. I don’t like Bonds any more than you do - but people hated Aaron when he broke the record because of how he looked. Now he’s doing the same thing.

John (Dallas): How do you feel about the whole Joe Crawford thing? He seemed like an ass but a good official. Didn't Bennett Salvadore deserve to get kicked out of the league more than Joe?

I think Joe Crawford had money on the games. Would it shock ANYONE if they found out the refs in the NBA were the actual thugs, taking money from organized crime to throw games? Not me.

Marc - Minneapolis: Sports Guy, I have to say, you and I seem to like the same TV shows, so I took your advise and tried to TIVO the 1st season of The Wire on BET, but I didn't get hooked...not sure if it was because of the censors or what, but it just was wasn't great for me man. What up wit that?

I don’t have a DVR, but I’m afraid if I did, I’d never do anything but watch TV. However, I could fit in 2x as many shows by skipping the commercials. However, then I wouldn’t ever be aware of things like the Hillshire Farms spot.

WHEN I SAY HILLSHIRE YOU SAY FARMS! HILLSHIRE……. HILLSHIRE.

Hey, I bet my wife would spring for the DVR just based on not hearing that.

I really don’t have one because once I have it, why should I still pay for it? I’m not paying a monthly fee for something that the dish company doesn’t give me a service for. Let me store my stuff on your servers so I don’t have to delete all the stuff, and maybe.

I’ve heard good things about the Wire though, I’d get the DVD, but HBO is too proud of their stuff.

James (RVC, NY): Who do you think is the most dangerous team for next year out of the teams who missed the playoffs this year?

Either Jacksonville or the Steelers. They’re both pretty good, and I can see the wheels falling off for all three of the AFC top seeds, because the NFL is just that damn unpredictable.

Alf (Baltimore, MD): Since we didn't get a running diary on Wrestlemania, is it safe to say that either a)you just didn't watch it or b) you were as disappointed as I was with the show??

I was rather impressed with Cena actually working a good match, and I’m glad that Kennedy is getting a push.

I hate when people screw up Kennedy’s intro though. It’s the best (only) thing on Smackdown, and every time I watch, part of the spot is for it to be interrupted. No one ever tripped the Ultimate Warrior when he was running like an idiot. WWE, I implore you, let Kennedy go to the ring first always.

Brian, ATL: Bill can we please have a video of you watching the ping pong balls in May? AT least put it on youtube b/c either way it will be hilarious

Huh?

Edit: NBA Lottery Question. Missed that, thought his first EOE venture had something to do with ping pong.

Mike (Los Angeles, CA): Have you ever know a girl as crazy as that chick from the Real World?

I can answer this MTV question, since I don’t have to know which chick he means.

But the answer is no. There’s no people as crazy as Real World chicks, because there’s nothing Real about them. I’ve dated some crazy bitches, but never any Real-World crazy bitches.

Brodie, St. Paul: Best team in the AL? Twins? Yanks? D-Rays? Thoughts.

See: Outside the Texas Rangers II

Brodie, St. Paul: Big T-wolves fan, and I have to say that for the sake of the good of the League, the Wolves CANNOT end up with one of the top two picks in the lottery. If you thought Elgin Baylor is a great Lottery Bungling Mind, wait and see how insignificant Greg Oden can become when playing on a team managed by the Great Kevin McHale.

I’ve really got no response to this. Other than to say you are not a fan. I mean, just like when people rooted for losses to get better picks, at least they were being selfish. Good of the league? Screw that, isn’t that the Ewing excuse for the Knicks?

Also, how come Todd Wright from Sporting News Radio (nee: All Night with Todd Wright) never gets credit for dubbing it “The Association” but now everyone uses it, and it’s all Todd.

Brian- Yonkers: You endorsing Mike and the M/Dog is hard to take. "Angy" Mike was all over Jason Whitlock this morning b/c JW called Imus stupid and irrelevant a few times. Otherwise love all your stuff, especially the book.

NOT ego #4. I am not a big Mike and Mad Dog guy, but give them credit for what they do. They’re the radio version of The Shield for me - I know it’s good, but I just never got into it.

Billy Knight Atlanta GA: I resent you putting Kevin ahead of me. I have worked VERY HARD to bing the most inept GM in the league. Guess I'll have to show you with this years picks.

I’ve never even heard of you.

