Really, 31 Straight

I really can't get over how astounding the feat is for the Texas Rangers to run up a streak of 31 scoreless. To put it in perspective, here are five things involving 31 that I'd have given better odds than this (yes, I know the list should be 31 items long. It's really not that popular of a number and the three I removed from the list were terrible.):

1. Baskin Robins makes "Saltalamacchia" one of it's 31 flavors
2. Roy Williams looks effective in man-to-man pass coverage (yes, I know he wears 38 now, though I think that only makes my point stronger)
3. Jeff Burton decides he needs to emulate Kyle Busch on the track
4. The Southern Baptist Convention accepts Halloween as "harmless fun"
5. Jason Jennings throws one shut out inning for the Rangers (OK, this one is obviously a stretch)

Joy in Rangerland

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
-Ted Theodore Logan, 1989

At this point, I'm more prepared to meet my future self in the Circle K parking lot than I am to realize that Texas Rangers pitchers have thrown 31 innings without allowing a run. The AP story about Friday night's victory against Oakland says that the team did it once before. Once, 27 years ago.

Just for perspective, that streak started against the Red Sox who turned in a lineup card with Yaz and Jim Rice. The winning pitcher was Doc Medich, who'll turn 60 this year. The next day it was Fergie Jenkins. Don Zimmer was a spry young manager. Future Managers Glenn Hoffman and Buddy Bell were active participants, as was future Red Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy who led off for Boston. Future manager Hal McRae played for the Royals in the final game of the FOUR game streak.

It was a long time ago. OJ Simpson was a beloved figure. 2Pac was alive. Al Davis, too. Roger Staubach was still an active NFL Player and we'd yet to have a Clinton or Bush in the White House.

OK, at the risk of belaboring the point, current Rangers manager Ron Washington looked like this:



See? Do you see? THAT'S A LONG ASS TIME AGO!

There's also no way that it should have happened now. It defies logic. I'm a Ranger fan, and we know this better than anyone. Sure we've seen good years from Ryan Drese and Roger Pavlik. We thought maybe, just maybe, Chan Ho Park was going to elevate our rotation. When you make jokes about Ranger pitching, we know the joke is on us - after all, Ranger fans saw Chris Young being traded for Adam Eaton.

Pretty much every day in the life of Ranger Fan is 9 innings of waiting for the pitching to fall apart, followed by 21 hours of wondering if it will be tomorrow. Yet tonight, the Rangers didn't allow a run for the 3rd straight game. I'm generally happy with 3 innings.

I'm not going to sit here under a delusion that these last few days represent something more grand than three games in the tragic comedy that plays itself out in 162 separate acts over the course of the summer for virtually every team.

Chances are, the runs not allowed during the streak will be scored next week and the streak will become a memory slightly less blurry than last week's dinner menu once another trip through the rotation is complete.

Tonight, though, I'll sit here and take it all in. Forgetting the abysmal seasons past, forgetting April. Wearing the proverbial blinders to get an image as sunny as the generic family in matching sweaters you see in every Olan Mills photo.

Yes, baseball is cruel, but only because we let games like the last three build us up. We live for it. So bring it, Oakland...because the way my team is going, "it" won't be runs.

Bill and Ted inspire one last question...So if you're really us, what number are we thinking of?

THIRTY-ONE, DUDES!

Will and Buzz agree on something

Writers and bloggers both hate me. Actually, writers is a misnomer, it's not like a blogger poops out posts. So let me rephrase, bloggers and members of the traditional written media hate me.

The traditional media... Notice I said traditional, not “mainstream media” which is the catch-all phrase that’s floated by everyone from Will Leitch to Bill O’Reilly, used to convey disdain with the established practices of people who are paid to tell the stories of others that evolved since we stopped giving those in power the ability to determine what stories were fit for consumption. (Wonder if Leitch has ever been compared to O’Reilly before…)...hates me for the same reason that they hate bloggers.

