The Mascot Matchup - East Region

Yes indeed, the Mascot Matchups are back. Hours of work are in. 5 posts this year. One for each region, one for the Final 4. Here's the second region, the East.

EAST REGIONAL FIRST ROUND
1 UNC vs 16 Play-In

Tarheel isn't a very good mascot, but since they don't have an opponent yet, they'll advance. (Ed. I did this Sunday, because I couldn't wait for the play-in to be played)

8 Indiana Hoosiers vs 9 Arizona Razorbacks

Even people from Indiana aren't sure what a Hoosier is. I know what a Hoosier racing tire is. The razor backs are pigs with razors on their backs. I'm no expert in tire slashing, but I think a razor would do at least an adequate job at flattening the Hoosiers, and therefore advance. I know it's far fetched, but then again we're talking about a tire fighting a pig, so we're not exactly dealing with a lot of reality here.

5 Notre Dame Fightin' Irish vs 12 George Mason Patriots

Back 100 years ago, this match probably ends up different, but no longer can a patriot hang up a sign that says they don't hire Irish people. In fact, it's quite the opposite now, as anyone who loves this country loves Irish people for everything they do. Much like Finkle was Einhorn, Irish people are Patriots. So I'm sure it'd be all like the departed and have someone working on the inside. Irish set up the patriots for a bloodbath.

4 Wazzou Cougars vs 13 Winthrop Eagles

I can see no way for an eagle to beat a cougar. Not even wasting my time.

6 Oklahoma Sooners vs 11 St. Josephs Hawks

Sooners suck, but if you've ever had the unfortunate circumstance of having to travel through Oklahoma to get to somewhere good, you'll definitely remember one thing.... those sooners are sure good at shooting birds. Sooners win.

3 Louisville Cardinals vs 14 Boise St. Broncos

Horse vs Bird? This one really isn't a contest. So far, birds haven't been too successful at this. It makes me question the student bodies that selected them as representatives lo those many years ago.

7 Butler Bulldogs vs 10 South Alabama Jaguars

A bulldog isn't a bad animal in most fights, however, another of the BIG CATS is going to win here. I guess there's a reason so many variations are mascots.

2 Tennessee Volunteers vs 15 American Eagles

I've flown American Eagle before. They have stale pretzels. Also, why is it that they give you 8 ounces of drink from 12 ounce cans. Can't I just have the whole can? Anyway, in real life, no one would volunteer to fly on American Eagle, because they use those small puddle jumpers. But in a matchup, a Volunteer doesn't want money, American Eagle needs the government to bail them out. Self sufficiency wins.

EAST SECOND ROUND
UNC Tarheels vs Arkansas Razorbacks

A Tarheel is a term for a native of North Carolina. I got some kinfolks up there out in the country, and they have a farm. It's nothing for them to kill a pig for dinner. Somehow, I don't think this matchup would be much different. They're bacon in the second round.

Notre Dame Fightin Irish vs Washington State Cougars

As an Irishman myself, I'll tell you, in a fight, I think a cougar would eat me rather quickly.

Oklahoma Sooners vs Boise St. Broncos

This is another match where smarts outsmart stupid. Well, basic human intelligence outsmarts a dumb horse. Here's several ways that this could play out. First, in Oklahoma, all the students eat paste. Horses become paste. So, Oklahoma would win there. Another potential scenario comes from Seinfeld. Remember when Kramer gave Rusty all that beef-reeno? Well, all they eat in Oklahoma is Chef Boy R D... Well, Chef Boy R Dee and Paste. Therefore, the bronco would be all jacked up on fake hamburger meat – that was probably horse to begin with. Oklahoma wins.

Tennessee Volunteers vs South Alabama Jaguars

The name Vols actually comes from the Volunteer army. A Volunteer army with guns. And a desire to wear fur coats and hats. I'm not really down with the whole men in fur thing, but as quick as a jaguar is, it's not faster than bullets.

EAST SWEET 16
UNC Tarheels vs Washington St. Cougars

Well, so far, we've used the actual cat, and the car. That leaves only one other type of Cougar for our mascot matchup. That's right, a rather attractive old chick. While, I don't condone physical harm to women, they're now in a fight. Presumably, UNC would send a female native of the state to the fight. But being a college, she's probably going to be younger. That gives her the drop on the old chick. We all slow down as we get older. North Carolina advances.

Oklahoma Sooners vs Tennessee Volunteers

Hey, it's the rare person versus person mascot matchup. Davy Crockett vs some dude in a covered wagon. Davy Crockett is the King of the Wild frontier, place where the wind goes something down the plains. Tennessee advances

EAST REGIONAL FINAL
UNC Tarheels vs Tennessee Volunteers

It's back to the old standby for this person versus person regional finals. I also try to come up with different reasoning for all these matches. Tennessee has lucked out this far, so they still have their guns locked and loaded. Tarheels have turpentine. If we were repainting a house, I'd give the Tarheels the edge, but since its a fight, give me the inventors of the tree stand.