Shahan (New York, NY): I know it's early, but with Dice-K's lack of run support already a theme, are we seeing shades of Pedro's 2003 campaign? (187 IP, 29 GS, 2.22 ERA, 3 CG, 14-4 record due to lack of runs and bullpen featuring Scott "I guess I'm the closer" Williamson)

It has been a few starts. Are you ready to send Manny down the river as well? Also, Pedro is in the first paragraph of the discussion “best pitcher of his era.” Matsuzaka has 3 starts. Give it a rest.

Edited out MTV Question.

Tom Wondra: West Bend, WI: If Phoenix gets the 4th overall pick in the NBA draft - who would you take?

Not the European white guy. I don’t know what trade the Suns made to get a lottery pick that high, but if they did I’d say Al Horford. Nash is Nash, and Amari was able to NOT get killed by the micro fracture surgery. Isn’t some foreigner their center? If so, you go Horford.

Ryan (worcester, ma): At what age do you have to stop watching reality shows that are supposed to be for teenagers? When your daughter becomes one?

Ryan, you missed the point of a Simmons. He’s able to maintain a perspective of a loser frat boy. He found his voice a decade ago, and he can’t change. It’s a catch-22.

AC/DC stayed true to their sound - and people say they all sound the same. Metallica let themselves grow as musicians and people and people bitch that they aren’t the same as they ever were.

Oh, wait, you were searching for clarification weren’t you? Uh, dude! I’m never going to stop watching MTV! Dennis Leary!

Shaun (Madison WI): Doesn't Isiah Thomas still have to attend the lottery because as of right now all the Bulls have is the option of swapping picks...what would happen if the #1 pick was the Knicks envelope?

Um, Isiah will just send the league a fax informing them that he is shutting down the lottery.

Jack (Cincinnati): Ive ready so many puff pieces on Josh Hamilton that my head is about to explode, but I am now truly excited about the Great Hambino era. Your thoughts?

It’s a great redemption story, isn’t it? Except I hope he fails.

See, I was in a fantasy league with someone who grew up in the same state as Hamilton or something, so he pretended like he was friends with Joshy. He then said Hamilton’s parents got a restraining order on me. It was awesome.

Here’s the problem with the soft-focus job they do on Hamilton. They talk about “Drugs and Other Issues” but fail to delve into the “other issues.” Because then the story isn’t so sugary sweet.

Jack (Ipswich, MA): The Suns appear very unlikely to keep their core together for luxury tax reasons. Don't you think Marion would look good in green?

I honestly have no more thoughts on the Celtics. Not one.

Joe H. (Orange, NJ): What did you think of A-Rod's HR "trot" last night? It looked to me like a tampon commercial. I'M HAPPY...I'M FREE...I'M ALIVE! Only thing missing was a sheer white robe and wild horses in a field of flowers.

Joe, those aren’t tampon commercials. Those are commercials for laundry soap. Tampon commercials are set in real life situations where the woman is in a slightly-below-the-knee black skirt in some sort of public situation like a subway or elevator. Jeez, today’s youth.

Matt (Washington DC): Isn't that the whole point of a luxury tax or a salary cap? To keep a team from stockpiling an abnormal amount of assets? Why is it so good in the NFL that teams can't keep great teams together and so terrible in the NBA?

This is in response to the answer from two questions ago that Simmons gave. The point is so they don’t spend outrageously more on that talent. And the reason it’s good in the NFL is that it keeps the point spreads low so that the people who can’t get enjoyment out of a game with no money involved can bet on more games and have more interest.

Kristen (Boulder, CO): Any guesses as to what ABC's NBA playoff/championship theme song will be this year? Will it actually be from this decade?

I think something by Fallout Boy is a possibility. I don’t know anything by Fallout Boy, but the dude on the Verizon commercial said it got him pumped. That’s the goal. I think. Is there anything more apt though than a white guy singing a super white-guy song for the NBA? I’m hoping for Brooks and Dunn or maybe George Strait.

I know I DON’T want it to be Explosions in the Sky. People love them, but it’s incredibly boring music.

I’d have a better guess is if I hadn’t pretty much given up on new music about 5 years ago.

Dave (NJ): Are you a fan of the UFC? Now that ESPN is actually covering the sport, I assume you can answer a question on it.

I used to watch UFC when it first started, and it was all about winning on that night - going through several rounds.

At some point, I lost interest. I wonder why. It seems to have gotten better and is still based on the simple idea of one guy kicking the hell out of another guy - something I can support. I wish I hadn’t fallen off the boat on this.

**Edited out theme-song discussion**

J.Satts, Denver: I know I'm a homer, but am I the only one who thinks the Nugs have a shot here? AI will prove his worth in the playoffs. Parker can't check him. Talk to me, Goose...