They feel that I have a voice that I didn't earn through years of dues paying. They hate me because my career arc didn't have me spending a year spell checking obituaries. Writers generally hate me, because while they spent years toiling in obscurity writing 200 words about what neighborhoods are first up for repaving, I earned my voice in under a decade.

I am a sports radio host.

To writers, I'm the kid who got the BMW for his 16th birthday while they worked the night shift at Burger King. The guy who walks out of college without a student loan payment (which is true).

I'm Sue Ellen Mischke, recipient of large breasts who cares not that the gawking of people on the street may effect the Oh Henry candy bar fortune (where the candy bar fortune is some kind of public trust.... it's a stretch, I know). I'm Spider-Man at the wrestling match, who uses his abilities for capitalist gain. Still unaware that with great power comes great responsibility.

It's essentially the same argument they have against bloggers.

Sure, some of the anti-blogger sentiment is rooted in fear. Fear that their future earning potential is being limited.

There's no doubt a jealousy that also exists. It's not that they hate bloggers because they aren't scrutinized and are free from the fear of recourse. They hate bloggers because the subjects they cover for a living can take action against them, denying access, and making it near impossible to make a living.

When Buzz calls it "shit," he means to say "shit I wish I could say." He made his name uncovering corruption in courts, and he expects me to believe that there's some sanctity in Matt Leinart beer-bonging and Jeff Reed doing whatever the fuck it is Jeff Reed does that can only be disseminate after asking Matt Leinart for a comment and getting the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball? How the hell is that belief derived? An earned public trust? My ass, his name is Buzz! "Big Daddy Balls" is a more trustworthy name than Buzz, no matter how many books he sells.

Buzz wishes he could watch the game as a release, like bloggers can. It's hard to keep the fan experience in a professional endeavor. Hard as hell. I fight to do so, Buzz gave up. It's not fun for Buzz.

That's half the story, because Bloggers hate me, too. Please note, by the way, that I use "bloggers" to mean the authors here, not the commenters which have become a pseudonym in this argument due to a fundamental lack of understanding at the basis of the writer argument...hate isn't strong enough to explain commenters feelings.

Strangely enough, on the wider scale, they hate me for the same reason that the writers hate them. Sure, they hate Colin Cowherd for being a dick. They hate Paul Finebaum for being a dick. Tim Brando...dick. Jim Rome...dick. Mike and Mike... dick and dick (Though, in some cases it's not a false belief.)

But more so, when I make a mistake on my show, it shows my lack of qualification. When I provide cursory analysis of a game I didn't watch, it shows my lack of understanding. A lack of depth, a lack of preparation. I don't understand that with the bully pulpit that I stand behind for three hours, I have the obligation to talk about whatever they want me to at the depth with which they think it should be talked about. They think I'm paid by the hyperbolic thought and dogmatic diatribe.

Radio hosts are hated because we don't understand the charmed lives we live, with increased access, a paycheck and the endless stream of free meals. We don't grasp that our biases affect their experiences of sports. Because we DON'T have the same fun with sports as they do.

Oh, and because Cowherd plagiarized from a blog, we all do.

They hate me because I'm Spider-Man at the wrestling match, who uses his abilities for capitalist gain. Still unaware that with great power comes great responsibility. (I really wish I had come up with a better metaphor).

Again, this isn't the only thing they hate, as each blogger has a more diverse experience and different biases than your run of the mill journo, so they hate us all for different reasons.

But each side is damned to their convictions, considering the other parasitic, leeching the life from the experience. Yet somehow, radio tries to be symbiotic. I've heard Will Leitch on SNR, Mike Florio talk to Todd Wright, and Jay Busbee from Sports Gone South has been my most frequent guest over the last year. I comment on Awful Announcing. Tony Kornheiser, SAS, and Finebaum are among the many writers quick to capitalize on their newspaper fame to branch into radio.

