Mascot Matchup Final Four

This is the final set of matches to profile in my mascot bracket.

What started out as a joke on the radio show has turned into something that’s consumed wayyyyyyy too much time.

I should have started on Sunday night, as it were, it took me about 25 hours to complete. It’s been my sole use of leisure time this week.

Without further ado, lets get the finals up.

1 Florida Gators vs. 2 UCLA Bruins
It shouldn’t be a shock that one national semi-final we have a match up of two animals of high ferocity.

I’ve gotten some flak from people who claimed that I was gerrymandering the brackets to get them the way I want. Let me ask those people - who would win a fight between a panther and a bear? Do you have any more empirical evidence than I did?

Now we have to fight an alligator and a bear.

These are truly animals that scare the crap out of me. There’s no reason for me to be near either one of them. None.

Gators are just more unpredictable. You can’t train them because of their pea-sized brains.
Bears walk through their own tracks and on rocks to avoid being hunted. Gators just eat.

We could look at several factors:
Crunch Taters + gator tail > bear-claws
Alligator boots > Bear-skin rug
Alligator that ate Chubb’s hand > the Bear in the movie “Bear”
Rax’s Uncle Alligator > Shoney’s Bear

But the ultimate deciding factor takes us to the history of the mascot.
See, UCLA was originally the Cubs. But the students decided that was too sissified. So they became the Grizzly’s.

Then UCLA joined the Pac-10 and wanted to use it, but Montana said no. Making them the first to lose to Montana in anything.

So then the hippies at Berkley - who used both Bears and Bruins as mascots gave up the Bruins. So not only were they owned by Montana, they got help from Berkley.

The Gator name was taken when a dude wanted to sell some stuff in his store.

And we all know that capitalism > socialism. Otherwise we’d be in Canada.

Gators win.

#4 Texas Longhorns vs. #3 Texas A&M Aggies
This one is simple.

Cows are here to be hamburgers, steaks and bolo-ties.

And farmer makes them that way.

We used the colloquialism “owned” in the last match, but in this one, it’s a literal one.

Aggies ride around on cows in Rodeos. They chop their balls off when they’ve become pointless.

Don’t forget branding either.

Aggies in a romp.

And in the National Final:

1 Florida Gators vs. 3 Texas A&M Aggies
It’s been a long hard road to get here.

Since we started this with the intention of having the match ups decided strictly on “who would win in a fight” and kind of strayed somewhat to make the arguments compelling and hopefully entertaining.

But for the final we’re going back to the roots.

I know that some people will point to the gator farms in south Florida with their wrestling. Some will point to Skinner from the WWF.

Keep in mind though, Aggies like to go Gigging. You don’t gig a gator. A gator gigs you.

Why are gators so ornery? Because, they got all those teeth and no tooth brush.

One-on-one in a fight, my money is on the gator every time.

Your National Champions - based on mascots - The Florida Gators.