Andy Roddick lost for the second straight year in the first round of the French Open.
I know, it’s not really news. Anyone not named “Federer” (or Nadal on the clay at Roland Garros) losing at a men’s tennis tournament isn’t exceptionally shocking, but rather expected. Yet listening to Sporting News Radio the news of Roddick’s defeat was able sneak into the Flash.
It got me thinking of the athletes who make news despite being not-news. The guys who get play in the media despite not being able to play. So I started thinking of some guys, and with the help of the most intelligent listening audience in the world, we came up with a list.
First some rules: The list is fluid. After game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, Lebron may have made it, but the last two games have gotten him off the list. For now.
A guy may also find himself on the list despite being pretty good, the list is determined by disparity between how hyped he is and performance. The greater the hype, the more that’s expected of you. If this were a hype-list about TV Shows, for example, you’d find Lost right in the middle. While it may be good, it’s not THAT good.
For simplicity, we also eliminate guys who were draft busts. That’s based on projection, so there’s obviously some room for error. That’s how Ryan Leaf avoids the list, because he was hyped coming out of Pullman, but no one actually believed he was good once he got on the football field.
This list is about the right now. Yes, at one point Bill Simmons was hilarious, must-read material. Now, unless you care about the NBA or eat clam chow-dah you spend most of your time reading his columns saying, “Hey, I remember when he played at Duke,” or “crap, more about The Real World, seriously?”
Finally, to quote Jackie Childs, the list is capricious and arbitrary.
We present the list to you beginning with number 1. Why? Because if we tried to build anticipation throughout the list, we’d just be adding to the hype of:
1. Michelle Wie - Playing with women, we mention her as often as Si Ri Pak. Her marketing team thought it’d be a better idea to have her lose to men. Her marketing team = no hype, all substance.
2.. Andy Roddick - Seriously, the only thing this guy has done in the last 3 years is steal Alex Rodriguez’s nickname. He’s tennis’ “Great White Hype.” Hey Andy, Jim Courier called, wanted to know what you’re bringing to the Nick Bollettieri washed-up pot-luck.
3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - He’d probably deem his appearance on the list as “bullshit,” but we’d just dock his performance score.
4. Anna Kournikova - Not only could she not play tennis, but she wasn’t even hot enough to live up to the hype. She’s good looking, but she’s not violate-the-law hot like Sergei Federov thought she was. She was even out-Anna’d by Maria Sharapova, which has her down on the list. In 1999, this is her list.
5. David Beckham - I know 2 soccer players: Beckham and Pele. If I know who you are as a soccer player, you better be the best who ever lived. Otherwise, you can’t possibly live up to the hype that’s brought you to my attention.
6. Tony Romo - This one is personally painful, but deserved. You guys broke out the anointing oils, and look what you did. The NFLN broke out a special called “Who is Tony Romo?” On one hand, it says the hype isn’t all that, because people apparently didn’t know. Then again, I didn’t see a special called “Who is Samkon Gado?”
7. Roger Clemens - Ever notice how every time he loses he walks off the mound holding his groin or his hammy or some other fake injury? That’s just a side note. He is going to pitch half a year for a team with little playoff hopes, and his minor league rehab starts make TV. Michael Jordan, Izzy Alcantera, Delmon Young and Roger Clemens - The only people who’ve EVER gotten MiLB on TV. He still performs decently when he decides the fawning and begging has been enough to take a teams millions, but his hype is so great it’s allowed an obvious steroid user to have his name virtually untarnished by the scandal. Side note: Ever notice how since testing became mandatory in spring training, he’s not gone to spring training?
8. Brett Favre - He had trouble living up to his hype in 1996. Now 11 years later, he’s just a drug addict that used to be good and complains too much. I think he had more concussions than Steve Young, because he still thinks it’s 1996.
9. Tim Tebow - Chris Leak did 95% of the legwork in taking Florida to an undefeated MNC, but yet Gator fans clamored for Tebow. LaRon McClain was better on 4th-and-short than Tebow, yet Tebow gets all kinds of pub. They’ve even bastardized Tom Seaver’s nickname for him. I’m sorry, a tip-up touchdown does not earn you the rights to “terrific.”
10. Danicka Patrick - I guess for women we have to start comparing their hype to their breasts, because that seems to be the determining factor. Now, she’s borderline, because if we make this list in October, we probably don’t even think of her. She enters the conscious for about 10 days in May.
Honorable Mention: Daisuke Matsuzaka ($103 Million? Really.), Eli Manning (If his hype was his own, he'd be #1), Devin Hester (Remember Dante Hall?), Reggie Bush (Hey, his hype = rent), Nick Saban (Should that be Nick "Bear" Saban?), Chuck Liddel (see Soccer, but without the disdain)
Quoth Mr. Tony, THAT’S IT, THAT’S THE LIST!
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