There's a place for us all. A need. A demand. But hatred is an easier relationship to foster, especially when we're so passionate. So I'll keep reading deadspin and renewing my subscription to SI, all the while wondering how many more people we could bring into our fraternity of sports fans if we only helped them experience the game in a way that bred our passions.

The Mascot Matchup - Final Four

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. Here's the 5th and final post, the Final 4

FINAL FOUR
Tennessee Volunteers vs Clemson Tigers

If those two German fairies can tame some tigers, I'm going to guess that a dude with a gun can as well. After all you don't get a coonskin cap without killing a coon. And skinning it. Though Smoky might not be so lucky, the Vols are eating tiger chops. Then washing it down with some malt liquor from a jar.

UCLA Bruins vs Michigan State Spartans

Bears are smart. They aren't going to run into a stick. And for all the talk about how good those 300 dudes were in that one fight, they did lose. So I'm going to go with a historical perspective on this one, and say that as the Spartans get near the end, they lose. It's what they do. Spartans are losers. And history says they were more than likely gay and illiterate. Seems to me like they should have been eliminated long ago.

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
UCLA Bruins vs Tennessee Volunteers

The Final 4 is in San Antonio. So I'm going to go by the old saying, “Remember the Alamo.” Here's the basics. Almost half of Los Angeles is of Mexican descent. The Mexicans won the battle, but Sam Houston and the Texans still ended up winning their independence before later being illegally annexed despite being a sovereign nation. Oh, and remember how we were talking about Davy Crockett? Yeah, did I mention he died in the Battle at the Alamo?

The UCLA Bruins are your 2008 Mascot Matchup Champions!

The Mascot Matchup - West Region

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Last up, it's the West Region.


WEST FIRST ROUND
1 UCLA Bruins vs 16 Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils

Last year, it took an alligator home-swamp advantage to defeat a bear, this year I have faith in their ability to advance deeply into the tourney again. First up are the Delta Devils, who are actually blues artist Robert Johnson. Johnson sold his soul to the devil, and you probably heard of him in the Clapton song “Crossroads.” It was also the inspiration for the Daniel-San movie Crossroads where he battles Steve Vai for his and another man's soul. It's inspirational really, however, bears are not music lovers and would eat Ralph Macchio. Bears win.

8 BYU Cougars vs 9 Texas A&M Aggies

Some teams that call themselves Aggies have a dude that rolls with a gun, others roll with a rope. Texas A&M rolls with a collie. Not even a mean dog to match the uniforms. A collie named Reveille. Lassie or a Cougar? Really not much of a match considering I could kick a collie's ass.

5 Drake Bulldogs vs 12 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

What is a hilltopper you ask? Red Grimace. Yeah, a red version of the purple jackass that rolls with Ronald McDonald. Given my choice, this might actually be the first round game that I'd most like to see take place in Mascot Arena. The bulldog running up and taking giant hunks of Red Grimace, green blood flowing everywhere as Red Grimace progressively gets slower and slower, falling down and taking frantic swipes with his stick arms only to have the bulldog rip those free from the gooey Red Grimace Sockets. That match would be awesome, and the bulldogs win.

4 Connecticut Huskies vs 13 San Diego Toreros

A husky is a good dog, a Torero is a bull fighter. But bullfighter is a rather misleading name. It's really a bull-dodger. He stands there with a table cloth and gets out of the bulls way. A husky is much more agile, and therefore won't be fooled by silly table cloth shenanigans. Give me the Huskies in a romp.

6 Purdue Boilermakers vs 11 Baylor Bears

A second bear in the same region. Again, I ask what the hell was the committee thinking with some of these seedings. That said, if there is anything that can beat a bear, it's a train. A big train going fast. Sure, hitting a bear could derail the train. But then again, it might not. If we fought this match 50 times, the bear would die 50 times.

3 Xavier Musketeers vs 14 Georgia Bulldogs

A 3 Musketeer is a mighty tasty candy bar. The fluffy stuff inside is a pretty tasty complement to the chocolatey outside. However, everyone knows that dogs can't eat chocolate. Much like the earlier match where the mighty wildcat died of heavy-metal toxicity, the dogs are felled by their inability to metabolize a chocolate bar. Dig up another spot between the hedges, because Uga's coming home in a body-bag.