I don’t know what’s worse. The Top Gun reference, or me recognizing it as a Top Gun reference. I think you are pretty much the only one though, sorry.

Brett the Beaver (East Meadow, NY): Bill! Will you finally watch Friday Night Lights?

I watched this at the beginning, but the football was forced, the drama was too television and, yeah, the music from Explosions in the Sky bored me.

Jericho is a much better choice on Wednesday nights. I’m looking forward to Heroes being back. I just hope that next year NBC chooses not to put it next to 24 with about 8 weeks of hiatus on it. How is it that FOX is the only network that can figure out the proper way to run a serialized show is consecutively?

Jeremy (Dallas, TX): So, after the worst NBA regular season in recent history do you think that the playoffs will live up to last years (the best NBA playoffs I've seen in my lifetime) - I'm hoping to end with a rematch of last years finals with Dirk and the boys taking home the prize this time.. As long as Dirk and D-Wade get into a fist fight, I'd love to see a redo of David and Goliath

I’m guessing that this year the refs pick Duncan and the Spurs to screw instead of the Mavs in the finals. I have to - HAVE TO - know why in the hell Dirk lacks ANY killer instinct though? J-Ho has it…in the first quarter!

Also, I’m surprising myself with how much I know about these NBA questions.

James Whitman, MA: Bill, everyone I know seems to be jumping off the "Lost" bandwagon after the hiatus. My friend and I stuck it out and have been very happy with the second part of this season. I compare it to keeping faith in the Sox and finally getting rewarded. Mr. Eko being killed may have been the 03 ALCS, it hurt, but made us stronger. It looks to us like the writers have started to take it in the right direction and are heading towrds their own 04 ALCS and World Series. Any thoughts?

I watched the show a few times, but it seemed like a really, really long episode of the Outer Limits. Without nudity, I couldn’t watch the Outer Limits. Lost has no nudity, so I don’t watch. I guess that makes it more like the 04 NBA Finals.

Also, why does everyone who reads Simmons feel the need to force analogies into the question. I mean FORCED. To me, this is like when you were out dating that one girl who wouldn’t let you in her pants, so you’d try to get her drunk hoping it would let down the defenses on your really crappy offense. So you just kept putting up these really bad shots, and sometimes, one would get through and you’d get to 3rd base.

zoe(atl): Bill, can you rank your top 5 tv shows.

This is rather simple. I’m not going to include any shows that have an anchor, panel or can be watched in person.

Top 5 on the air: 24 (The episode with the developmentally challenged computer genius can’t outweigh 5.5 other good seasons.), Jericho (I guess this is my “Lost” - you watch to get answers that never come), Heroes (Wait, this is my “Lost”), House, and Man vs. Wild.

Honorable mention to South Park, Criminal Minds and Psyche. That’s the list of shows that I try to make it a point to watch every week. Here’s some bonus lists: Top 4 that I haven’t gotten into, but will on DVD - maybe: The Shield, The Wire, Sleeper Cell, Entourage. Top 4 that you screwed up by not watching: Vanished, Kidnapped, Studio 60, and The Black Donnellys.

And the 2 on DVD that you must purchase: The Pretender and Sports Night.

mike (Laguna Niguel, Ca): Whose your best bet for this years Tim Thomas in th playoffs, parlaying some good games into a giant unworthy contract?

This is a Simmons deal. He pointed out this phenomenon and I’m not going to steal it from him. I guess it’s not tired since it only comes around once a year. Now, the Ewing Theory…….

Alex (San Francisco, CA): Bill what happened to you and the EPL. You two broke up quicker than Nicole Richie and food.

I dunno what EPL is. But that’s another forced analogy. Watch how often they come up.

EDIT: It’s soccer. The only thing I hate more than soccer are Navigators with customized decals of a kids name inside a soccer ball. Hey, make it easier for the bad guys to gain a kids trust by telling them the name of the kid they’re trying to kidnap.

Great idea, soccer mom. (This extends to cheerleading bullhorn, baseball bat and football helmet stickers. I’d have quit if my parents did this.)

Dr. House (NJ): BLASPHEMY! How does The Office, House, and 30 Rock miss your list? The Sopranos is often too slow and boring. Despite a down year, 24 is still one of the all-time greats.