7 West Virginia Mountaineers vs 10 Arizona Wildcats

I don't know much about what a Mountaineer does, but I do know that weird stuff happens in them hills. I also know that a West Virginian is much more likely to be rabid than a wildcat. I think the combination of rabies and altitude-thinned air give the Mountaineers what they need to advance to the weekend

2 Duke Blue Devils vs 15 Belmont Bruins

OK, three bears in one region. Really committee? There are four regions, and three bears. And all three bears are in the SAME region? Nuts to you. A blue Devil and a bear. Obviously this fight is happening because being all blue and sad, Duke is a suicidal devil. So while technically a fight, Duke is just there to end it all. A bruin is more than happy to accommodate such a request.

WEST SECOND ROUND
UCLA Bruins vs BYU Cougars

Remember last round when we had a bear lose to a train? I don't think a bear would lose to a Mercury product. Even the 6-cylinder version. Yeah, the bear would be injured after a head on collision with a car, but whoever was driving the car would be calling David Palmer asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness and a check to replace the totaled Cougar.

Connecticut Huskies vs Drake Bulldogs

Well, you know what they say. It's a dog-eat-dog tournament. My money is on the dog from Siberia instead of the one from England. It's used to the elements and whatnot.

Purdue Boilermakers vs Xavier Musketeers

Well, other than a train, a boilermaker is a drink. While a Musketeer is French, I still think he can hold his alcohol. That's all the French do. Drink, smoke and complain about how much America is better than they are.

West Virginia Mountaineers vs Belmont Bruins

You know what would have been cool? You remember the American Eagles back in the first round? I'd have liked to have a mascot matchup with them against West Virginia. I could have made tons of John Denver Jokes, but instead I have another man challenges beast. I thought about gerrymandering something here to have the Mountaineers get the win so I garner more points. But then I'd just have to do the same thing when they faced UCLA.

WEST REGION SWEET SIXTEEN
UCLA Bruins vs UConn Huskies

This is becoming much less fun. I can't even think of a way for a Husky to even be competitive with a Bruin.

Xavier Musketeers vs Belmont Bruins

A Musketeer has a musket. I think a Bruin could be felled by a musket

WEST REGION FINAL
UCLA Bruins vs Xavier Musketeers

That is, as long as he has time to reload. A musket doesn't come with a clip. It comes with one shot. This is like a handicap elimination match. So while the musketeer was reloading, the bear would pounce. That is if the musketeer didn't just go all French and run away. But bears are surprisingly fast and agile for their size.

The Mascot Matchup - South Region

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Here's the third edition, the South.

SOUTH FIRST ROUND
1 Memphis Tigers vs 12 UTA Mavericks
A maverick is a non conformist. Probably a bad idea. Conforming to what most people do would keep the Mavericks from being in a situation to fight a tiger. That's right kids, conform. It keeps you from being eaten by a Tiger.

8 Mississippi State Bulldogs vs 9 Oregon Ducks

Oregon's mascot is pretty close to Donald Duck. Like, lawsuit close. Speaking of Donald Duck, why didn't he wear pants, yet when he got out of the shower he'd have a towel around his waist? Wait, back to the fight. I guess Donald Duck against Hector the Bulldog. Hector was the dog that would always take out Sylvester to protect Tweety. Oregon, prepare to be a turducken.

5 Michigan State Spartans vs 12 Temple Owls

Remember that movie with Brad Pitt and the guy from Blackhawk Down? I think Brad Pitt was a Spartan in there. I'll take him over the animal that couldn't even resist a stupid tootsie pop. Also, as someone who racked up a couple grand in dentist bills as an adult, it does not take three licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop. No, that's how many it takes to bite the sucker, crack a tooth and need a crown. Stupid owl, I hope the sword through your chest hurts.