Gregory would never say BLASPHEMY. I don’t like the Office - despite the wife liking the British version. It did have some good exchanges like “Would you rather be an ass-faced weasel, or a weasel-faced ass?” For the most part though, I hate shows where people can’t get out of the way of their own stupidity. The moved 30 Rock one too many times for me to keep up with where it’s at, but I like (to look at) Tina Fey, and any show with Brian Fellow has to be decent.

Mike - Coaldale, PA: Have you ever given The Shield a chance? Great show.

I’m hoping to take a week this summer vacation, where I can do stuff like force feed myself 3 or 4 seasons of “The Commish - The Gritty Years”

Daniel (Los Angeles): Admit it: the only reason you're ticked Nikki was killed off is because she's scorchingly hot.

*shrug* Which show was this again? I’m glad this is before the Heroes return, otherwise I’d be pissed that I read a spoiler.

Nati: (Laurel, MD): No comment on the Mavs and their strange rest pattern??? Rest your guys instead of eliminating a team that swept the season series on the 2nd to last day, but don't rest them on the last day against the Sonics!? Were the Mavs scared of trying and losing?

It is a 1 vs. 8 series. You don’t let 8-seeds dictate anything to you. Besides, you stick it to those hippy coffee drinkers in Seattle any time you can for any reason.

Jason, NY: I love how "Pettite Scares you". I do the same thing with the Yanks before a Sox / Yanks series: I build up the other team so I'm not as crushed if we lose, then blow off any wins we do get with "It's not over yet, there's still ____ games to go". I'm never comfortable with a lead or a win until said team has been eliminated from playoff contention.

So is it fun dating the attainable girl and not trying to have sex since you might get her pregnant?

Eric (New York City): Where are the angry emails, those are the funniest part!

If I got email, I wouldn’t have to steal these!

M.J Vera (Las Vegas): If Oden came out and admitted he tried pot once in awhile like the football players did, and that's why he's so mellow, would that give you any second thoughts on teh Celtics potentially drafting him?

You know who is going to KILL Okoye and Johnson? Randy Moss and Warren Sapp. It wasn’t that long ago pot use got them buried in the draft. Now its not affecting draft position at all.

Marc - McWillie Ok: Any excitement at all about Mayweather/De LaHoya?

Boxing did a good job of killing itself, but UFC kicked some dirt on the grave. I don’t even watch UFC, but I know that if I want to watch ass kicking, the good ones are in UFC - so boxing is irrelevant. That said, I hope Mayweather wins.

George (Richmond, VA): I can't recall you ever commenting on "The Black Donnellys." Did you give that show a try or not?

I watch it online via NBC’s website. I think I like it since I’m Irish. Plus, the Irish boss being an ax-toting psycho named “Dokey” makes it all the better.

Dan (Amelia, OH): Hey Simmons, I'm tired of hearing about how Red Sox fans are fed-up with Coco Crisp. Andy Marte hasn't exactly been the second coming of George Brett in Cleveland. Boo-freaking-hoo.

I’m fed up with Wily Mo Pena, killing my fantasy team.

Monte (philly, pa): Favorite Mayweather? Floyd Jr, Roger or Floyd Sr? I think it's Roger handsdown. You better be watching Mayweather/De La Hoya 24-7

Floyd Sr.- Just cause he chose to name a kid “Floyd” after he knew what it meant to grow up named Floyd. I’m sure that helped him get ready for a career of fighting, though.

Curtis, Columbia: What would you do if your team drafted Josh McRoberts? I can't figure out anything that would help that pain

Yet it’s nothing like the pain of the car/motorcycle/rascal accident he’s sure to get into once he signs a guaranteed deal.

Sat (Jersey): Will Sloan get naked on Entourage?

Um. Who?

Deion Branch (Seattle): Will I be worth the Seahawks not having a first round pick next weekend?

To the Patriots - yes. To the Seahawks, no.

Greg Oden (Columbus): Will I be happy in Memphis?

Yes, you already succeeded in a football town, and you seem like you’ll get a kick out of the song Chris Vernon writes about you (The guy who wrote the Coach O song).

Chris (MI): Come on Sports Guy...I read everything you right...and I'm one of 5 Hawks fans left... They could get Oden/Durant and Conley/Law if the ping pong balls cooperate. That's exciting right?

Write.

Danny (Boston, NY): With the fourth pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the Boston Celtics select....Spencer Hawes, C from the University of Washington. Your reaction?

NO MORE CELTICS QUESTIONS!

Aaron Nashville TN: Will Kobe be passive against the Suns like he was in last years playoffs?

No. I don’t suppose. He’ll go for 50 about 3 times, but they’ll lose every one of them.