4 Pitt Panthers vs 13 Oral Roberts Golden Eagles

You ever watch the show House? They always think it's cushings. Always. Run the test, it's cushings. It's not cushings. Then at the end it turns out to be something else. Well, after the panthers ate the golden eagles, they'd go to the vet. The vet would then say the panther has cushings. Then, after that wasn't it, they'd determine that eating a giant metal eagle leads to heavy metal toxicity. Then the panther would die.

6 Marquette Golden Eagles vs 11 Kentucky Wildcats

You ever watch the show House? Blah, Blah, Blah, heavy metal toxicity, dead wildcat.

3 Stanford Cardinal vs 14 Cornell Big Red

OK, so let me get this straight. Two teams who's mascot is A COLOR are fighting in round one? The committee says they don't consider mascots, but I call shenanigans. How the hell does red fight red? The gum versus a tree? A gum Tree? Why's Cornell represented by a bear? A brown bear? Why no fire ants? Or Doublemint Twins? Still better than a tree. Trees aren't red. However, in a bear versus tree fight, the only reason I can even think there would be a fight is if there was a hunter in a tree stand. In that case, give me the hunter.

7 Miami Hurricanes vs 10 St. Mary's Gaels

Pretty sure that St. Mary's spells their mascot wrong, but that's neither here nor there. But who would have thought we'd ever have a matchup of two windy weather systems? That's why we do this people. That's why we do this. Anyway, hurricane-force winds are stronger than gale-force winds. That's why we don't have gale warnings.

2 Texas Longhorns vs 15 Austin Peay Governors

Really? The Governors? Hmm, Elliot Spitzer or a thousand pound piece of livestock. Depending on his tastes, he might pay 5000 dollars for that. Peay becomes a cow pie, ironic huh?

SECOND ROUND
Memphis Tigers vs Mississippi Bulldogs

How come there are no Giant Dogs? I mean, there's wolves, but you don't go to the jungle and worry about getting eaten by a Great Great Dane. And how did regular cats become such sissies while being related to a Tiger? I think it'd be awesome if there were giant dogs, like instead of miniature schnauzer, there was a super-giant schnauzer with teeth the size of hotdogs. But since this is the bulldogs, not the bull-sized dogs, the tigers win.

Michigan State Spartans vs Orel Roberts Golden Eagles

OK, who knew there was actually an animal called the golden eagle? Certainly not me. Apparently, they are quite vicious birds. Dedicated hunters and what not. But if that golfer guy could take out a bird with a golf ball, I don't think the savages from 300 would have much trouble.

Stanford Cardinal vs Marquette Golden Eagles

I think that birds are color blind, but I didn't pay attention in school. So bird versus color is a tough one for us to pull off. But since a bird would make it's nest in a tree, I think that's like making the tree your bitch. Even if it doesn't, I think that eventually the bird would poop in the tree, and that's definitely a loss for the tree.

Texas Longhorns vs Miami Hurricanes

Most visuals you have of hurricanes on TV are Jim Cantore standing by a stop sign near the beach watching it twist in the wind. So I don't know that I've ever seen the actual cow versus hurricane fight. However, I did see a cow fight a tornado on that movie twister. The cow definitely lost that one, I'm going to assume the hurricane can win that fight.

SOUTH SWEET SIXTEEN
Memphis Tigers vs Michigan State Spartans

If a lion is king of the jungle, does that make a tiger the king of the grasslands? This is actually quite intriguing for a fight. The only historical reference I have here is that movie 300 where he killed a tiger with a stick. I guess the Spartans advance with their use of a stick. A pointy one.

Marquette Golden Eagles vs Miami Hurricanes

Birds have an uncanny ability to avoid the weather. After a hurricane you'd really expect to see the ground littered with birds who died in the storm. But some how there aren't. I guess they fly north, or something. So I'm not sure HOW it happens, but somehow the birds would come away with a victory. Somehow.

SOUTH REGIONAL FINAL
Michigan State Spartans vs Marquette Golden Eagles
The Spartans again are forced to face a golden eagle. I see no reason the outcome would be different here.

The Mascot Matchup - East Region

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Here's the second region, the East.

EAST REGIONAL FIRST ROUND
1 UNC vs 16 Play-In

Tarheel isn't a very good mascot, but since they don't have an opponent yet, they'll advance. (Ed. I did this Sunday, because I couldn't wait for the play-in to be played)

8 Indiana Hoosiers vs 9 Arizona Razorbacks

Even people from Indiana aren't sure what a Hoosier is. I know what a Hoosier racing tire is. The razor backs are pigs with razors on their backs. I'm no expert in tire slashing, but I think a razor would do at least an adequate job at flattening the Hoosiers, and therefore advance. I know it's far fetched, but then again we're talking about a tire fighting a pig, so we're not exactly dealing with a lot of reality here.

5 Notre Dame Fightin' Irish vs 12 George Mason Patriots

Back 100 years ago, this match probably ends up different, but no longer can a patriot hang up a sign that says they don't hire Irish people. In fact, it's quite the opposite now, as anyone who loves this country loves Irish people for everything they do. Much like Finkle was Einhorn, Irish people are Patriots. So I'm sure it'd be all like the departed and have someone working on the inside. Irish set up the patriots for a bloodbath.

4 Wazzou Cougars vs 13 Winthrop Eagles

I can see no way for an eagle to beat a cougar. Not even wasting my time.

6 Oklahoma Sooners vs 11 St. Josephs Hawks

Sooners suck, but if you've ever had the unfortunate circumstance of having to travel through Oklahoma to get to somewhere good, you'll definitely remember one thing.... those sooners are sure good at shooting birds. Sooners win.

3 Louisville Cardinals vs 14 Boise St. Broncos

Horse vs Bird? This one really isn't a contest. So far, birds haven't been too successful at this. It makes me question the student bodies that selected them as representatives lo those many years ago.

7 Butler Bulldogs vs 10 South Alabama Jaguars

A bulldog isn't a bad animal in most fights, however, another of the BIG CATS is going to win here. I guess there's a reason so many variations are mascots.

2 Tennessee Volunteers vs 15 American Eagles

I've flown American Eagle before. They have stale pretzels. Also, why is it that they give you 8 ounces of drink from 12 ounce cans. Can't I just have the whole can? Anyway, in real life, no one would volunteer to fly on American Eagle, because they use those small puddle jumpers. But in a matchup, a Volunteer doesn't want money, American Eagle needs the government to bail them out. Self sufficiency wins.

EAST SECOND ROUND
UNC Tarheels vs Arkansas Razorbacks

A Tarheel is a term for a native of North Carolina. I got some kinfolks up there out in the country, and they have a farm. It's nothing for them to kill a pig for dinner. Somehow, I don't think this matchup would be much different. They're bacon in the second round.

Notre Dame Fightin Irish vs Washington State Cougars

As an Irishman myself, I'll tell you, in a fight, I think a cougar would eat me rather quickly.

Oklahoma Sooners vs Boise St. Broncos

This is another match where smarts outsmart stupid. Well, basic human intelligence outsmarts a dumb horse. Here's several ways that this could play out. First, in Oklahoma, all the students eat paste. Horses become paste. So, Oklahoma would win there. Another potential scenario comes from Seinfeld. Remember when Kramer gave Rusty all that beef-reeno? Well, all they eat in Oklahoma is Chef Boy R D... Well, Chef Boy R Dee and Paste. Therefore, the bronco would be all jacked up on fake hamburger meat – that was probably horse to begin with. Oklahoma wins.

Tennessee Volunteers vs South Alabama Jaguars

The name Vols actually comes from the Volunteer army. A Volunteer army with guns. And a desire to wear fur coats and hats. I'm not really down with the whole men in fur thing, but as quick as a jaguar is, it's not faster than bullets.