PattyO (Austin): Maximo Park or The Fratellis?

Who and who? Proximo on Gladiator helped Maximus. I bet that’s where that name came from.

Dave (Cambridge, MA): Apparently the Grizzlies are considering Boston's Chris Wallace to replace Jerry West. Would that be a good move?

Bill Clinton owned him on Fox, so I guess not.

Jared (Atlanta): Am I the only one expecting Tim Duncan to go off in the playoffs like Clint Eastwood at the end of "Unforgiven" and just wipe everybody out? You know Timmaaaa's not happy about losing Game 7 at home to the Mavs last season and he's healthy again. I have a feeling that if the playoffs were "The Departed", at the end Tim Duncan's going to by Mark Wahlberg minus the plastic bodysuit.

Two forced analogies in one note. Impressive. Who’s Matt Damon in this scenario though?

My favorite past time now is seeing Chase from Nina’s last season of 24 pop up in random movies, and wondering what would happen if Jack were there to help him. So far, I’ve got The Departed and The Black Donnellys on the list.

Ben ((Charlotte)): Bill, you seem to be in to indie rock, mind if i throw a couple bands out there? Broken Social Scene, Pinback, or Minus the Bear?

Minus the Bear is interesting. As a band name. The rest sound lame.

Chip (NYC): Seriously, what does it take to get into one of your chats? I never read your book because I'm a Yankee fan and I could die in peace 9 years earlier so I can't suck up to you about it. I'm on edge here William. It's the first nice day in months and I'm stuck at work rather than looking at hot chicks in short dresses - throw me a bone!

You made my fake chat, if that’s any help?

Matt Millen (Detroit, MI): Im eyeing Calvin Johnson like a juicy steak.

The strange part about this whole Lions WR thing - most times when he took a wideout, it was the best guy left on the board. If he’s not taken first, that’ll be the case with Calvin. I think he HAS to take him, and then he can make a trade. He’ll have all the cards, as of right now people think he won’t make that move because of the PR. But once it’s done, he can let them know he is that crazy. It’ll be like the Eli pick for the Chargers.

Dallas (Carrollton, TX: You think Chikils is short, I saw Keifer in Shereveport after the Mr. Brooks filiming (new Costner/Demi Moore movie) and he was wearing super tight jeans, a jean jacket that looked like it had some studs on the sleeves and holding his girls purse or his own man bag. I've never looked at 24 the same again. Plus he's legitimately 5' 6". Costner though in person is straight out of Tin Cup. AWESOME!-

I don’t see a question in there. But OK. Yes, he’s short. I hope his bag was the green duffel that he had in Season 5, and had magically appear after Die-Hard-with-a-Vengancing Fayed. I want one.

** Edited duplicate boxing question**

AW (PHX): The worst part about living on the west coast is that when your chat is over, I will still have 4 to 5 hours to kill before happy hour. Any suggestions what to do with the time?

Ego question #4

Jonny (Summersville, WV): Did you ever check out 'Extras' on HBO? Not your cup of tea?

HBO, the Red Sox, NBA and boxing. Simmons’ fans are in tune with what’s popular.

Mike, St. Paul, MN: Speaking of,"Best Of's" DVD's. Whoever picks the best of's for the SNL DVD's needs to be fired. I bought the Phil Hartmann one and it was terrible. It didn't even have Dysfunctional Family Feud.

I want an SNL DVD with all the Brian Fellows, then all the Celebrity Jeopardy. It’s not the actor stupid, it’s the characters.

Mike (Baltimore, MD): Why do some people throwing out the first pitch wear a glove?

I’m just going to let that linger for everyone to think about. Good question, Mike.

DM, OH: we deserve every episode of larry sanders on dvd -- why o why are they releasing a greatest hits instead of season 2?

When I bought “Malcolm in the Middle” there was a coupon inside for Season 2 “coming this fall” - that was about 4 years ago.

The good news is, WKRP put it’s first season on DVD today. AWESOME.

Sridhar (TX): SA did not lose to Dallas because of the foul. They still had the last shot in regulation and they still had the overtime to win it. So please stop saying that DALLAS won because of Manu.

They weren’t as good a team. Bottom line. Neither were the Heat, unless the refs count as “Heat.”

Jason (ATL): alright simmons, whats your top 5 bands that get no love from mainstream media??

Cowboy Mouth.. Um… Cowboy Mouth… Did I say Cowboy Mouth? Check their live show if you enjoy music and it’s anywhere near you.