EAST SWEET 16
UNC Tarheels vs Washington St. Cougars

Well, so far, we've used the actual cat, and the car. That leaves only one other type of Cougar for our mascot matchup. That's right, a rather attractive old chick. While, I don't condone physical harm to women, they're now in a fight. Presumably, UNC would send a female native of the state to the fight. But being a college, she's probably going to be younger. That gives her the drop on the old chick. We all slow down as we get older. North Carolina advances.

Oklahoma Sooners vs Tennessee Volunteers

Hey, it's the rare person versus person mascot matchup. Davy Crockett vs some dude in a covered wagon. Davy Crockett is the King of the Wild frontier, place where the wind goes something down the plains. Tennessee advances

EAST REGIONAL FINAL
UNC Tarheels vs Tennessee Volunteers

It's back to the old standby for this person versus person regional finals. I also try to come up with different reasoning for all these matches. Tennessee has lucked out this far, so they still have their guns locked and loaded. Tarheels have turpentine. If we were repainting a house, I'd give the Tarheels the edge, but since its a fight, give me the inventors of the tree stand.

The Mascot Matchup - Midwest Region

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Here's the first region, the Midwest.

FIRST ROUND
1 Kansas Jayhawks vs 16 Portland State Vikings

On the surface, a Viking is indeed a more menacing mascot than a Jayhawk. But what is a Jayhawk? According to Kansas, it is a combination of “two birds-the blue jay, a noisy, quarrelsome thing known to rob nests, and the sparrow hawk, a stealthy hunter. Therefore, a Jayhawk is ACTUALLY a mythological creation. Vikings believed in mythology, and lived in fear of myths like Thor. Therefore, it's obvious that Vikings are stupid, and would bow to a mythological creature.

8 UNLV Running Rebels vs 9 Kent St. Golden Flashes

This is a simple one to diagnose. The Rebels are obviously consumed by a quest for gold, which is why they ran out west. Now there's the Mandalay Bay, Venetian, and Montecito on the strip in Vegas. So history says that Rebels and their little pans were actually targeting flashes of gold and since they got unbelievably rich, they therefore win.

5 Clemson Tigers vs 12 Villanova Wildcats

The bane of this Mascot Matchup are the so called giant cats. Seems like about one out of every three of these games has some kind of ferocious cat-like creature. Now with two of them facing off, how would one propose a winner be determined in a fight? I guess we go with home-field advantage. Big city cat goes into the country? Sure, this classic fish out of water tale would normally end with the Wildcat bringing a cool urban flair to normal country values if it were a movie. You know, the Wildcat would earn teammates respect, and show them what a cheese steak is while getting them all to buy Rustlers that are too big. But this ain't Hollywood. This is real life. Life or death mascot fights. In real life, the wild cat would get into the country and see a snake for the first time ever, get bit on the snout and die 2 minutes into the movie. Tigers advance.

4 Vanderbilt Commodores and 13 Siena Saints

A saint is a particularly good, holy person. Mother Teresa was said to be a saint. And for all the good she did taking care of kids and stuff, I don't suspect she'd be too hard to beat to a pulp. Therefore, Commodores win.

6 USC Trojans vs 11 Kansas St.

Yippee another Wildcat. I don't recall what part of greek and roman history a trojan was. I think Brad Pitt was one in that movie against the dude from Black Hawk Down. I do remember though a fight between some old greek/roman dude and a cat. In Gladiator, River Phoenix's brother was trying to kill Maximus, and he had a tiger in the pit to sneak attack him when he wrestled Lord Humongous. But he put a sword through that tiger's chest and won. Give me Maximus

3 Wisconsin Badgers vs. 14 Cal St. Fullerton Titans

OK, a Titan is a moon and a pickup truck. I don't know how you'd stage a fight with a MOON. A badger a furry woodland creature. As the higher seed, it would be fought in badger territory. That means water, I think. Badgers, Beavers, woodchucks it's all the same. Though I may have made this error before. Every time there's flooding anywhere, we're reminded not to drive through puddles. I think that would apply to this matchup. Sure, the truck COULD run over the badger on the interstate, but in a river, it would get silt in the air intake, and die. So really, all the badger has to do is stay behind it's dam and advance.