I have a plan one day to start a radio station that plays stuff from about “Master of Puppets” to Saliva. Just 90s rock, and I’m going to get rich doing it unless Clear Channel or Cumulus steal the idea from reading my blog.

Tim (Gainesville, FL): Sebastian Telfair just got arrested for having a gun...any thoughts?

Has Urban Meyer offered him a scholarship yet?

Adam (Frederick, MD): Went into a music trader shop last week to buy Big Red Letter Day by Buffalo Tom. They did not have it, am I old still listening to them and wanting to buy an album I lost a while back?

I think you’re old for calling it an album and buying it instead of downloading it. Sadly, I’m an old 27.

Dan (Tewksbury MA): August 16 is the 40th anniversary of Tony Conigliaro's injury. It's time to retire his number. Thoughts?

I think it’s time to retire talking about whoever the hell you are talking about.

Brian (Chicago): I credit you for the Silversun Pickups recommendation a few chats ago. Can't stop listening to it. Thanks

No sweat.

Tom (Centreville, VA): Saw Silversun Pickups live a few weeks back with Snow Patrol. They stunk. The sound system was terrible. I could understand a word. Then I get in the car after the concert and hear one of their songs. I thought :Where the hell were they tonight"? So I should buy the cd and hear it all?

Blah Blah Blah. Cowboy Mouth.

Graham (CO): Simmons, who ya got the Pats taking in the 1st round. They are doing everything right this off-season, I am just glad you guys have to come to the track in Indy this season.

Whatever they did would be called “right.” For years, they don’t sign anyone and it’s cause they don’t want to over-pay. So then they start over-paying everybody and it’s a great move cause they’re filling holes. I’m unimpressed, and think they’ll used Thomas wrong.

Carricker is a lock to be one pick if he’s there, then they’ll go with a corner on the second pick.

Joe (Norton, MA): How can South Park not be in any man's top 5 favorite shows?

The same way Peyton Manning never wins an MVP. You just expect so much it’s hard to live up to it.

Joe (Washington, DC): Mute Math is excellent, especially live. Their drummer duck tapes ear phones to his head. Check it out http://youtube.com/watch?v=K6FUDOV9Glo

Ducktape huh? I should listen to their music based solely on that info. But I won’t.

Pat (Boston): You may have not been told, but one of the worst parts of the spring this year is the Sox replacing Trupiano with 2 generic JoeBuck-esque hotshots on the radio. As the only sub-80 year old who listens to every game on the radio, these guys just don't sound right with Castiglione, they've got no connections to '04, and if the Sox ever start hitting some dingers I'm going to seriously miss the "Way Back!" call...

Sucks for you. I’m sure they’re better broadcasters than anyone in Boston, you’re just too big an idiot to realize it.

Mike (New York): How far can the Suns go this year in the playoff? Can they beat Dallas in 7?

They can beat Dallas in 4. But it won’t happen.

Mike (Baltimore, MD): Think there is any chance the Pistons have an '04 run, Chauncey is in a contract year, Closer needs a championship, Prince always plays, and they are nearly as dinged up. No one gave them a chance then either.

I think they do it just to piss off Ben Wallace. They won’t win the Finals, but they’ll get there this year as the window closes. I think the Bulls take it next year.

Rob (Houston): If Silversun Pickups opened for the Smashing Pumpkins on the Pumpkins reunion tour, how would people know when the other band came out?

When it became hard to breathe because Billy Corrigan’s head sucked out all the oxygen.

Jim, Boston Massachusetts: Hey Bill, who ya got wining the NBA finals?

Mavs.

Evan NYC: SG- Have you seen Planet Earth yet? best show on TV

No. Sounds smart. So it can’t be the best.

Stuck in Corporate Tax: Kill me, this class will never end. Sports guy, give me a link that will eat up some time.

www.deadspin.com www.sportsgonesouth.com and google.com - Cheap plugs of sites I’m hoping to get a link from.

Kristin (Denver): Where's the girl love? When's the Sports Gal Chat?

When ESPN works out the bugs in their streaming video/credit card system. See, that's meant to imply..never mind.

**Edited Sports Gal Question**

Kmart, California: Raptors - Nets: Do you think any other arena is going to get as loud and angry as the Air Canada Centre, when Prince Carter steps on the floor? The city (Toronto) is in a frenzy.

Remember back in like 90 or 91 when the NFL tried to penalize teams for their building’s being too loud? That kinda sucked.
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There you go. I've got some blogservations that I'll have up at some point in the next couple days. I actually try to formulate those into sentences, so it could take some time.