7 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs 10 Davidson Wildcats

Really, three wildcats in one region? Was the selection committee high? To me, this is a bigger issue than having two conference schools in one half of a bracket, or Tennessee being in UNC's region. This is THREE Wildcats together? I have to eliminate them before trying to fight Wildcat vs Wildcat in the next round. In the cartoons dogs chase cats, and Gonzaga just chased Davidson out of the mascot matchup.

2 Georgetown Hoyas vs the 15 UMBC Retrievers

While, a Hoya isn't even a real dog, it's hard to dress a kid up as a word. Or fight a word. So we'll go with the mascot more so than the nickname. So, now, NCAA Selection committee , we've had three dogs in a row, in addition to our over abundance of big cats. Now I remember why I didn't want to do this again. Anyway, the first Hoya mascot was a dog named Stubby. Stubby went to France in World War I and was a pretty good dog as he came back a Sergeant. So while retrievers are generally my favorite dogs, I've never met one that was an officer. Georgetown wins.

MIDWEST SECOND ROUND
Kansas Jayhawks vs UNLV Runnin' Rebels

A Jayhawk isn't actually a bird, the bird is a mere pictorial depiction of what a native Kansan looks like. The term came to describe Kansans at a time in their history when the area was known as Bleeding Kansas because there was all kinds of fighting going on in the area with Missouri over the border or something. Either way, they're blood-thirsty, UNLV is simply money hungry. Motivation leads Kansas to a second round victory.

Clemson Tigers vs Vanderbilt Commodores

While the Commodore 64 was a fine computer in its' day, the Commodore 32 never really did much of anything. I think a tiger could eat a computer, especially one that doesn't even have the internet.

Wisconsin Badgers vs USC Trojans

OK, apparently a badger isn't a water animal, but one from the grasslands. Oops, my bad. That's fine, Trojans aren't exactly afraid of water or grass. An epic slaughter.

Georgetown Hoyas vs Gonzaga Bulldogs

OK, so a bulldog versus a bulldog. Not exactly sure where to go here. Where's Michael Vick when I need him? Oh, jail, yeah. But his kennel was in Virginia, and seemed to be pretty good, so when it comes to fighting dogs, I guess the east coast has a leg up on the west coast. Especially since they said dog fighting was a country thing, and I don't know of that much country out west. Georgetown wins, but their prize is a trip to the Bad Newz Kennel. Oops

MIDWEST SWEET SIXTEEN
Kansas Jayhawks vs Clemson Tigers

So far, Kansas has advanced based on it's mythological properties, then due to it's more literal definition. However, I don't care if it's a mythological resident of Kansas combining all the powers of both, it's going to run into trouble when it comes to a fight with a Tiger.

USC Trojans vs Georgetown Hoyas

While represented by a bulldog, a Hoya is actually some kind of old Greek exclamation meaning “what?” that the students used to yell at baseball games. I guess you could say they were the early WWE fans to the Hoya baseball team being early “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Trojans were from Greece... or somewhere over there anyway. So we know that Trojans actually yelled “hoya!?” back in the old school days. While that's some cool info, I don't know what that says about a fight, but in the old-school days their armor didn't include cups. I wore one to play baseball, they didn't wear one to war. That's how they lost. I guess “hoya!?” actually outlasted the Trojans in real life, so what the hell, they win.

MIDWEST REGION FINAL
Clemson Tigers vs Georgetown Hoyas

I should have had the Commodores shoot the Tigers when I had the chance. But I guess in mascot fights, this region was really laid out for them. Even sissy Tony the Tiger probably could beat up a dog, and “They'reeeee GREAT!!!!” is a better exclamation than “HOYA!?”